To not know whether DH is leaving us?

[Mittensandmuffins]

A couple of weeks ago everything changed. DH announced out of the blue one Sunday afternoon that he didn't want to upset me but that he didn't think that we'd be together if we didn't have the children. At the time I was upset by it but didn't take it too much to heart as i thought he might just be having a 'dramatic moment'. However, since then it's like he's had a personality transplant - he is very short with me, speaks to me in a nasty way most of the time, looks at me like he hates me and has cut off all affection (hasn't touched me once since). Even last night when we had a massive argument about it, I felt like we had reached rock bottom and was absolutely devastated and couldn't stop crying, he said 'what's wrong now?' and 'what are you crying for now?'

I have loved this man for 15 years and we have two beautiful children. I have no idea what has come over him as he is just so miserable with his life with me.

I'm feeling very vulnerable at the moment as I have been a SAHM for 4 years, looking after the children, one of whom has special needs. If he left I would have no way of supporting myself and the children financially and would have to move 3 hours away to be closer to my family.

I just can't understand his logic - he has stated so many times how much he loves our little family. He has no friends outside of work (well one, that he sees rarely), and does not have a great relationship with his family, so would be totally alone if he left.

Last night I reached rock bottom and said that he was to make his mind up sharpish whether he was leaving. I said he was either in or he was out, but I was not going to put up with him behaving like this and I'm not jumping through hoops to get him to stay.

This morning he was normal and acting like nothing had happened...I just feel totally on edge all of the time. What should I do?

Kerala this is so true. Might I add working mums are usually expected to cover when the kids are sick. I'm lucky to have a dh who works from home but when he was office based it usually fell to me to sort it.

Or when the children are in primary school, especially key stage one, the go to person is mum - whose obviously at home or if at work can drop everything and come running. I know someone who is a consultant surgeon and she was rung during an operation!

who is, not whose ?

I feel powerless in this situation. He's the one with the great job, telling me that he's going to take my children for 50% of the time if he were to leave.

they are also his DC, so why should he have them less.

If he has them 50% of the time, you would be able to return at least part time..

I also have a child with complex and severe needs & marriage on the rocks. I would weep with joy of my H would offer to share childcare 50:50 as I would be able to rebuilt my live, could train, get back into work....

An update....

Everything during the day is normal but when the children have gone to bed, DH says he is unhappy with our relationship. He says he doesn't know what has triggered it, he says maybe he saw another couple that looked happy and realised we're not like that?, he can't remember. He says he loves me but isn't happy any more. He sits every evening looking miserable.

We've talked and talked, but the blame just falls back on me. How I don't appreciate that he works to financially support us all, etc, etc. lots of little things he says, nothing major.

He says he's not leaving and says he loves me but I feel like this is worse. He's just disappearing and can't snap out of it....

I told him that the way he sees things is completely different to how I do. I love our life, I love our family, and I love him, I would never want anyone else. I think we are happy, but that he's looking for things to be wrong for some reason....

I asked him why he didn't come near me anymore and there were more excuses....I ended up throwing myself at him last night in a moment of madness to try and snap him out of it and now i feel like utter shit this morning because it hasn't changed anything at all....

He says he's not leaving but he's clearly thought about it at some point. I said that if he left that would be HIS choice but the children would stay with me as I am the primary caretaker. He said I wasn't the primary caretaker as they are at school all day. But of course I'm the one who does everything for them from the minute they wake up and he just turns up half an hour before bedtime... So I thought...and this is where it begins....his totally irrational trails of thought.

I just feel like I am in total limbo...he is really messing with my head. I don't know how to act. I really don't want to keep going over the same things all the time.

I refuse to tell him to leave as I know he would just LOVE that and would use it against me and say it was my fault. On the other hand I can't live like this for much longer...

P.S - There is no affair...he is just miserable with his life

It sounds as though you are happy as you have him, his financial support so you don't have to work, free time in the day to do what you like and plenty of time with the chidren.

He's quite clearly telling you he's not happy but you aren't listening as you can't see any problems bar the lack of sex.

The fact you see the chidren as yours and yours alone and him wanting them 50/50 if he chose to leave as irrational behaviour says a lot. They are your joint children not just yours.

Things won't fix themselves and it's likely he doesn't want to leave because of your threats re the children.

You both need to accept it's over, be fair re access and use this time now to get work so that you can self support when he does leave.

He said I wasn't the primary caretaker as they are at school all day.

I think this sums it up - how he sees you. All the work you do, all the house cleaning and laundry and cooking...it's all nothing. His job is obviously the only thing that counts...

And it still doesn't mean there's no affair. Like bollocks does he 'not remember' what he 'saw' that made him feel this way. Read posts on here, moments like that are seared on people's memories, when they realise that their marriage isn't what they want. Make him leave. If it's your fault - so what? He's not happy, you're not happy, one of you has to break the deadlock.

I think this sums it up - how he sees you. All the work you do, all the house cleaning and laundry and cooking...it's all nothing. His job is obviously the only thing that counts..

Well it’s not really much is it? With two school age children and no job? He’s probably a bit fed up of being expected to appreciate someone who has a pretty comfortable time of it that he funds and who views him as a bit of a cash point just there for ‘half and hour’ at the end of the day.

The OP views the kids as hers, not his, because she is there more often. But HE is the one enabling her to do that. Yet she appears to view that as a failing and a reason for him to be punished in terms of access rather than appreciating it has enabled her to stay home.

It’s a bit much to say he doesn’t appreciate what —little— the OP does when he doesn’t seem to get much appreciation back the other way.

It sounds like he feels shut out and exploited and with pretty good reason. I think a SAHM with school age children would have to have a pretty big brass neck to tell the person supporting them that she is not appreciated when she does so much.

