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Original poster

To not know whether DH is leaving us?

238 replies

Mittensandmuffins · 19/02/2018 12:03

A couple of weeks ago everything changed. DH announced out of the blue one Sunday afternoon that he didn't want to upset me but that he didn't think that we'd be together if we didn't have the children. At the time I was upset by it but didn't take it too much to heart as i thought he might just be having a 'dramatic moment'. However, since then it's like he's had a personality transplant - he is very short with me, speaks to me in a nasty way most of the time, looks at me like he hates me and has cut off all affection (hasn't touched me once since). Even last night when we had a massive argument about it, I felt like we had reached rock bottom and was absolutely devastated and couldn't stop crying, he said 'what's wrong now?' and 'what are you crying for now?'

I have loved this man for 15 years and we have two beautiful children. I have no idea what has come over him as he is just so miserable with his life with me.

I'm feeling very vulnerable at the moment as I have been a SAHM for 4 years, looking after the children, one of whom has special needs. If he left I would have no way of supporting myself and the children financially and would have to move 3 hours away to be closer to my family.

I just can't understand his logic - he has stated so many times how much he loves our little family. He has no friends outside of work (well one, that he sees rarely), and does not have a great relationship with his family, so would be totally alone if he left.

Last night I reached rock bottom and said that he was to make his mind up sharpish whether he was leaving. I said he was either in or he was out, but I was not going to put up with him behaving like this and I'm not jumping through hoops to get him to stay.

This morning he was normal and acting like nothing had happened...I just feel totally on edge all of the time. What should I do? Sad

OP posts:
Trinity66 · 19/02/2018 16:30

What does he do for lunch normally? could you suggest pop along and meet him for lunch? see what his reaction to this?

I doubt his reaction will prove anything though as he's already treating her like he doesn't want to be around so even if he's not having an affair he'd probably have a bad reaction to seeing her even more

Ickyockycocky · 19/02/2018 16:33

Does your life revolve around the children rather than taking an interest in DH

Have you nagged your DH

Dear oh dear!

Nameme17 · 19/02/2018 16:33

So sorry op.
Doesn't really matter if there's an affair. He treats you awful and has driven the knife in my declaring that all these yrs mean f all to him. I know mouthy me would say I'd kill him but not mouthy me in the real world would just feel dead inside. If he can treat you in such a nasty selfish way after two kids and many years together then it's now time to look out for number one (you and kids). Sod that prick, basically if it were an affair she'd be welcome to such a BASTARD in my eyes.

MadMags · 19/02/2018 16:35

Jesus Christ, teenmum.

I feel like I'm in the twilight zone on this thread...

ClosDesMouches · 19/02/2018 16:35

Oh here we go. Now it’s OP’s fault that he’s behaving like a twat.
Hmm

Nameme17 · 19/02/2018 16:39

Perhaps you need to pop into local children's centre/citizens advice bureau or other charitable organisation that can sign post you to the relevant agencies/benefits that can help your situation.

Nameme17 · 19/02/2018 16:42

Your mental health is just as important don't let him drag you down with his nastiness. Don't let fear of the unknown get in your way...got to be better than walking on eggshells around this shit bag.

YearOfYouRemember · 19/02/2018 16:43

Any man who was this cruel because their wife hadn't been given them as much attention or had asked them to do housework isn't worth shit Hmm.

TheDailyMailLovesTheEUReally · 19/02/2018 16:51

There's normally something underlying when these things happen
Yes. It's quite often an affair.

Does your life revolve around the children rather than taking an interest in DH.
*You forgot to lecture her about how she should be having 'date nights' and putting him first when he gets in - perhaps making him a nice hot drink so that he can relax whilst she puts her pinny on and prepares dinner.

Have you nagged your DH - making him feel inadequate for some reason that he is now hitting back at you - not doing enough around the house - not taking an interest in the children etc...when he is perhaps working really hard to financially look after the family.
You are SO right, because the financial contribution that SHE is making is completely worthless. Saving the cost of FT childcare for two kids is an inconsequential contribution. I can quite understand why he's feel affronted and decide to start treating her like shit, because this is all her fault, isn't it?

Counselling and communication is the way forward....so he can open up why he is treating you so badly...in turn he may feel he has been treated badly too.
Again, great idea. Emotionally manipulating someone by refusing to talk to them, shutting them out and then threatening to take their children away is a completely appropriate reaction to his grievances.

Or back in reality, he's being a dick and OP needs to see a solicitor and protect herself because the likelihood is that he's having an affair - or is about to - and he's following the script to the letter...

BewareOfDragons · 19/02/2018 16:58

I'm sorry, OP.

I have read that percentage wise, a lot more marriages break down when there's a SN child in the mix. I think a lot of men just can't cope with their choice to have children sometimes looks like. I've seen it in several friends' marriages as well, where the men just couldn't or wouldn't accept what was going on with a child, and left instead of throwing in.

He may or may not be having an affair. He may just not be coping with the reality of you having to stay home because you have a child that needs you to do so. I have no idea. But I am sorry.

I wouldn't let him dither. He needs to man up and come out with what's going on and start treating you like an equal partner in your marriage and the way all human beings, especially those we claim to love deserve to be treated, or go. And if he decides he wants to go, I, too, would make it very clear he will be doing 50% of the child care and child rearing, even if he's on his own, as you will need to find a way to bring in an income, too and plan for your own future just as much as he is.

Good luck.

