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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not know whether DH is leaving us?

238 replies

Mittensandmuffins · 19/02/2018 12:03

A couple of weeks ago everything changed. DH announced out of the blue one Sunday afternoon that he didn't want to upset me but that he didn't think that we'd be together if we didn't have the children. At the time I was upset by it but didn't take it too much to heart as i thought he might just be having a 'dramatic moment'. However, since then it's like he's had a personality transplant - he is very short with me, speaks to me in a nasty way most of the time, looks at me like he hates me and has cut off all affection (hasn't touched me once since). Even last night when we had a massive argument about it, I felt like we had reached rock bottom and was absolutely devastated and couldn't stop crying, he said 'what's wrong now?' and 'what are you crying for now?'

I have loved this man for 15 years and we have two beautiful children. I have no idea what has come over him as he is just so miserable with his life with me.

I'm feeling very vulnerable at the moment as I have been a SAHM for 4 years, looking after the children, one of whom has special needs. If he left I would have no way of supporting myself and the children financially and would have to move 3 hours away to be closer to my family.

I just can't understand his logic - he has stated so many times how much he loves our little family. He has no friends outside of work (well one, that he sees rarely), and does not have a great relationship with his family, so would be totally alone if he left.

Last night I reached rock bottom and said that he was to make his mind up sharpish whether he was leaving. I said he was either in or he was out, but I was not going to put up with him behaving like this and I'm not jumping through hoops to get him to stay.

This morning he was normal and acting like nothing had happened...I just feel totally on edge all of the time. What should I do? Sad

OP posts:
Thebluedog · 19/02/2018 13:59

Haha 50% yeah right, they all say that until they realise they have to sort childcare etc and it will impact work and social life. AND that it means you can now retrain, get a job and a social life whilst he’s looking after the kids.

My ex said this but I didn’t see him for dust when I agreed. He sees them eow.

My money is on an affair and it’s not quite where he needs it to finish it with you, he’s hedging his bets at the mo.

Personally I’d ask him to leave whilst he makes his mind up

MadMags · 19/02/2018 14:01

But I do think you get a choice about how you raise children, and it doesn't have to be in a 3-bed detached with two cars. There are more rewarding and fulfilling ways of doing it than those that are chosen by many, many people.

Like what, whiskey?

I’m sure there are plenty of people who feel rewarded and fulfilled with their 3-bed detached life and not bored at all!

TatianaLarina · 19/02/2018 14:04

Raising children is boring. You can invest in hobbies, take up new interests, change careers if necessary. There’s really no correlation between boredom and suddenly turning against your wife.

Storminateapot · 19/02/2018 14:07

My ex was like this with me when he was having an affair. To justify his own shitty behaviour to himself he had to convince himself I was evil incarnate and he hated everything about me so I deserved it. Utterly bewildering to receive so much loathing from someone you love when you can't figure out why.

I'd say either affair at work or online using a work email address. Affairs don't all happen at night - sneaky lunch hours etc etc.

ravenmum · 19/02/2018 14:08

looks at me like he hates me
I know that look, it was an affair.

I made the mistake of hanging around waiting for proof, or waiting for him to make a decision. I didn't want to leave the man I had known for 20 years. But looking back I shouldn't have waited. I didn't need proof (though I got it), and he wasn't the man I'd known for 20 years.

Whatever the reason, he is not the only one who gets to complain, who gets to criticise or who gets to decide whether your relationship continues.

sadie9 · 19/02/2018 14:09

Something must have changed in either yours or DHs situation to cause a sudden change in attitude.
Has either of your suffered an illness in your immediate family in the past 6 months? Have you yourself been very involved in some sort of project, or any family matter that has taken up a lot of your time? Have you or DH been having a disagreement with a family member in the past couple of months? Do you have a close relationship with a family member who has been having issues and have you been spending a lot of time to that person? Has anything changed for your DH in his work?

FluffyWuffy100 · 19/02/2018 14:16

God it SCREAMS affair at work. Absolutely screams it.

Original poster
Mittensandmuffins · 19/02/2018 14:16

kittens the children are 4 & 5.

Sadie No, nothing has changed.

OP posts:
Unfinishedkitchen · 19/02/2018 14:18

It also sounds to me as if he’s snapped under pressure. I’ve seen this with a couple of guys who originally agreed to be sole breadwinner then appeared to resent it but felt trapped by their original agreement.

Maybe you need to have a big chat about what’s actually going on here. Maybe he’s tried to tell you and you’ve not taken it in as you’re busy with the kids (no blame here just stating that you’ve got a lot on your plate so may have missed comments or signals that something was bubbling up) so he’s snapped. He may not be having an affair, your marriage may be fixable but you may also need to make some changes.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 19/02/2018 14:19

Sorry OP but it really does sound like an affair, emotional or otherwise.

Its a classic red flag of an affair., where someone suddenly turns on their spouse.

VladmirsPoutine · 19/02/2018 14:21

@MadMags Why are you being so obtuse? whisky's point is exactly that. Basically to each their own. The 3-bed semi detached life might suit some, whilst others will be living in an apartment in the city as a single parent working all hours of the day or whatever. Horses for courses, essentially. FFS.

PyongyangKipperbang · 19/02/2018 14:23

Sounds like you are in the "comparison" stage. It's part of The Script.

