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Original poster

To not know whether DH is leaving us?

238 replies

Mittensandmuffins · 19/02/2018 12:03

A couple of weeks ago everything changed. DH announced out of the blue one Sunday afternoon that he didn't want to upset me but that he didn't think that we'd be together if we didn't have the children. At the time I was upset by it but didn't take it too much to heart as i thought he might just be having a 'dramatic moment'. However, since then it's like he's had a personality transplant - he is very short with me, speaks to me in a nasty way most of the time, looks at me like he hates me and has cut off all affection (hasn't touched me once since). Even last night when we had a massive argument about it, I felt like we had reached rock bottom and was absolutely devastated and couldn't stop crying, he said 'what's wrong now?' and 'what are you crying for now?'

I have loved this man for 15 years and we have two beautiful children. I have no idea what has come over him as he is just so miserable with his life with me.

I'm feeling very vulnerable at the moment as I have been a SAHM for 4 years, looking after the children, one of whom has special needs. If he left I would have no way of supporting myself and the children financially and would have to move 3 hours away to be closer to my family.

I just can't understand his logic - he has stated so many times how much he loves our little family. He has no friends outside of work (well one, that he sees rarely), and does not have a great relationship with his family, so would be totally alone if he left.

Last night I reached rock bottom and said that he was to make his mind up sharpish whether he was leaving. I said he was either in or he was out, but I was not going to put up with him behaving like this and I'm not jumping through hoops to get him to stay.

This morning he was normal and acting like nothing had happened...I just feel totally on edge all of the time. What should I do? Sad

OP posts:
SpitefulMidLifeAnimal · 19/02/2018 15:00

Mad, it's an internet forum, anyone can join in whenever they want and say what they like. Your earlier post inferred that you couldn't see any other way to raise kids than 3 bed det/2 cars ("Like what, whiskey?").

Your indignation indicates that this is your lifestyle and that's great if you enjoy it and are able to pay for it without any stress. It's just not everybody's preference.

Elendon · 19/02/2018 15:05

Every time I read the script I think, momentarily, how could I have been so foolish as to fall for that. But this is hindsight. At the time, I really thought there was a crisis. When you are 20 years with someone, you want to do everything to help.

I knew only one couple who separated through mutual consent (Swedish as it happens). They initially went for 50/50 as is the law in Sweden, but after a couple of years it was deemed not to work. It was civilised but not without anguish too.

wysteriafloribunba · 19/02/2018 15:06

Sorry, classic work affair. You only know the passwords to the accounts you know about. If he's smart he'll have another email, second phone etc

whiskyowl · 19/02/2018 15:10

Vladimir basically said it all already Smile. Nothing wrong with the 3-bed detached lifestyle if that's what works for you, but it's not for everyone. Problems arise when it's what one member of a couple wants, but the other finds it boring or desires a different kind of life. I think this kind of conflict often runs along gendered lines simply because of the gender pay gap, and the fact that SAHPs are consequently often female.

MaybeDoctor · 19/02/2018 15:29

What a horrible situation - the rug has not just been pulled out from in under you, you don't even know where firm ground is any more...:(

Stay very, very cool. The fewer tears and less reaction you give the better. This will mess with his head big time.

Tell him that you need to know his plans. Act sad but calm, as if you are resigned to this turn of events. At every stage use the language of choice - he can choose to do this, you can't stop him, but it will have X, Y and Z repercussions....

Set a deadline in your own head for when you will begin taking steps yourself.

MadMags · 19/02/2018 15:31

I think we can agree, whiskey that that’s hardly a reason for his behavior. I’d hate for OP to think that the life she’s created is somehow to blame for what he’s doing now.

Spiteful oh dear, that’s quite the inaccurate leap you’ve made. But don’t let a silly thing like facts get in the way 😂😂

ChaosNeverRains · 19/02/2018 15:31

People are too fixated on the idea that it’s an affair, almost like a competition to prove that they’re right. It might be, it might not be, but to be honest it doesn’t matter why, what matters is that he clearly wants out and regardless of the reasons he has made his motives very clear.

So I would stop wondering about an affair, because if it is and he ends it the trust will be gone anyway, if it isn’t you are going to beat yourself up wanting to know what’s happened that he doesn’t want to be in the marriage any more.

You have time to explore all of that in your own space once he’s gone, but for now I would call his bluff. Tell him that you understand that he wants out of the marriage, so from now on he can consider you separated. He can move out tonight or alternatively into the spare room if you have one. You’ll be having the DC 50/50 and the sooner he and they get used to this arrangement so you’ve arranged to go and see your family without them for the weekend so that he can get yused to being a single parent and responsible for all the childcare on his time as well.

Then book an appointment to go and see a solicitor tomorrow to see what you’re entitled to. Does your DC with SN attend specialist education for instance? Because if so this may go in your favour in terms of being able to stay in the family home. Having said that though, there is much to be said for just selling up and taking the equity and moving on without that kind of shared asset in the equation.

You can be in control here. You just need to be strong.

milliemolliemou · 19/02/2018 15:32

OP I'd go with what blacktea said. Get your ducks in a line with the financials ASAP and visit a solicitor. Privately.

He may not be having an affair and may just feel he's trapped providing for a family where the concentration is on the children - plenty of men think this. However his attitude to you is appalling.

If it comes to a head ask him to move out. And ask how he'll provide the 50:50 immediately.