TatianaLarina · 19/02/2018 17:13

I have read that percentage wise, a lot more marriages break down when there's a SN child in the mix. I think a lot of men just can't cope with their choice to have children sometimes looks like. I've seen it in several friends' marriages as well, where the men just couldn't or wouldn't accept what was going on with a child, and left instead of throwing in

This is a good point. Some men are really good and others, even if they stay in the relationship, tune out and leave their partner to brunt of the care. Some just do not want to deal with the reality of the SN.

This is what irritates me about the rather immature comments about boring lifestyle. If OP had to stay home to look after a SN child, that may have represented a loss for her - of her old workplace, of personal income, of freedom.

kittensinmydinner1 · 19/02/2018 19:08

All of the points about affairs MAY be accurate but men aren't always 'unhappy' because of this. They MAY have other reasons. Like women they are also people. And have just as many reasons to be unhappy in a relationship.
It's extremely unpopular on MN to suggest that he could be finding being the main breadwinner too stressful. That you are completely wrapped up in the children and have lost sight of each other as husband and wife. He maybe a useless child carer who doesn't help out at home OR you may have taken that all on yourself and pushed him out mentally. Because- it's the way it is when you have a SN child. !
You simply won't know until you have an honest talk.
It could be a combination of ALL of that.
MN is very fond of portraying all mothers as blameless and all men as selfish philanders . It's not always that simple. It's may be faults on both sides.

TatianaLarina · 19/02/2018 19:25

It's extremely unpopular on MN to suggest that he could be finding being the main breadwinner too stressful

Having been the main breadwinner in the past, it’s bollocks. Who are all these people who find it so hard? How do you think single parents cope? They can’t go all snowflake.

And how stressful is OP finding being at home with kids all day? I’d rather be at work personally.

Turning against your partner is the shittiest way to deal with any such problems.

MN is very fond of portraying all mothers as blameless and all men as selfish philanders . It's not always that simple. It's may be faults on both sides

I can’t even be bothered.

kittensinmydinner1 · 19/02/2018 19:53

What you can't be bothered to consider that when a relationship hits a problem that there is the remotest possibility that there could be fault on both sides. ??

God give me strength!

Nameme17 · 19/02/2018 19:54

I agree Tatiana! I'm so taken aback that anyone would think it's fine for a partner to be so nasty and expect their partner to accept heartbreaking hurting mindless comments! For Godsake she has, as does anyone who has to stay at home for their children right to be treated as equal to a flaming breadwinner! He was part of creating the kids to! He could have allowed her to go to work and he stay at home if you're going to play nothing is black or white card.

Blackteadrinker77 · 19/02/2018 20:03

Nice victim blaming @teenmum60

Wrongwayup · 19/02/2018 20:11

Affair. Or possibility of . sorry.

Whatshallidonowpeople · 19/02/2018 20:19

@fizzygreenwater you are giving financial advice as though what you say is certainty. It is a possibility but definitely not a given. Please don't pass off your idle musings as fact!

ThePinkOcelot · 19/02/2018 20:23

Totally disagree with everything Teenmum posted.

kittensinmydinner1 · 19/02/2018 21:08

Whereas I think Teenmum is talking a lot of sense.

I don't think that anyone has suggested that is OK for one partner to treat another badly.

I don't think that anyone believes that it's perfectly ok to leave childcare and family life to be the default responsibility of 'the mother' .. nor to 'opt out' (if that's what he has done )

But IF this is a marriage that has hit problems then it HAS to be considered that there is a reason for a sudden change of behaviour, which could be as simple as feeling overwhelmed with the pressure of being the breadwinner.. OR resentment that OP is at home now children are at school/nursery (this may not be right - but it does happen) OR he might be having an affair.

To just think that because a man says he's unhappy, that it must be an affair - and must all be his fault, is a bit pathetic.

kittensinmydinner1 · 19/02/2018 21:15

Blackreadrinker77 - Victim blaming ? Last time I looked, a partner to a marriage was a spouse. Not a 'victim'.

If that marriage is in trouble, they need to talk to each other and try and work out what the problem is.

Calling one a 'victim' is not helpful. As you don't know both sides.

Teenmum60 · 19/02/2018 21:16

There are always two sides to every story ... I am a "single mother" who balanced a career and being a mum since my DD was 3 years old. I shared care with her dad...I was the single bread winner in my home (no maintenance from her dad because we shared care)....I worked around my DD's dad work pattern because I had the flexibility too. Did DD's dad say horrible things to me - Yes - did I say horrible things to him - Yes - that's what happens when relationships fall apart.

The Op's DH may be leaving the house at 6am and returning at 9pm ...it maybe tough for both parties and hence resentment happens and often things are said by each party - we only have one story here ...I dont bash either party - I stated Have you nagged your DH - making him feel inadequate for some reason that he is now hitting back at you

kittensinmydinner1 · 19/02/2018 21:22

Great post Teenmum.. but far to reasoned and logical for MN. Put your tin hat on !

ScattyCharly · 19/02/2018 21:22

This was my experience of my dh affair op.

He was seeing someone at work. It’s easier than you think. There are private places at work. There are meeting rooms with locks on the doors. If he is senior/important, he could be booking one and actually having sex in there if it’s lockable. Plus he could go on lunch dates to nearby restaurants. Don’t discount this possibility. And don’t expect him to admit it either.

Xenophile · 19/02/2018 22:58

Elendon the only person who carries any guilt for your ExH's affair is him. And he's the one missing out, because you're ace.