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Original poster

To not know whether DH is leaving us?

238 replies

Mittensandmuffins · 19/02/2018 12:03

A couple of weeks ago everything changed. DH announced out of the blue one Sunday afternoon that he didn't want to upset me but that he didn't think that we'd be together if we didn't have the children. At the time I was upset by it but didn't take it too much to heart as i thought he might just be having a 'dramatic moment'. However, since then it's like he's had a personality transplant - he is very short with me, speaks to me in a nasty way most of the time, looks at me like he hates me and has cut off all affection (hasn't touched me once since). Even last night when we had a massive argument about it, I felt like we had reached rock bottom and was absolutely devastated and couldn't stop crying, he said 'what's wrong now?' and 'what are you crying for now?'

I have loved this man for 15 years and we have two beautiful children. I have no idea what has come over him as he is just so miserable with his life with me.

I'm feeling very vulnerable at the moment as I have been a SAHM for 4 years, looking after the children, one of whom has special needs. If he left I would have no way of supporting myself and the children financially and would have to move 3 hours away to be closer to my family.

I just can't understand his logic - he has stated so many times how much he loves our little family. He has no friends outside of work (well one, that he sees rarely), and does not have a great relationship with his family, so would be totally alone if he left.

Last night I reached rock bottom and said that he was to make his mind up sharpish whether he was leaving. I said he was either in or he was out, but I was not going to put up with him behaving like this and I'm not jumping through hoops to get him to stay.

This morning he was normal and acting like nothing had happened...I just feel totally on edge all of the time. What should I do? Sad

OP posts:
astoundedgoat · 22/02/2018 12:38

He's just disappearing and can't snap out of it.... This is how people often seem to describe their own or their partners' experiences of depression on here (I don't have personal experience).

Trinity66 · 22/02/2018 12:43

This is how people often seem to describe their own or their partners' experiences of depression on here (I don't have personal experience).

I'm not sure a person suffering from depression would blame all that on someone else though like what her DHs seems to be doing. Don't depressed people usually blame themselves more than anything (which feeds into the vicious cycle)

Bindibot · 22/02/2018 12:46

What @FizzyGreenWater said 100%

(though I still think affair; he justifying it in his head, I told her I was unhappy and she did nothing so I'm entitled )

Have a friend who was miserable in his job; but he did the adult thing, spoke to his wife. They looked at the finances together; did some jigging. He re-trained and is happy in his new role; 'cause that's what you do when you're an adult. She's happy 'cause he's happy and they see more of each other.

Zaphodsotherhead · 22/02/2018 12:52

If you ask him 'what can we do to fix this', what does he say?

If it's a shrug or 'dunno' or a list of things you need to fix about yourself, then it's all over. And, in that case, I'd say an affair was pretty much a given.

If he can come up with things (like reducing his hours, you picking up some work - if you've only been a SAHM for four years but have two school age children I'd say you must have worked when they were smaller - more 'down time' together) then it's saveable.

Jux · 22/02/2018 12:54

The only person who can be held responsible for his happiness is himself. You cannot make him happy, really truly, it is down to him. He isn't happy, and is making you unhappy too. Soon the children will also be unhappy. Where does it end?

Tell him to go, for a few weeks. Or do what Fizzy said, and give yourself a small break. You need some space to think properly and remove this man's mysoginistic narrative from your brain.

TatianaLarina · 22/02/2018 12:57

I think the doesn’t know what triggered it - maybe it was another couple - is a bit suspect. Maybe he’s met/seen someone else.

TatianaLarina · 22/02/2018 12:59

I agree with FizzyGreen go away for a weekend.

frasier · 22/02/2018 12:59

"He said I wasn't the primary caretaker as they are at school all day."

That is an awful thing to say.

Maybe you ought to to see a solicitor, you can get a free hour, and just ask their advice about what to do now he has put you in this position. If he is thinking of trying to take the children (he maybe just using that as a stick to beat you with which is disgusting) he will start to cut down your hours with them to "prove" that you are not the primary caregiver. KEEP A DIARY of all the activities yu do with them - get ready for school, take to school, pick them up. If he is in no position to do that stuff, he won't stand a chance. Beware if he starts criticising you parenting also.

Basically, if his parenting changes - he tries to do more, be seen to be doing more, offers to pick them up from school or whatever, he may have taken advice to be as involved as possible. Be careful, keep that diary.

Trinity66 · 22/02/2018 13:00

I think the doesn’t know what triggered it - maybe it was another couple - is a bit suspect. Maybe he’s met/seen someone else.

