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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this mother is horrible for not inviting my daughter

482 replies

WomanInTheMirrorStaresAtMe · 20/02/2018 12:20

Birthday party one...
Girl next door having a birthday party, she is in the same class, year 1, as my daughter. There are 11 girls in the class.

Around Xmas the girl next door started being a bit mean to DD. It came to a head when she pushed DD over at school and she hit her head on the playground. We were called because they suspected concussion and the teacher said she had also informed girls parents. Teacher said DD did nothing wrong, didn't even retaliate and that as far as they were aware after speaking to girls and their peers it has all been one way nastiness. Girls made up, as they do, and are fine now but her mother has ignored me since, deleted me from Facebook and glares at me on school run and when we pass outside. Silly but whatever...

So back to the birthday party. Every single girl in the class is invited except DD. Invites were given out on morning school run. The girls were all together waiting to go in. Next door girl handed them to everyone but DD, telling her that she wasn't invited cos her mum says she not allowed. DD looked upset but I took her aside and said we would have a day out, she wasn't impressed... NDN mother just stared at us.

I have found out when the party is and will take DD out so she hasn't got to see all her friends arriving and hear the party, but seriously, this mum is an absolute bitch isn't she? And I have to live next door to her!!! DD seems a bit confused more than anything but is upset as thinks our neighbours must not like her.

I know moaning about kids not being invited to parties is normally seen as unreasonable but I am not in this instance am I??

OP posts:
TeasndToast · 24/02/2018 07:06

The woman is a loon! She is rapidly digging her own grave. Mums like this always get karma when their kids turn into teens and cause them absolute hell and go on to have problems throughout their adult lives because of their upbringing.

squiglet111 · 24/02/2018 07:10

See it was your ndn that caused all this and probably caused the spitting incident too. I bet she told her daughter that no one wanted to come to her party because of your daughter. When in fact it was your ndn that started the whole thing by making a big thing of not inviting your daughter in front of the whole class and parents! Bet she thought people would agree with her or she didn't think about how her actions would come across.

If she does try and talk to you again maybe it would be good to point out that she is the one that caused it, not you or your daughter. And it's not your fault that other parents thoughts what SHE did was nasty and want nothing to do with her and probably now her daughter too! Which she also caused by probably winding up her daughter blaming your daughter for the consequence of her own actions!

Arapaima · 24/02/2018 07:15

OP, I totally get why you’re furious and upset. But to be fair to the NDN, she was trying to build bridges when she came over, and OP threw it back in her face.

Perendinate · 24/02/2018 07:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Willow2017 · 24/02/2018 08:11

She wasnt trying to build bridges.
She once again accused ops dd of lying ( first time about the concussion) and only wanted her dd to come to party cos the whole thing had backfired on her and other parents were not bringing thier kids to her party due to her and her dds behaviour.
She accused op of turning people against her (again) when op had already told her it was nothing to do with her.

She has made her bed now she can lie in it.

MissEliza · 24/02/2018 08:12

I completely agree with you Perendinate. It's possible to build bridges with some people but not everyone. I think this woman falls into the latter.
Incidentally I got to know one of my closest friends because her ds had pushed over my ds in the first week of foundation (no concussion!). She was a bit upset as she didn't really like getting called into school so early on, but it broke the ice between us so we got chatting and the boys became firm friends. However there doesn't seem to be much hope with this woman.

WhatWouldOliviaPopeDo · 24/02/2018 08:12

I imagine the head teacher would be furious to know she confronted you on the doorstep after their meeting. It totally undermines the school's excellent handling of the bullying. It sounds like you handled it really well, OP. Hopefully the mum will let it go now, but I doubt it. She clearly doesn't think her daughter is to blame at all.

differentnameforthis · 24/02/2018 08:15

I am of the thinking that you aren't automatically "entitled" to attend parties, regardless of age. I say that as a parent of a child (with asd) who never gets invites, too.

Regardless, why the hell would you want her to go to the party of a child who was so horrible to her anyway!?

Lizzie48 · 24/02/2018 08:24

I don't think it's fair to criticise the OP for not responding graciously when the NDN came over to her house. What the woman did there was minimise her DD's dreadful behaviour towards the OP's DD. And she basically accused her of lying about the concussion and spitting, which was horrible. And saying that she doesn't know her own strength might be true, but it's no excuse, she needs to be teaching her not to lash out.

She is clearly determined to deny that her DD is ever in the wrong and is guilty of 'victim blaming'. Why should the OP give her the time of day?

differentnameforthis · 24/02/2018 08:27

Apologies, thread has obviously moved on.

NoIdeaWhatToSay · 24/02/2018 08:28

I think at this point I'd be doing exactly the same as you OP, your neighbour sounds so ignorant that she can't see it's her behaviour which is vile. From now I'd be ignoring, I'd be working with the school to help your DD and this child rub along ok during the day without bullying. I'd contact the school directly to inform them of any further incidents.

Unfortunately if there were further incidents then I'd be inclined to move schools and then house. Of course this shouldn't be something you have to do but I'd be worried for the future, when the girls get to secondary school and things continue then your DD won't have the protection she has now. And the fact that she lives next door doesn't give her much distance to just be able to get on with things.