Where he looks at you and finds you wanting in every way so it justifies (to him) his wanting to be with someone else. However, it may not mean that anything has happened yet, so he wont leave until he has a dead cert to leave for. Its pathetic but true that most cheating men wont leave their marriage until they have OW set up to move in with.

As PP have said, dont leave the decision to him. Ask him to leave, make it clear tha his behaviour has led to this. It may be enough to shake him out of this behaviour (assuming that he isnt actually having an affair yet) and come to his senses. If it doesnt then you will have saved yourself months of pain while he messes about behind your back until OW lets him move in.

OhCalamity · 19/02/2018 14:28

He doesn't want them half the time but is pretending he does to manipulate you and play on your biggest fear. He's threatening you with 50:50 so that you will feel you've "won" when he concedes that you get the kids full time with him having EOW and one midweek night. Then you'll be less inclined to push for your entitled share of the financials, as he'll convince you that you got the kids in the separation so he deserves a bigger slice of the assets.

Go book a solicitor appointment and bring as much information about your financial status as you can. Whether it's an affair or whether he's concussed it makes no difference. At least if nothing else, you'll have a better idea of what you are worth financially in the event of him leaving the marriage and will feel in a stronger position when talking to him.

Best of luck. Flowers

MadMags · 19/02/2018 14:30

Vladimirs calm down, love.

I’m sure whiskey is more than capable of answering a question all by herself. Hmm

Pluckedpencil · 19/02/2018 14:33

Affair or not, you tell him if that is how he feel he needs to find a place to live.

KanyeWesticle · 19/02/2018 14:33

Affair or not, his behaviour towards you now, in the marriage is out of order.

He's in or out, whether or not there's an OW doesn't matter.

KanyeWesticle · 19/02/2018 14:34

Crossed post, plucked pencil. Well said :)

misscockerspaniel · 19/02/2018 14:35

Please make an appointment with a solicitor and find out what your (and his) rights are. Flowers

GretaBritain · 19/02/2018 14:37

Your post has resonated with me so much OP.

Same scenario....the coldness and 'what is the point of us' conversation and my total upset and bewilderment.

Long story short ....it was a work affair. I really hope this is not your situation but please be prepared. The complete shock I got...I I was pushed into an alternate reality of my life that I could hardly process. I did post at the time so the tale is somewhere in my post history.

The advice from others is great but so difficult to do when you can't get your head around the situation. I struggled so much. I was in a panicky fog...best way I can describe it.

If I could advise anything it would be to think of yourself only at this point as if you are single. You can tell yourself it is not for ever if it helps but you need to treat YOURSELF with the kindness and respect you deserve.

I didn't do this, I worried he was having a breakdown, stressed at work, overloaded at home, delayed grief at the death of his Dad. I became the perfect partner to 'help' him with his issue. I agreed he should move out for 'space'. I worried that if I was tough he would leave. He left anyway...to go live with the work affair.

Please, please put yourself first. He will decide himself whether t go or stay no matter what you do ...thats the ultimate truth and a relationship where you have to persuade someone to stay is doomed anyway

Wishing you strength and sending you much love. Xx

ClosDesMouches · 19/02/2018 14:38

Agree with all pp who’ve said affair at work. I used to work with a married guy who shagged a couple of our coworkers in our office when it was quiet at weekends, as well as in his car at lunchtime.
It only came to light when the women accidentally found out about each other.

Not suggesting OP’s DH has multiple OW but so often on MN I read how a spouse can’t possibly be cheating because their whereabouts are always accounted for, but people can and do have the opportunity to cheat during the work day.

DropItLikeASquat · 19/02/2018 14:38

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I can say from personal experience that this does sound like an affair. The way you describe him behaving towards you is pretty 'affair' like but could be due to 'grass is greener' syndrome/boredom.
I personally would ask him to make a decision ASAP so you ca move on with your life and start afresh.
I hope you are able to resolve this and that we are all wrong and he is just having a bad week or something Flowers Flowers

Blackteadrinker77 · 19/02/2018 14:44

Make copies of all your financial paper work. Bank accounts, pensions, mortgage details, stocks/shares any debt details. Move these some where safe, like an external server.

Also get your passports, birth certificates together.
I don't think it matters if he is having an affair or not, he is emotionally checked out of your marriage and you need to start to protect yourself.

Do not leave your home. He will have to provide support.

Inform him that 50/50 is great and that you will use your time to educate yourself and start a career. Call his bluff on it.

Ask him where he plans on renting/living with them and who will be their child care provider?

ClosDesMouches · 19/02/2018 14:45

I also agree that he’s treating you very poorly OP.

Some excellent advice on the thread.

rocketgirl22 · 19/02/2018 14:50

If this was my dh I would be asking him to move out temporarily and we would book counselling. Getting the control back for my life by getting my affairs in order and meeting a solicitor to work out my position. Working out if I, forget about him, wanted to remain in a marriage like this. I could not tolerate the passive aggressive atmosphere.

He either stays and loves you properly or he leaves.

What he is doing now is hedging his bets and being abusive.

Xenophile · 19/02/2018 14:54

No one has linked to the script yet, so here it is.

I'm so sorry this has happened to your life. There is a life after this, once the confusion and pain dies down. Don't take any shit.