To not know whether DH is leaving us?

[Mittensandmuffins]

A couple of weeks ago everything changed. DH announced out of the blue one Sunday afternoon that he didn't want to upset me but that he didn't think that we'd be together if we didn't have the children. At the time I was upset by it but didn't take it too much to heart as i thought he might just be having a 'dramatic moment'. However, since then it's like he's had a personality transplant - he is very short with me, speaks to me in a nasty way most of the time, looks at me like he hates me and has cut off all affection (hasn't touched me once since). Even last night when we had a massive argument about it, I felt like we had reached rock bottom and was absolutely devastated and couldn't stop crying, he said 'what's wrong now?' and 'what are you crying for now?'

I have loved this man for 15 years and we have two beautiful children. I have no idea what has come over him as he is just so miserable with his life with me.

I'm feeling very vulnerable at the moment as I have been a SAHM for 4 years, looking after the children, one of whom has special needs. If he left I would have no way of supporting myself and the children financially and would have to move 3 hours away to be closer to my family.

I just can't understand his logic - he has stated so many times how much he loves our little family. He has no friends outside of work (well one, that he sees rarely), and does not have a great relationship with his family, so would be totally alone if he left.

Last night I reached rock bottom and said that he was to make his mind up sharpish whether he was leaving. I said he was either in or he was out, but I was not going to put up with him behaving like this and I'm not jumping through hoops to get him to stay.

This morning he was normal and acting like nothing had happened...I just feel totally on edge all of the time. What should I do?

I always try and keep my mind open like that and be balanced and reasonable and think "relationships aren't simple or straightforward ". And then time and time again I find that the man has an OW and that's the explanation. So while I agree with Teenmum60 in principle, I find the rather more sordid explanation is more often actually the truth no matter how hard I try to square the circle

"It's extremely unpopular on MN to suggest that he could be finding being the main breadwinner too stressful"

None of what I am about to say is a comment on the OP or her situation!

It's not just being the main breadwinner, though, is it? It's being stuck in an unrewarding life where there is a round of working to fund a lifestyle (often an indebted one). I'm absolutely NOT excusing men who have affairs because they are bored, not at all, but I do think it's important to acknowledge the fact that both SAHPs and breadwinners are placed under enormous but very different stresses in a capitalist system, and that the pursuit of a very materialistic lifestyle can contribute to a sense of claustrophobia and panic, and a desire to escape it all (which, unfortunately, is very difficult)

Whiskey I take your points as very valid ones but this family has the added pressure of a special needs child. They are not living a typical suburban boring life - in fact to me they sound like they have been under pressure for a number of years and are at the point where they are possibly each reaching the end of their personal reserves.
OP I have no idea whether your husband is having an affair or not - what comes across is that he is miserable and you conviently are now the focus of his upset and the target for his frustration with his life. I’m not for a minute saying it’s your fault but in his head he’s blaming you.
Can other family members step in to help at all? A break away from the children for a weekend might give space for you as a couple to discuss things but I of course appreciate that might not work with your child’s SN. Do you have support from school? Is any respite available?
It’s not fair and very sad for you but it’s best to tackle this as he’s voting himself out of the family with this behavior and you need to steel yourself for the changes that are coming affair or no affair.

Amammi - You put that so well! That's exactly what I'm trying to say, only you put it so much better than I did. Parenthood and work can get very, very tough at time - for both parties, not just the SAHP. Add in any additional pressures (debt, materialism, SEN, illness - it could be a whole host of things) and things start to break down. If I'm right and this is general misery and not an affair, then the key to solving it is going to be depressuring the pressure cooker as much as possible, which is why your suggestions of a break, respite care, school support are so excellent.

What you can't be bothered to consider that when a relationship hits a problem that there is the remotest possibility that there could be fault on both sides

No I can’t be bothered to engage with such unintelligent comments as you’ve managed to muster.

but I do think it's important to acknowledge the fact that both SAHPs and breadwinners are placed under enormous but very different stresses in a capitalist system, and that the pursuit of a very materialistic lifestyle can contribute to a sense of claustrophobia and panic, and a desire to escape it all (which, unfortunately, is very difficult)

Except you didn’t acknowledge the fact that OP may be under strain in your earlier posts, simply focused on DH. And where does this nonsense abut materialistic lifestyles come from? If someone engages in that and doesn’t enjoy it they only have themselves to blame.

A much greater strain is placed on families by SN or disabled children, or lack of money rather excessive materialism. Fuck all to do with capitalism.

I never found being a breadwinner hard so I do wonder about these apparently numerous wilting violets who are collapsing under the strain.

None of which is the remotest justification for turning against your partner out of the blue when you could have discussed all the issues and sought counselling if necessary.

I was thinking more dlalong the lines of depression. I acted similarly with my DH before I was diagnosed with PTSD and it was the anxiety and depression having an impact on me.

Doesn't excuse the behaviour but it might explain it.

If the relationship was simply running its course, if the H was having some sort of crisis linked to the stress of being the main breadwinner then the H would not be threatening to take the children away from the OP.

That is a calculated, nasty move which suggests a) he is ready willing and able to hurt the OP, or b) he's already checked into the financials and wants to start positioning himself.

I am with a DH who has struggled enormously with stress (and indeed having a child with SN). The conversations at our lowest went much more along 'you'll be better off without me' or 'I can't be the person you need me to be'. Not 'I can't look at you and I'm having your kids half the time'.

