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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not know whether DH is leaving us?

238 replies

Mittensandmuffins · 19/02/2018 12:03

A couple of weeks ago everything changed. DH announced out of the blue one Sunday afternoon that he didn't want to upset me but that he didn't think that we'd be together if we didn't have the children. At the time I was upset by it but didn't take it too much to heart as i thought he might just be having a 'dramatic moment'. However, since then it's like he's had a personality transplant - he is very short with me, speaks to me in a nasty way most of the time, looks at me like he hates me and has cut off all affection (hasn't touched me once since). Even last night when we had a massive argument about it, I felt like we had reached rock bottom and was absolutely devastated and couldn't stop crying, he said 'what's wrong now?' and 'what are you crying for now?'

I have loved this man for 15 years and we have two beautiful children. I have no idea what has come over him as he is just so miserable with his life with me.

I'm feeling very vulnerable at the moment as I have been a SAHM for 4 years, looking after the children, one of whom has special needs. If he left I would have no way of supporting myself and the children financially and would have to move 3 hours away to be closer to my family.

I just can't understand his logic - he has stated so many times how much he loves our little family. He has no friends outside of work (well one, that he sees rarely), and does not have a great relationship with his family, so would be totally alone if he left.

Last night I reached rock bottom and said that he was to make his mind up sharpish whether he was leaving. I said he was either in or he was out, but I was not going to put up with him behaving like this and I'm not jumping through hoops to get him to stay.

This morning he was normal and acting like nothing had happened...I just feel totally on edge all of the time. What should I do?

OP posts:

Barbie222 · 22/02/2018 17:04

The comment about them being at school all day, while it was rude, might have come from a place where he feels like he is doing more than you are to provide for the family financially and he resents it. Some men do get resentful if they perceive that their partners have a lot more free time than they do.

missadasmith · 22/02/2018 18:36

The comment about them being at school all day, while it was rude, might have come from a place where he feels like he is doing more than you are to provide for the family financially and he resents

there might be some truth in it. I have a severely disabled child and work all school hours (i.e. I am never alone at home) and I can only imagine how much easier it must be to have time at home without the DC on a daily basis.

Elendon · 22/02/2018 18:38

They are not at school all day though. Since when was 9am to 3pm a full working day?

chocolateiamydrug · 22/02/2018 18:41

it is still 6h of child free me time for the OP 5 x / week!

Teenmum60 · 22/02/2018 18:54

My guess is he probably doesnt feel that you actually live and life just revolves....some people are happy with life just revolving (sounds like you) - others feel that they want more (sounds like your DH)....

Life can be stressful with a SN child too and I;ve seen relationships fall apart because of the stress...also sometimes relationships begin to fall apart if one person wants say another child and the other person doesnt- or one person feels that the balance in the relationship is not equal.

In my relationship with DD's father the balance was not equal - I worked/I did the lions share of the child chores whereas my DD's father also worked but he did what I thought was the nice things like reading bedtime stories etc (whilst I did the washing/clearing up) ...so resentment builds up unless you talk and try and resolve the issues.

I think each parent has a right to have shared care (unless there are issues where the child would be at risk) - you are the "primary carer" by default at the moment whilst your DH is the "primary financial provider" by default there is no reason why you cannot balance this out.

I got slagged off on this post from genderising the role of the mother and the father but by stating you are not prepared to share care you are actually genderising your own role. Please do not try and prevent your DH from having his share of care of the children because I have seen this backfire so many times when say the dad is only allowed to see the child 1 to 2 days but because dad only has the children 1/2 days they have loads of fun ...whereby time with mum 5 days a week becomes boring because she is having to do everything and also set the rules and boundaries - oh so often the children then start to demand to be with dad more and I;ve seen witnessed one occasion where the daughter has demanded that she lives with her dad full time at 10yrs old !

You do need to see a counsellor ...perhaps apart at first and then together to see whether there is a marriage that can be "glued back together with understanding, consideration, love and no resentment or whether you are now at the stage where you need to part because the differences are too great.

Elendon · 22/02/2018 19:22

You drop your child off at 8.50 am and wait. Then you get back at 3.00 to pick them up. I'm factoring in an hour each day travel. I'm being generous with that.

So that's a five hour day working, equating to 25 hours per working week, which doesn't include weekends. I fail to see what careers are available for this in order to sustain a mortgage and a lifestyle.

missadasmith · 22/02/2018 19:25

if the OP would work 25h (or even just 20 or 16), then this would take a lot of pressure away from her DH (he might be even able to slightly reduce his hours). Not everybody who is working (FT or PT) has a career. Many people just have jobs.

Elendon · 22/02/2018 19:31

Would that make her his equal?

Where are these magic jobs that exist in those hours?

Plus who would be left at home minding a sick child.

Take the pressure off her husband? Are you serious?

missadasmith · 22/02/2018 19:44

if you don't look for these jobs, you don't find them. I have a school hour role which took 200 applications. I know it's not easy but not trying just because it might be tough doesn't help.

And sick DC happen to many working families. This is not an excuse not to work.

Being the sole earner is a huge pressure esp if the partner makes zero efforts to find work.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 22/02/2018 19:55

If every parent didn't work in case their child needed a sick day, we'd have no teachers, doctors, nurses etc. It's no excuse not to work. Neither does it just have to be school hours, childcare is widely available.

I'd not be happy to support a spouse to have thirty hours a week to themselves whilst I worked long hours to finance it all. Maybe the husband feels the same given his comments and it sounds like he gets no say in it.

missadasmith · 22/02/2018 20:00

childcare is widely available

not for children with SN (as the OP's).

I have s child with SN and there is nothing. no school club, no childminder who would take her and holiday childcare is a totally different nightmare. Childcare is just not the same for disabled children.

FranticallyPeaceful · 22/02/2018 20:06

Sounds like an affair to me.

Either way you don’t deserve to be spoken to like that. When people enter affairs they try to make you break up with them instead.

Sort out your finances. If you can prove he’s cheating then great but if not don’t worry about it, just note what he’s doing and in the divorce state that you can’t live in an emotionally abusive relationship

Shinesweetfreedom · 23/02/2018 08:46

So op what do you feel is the best way to take this now.

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