In fact I think if she told him that it would probably convince him to go.

Yellow and Elton -one of her children has special needs. I have a friend with an SN child - he's now 24 and needs constant supervision.. She will never be able to go to work. Maybe OP is in the same situation?

If you end the relationship, would you have to go to work again? Why not try getting a part time job that allows him to cut back his hours a little bit? It might make the situation happier for the both of you.

Just wanted to say sympathies - I lived for a long time with me Ex saying ‘we were only together for the kids’. It’s a horrible limbo and it destroys a relationship. Don’t put up with it.

Btw I also have a special needs child. Doesn’t alter the torture of being in limbo. Currently waiting for DP to move out.

My financial situation is his problem - I’m not making it easier - no idea how I’ll cope but as the main carer and unable to work - doesn’t mean I have to cope with this bullshit of indecision.

Nor should you. Kick him out! Work out finances later.

He said I wasn't the primary caretaker as they are at school all day.

Time for a few days away to get a break, I think.

'I think we both need a bit of space, I'm off to see family for a couple of days. What's that? But they don't need much care, I thought? They're at school all day, remember? That's what you said. So it should be easy for you - it's only washing, dressing, cooking, feeding, gettign them to bed and up and school stuff and pickups and obviously X needs more care but you've already told me that I'm not the primary caregiver, school is, so no problem yes?'

And actually go. Don't just make a point of it and then not do it. Even if it's only for 48 hours. Be away, fully away, and don't 'prep' meanls/clothes/information in advance.

Oh and yes, ask him to leave. Does it matter what he says? But get yourself organised first.

I would do a day/week list of every thing you do during the day. List all the school/appointments you do during this time. Perhaps when he sees written down what you actually do he may think differently.

Alternatively I would start looking for a part time job, but in doing so I would stop doing things for him. Let him do his own washing/ironing, make dinner but only make one put his on a plate and he can warm it when he gets home. I would let him know if and when you do go back to work he will be expected to step up to the plate and cover certain duties at home and school and any appointments for the children.

Make him see the true day in your life it is the only way he will understand.

But I would also start protecting yourself, can you squirrel away some money into a account he doesn't know about.

He's being pretty unreasonable by telling you he's not happy but also saying he doesn't want to do anything about that :/ Somethings going to have to give here.

Not sure why posters are giving the OP a hard time. Having a kid with special needs is no joke!

She’s not told her DH that she’s unhappy. Because she remains committed to him. He has basically told her he won’t leave but doesn’t feel happy staying but ‘can’t say why’. So he’s emotionally just abandoned her. Very cruel.

If he said ‘ I love you, remain totally committed but the financial strain is crippling me’ then as a loving couple OP would have a secure space to work with him. That’s miles away from a blanket ‘not happy’ where the poor OP is already trying to appease through a ‘pick me dance’.

It is very very lonely being a SAHM with special needs so there may well be lots of stress for the OP too. It hasn’t made her bail out of the relationship though.

Yes do what fizzy said.

Given that this relationship is unlikely to get any better and he doesn’t have nerve to leave, you need to truly evaluate whether can live in love less sex less marriage. If you can then stay, and if you can’t then leave whilst you are still young enough to start again.

How I don't appreciate that he works to financially support us all

Do you think appreciates all the work that you do - including a special needs child? It doesn’t sound like it.

It’s all very me me me. That might be depression but he may just be self-absorbed.

If you did what fizzy suggested I think a proportionate response from him would be to empty the joint account and stop all her cards...

If he is desperately unhappy, but doesn't know why and still loves you, then he needs support. He might be depressed, he might be miserable at work but unwilling to risk his career by acknowledging he is unhappy or not doing well there etc. Either way, he needs some external help, and a visit to a GP would be the first thing. A private GP (if you can afford it) will give him a bit more time to talk and see where things are headed. He might need counselling, he might need something more.

Counselling can be about £40 - £60 an hour - it might be money well spent helping him work this out.

Yes, he could be just jerking you around, but it doesn't really sound that way.

Either way, it's no harm insulating yourself a bit. If the children are both at school, perhaps a return to some form of work outside the home could be considered? Does your old career lend itself to part time or freelance work, or could you retrain in something? Do your child's special needs mean that after school care is off the table just now?

By staying he gets to blame OP for everything without having to take responsibility for his issues.

I’d say - he needs individual therapy and need relationship counselling together, if both those don’t work, then you split.

I really feel for you. It's the limbo that is the hardest, the feeling like you don't know the full story.

For now, I guess you have to take him at his word that he is truly just dissatisfied with life (although it really really does sound like at the very least, he has experienced an emotional attachment to someone else leading him to question life).

I think you need to stop him focusing on blame/how he is feeling as that seems to be taking you round in circles. I'd focus on the future - how can you both change things to make things better? You getting a job - part time or full time? Him reducing hours? Changing career? Moving house/area - possibly to somewhere cheaper? Taking a year out to travel as a family? More time to himself/hobbies? I'd put anything you can think of on the table as a discussion point. His reaction to that conversation will be very telling. If he doesn't even want to engage with how things can be made better then in my opinion, he is engineering the beginning of the end but wants it to be "a mutual decision" or better still (for him), "your fault".

I would be suggesting relationship counselling, possibly him seeing his GP for depression and/or him having therapy individually. His reaction to that will be telling. It doesn't make sense if he is so unhappy but rejects anything that could solve that.

Have a break. He has no right to rule you and leave you in limbo, you are a person not a thing. Is there somewhere you can go (friend? family?) or, even better, rent a cottage somewhere and have a mini break with the children and take a friend for company.

Basically YOU have to take control because he is being abusive. Leaving him to stew for a while will either scare him into working to keep the family unit or he will be off which if he wants he'll be doing anyway, so you have nothing to lose.