To not know whether DH is leaving us?

[Mittensandmuffins]

A couple of weeks ago everything changed. DH announced out of the blue one Sunday afternoon that he didn't want to upset me but that he didn't think that we'd be together if we didn't have the children. At the time I was upset by it but didn't take it too much to heart as i thought he might just be having a 'dramatic moment'. However, since then it's like he's had a personality transplant - he is very short with me, speaks to me in a nasty way most of the time, looks at me like he hates me and has cut off all affection (hasn't touched me once since). Even last night when we had a massive argument about it, I felt like we had reached rock bottom and was absolutely devastated and couldn't stop crying, he said 'what's wrong now?' and 'what are you crying for now?'

I have loved this man for 15 years and we have two beautiful children. I have no idea what has come over him as he is just so miserable with his life with me.

I'm feeling very vulnerable at the moment as I have been a SAHM for 4 years, looking after the children, one of whom has special needs. If he left I would have no way of supporting myself and the children financially and would have to move 3 hours away to be closer to my family.

I just can't understand his logic - he has stated so many times how much he loves our little family. He has no friends outside of work (well one, that he sees rarely), and does not have a great relationship with his family, so would be totally alone if he left.

Last night I reached rock bottom and said that he was to make his mind up sharpish whether he was leaving. I said he was either in or he was out, but I was not going to put up with him behaving like this and I'm not jumping through hoops to get him to stay.

This morning he was normal and acting like nothing had happened...I just feel totally on edge all of the time. What should I do?

Unfortuantly OP it does sound like he's had his head turned at work, although maybe not a full blown affair yet, it sounds like his mind is heading that way or would like to.
Ive been there when a partner suddenly changes and behaves like that, i thought was going mad but sure enough eventually I found out out the truth.

I don't think it's heart he's giving her.

You need to get smart right now. Plenty of time to be sad later.

You deserve better than this, and so do your children. I would be seeing a solicitor so you know exactly where you stand should he walk out.

But don't leave the family home.

It is also possible that he’s had a slow burn of dissatisfaction and has suddenly made a decision. It’s doesn’t have to be an affair.

I'm so sorry you are going through this hell OP. He may think the grass is greener (whether there is an affair or not), but he's the classic kind of fool if he believes that. Time and experience will show him how wrong he is, and if he wants his old life back it will be too late, and his regrets will be fully deserved. You on the other hand deserve much better

Last night I reached rock bottom and said that he was to make his mind up sharpish whether he was leaving. I said he was either in or he was out, but I was not going to put up with him behaving like this and I'm not jumping through hoops to get him to stay.

Well done. Perfect response. Now stick to your guns.

The other question you need to ask yourself is "why would I want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me?"

Yes it is devastating.

Has he gone on facebook recently? Started up a new email account? I bet he and she is not using the works messaging system anymore as it will be getting a bit steamy.

Just be prepared as other pps have said. Find out his national insurance number and all bank statements, mortgage payments, joint credit cards and his wage slips. He will have to provide this anyway to your solicitor.

If a person wants to have an affair they will, my ex managed to fit one in 9-3 as he was a SAHD.

Everyone is right, whatever the reason he had checked out and left you in limbo. You deserve to know what the future might hold so you can make your own plans.

The 50/50 might work out, but it's very hard work! He would need another furnished property, childcare etc etc.
It's not a task a lot of father's take on.

Whatever happens take this time to get everything in order, copies of key paperwork etc.
Also I would start an emergency fund and have an idea what your financial entitlements may be if you were alone.

Best of luck to you

I think you need to talk to him.
Lay it out without threats to him about having an affair, he will say it's no true, and you won't find anything unless he tells you .it#s a waste of your breath.

As said tell him your fine with him having the children half the time, so over a 14 day cycle he gets 1 weekend.

Tell him your looking forward to the planned break to move forward with your life, that this is not what you want but you respect his right to start again, and while you don't intend more children, he could find he is knee deep in nappies in a few years.

Tell him you want your share of everything and since you have the children this may be 60 or 70 % and as you have no income he will have to pay Child Support. You feel this should be done at once and can he sign an agreement.

You would also like him to tell the children this is HIM not you, as you refuse to take the blame.

Over the summer holidays you feel he should take his annual leave in 2 week slots and he can have the children for 7 whole days, at the beginning and the end of the month.. Allowing you to do the same..