It doesn’t matter if there’s an affair or not.
An OW could be the cause, or a symptom. Or not exist.

What matters is that you OP cannot and should not live with someone who looks at you as if he hates you 😢
Don’t waste time on trying to work him out. Put your children first and start the split. Get a solicitor now while your finances are still joined.

To just think that because a man says he's unhappy, that it must be an affair - and must all be his fault, is a bit pathetic.

What is genuinely a bit pathetic is having read the thread and completely failed to understand this point.

No-one has said he must be having an affair because he’s unhappy. If he had simply confessed unhappiness this would be a different thread entirely.

It’s the sudden change in his behaviour and the specific ways in which it changed may be characteristic of an affair. As many posters who have experienced affairs have attested.

I said myself one can’t be sure he’s having an affair, he also may have been dissatisfied for some time and then snapped. However an affair, even just an emotional affair (which I would think more likely given his MO) is quite possible based on his behaviour.

Victim blaming doesn’t mean the person is indeed a victim any more than it does when applied to rape survivors. It simply means that the person who has been mistreated by another is held responsible for that harm.

Good points Lonny

I don’t mean to worry you but this exact same scenario happened to me - right down to the change in behaviour and getting cross with me when I was upset. My now ex dh had no social life. Was never out anywhere etc. We had access to each other’s phones etc.

What he was doing was creating a secret Facebook account and had contacted an ex he had before me. They had been messaging each other and one weekend when he told me he was visiting his mum (we lived 130 miles away and he would often visit alone as I worked odd hours) he actually went to visit her.

He upped and left 2 weeks later. Never seen or heard from him since. Neither has dd who was 5 at the time. That was 9 years ago now. I am now happily remarried and have a son as well now. Ex dh was a total dick.

MN always jumps to the affair conclusion, it's always the mans fault never the woman's or a mix of both.

We have the OPs side of the story only, we don't have his or the reasons he is so unhappy.

If he wants out, he doesn't have to give a reason he can just end the relationship. What he shouldn't do is be horrible in the meantime and simply keep out of the way if need be.

As for him wanting the children 50/50 why not? He wants to leave his wife not them and obviously is worried he will end up seeing them little. We don't know what the OP said to him in the argument that could have triggered the comment.

Both parties are adults and are free to make their own decisions, women are always being encouraged to leave when not satisfied with a relationship so why not men?

Sounds like he's depressed. It's a real shame he has no social outlet apart from you and the kids. Could he not join a group etc, to get him out and seeing other men. Or do a hobby etc.
My OH was depressed and I literally had to force him to see his friends, he has been much happier since. He also goes swimming after work and at weekends, for an hour. His mood has improved dramatically.
Not sure he's having an affair, might be that he fancies someone and has decided his life with you is boring etc.
But I would go with depressed. It's not healthy to not have some sort of social life.

Yellow, the reasons for his behaviour are largely irrelevant as has been stated on the thread numerous times.

There is no reason or excuse for his treatment of the OP and consequently his children.

My OH behaviour, when depressed, was similar to yours,lashing out emotionally at me. He's better now. Men do suffer depression and hopelessness. He obviously has something bothering him.
But I would discount the affair thing.

But you are right to not let this behavior continue. If he needs help and will help himself, of course support him. But if he's making you all unhappy and won't say what's wrong or won't get help, you don't have to be a martyr. I gave mine at ultimatum to either change stuff and get help or get out. He got help and changed.
But my dad was a manic depressive and I sure as hell wasn't having a repeat of his behaviour with my son. Good luck to you

Some reading for people who think like Teenmum, ridiculous.

I’ll consier myself lucky then that I’ve never come across a man who treats his family so abominably through boredom.

Do.
One of my best friends has just been through this with her selfish nasty exhusband. The way he's treated her is just revolting. And even after getting everything he apparently wanted, he's still a miserable nasty shit. Gee, I wonder why?

OP I hope you're ok in the midst of all our bickering. You can always return for support if you need to.

If he was just unhappy then the OP would have seen signs before now. The reason everyone is saying "affair" is because hes gone overnight from saying he loves their family to acting and looking like he suddenly hates her.

The flip side of the "poor breadwinner" line is the utter luxury of not having to think about childcare or anything related to that at work and just focus on work.

I recently went to work in a traditional office setting (work for myself normally) and the stress was immense. Boss needs a document to go out that evening. If I stay I miss my bus cannot pick up from after school club. Eek am on thebrownie run. Frantic texting of friends. Need to give them tea what's quick etc etc. Dh just works and stays late if necessary blissfully untroubled by all that.

Told this story before - my friend uses a park and ride as her commute. At the end of the day the majority of women run to their cars. One man even asked my friend "why do the women run?".

What you are doing is valuable op and of huge benefit to him - don't forget it. You have a lot of rights here and are just as important as he is.

It's extremely unpopular on MN to suggest that he could be finding being the main breadwinner too stressful

Perhaps it's unpopular, because the sensible, adult way to deal with that is to TALK about it with your dp, not go off and have an affair, or sulk and treat her badly or do any number of utterly childish, brattish things that some men do in response to a bit of stress.

Why do you think making excuses for bad behaviour is unacceptable in a toddler, but perfectly OK for a grown adult? Could it be because that grown adult is a man? Heaven forfend. There's no fucking hope.