ShellyBoobs · 19/02/2018 15:33

I think this kind of conflict often runs along gendered lines simply because of the gender pay gap, and the fact that SAHPs are consequently often female.

I think you have the cause and effect mixed up.

TatianaLarina · 19/02/2018 15:34

DH is an adult he chose this life, if he doesn’t like it he can change it. He doesn’t have to turn against his wife to do so.

The daily routine of family life is often boring. It’s boring whatever kind of property you live in. However you structure your life. Whether both partners work or just one. However many parties you go to or holidays you take. None of this makes much odds because life boils down to the same domestic elements until the children have left home.

whiskyowl · 19/02/2018 15:35

Shelly - how so? The gender pay gap and cost of childcare causes couples to make decisions about who stays at home, and because men tend to be earning more, they tend to keep working.

Mad - I said very clearly in my post that I wasn't excusing his behaviour, merely offering an explanation for it.

MadMags · 19/02/2018 15:39

I’ll consier myself lucky then that I’ve never come across a man who treats his family so abominably through boredom.

TatianaLarina · 19/02/2018 15:47

Quite.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 19/02/2018 15:52

I’m sure it’ll have been mentioned, but he could easily have a cheap ‘pay as you go’ phone.

The most unlikely men have affairs.

However, it’s irrelevant. The FACT is that he wants out. All you can do is let him go with your dignity intact. You did REALLY well telling him to make his mind up, but you weren’t putting up with it like this. Now you need to back that up. Pack a bag for him, tell him as he hasn’t come to you pleading for an opportunity to make this work, he can fuck off to his parents. Your solicitor will be in touch. Tell him he can start fitting out how he’s going to have the children 50% of the time.

It’s shit, but you WILL get through this

Be firm. Don’t play any version of the pick me game.

Helmetbymidnight · 19/02/2018 15:56

But I do think you get a choice about how you raise children, and it doesn't have to be in a 3-bed detached with two cars. There are more rewarding and fulfilling ways of doing it than those that are chosen by many, many people.

Mm, I'd love to bring up my children in a chateau in the South of France, or in a penthouse in New York. Unfortunately though, we have to do what we can...

GnotherGnu · 19/02/2018 16:04

I feel powerless in this situation. He's the one with the great job, telling me that he's going to take my children for 50% of the time if he were to leave

You aren't in the least powerless. He obviously isn't going to take the children for 50% of the time because he has no way of looking after them and keeping the "great job". Meanwhile, he has a duty to maintain and house his children, so you don't need to worry about where you will live. Yes, in the longer term you will need to work to help to support them, but there isn't any immediate crisis.

gluteustothemaximus · 19/02/2018 16:08

Red flags are looking at you like he hates you. Being short with you and nasty to you. When you’re upset, no empathy but ‘what now?!’ attitude.

He’s distancing himself. Qualifying his actions. Either to make you end it. Or just to make it easier on justifying his leaving.

I’ve seen a lot of work affairs. I’ve seen a lot of ‘but he wouldn’t have time for an affair’. But if there’s intent, there’s time.

Regardless of affair or not, his behaviour is disgusting after 15 years and two children.

Be strong, and start getting things in order as PP have advised.

And yes, a lot of men threaten the 50/50 childcare, or even 100% in my case as he threatened to say I was mentally unstable. It is just that, a threat. From an arsehole.

Good luck x

MissEliza · 19/02/2018 16:10

What you are saying sounds so much like the experience of a friend of mine about 3 years ago, even including her
now exh saying he'd go for 50/50 custody despite it being impossible with his job (I reckon it's to mess with your head). She would not accept that he was capable of an affair, despite what we tried to tell her and convinced herself he was having a nervous breakdown. When the truth came to light she was devastated and he had the upper hand as he'd had a chance to plan his exit. If my dh was behaving like yours, I'd be seeing a solicitor and looking at my finances.

MissEliza · 19/02/2018 16:12

Also IME men rarely threaten to leave unless they have a plan B ie another woman to go to.

SongforSal · 19/02/2018 16:19

Op. I have literally acted like your DP over the last few months towards my Dp. And I can categorically state, I am not, nor am I planning an affair. Tell your DP you can hear him, and you want councilling and time together. Don't waste time torturing yourself over a possible non existant affair

retirementrocks · 19/02/2018 16:21

Actually, the undermining of somebody's confidence and causing them anxiety is bullying behaviour. Undoubtedly the stress he is causing will impact on your children and it's not fair of him to behave so badly. Cruel and indulgent on his part, I think
Stay strong and stand up to him and his unacceptable behaviour.

MadMags · 19/02/2018 16:21

What a horrible way to treat someone!

Alwayslumpyporridge · 19/02/2018 16:23

What does he do for lunch normally? could you suggest pop along and meet him for lunch? see what his reaction to this?

Jux · 19/02/2018 16:27

You aren't powerless. I know you feel it, but you're not. In your position, just waiting for him to make a decision, I would make it for him. Tell him to go, at least for a little while, a few weeks or a month or two. That'll give YOU a little space to decide what YOU want. You might find you don't actually want him back.

Teenmum60 · 19/02/2018 16:29

There's normally something underlying when these things happen ...

Does your life revolve around the children rather than taking an interest in DH.

Have you nagged your DH - making him feel inadequate for some reason that he is now hitting back at you - not doing enough around the house - not taking an interest in the children etc...when he is perhaps working really hard to financially look after the family.

Counselling and communication is the way forward....so he can open up why he is treating you so badly...in turn he may feel he has been treated badly too.