Don't back down, make it clear he is not going to walk away and be a single man.

I know of someone who had an affair. They would actually go so far as to take days of annual leave, pretend to be going to the office and come home at normal time. This person apparently had a second mobile phone he kept at work. People who you think you know can get up to all sorts behind your back unfortunately.

flipperflop yes, completely. The only thing i couldn't access was his work messaging system.

What an awful situation OP I think you’ve totally said the right thing, demanding to know what he wants. As another poster said, stick to your guns and stay strong.

It doesn’t sound like it was a healthy relationship though, he has no friends (apart from one) and doesn’t go out, no family nearby. This isn’t good, no one can be happy like that, we all need people outside our romantic relationships, we need friends and other interests. Do you think he’d be up for couples therapy? Then maybe trying to get other interests outside the home, a new hobby etc?

Good luck and stay strong. Xx

If they work together then they may not be using the messaging system, they may just be talking and having lunch together. Dont focus on the how, focus on what youre going to do with what you DO know.

I'm sorry, but I'm another who thinks his abrupt change screams self-justification of why it's ok what he's having an affair.

If he works full-time and you have given up your career to be home with the children he can't just automatically have them 50% and put them in childcare. You need legal advice. If they're young don't be tempted to let him have them every weekend - you'll hate that when they start school.

I think it's more about how rapidly this has come about really, that is making people think 'affair'. Rather than have a blazing row, I would sit down and ask him why he's so angry with you? Try and be calm, factual but vulnerable about how his behaviour is making you feel eg. 'Do you realise you haven't touched me affectionately since...? Something has changed and I'm confused.' The thing with anger (even angry tears) is that he will just feel justified at being angry back. If he can see you're really hurt, he has the option to be totally callous and angry (you will know something is going on as that is not a normal way to react to someone who is hurt), or he will open up and be honest.

I'd be careful of making empty threats. "Say what you mean and mean what you say". Sit down with him again and set a date by which he needs to make up his mind and you make up yours. Set out a plan of what you and the DC will need if he is leaving (home/money/days of custody /plan to co-parent etc)
Make it clear that if he goes, he won't be worming his way back in when he gets bored/whatever faze he is going through has run it's course.

Put him on the schedule for this week so you have time to think. It’s only Monday, give him tomorrow to rearrange his diary and he can do drop off Wednesday and Thursday pick up, after school and dinner duty.

He doesn't sound like he's having an affair to me. He sounds bored. Bored with the humdrum routine of family life. Bored with the pressure of being the sole breadwinner supporting a family. Bored with a relationship that's all focused on the kids and their needs, too. In fact, it all sounds like a bit of a mid life crisis.

I'm not excusing him in saying that he's bored. I don't think you have a choice once you have kids - they are your responsibility to raise, so you're not allowed to be bored by them or the responsibilities that they entail.

But I do think you get a choice about how you raise children, and it doesn't have to be in a 3-bed detached with two cars. There are more rewarding and fulfilling ways of doing it than those that are chosen by many, many people.

However, would i be unreasonable to ask him to show me his works messaging system they use?

• not unreasonable, but totally pointless. He would either refuse or delay then say yes after he's removed all incriminating stuff. This would basically speak for itself of course (refusal or delay) but it wouldn't give you proof. Or, he'd say fine - because they haven't been silly enough to send messages at work and why would they need to? - they probably just go for lunch every day OR he's got a second phone that is kept in his desk...

All that will do is a. alert him and b. give him ammo to call you nuts, paranoid etc.

I agree, sounds like he's bored rather than an affair. Try talking. Book a restaurant, go out for a meal and some drinks. Find out whats getting to him.

He is having an affair... I would think. It is very hard on you.
I hope he tells you the truth soon instead of being horrible.

It is the suddenness that suggests an affair.

If things hadn't been right for ages, and he said this, and you had an inkling, then that suggests a drifting apart.

However, you're describing a bolt out the blue, and it seems in 99% of cases, there is someone else involved.

I'm sorry op. Either way, it's rubbish. You are right to put your foot down and say - you're in or out, I'm not having this half-a-marriage.

@whiskyowl I agree with you.

Either way, I think you need to know. There is nothing worse than existing in limbo.

How old are the children OP ?