Yeah, I think that seems likely, he's sort of telling the truth but not really.

Beanteam · 22/02/2018 13:00

I think you are being unrealistic by being so confident that 50:50 is not an option .
And those saying leave him in charge for a day or so. Well what happens there is that no cleaning or tidying is done by the DH and the kids are fed pizza- so there you go managing the DCs is easy!
If you are so in love that you can live with his lack of interest then nothing will change. But I would speak to a solicitor to see what your future could be if you split, rather than that future being an unthinkable blank.

Worldsworstcook · 22/02/2018 13:02

Ask him what he wants to change. If he's the miserable one he should know what it is he thinks needs to be put right. He can't complain about other couples looking happy if he never takes you out etc! And te the kids, I'd run someone over before I'd ever let them take my kids away. Or my dog!

Beanteam · 22/02/2018 13:04

I say you are being unrealistic about 50:50 not because that’s the law but if you want a future which includes work and/or a career then shared care is best for you.

frasier · 22/02/2018 13:09

Sorry about the typos, typing fast.

What is the family situation - MIL etc? Another tactic is to use MIL/SIL as back-up when trying to get custody.

Sorry if this sounds serious but just in case. His line about you not being the primary caregiver is ringing lots of alarm bells. Why would he say that if he wasn't thinking that he wanted to be...

Trinity66 · 22/02/2018 13:18

Why shouldn't the dad have 50/50 custody though if they separate?

StormTreader · 22/02/2018 13:20

"He said I wasn't the primary caretaker as they are at school all day."

Sorry, but that to me screams "I dont want to be paying maintenance".

frasier · 22/02/2018 13:20

I'm talking about if the dad is trying to get full custody.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 22/02/2018 13:22

He says you don't 'appreciate' him being the breadwinner....

Then he utterly minimises YOUR role saying you aren't the primary caregiver.... Wtaf??!!

GnotherGnu · 22/02/2018 13:35

He said I wasn't the primary caretaker as they are at school all day.

Utter bollocks. The school day is around 6 hours out of 24, and is for only 190 days of the year, if that. If he thinks he's the primary or equal caretaker, he should be taking them to school and collecting 50% of the time, should be at home in time to supervise their homework and put them to bed, should be on call if they're ill and can't go to school, etc etc.

It sounds a bit as if the reality is that he is having a lovely time sulking and having a midlife crisis and needs to grow up.

Trinity66 · 22/02/2018 13:50

I'm talking about if the dad is trying to get full custody

my apologies, I doubt that would happen in this persons case though considering she's actually a SAHM and so looks after them most

TatianaLarina · 22/02/2018 13:53

I say you are being unrealistic about 50:50 not because that’s the law but if you want a future which includes work and/or a career then shared care is best for you

May not be realistic with a SN child, depending on the issues.

Dipitydoda · 22/02/2018 14:03

I think this is an affair still. There’s plenty of hotel rooms is decent hotels you can rent by the hour, without the need for a credit card for meetings or to catch up on sleep apparently !!!! All he needs is a lunch hour. He wants you to leave him so you’re the bad guy

user1495390685 · 22/02/2018 14:49

I think depression and a midlife crisis. We have bouts of this occasionally, but things usually sort themselves out in the end. But I haven't experienced dealing with an unequal financial contribution setup -- don't they say money always leads to arguments? Even if indirectly. He is probably feeling resentful about this. Is it worth asking him outright?

chocolateiamydrug · 22/02/2018 15:07

I say you are being unrealistic about 50:50 not because that’s the law but if you want a future which includes work and/or a career then shared care is best for you

May not be realistic with a SN child, depending on the issues.

If OP would have the DC only half a week, returning to work (part time when the DC are with their dad) would be a lot easier than now.

Originalfoogirl · 22/02/2018 15:36

He's not leaving but expects to stay there when you know he's miserable?

Kick him out. Tell him you are not prepared to let him stay where he clearly doesn't want to be and that you deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you.

No good will come of this, he isn''t happy and that isn't going to change unless he decides what it is he wants to change about his own life which will make him happier. There is absolutely no way I would bring our girl up in a household where her daddy didn't want to be.

GabriellaMontez · 22/02/2018 16:09

So what are you going to do?

Please don't let him waste your life like this. Counselling together? Weekend without children to reconnect? Counselling for him only?

Happiness is a choice. He needs to help himself. If he won't I would ask him to go. Who cares what anyone thinks? How long will you live like this?

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