Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not know whether DH is leaving us?

238 replies

Mittensandmuffins · 19/02/2018 12:03

A couple of weeks ago everything changed. DH announced out of the blue one Sunday afternoon that he didn't want to upset me but that he didn't think that we'd be together if we didn't have the children. At the time I was upset by it but didn't take it too much to heart as i thought he might just be having a 'dramatic moment'. However, since then it's like he's had a personality transplant - he is very short with me, speaks to me in a nasty way most of the time, looks at me like he hates me and has cut off all affection (hasn't touched me once since). Even last night when we had a massive argument about it, I felt like we had reached rock bottom and was absolutely devastated and couldn't stop crying, he said 'what's wrong now?' and 'what are you crying for now?'

I have loved this man for 15 years and we have two beautiful children. I have no idea what has come over him as he is just so miserable with his life with me.

I'm feeling very vulnerable at the moment as I have been a SAHM for 4 years, looking after the children, one of whom has special needs. If he left I would have no way of supporting myself and the children financially and would have to move 3 hours away to be closer to my family.

I just can't understand his logic - he has stated so many times how much he loves our little family. He has no friends outside of work (well one, that he sees rarely), and does not have a great relationship with his family, so would be totally alone if he left.

Last night I reached rock bottom and said that he was to make his mind up sharpish whether he was leaving. I said he was either in or he was out, but I was not going to put up with him behaving like this and I'm not jumping through hoops to get him to stay.

This morning he was normal and acting like nothing had happened...I just feel totally on edge all of the time. What should I do? Sad

OP posts:
TheDailyMailLovesTheEUReally · 19/02/2018 12:30

He's the one with the great job, telling me that he's going to take my children for 50% of the time if he were to leave.

Right - and how is he going to take care of them? He hasn't got the first clue about childcare and what's involved and crucially, he's not interested in actually doing this. The only reason he is saying it is to hurt you.

I'd call his bluff. Next time he says it, reply "I am very pleased you have decided to step up and become a more involved parent. Are your work supportive of your request to go part time because of child care responsibilities? It will be great for me to have some more flexibility to be able to re-train and also get out and meet new people whilst you are taking the kids for your 50%."

I bet you he will backpedal so quickly you won't see him for fucking dust - because when he says he wants them for 50%, what he actually means is that he still wants you to do all the shit work and he will just pop in and out as he feels like it to be the perfect weekend disney dad.

WinnieFosterTether · 19/02/2018 12:30

You know you don't have to wait for him to decide? You can decide that you don't want to wait for him to 'make a decision'. You can decide he has been incredibly cruel to make a big statement, withdraw affection and then refuse to discuss it.
Honestly, you'd be better asking him to move out until you both decide what to do.
Don't give him the power to throw a grenade into your life and then act as normal. His behaviour is far from normal. Flowers

Original poster
Mittensandmuffins · 19/02/2018 12:30

You're all scaring me now. How could it be someone from work? Things get around work places so easily and he would never risk his reputation. How would i even find out?

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 19/02/2018 12:33

He's the one with the great job, telling me that he's going to take my children for 50% of the time if he were to leave.

Aha, one of those, eh?

This is such a common threat. The intention is to frighten you - behave, put up with it, woman at home - or, I can take your children! Your only 'thing'!

Um... but he can't. Or at least, he can't actually do that and still have his great job, can he? So he intends to do- what? Still keep exactly what he has now, basically full-time working and all that entails, but half the week he's also going to do the care for your SN child plus the drop offs and the being home at 3 etc. - or he's going to pay a childminder to do it all and not see them anyway-?

It's fine. The advice in these situations is always the same (and the feedback really funny, in many cases). You look him in the eye and say well of course. You think that you get to leave, and walk away, and not take equal responsibility for your children? You're damn right you'll do 50/50. 50% of the sleepless nights, 50% of the dinners and washing and bathing and cooking and slog, yes! Because we will no longer live together. I will be working, and quite possibly retraining to make up for the career years that I willingly sacrificed to facilitate OUR seteup. That will need redressing, as of course you'll understand. We will BOTH need good career situations in order to make our children secure - from now on, it won't be one worker and one home parent. We''ll both have to be both. It will be hard work... for us both!

And there's more, DH. Once we split, we will both eventually want to move on with other relationships. We'll both need downtime to develop new connections and a social life. So yes, again, you certainly will be doing 50% of overnights - you certainly won't be tripping off into a new lovely child-free life except when you fancy taking them to the park on a Saturday.

So yes, you will be 'taking my children for 50% of the time'. I'm so glad you're aware of your responsibilities' :)

He will shit himself, because you are not suppposed to say that. And because it is highly unlikely that he actually wants 50/50, certainly not now you've pointed out exactly what it would entail and how it would give YOU more freedom, not him.

And I would lay quite a large bet (though not as large as the one that says he's having an affair) that that would be the last you heard about 50/50.

IcaMorgan · 19/02/2018 12:33

I’d say he’s behaving like that now to make you be the one that ends it. He can then get all the sympathy as you left him

fluffyrobin · 19/02/2018 12:33

It will be someone at work and of course he'll let you know his password as he'll have a second phone.

QuiteLikely5 · 19/02/2018 12:33

Has he changed his appearance lately? New clothes? Dieting?

Any works nights out or overtime?

WinnieFosterTether · 19/02/2018 12:34

Please don't spend your energy trying to look for an affair. He's treating you badly. You need to deal with that not divert your attention to turning into a private detective.

QuiteLikely5 · 19/02/2018 12:34

Are there many employees in his workplace?