She's shown herself up, hopefully she'll back off now.

emmyrose2000 · 24/02/2018 09:19

The NDN wasn't trying to apologise or build bridges. She gave a classic non-apology, which is totally meaningless. "I'm (not) sorry BUT...".

She clearly has no insight into to what she's done wrong and the only thing she's sorry about is the fact that she got caught/everything backfired.

Do you know if anyone is actually going to the party, or how many have dropped out? Are all the other guests' parents aware of what has happened?

Original poster
WomanInTheMirrorStaresAtMe · 24/02/2018 10:13

I have no idea about the party and I don't really want to know. Apart from mum friend and the school I have not discussed it with anyone.

I did tell mum friend about what happened yesterday, because she messaged me about ndn Facebook and wanted to know if it was about me. It basically said something about trying to be neighbourly and offer an olive branch only to have the door slammed in your face. I do feel a bit bad that I didn't take the opportunity to calm the situation further but I was caught off guard.

OP posts:
Fekko · 24/02/2018 10:23

I think it would have just minimised and excused the behaviour of the two of them in her head. And would show them borne that you can act apaulingly then weasle our orbit with a few insincere platitudes.

It’s like an apology that starts ‘I’m sorry you feel upset/angry/scared...’. No apology at all!

Lizzie48 · 24/02/2018 10:26

I understand why you feel bad, @WomanInTheMirrorStaresAtMe but don't beat yourself up about it. Your NDN accused your DD of lying, so you were hardly going to respond well to that!

She's also clearly a drama lama, venting on Facebook like that! I just wouldn't ever want to air my dirty laundry on Facebook. You really are best off staying out of it. Thanks

Willow2017 · 24/02/2018 10:34

Woman
It wasnt an apology. She was out to make herself the good guy in front of all her Facebook palls. Nothing more. She doesnt care about you are your dd.
You did fine. Sometimes we need to stand up to these awful people and draw a line in the sand and No more bullshit will be tolerated.
Yout dd should be proud of her mum and when she is old enough to understand she will be.

louise5754 · 24/02/2018 10:54

I feel for you op. It's one thing thinking about bumping into the mum at school but you even have to think about it when home.

It's ok telling your kids to be nice and play with everyone but you can't help it if someone takes a dislike to your child for no reason then things like this are out of your control.

Even when you move home how will you change the situation in school? Does she play with kids from the other classes? Could she be moved? It would at least solve the future birthday party situation. Luckily they tend to die don't don't they x

BewareOfDragons · 24/02/2018 11:13

I did tell mum friend about what happened yesterday, because she messaged me about ndn Facebook and wanted to know if it was about me. It basically said something about trying to be neighbourly and offer an olive branch only to have the door slammed in your face.

Except she wasn't being neighbourly and offering an olive branch. First she tried to excuse her own DD's behaviour, then she pretty much accused your DD of lying about the spitting (after accusing you and her of lying about the concussion), then when called on the lie, refused to acknowledge the truth of it and started in on you about alienating her from the other parents and children ... which you hadn't done. She did that . All by herself.

That's not an olive branch. That's a wrecking ball.

Cauliflowersqueeze · 24/02/2018 11:25

willow2017 is spot on.
It was an exercise designed solely to show her FB friends that she has the moral high ground. That was NOT an apology. She’s pathetic.

It could only have a good outcome for her. Either her fake apology would mean that it was “sorted” in her eyes and the girls were going to each other’s parties or it would cause more angst and she would come out looking like the good guy. Yet again it was all on her terms. If she had properly apologised then it would probably have been sorted but she’s far too proud for that.

Iluvthe80s · 24/02/2018 12:15

OP it wasn't really an olive branch. She was still accusing in her approach and not tak8ng responsibility for the incident of pushing and spitting never mind the previous concussion.. I'm not surprised you reacted the way you did.

Tistheseason17 · 24/02/2018 12:22

Don't feel guilty.
Your NDN is trying to create a sanitised version of events for viewers of her FB page. Sad.

Helpimfalling · 24/02/2018 12:27

As a mother if your inviting everyone and have the budget you don't leave one out

Or you invite just a few and leave a few out

Helpimfalling · 24/02/2018 12:31

Omg just read what she wrote on fb

She's a fucking mean girl

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 24/02/2018 12:42

If it was my DD and she accused her of lying, I'd have told her to piss off too.

An olive branch would be something like, "I'm sorry for this situation getting out of hand. I will speak to DD about her behaviour and I hope you DD is ok. I would like to put all this behind us."

That is how apologise for shitty behaviour. Not accusing a child of lying again to her own mother.

Aeroflotgirl · 24/02/2018 13:01

No she was not offering an olive branch, she was of the "my little Princess never does anything wrong" camp and your dd is over exaggerating. A sincere apology, would be, " I am so sorry dd was mean to your dd, I am very sorry for my behaviour, if your dd wants, she can come to dd party, but understand if she does not. Or just write a nice simple letter of that effect.