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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Referring to yourself as a full-time mum

370 replies

tiredmumm · 19/02/2018 10:07

Hi,

I'm just curious as to other people's opinions but I was watching a programme and a contestant referred to themselves as a full-time mum meaning they are a SAHM. AIBU because this really irritates me, I'm currently on Mat leave but when I return to work I will still class myself as a full-time mum as I don't suddenly not become a mum whilst working.

I've heard it so many times where FTM is referred to as though those who work are not.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
shrunkenhead · 20/02/2018 17:25

I think the issue is that many working mothers assume sahms do so because their partner earns so much that they can enjoy the luxury of being a sahm... In reality if the cost of childcare means it's pointless returning to work as they'd be at a loss or only just earning a fraction more then obviously it would make sense to leave work.
On the other hand sahms seem to assume that working mothers are earning mega bucks so it's a no brainer that they'd go back to work.
Jealousy, guilt and assumptions on both sides mean this "debate" will go on forever (on mumsnet anyway!)

gimmesomeapachepizza · 20/02/2018 17:26

I don't think we're nearly so stupid as to assume such silly things, but thanks.

alpineibex · 20/02/2018 17:26

Of course Cobra. Once children are school-age, you are still a mother all the time, but not fulfilling the mothering responsibility full-time, as they are sent to school to be taught and some of the parenting of the child falls to them, e.g. discipline, instilling values etc

UndomesticHousewife · 20/02/2018 17:27

No one is judging workings mums by saying they are a full time mum they just don’t know what else to call themselves.
I’ve been a working full time out of the home Mum, a sahm and now I work from home and I have to say that when I was a sahm I didn’t know what to call myself so used full time mum because there didn’t seem to be another better term except housewife and I wasn’t using that.

I wasn’t unemployed because I chose to not work and wasn’t looking for a job.

Homemaker is as rubbish a term as housewife.

BubbleAndSquark · 20/02/2018 17:34

If they are parenting all the time that the child is not in school then I would class it as full time.

I wasn't a full time mum with DD1 whilst working, as she was in childcare for 2 days a week. Currently I am a full time mum to a toddler and a baby, but would class myself as a full time mum to my school aged DD too as I am doing all the parenting when she is not at school.

However when I go back to work I won't be as DD will be in childcare or needing others to pick her up after school and during holidays.
If someone worked a couple of hours within school time they would be doing full time parenting and also working part time. Though that would be unusual to find a job which meant you are always available to parent outside of school hours..

Thisseatistaken · 20/02/2018 17:39

I’m going to just call myself a retired Doctor from now on. Can’t seem to go back because of revalidation etc, and saying SAHM just seems to wind people up.
Bit more prestigious too 😃

CobraKai · 20/02/2018 17:44

alpineibex - I think that's one reason why it's such a contentious phrase. Because as can be seen from this thread, it can be quite objective and terms are often used with implied (or not implied) meaning when a lot of other people wouldn't agree at all.

I know a woman who refers to herself as a 'full time Mum' and her children are in their teens and rarely in the house as they're at school or at activities or with friends but the Mum uses the term as she doesn' t have a job and hasn't had a career for almost 20 years and does nothing else. So as far as she's concerned, that's what she does - she's a full time Mum.

gimmesomeapachepizza · 20/02/2018 17:45

If someone worked a couple of hours within school time they would be doing full time parenting and also working part time

No they wouldn't. You can't parent without children being around!

Dipitydoda · 20/02/2018 17:52

So on the basis that people think “outsourcing” looking after your child means you are not a full time mum, what do SAHM like to call themselves when their kids are in school and they are not out “having adventures” (just threw up a little in my mouth a little between crying tears of laughter at that)

gimmesomeapachepizza · 20/02/2018 17:55

(just threw up a little in my mouth a little between crying tears of laughter at that)

Could you be any more mumsnet cliche? The exaggerating, the sneering, the judgement, the twee buzz phrase...bravo! you are an mn bot!

HotCrossBunFight · 20/02/2018 18:04

(just threw up a little in my mouth a little between crying tears of laughter at that)

You ought to get that reflux looked into, can give you nasty breath and cause no end of other problems.

1ndig0 · 20/02/2018 18:53

My DH is a dad (by definition of the fact he has DC), but he's not a full-time dad because that would imply he was at home with the DC day-to-day. If he said, "I'm a full-time dad," that is what people would presume.

"Mothering" or "gathering" is something more than "childcare" obviously, otherwise why have our kids at home at all?

1ndig0 · 20/02/2018 18:54

"Fathering" sorry!

Damnthatonestaken · 20/02/2018 21:04

mum is my role. Its my identity and doesn't leave me so its full time. I also work. If you get worked uo over that then YOU are paranoid. Its obvious whose a troll on here

Whitecup · 20/02/2018 21:07

I’d love to see how many men get irate about not being called a full time dad. Hmm

Damnthatonestaken · 20/02/2018 21:12

Dictionary definition of a mother is the female parent of a child.parent is one who cares for a child. When im at work i earn money that cares for my children. Thats parenting. If this bothers you, look in the mirror at why instead of name calling meWink

Thisseatistaken · 23/02/2018 20:43

it would be really interesting to know the children’s (whatever age) view on what’s best. Mum at home (available to them) all the time/ part-time/ or restricted by working hours.

These threads are always from the mums perspective, never from the children’s

SweetMoon · 24/02/2018 08:54

thisseatistaken this thread isn't about whether sahm, mums working full or part time is best. It's about the term full time mum being used by sahm instead of the term sahm.

I think all kids would like mum to be available to them whenever they like! but at the same time all kids would like to have a roof over their heads, food on the table and clothes to wear aswell as mum being available to them 24/7. Often the 2 don't go hand in hand especially for single parents.

Damnthatonestaken · 03/03/2018 23:08

Well you would need to wait until they were adults to have that discussion wouldn't you. My dd would like ice cream for every meal. Doesnt mean thats 'best' for her. Besides being at home doesn't mean that the mum is always available to the kid. Other dc, housework, gym, or just plonking them in front of the telly. Research shows all mums spend more time with their dc now than was done in the 70s in fact.

Damnthatonestaken · 04/03/2018 10:12

Also lets ask those whose parents weren't employed if they wish their parents had worked. Lets be fair on all sides eh? My parents were ill and couldn't work. I can assure you that it was no bed of roses growing up poor

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