To not agree with 'happy mum, happy baby'

[user1471506568]

Hard to articulate this without coming across as being intentionally offensive/goady but have been thinking about this issue a lot lately and would love to hear other people's thoughts.

Basically I keep seeing the phrase 'happy mother, happy baby' banded around in debates about loads of topics and it seems to almost be used as a means to justify whatever decision a parent makes as being best for the family. However the big assumption underlying this whole theory is that keeping mum happy is always the most important thing that contributes to a baby's happiness, but this can't always be the case and to what extent does this mantra let plain old selfishness creep in? Scientific research often tells us that some things are more beneficial for our children than other things and as our children are completely dependent and can't decide for themselves, should we not be taking more notice of this research rather than simply doing what suits us as adults best and what makes us happy?

I guess it's on my mind at the moment as I feel like I have to a certain extent sacrificed a lot of my happiness in order to make what I think is the best decision for my kids. Many of these decisions have come at a huge personal cost to me and I struggle everyday but I honestly do it because I think my choices are best for my kids.

So for me actually that phrase irritates me as it implies that it is easy to somehow achieve the dream where everyone in a family is equally happy and a baby or child's needs and wants can be met without anybody else's (usually the mother's) needs and wants being sacrificed. I think that this is damaging and gives parents an unrealistic idea of what parenting is like and also will be hijacked by some so that they can maintain their own happiness at the cost of their children's.

I keep thinking about this because I still feel very strongly that it's a good saying, even if, inevitably, it's too succinct to capture all of the nuances required to prevent misuse.
When I said it should be "unhappy mum, unhappy baby", I certainly don't think that should be taken entirely literally either - I'm sure it's possible to raise a happy child whilst being unhappy yourself in some ways.
However, to me this expression is about something like the 80:20 rule (I work in software where allegedly it takes 20% of the effort to get 80% of the functionally, and 80% to get the remaining 20% / make it perfect). As a parent, there is a lot of pressure to go the extra mile - and to me the expression is about the fact that you can work yourself into the ground for relatively marginal impact on your child's wellbeing, which can be counterproductive if going the extra mile is completely stressing you out or making you miserable - as those things impact your children too. You have to find the right balance for your family.
Some people commented that they found the expression annoying because people used it to try to persuade them to do things differently when it came to looking after their kids. Whilst I know how annoying it is when someone (however well-meaning) tells you to 'let them cry while you finish your dinner' or whatever when that's not what you want to do, I don't think the expression can take any of the blame for this: my well-meaning family sometimes made suggestions to this effect without ever using this exact phrase and I'm just as annoying without it.
That was not what the phrase was intended for IMO: the definition of 'happy' to me (wrt mum) is 'feeling at peace with your choices with respect to your children, whilst not neglecting your own well - being'. It's not as catchy though....

*it was just as annoying without it

Haven’t rtft BUT I’d say it’s a load if shite. I’m happy, rately get stressed and very patient whereas my son can be the spawn of Satan at times!!

Ive never heard the saying before but totally agree with you OP it sounds like bollocks! I'm sure its used to easily justify all kinds of selfish behaviour! It's a bit laughable!