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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Referring to yourself as a full-time mum

370 replies

tiredmumm · 19/02/2018 10:07

Hi,

I'm just curious as to other people's opinions but I was watching a programme and a contestant referred to themselves as a full-time mum meaning they are a SAHM. AIBU because this really irritates me, I'm currently on Mat leave but when I return to work I will still class myself as a full-time mum as I don't suddenly not become a mum whilst working.

I've heard it so many times where FTM is referred to as though those who work are not.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
Champagneandthestars · 19/02/2018 11:54

What about when your children are at school - you're not caring for them for a large part of the day but if not working would still describe yourself a a full-time mum. The whole outsourcing thing doesn't wash there. I'd go with a woman who has children but no paid work.

KalaLaka · 19/02/2018 12:00

Is it then purely the paid aspect? So I mean, would you consider education to be outsourced parenting, since the teacher is responsible for nurturing them for most of the week?

Teachers are acting in loco parentis. So yes.

MistressPage · 19/02/2018 12:02

mikeyssister yes that's correct.

Ructation · 19/02/2018 12:03

Who cares what our titles say... At the end of the day we are all on Mumsnet at 11am on a Monday!

Although I like your thinking, it's actually 7am here :-)

KalaLaka · 19/02/2018 12:03

To be offended on either side of this argument is plain ridiculous. It's also rare to be just one or the other for your entire time as a parent: I've done a variety of different combinations of work, pt work, sahm, work from home. I couldn't care less about the term 'full time parent' as it makes sense and I know exactly what it means. It's not loaded with judgment like some seem to think.

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 19/02/2018 12:10

To the PPs who reject 'SAHM' because it implies they never leave the house while actually they are always off 'having adventures' with their dc - why is it OK for you to dislike 'SAHM' on that basis, but not OK for others to dislike 'full-time mum' because it implies those who WOH aren't mums when at work?

I don't 'outsource' parenting. Not all nurture is parenting. Cf. the howls of outrage that would surely arise if anyone suggested to a typical MN mum that their MIL was 'parenting' their child when she was looking after them. The term 'outsource' is problematic here, too, as its businessy ring implies criticism of the nasty career woman who CBA to do the work of raising her own children. (One I hate more, incidentally, is 'farm out' - which is really troublingly problematic, as it comes from the days when unmarried mothers would send their children to live on a farm somewhere and be raised by the farmer's wife - lovely dollop of anti-'career woman' misogyny in there).

SendintheArdwolves · 19/02/2018 12:14

Everyone stop being mean to the "we have adventures" poster. Maybe she and her kids are exploring the Zambezi or thwarting smugglers on Kiran island again. You don't know Grin

Lovesagin · 19/02/2018 12:14

Yanbu op, stupid phrase that makes no sense at all and is just a sly smug dig, even if unintended, towards those of us who work (and are still full time mums)

pinkpanther84 · 19/02/2018 12:14

I completely agree with you OP, I work part time but that doesn't make me a part time mum. I am always a mum. I think the phrase should be SAHM (I know SAHMs go out, it's just the most fitting phrase)

KalaLaka · 19/02/2018 12:15

the howls of outrage that would surely arise if anyone suggested to a typical MN mum that their MIL was 'parenting' their child when she was looking after them.

My parents do parent my DC when they look after them. Takes a village, etc.

Bramble71 · 19/02/2018 12:17

Isn't every mam a full time mam, even if she works, too? I personally think women who call themselves full time mams are just trying to make those who choose/have to work feel inferior

KalaLaka · 19/02/2018 12:18

Why do working parents get so offended by these terms? Do you feel that SAHP really actually judge you? Society?

What the hell do SAHP have to be smug about?! a sly smug dig Hilarious.

Bluntness100 · 19/02/2018 12:20

I don't get why anyone gives a shit what some stranger calls themselves, it's quite clear what she meant. It's not a judgement on others. If it feels right to them or makes them feel good, then they should be able to call themselves what they want without judgement from others.

lostmyfeckingkeysagain · 19/02/2018 12:23

Of course you don't stop being a mum while you're at work. But you are not actively parenting your small child for those hours, you've outsourced that job to someone else

I consider keeping a roof over my child's head and food on the table a pretty important part of parenting actually.

gimmesomeapachepizza · 19/02/2018 12:23

Isn't every mam a full time mam, even if she works, too

Only if you are being stupidly literal. If you say you work full time you don't mean you work 24 hours a day, do you?