Online emotional affair?

lostmyfeckingkeysagain · 19/02/2018 12:35

I would sit him down and tell him that you've tried very hard to hear him and understand why he's suddenly so unhappy. But since he doesn't seem to be able to articulate why he's so unhappy or what he expects you to do about it he needs to either commit to getting to the bottom of the issues and working on your relationship through counselling or leave. He can't expect to drop this bombshell and then have things carry on as normal while you live with the threat of him leaving hanging over your head constantly.

As for him threatening that he'll go for 50/50 custody if you do split, has he thought about how he'll actually manage childcare unless he's prepared to reduce his working hours? I would also make it very clear that you won't be the one leaving the family home since you are the primary carer and the kids need stability.

Bakedappleflavour · 19/02/2018 12:35

I agree that this just screams affair. It happened to a friend of mine recently - husband went completely cold on her out of the blue and she was adamant there could be no affair as he drove ten minutes to work, worked all day, drove ten minutes home and was at home all evening. Didn't socialise, had no friends.

He was having an emotional affair with a woman at work. They would go and have their lunch hours together etc.

I would be very surprised if there is no other woman involved in this, I'm sorry OP.

Elendon · 19/02/2018 12:36

Sorry to scare you even more, but his behaviour is similar to my exh (we have a special needs child as well) before he left to be with his affair partner (they now have two children, both with special needs).

They both risked their reputations in their work but in the end it all blew over, and yes people did know about it but never said anything.

araiwa · 19/02/2018 12:37

Sounds like hes fed up

NextIndia · 19/02/2018 12:39

Another one saying affair at work. I was exactly the same as you - wouldn't have time/risk his reputation/isn't the sort etc etc. Except he did.

Zaphodsotherhead · 19/02/2018 12:41

Does it matter, really?

He wants out. And I know it's going to hurt, but for your own self respect, you need to let him go. He's vacillating now, because he hasn't really thought it through (where will he go, how can he look after the children etc) but this is not your problem.

I echo those saying look him in the eye, tell him you're sorry it hasn't worked out, shove his hold all with his clothes in his hand and tell him you'll see him when he picks the children up on .....(day of your choice).

He might just be having a 'grass is greener' moment. Best way to shake him out of it is to show him that, no, it's the same grass, it only looks greener through rose-tinted specs.

katmarie · 19/02/2018 12:43

Realistically, if he wants to have an affair at work, it's easily done. But tbh I wouldn't focus too much on that right now. Either way he's treated you terribly. You need to decide whether you're going to sit back and accept the way he's treated you the past few weeks. If you are, then you need to buckle in and accept that he may well pull this kind of bullshit at random intervals for the rest of your marriage, and if you accept it once, he has no reason to buck up his ideas. So how are you going to live with that? And how are you going to teach your kids to expect to be treated better in their future relationships when they see you tolerating his behavior?

If you're not prepared to accept his crap, then you need to decide, practically, what you're going to do about it. If you want to try relationship counseling, start looking for recommendations, perhaps book an initial appointment for yourself. If you want him to leave, start making your plans now. Get copies of any important documents, download all the bank statements you can lay your hands on, get the kids passports etc. get on entitledto.co.uk and work out what help you'll get as a single parent, and use that to start making plans about housing and finances. It's scary, I know, and there's a lot to consider, but there is loads of help on here, and in real life too, you just need to ask for it.

TatianaLarina · 19/02/2018 12:44

The sudden change in his behaviour do suggest he’s met someone at work, yes. The abrupt scission of affection particularly. It may not be th case though.

Not sure how 50:50 would work if if he’s working FT and one child has special needs. In his head he’s simply telling himself he won’t lose the kids, so he can have it all.

He likely hasn’t considered that you might need to move near your family to help with childcare if he leaves.

FizzyGreenWater · 19/02/2018 12:44

Yep agree, you could forget about the why for the moment.

I'd focus on getting details on all financials - mortgage, his wage details and pension, everything.

WhatWouldOliviaPopeDo · 19/02/2018 12:48

I agree it could be an emotional affair rather than a physical affair with someone at work, so long lunches together wouldn't necessarily raise eyebrows. But echoing what PP are saying: get your financials in order.

PollyPerky · 19/02/2018 12:48

You need to 'book a meeeting' with him.

Tell him you want to talk this over, seriously and without your children being around. Get a babysitter and go out to a pub or whatever, or talk when they are in bed.

Asking him and getting no clear reply is not the answer.

I'd not bank on him having an affair, He might be but he might not be. MN always screams 'affair' at the drop of a hat. or underpants.

Ask him outright. Be calm, cool, watch his reactions.

Dungeondragon15 · 19/02/2018 12:48

The sudden change in attitude does suggest he is interested in someone else. The fact that you haven't seen anything on his phone suggests he sees a lot of this woman in person (i.e. she is at work) or he has another phone. Does he ever work overtime? If not he could still be having lunch with her every day...

I think you need to assume that he doesn't have good intentions and make plans for the future.

Original poster
Mittensandmuffins · 19/02/2018 12:49

No, I'm not concentrating on the whys. I'm just worried about my children and how we could continue to live here. However, would i be unreasonable to ask him to show me his works messaging system they use?

OP posts:
Original poster
Mittensandmuffins · 19/02/2018 12:50

I would honestly be devastated if he had given his heart to somebody else...

OP posts:
flipperflop · 19/02/2018 12:52

Have you checked his phone etc properly?

Wellfuckmeinbothears · 19/02/2018 12:52

I'm sorry but this sounds like an affair at work. Or an emotional online affair.

It happens more than you think, people find the time when they want to.

I'm so sorry, this must hurt like hell.