I personally think women who call themselves full time mams are just trying to make those who choose/have to work feel inferior
Nope. If you feel inferior thats your own issues. They aren't thinking about you at all. How paranoid and arrogant do you need to be to think so?

KalaLaka · 19/02/2018 12:27

Nope. If you feel inferior thats your own issues. They aren't thinking about you at all.

YES.

SleepingStandingUp · 19/02/2018 12:27

Does anyone who hears someone say SAHP really think that they just stay in the house 24/7. Do you really read it so literally?

Full time mom annoys people so I don't use it but unless they call you a part time parent does it really mean that they spend their days thinking how much better they are than you?

I tend to say I'm home with my son but if someone looked shocked and asked if we never go to groups or oh but I saw you at the park yesterday I'd be a bit Hmm

coffeeforone · 19/02/2018 12:31

YABU for this to irritate you. Full-time mum means she looks after her children full time in terms of childcare. It basically means the same as SAHM.

Those who work don’t call themselves full-time mums when asked what they do, they will say what their occupation is, i.e. what they do most of the working day - they can’t work and provide full time childcare at the same time. They are always going to be the mum, they just don’t do full-time childcare like ‘full time mums/SAHMs’ do.

SendintheArdwolves · 19/02/2018 12:36

Technically full-time work is forty hours a week. So as long as you are looking after your kids mornings, evenings and weekends, you can claim full time status as a parent AND as an employee.

OR....

We could admit that society puts women in a classic double-bind re. working and looking after children. There is literally no way to "get it right" and avoid judgement - and the worst thing is, it is OTHER WOMEN who most rigidly enforce this in-fighting.

All this defensiveness about our individual choices:

"I don't stop being a parent for eight hours a day while I'm at work" - well, you stop actively parenting - if you are still just as much a parent while you're at work, then presumably it would make no difference to your productivity if your children were in the office with you, but THAT'S OK YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE TOTALLY CONSUMED WITH YOUR KIDS 24 HOURS A DAY

"I consider looking after my children to be the most important job in the world so I don't like the implication that I don't work" - looking after children (that you chose to have) is a responsibility not a job, and most of the time it consists of the simple grinding routine of just being there and wiping things. Yeah, yeah you encourage them to participate in the world and stick leaves into their scrapbook but most of the time it's wiping things. BUT THAT'S OK YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE SOLVING WORLD HUNGER TO BE WORTH SOMETHING AS A PERSON.

KatharinaRosalie · 19/02/2018 12:37

Why do working parents get so offended by these terms? Do you feel that SAHP really actually judge you? Society?

Well yes. As a working parent, I have heard many comments how it's so sad that I'm missing out on precious moments and oh those poor children, outsourced. I think it's quite fair to say many people judge my choice not to be a SAHM.

Not DH's, mind. He's fabulous no matter what he does.

KERALA1 · 19/02/2018 12:39

Surely the options are stay at home loser, setting a bad example to your children and wasting your education or heartless career bitch dumping your children in childcare to further your own ends.

Take your pick op because in our society you get to be one or the other!

We need to support other women there are enough people out to screw mothers down as it is - look at this todays news...

www.theguardian.com/world/2018/feb/19/uk-bosses-believe-women-should-say-at-interview-if-they-are-pregnant-report

SleepingStandingUp · 19/02/2018 12:39

Steeley113 except you're wrong. Unemployed isn't the opposite to employed. It means not working but available to do so.

I'm not available to work as I have a nearly 3 yo to care for.
An 88 year old woman isn't unemployed, she's retired.
My 19 yo nephew isn't unemployed, he's a student.
Someone with complex medical needs who cannot physically work isn't unemployed, they're in disability / signed off / etc

PEARSON93 · 19/02/2018 12:40

Nothing wrong about being a SAHM but I hate the "full time mummy" thing under occupation. I see it on Facebook a lot. Just because I go to work, doesn't mean I'm not a full time mum. I'm dull DDs Mum when I'm there.

1ndig0 · 19/02/2018 12:41

Oh fgs, not this again. When someone says they are a full-time mum, it's obvious what they mean.

They are simply saying that they are doing active, direct, face-to-face parenting full-time as opposed to a day /paid job. It's not casting aspersions on anyone who goes to work. If people interpret it in that way, it says more about their own insecurities.

Who cares?

BeyondThePage · 19/02/2018 12:42

or how about "Not in gainful employment" - the official cover-all.

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