Referring to yourself as a full-time mum

[tiredmumm]

Hi,

I'm just curious as to other people's opinions but I was watching a programme and a contestant referred to themselves as a full-time mum meaning they are a SAHM. AIBU because this really irritates me, I'm currently on Mat leave but when I return to work I will still class myself as a full-time mum as I don't suddenly not become a mum whilst working.

I've heard it so many times where FTM is referred to as though those who work are not.

Thoughts?

I never claimed it did, just that women shouldn't reject the option purely to even up statistics.

Indirectly doesn't pay the bills

It “pays” childcare fees quite nicely.

It's not about evening out statistics, it's about equality and independence.

I don't think anyone really cares about the choices other families make in their own best interests. It's the implication that is sometimes made that the SAHM is doing more than a Mum who WOTH.

There was a similar thread to this last week (there always are!) with someone listing all she did in a day staying at home 'without a break' and somehow thinking that a WOTH Mum wasn't doing exactly the same in the evenings/weekends/holidays.

It's the idea that not only are they doing more as a Mum but that what they do is also 'work' in the same way as someone WOTH.

Just because 1 parent doesn't work it doesn't imply a lack of independence or equality in the marriage.

But it does. You are dependent on your partner.

Anyone who gives birth to a child is a mother.

Anyone who goes to work isn't a full time mum.....they simply are on call whilst at work should their children need them.

I am not unemployed, I chose to be at home with my child because his DF didn't want to be!

As other PP's have said, putting your child with a childminder or nursery & going to work is effectively outsourcing parenting.

At the end of the day though, we are all parents just the same. What someone else does shouldn't even remotely bother you.

MCSpammer ** I didn't go back to work after mat leave.

When I get asked "what do you do"

I say "I'm an admin assistant but on mat leave".

And a SAHM's partner is dependent on her.

@HotCrossBun, but you are financially dependent on your partner.

Why does one partner stay at home and one work full time? Why is that healthy/beneficial for either person? One never sees their kids and one has no career. Great. Why are we not encouraging both partners going part-time equally and building an equal bond with their kids, while maintaining a career? Seems a good option to me.

I completely agree with OP.. I find the whole concept of calling yourself a full time mum absolutely ridiculous, so mums that work are part time? What happens when the kids are at school and you are at home? It doesn't make sense. No, you are a stay at home mum, I aim to go back to work after maternity but if I choose not to I will not refer to myself as a full time mum, it just sounds silly to me.

Just because 1 parent doesn't work it doesn't imply a lack of independence or equality in the marriage.

Not necessarily, no (although a situation in which one partner is totally dependent upon the other financially does unfortunately sometimes lend itself to abuse, as a number of mn threads will testify).

But if, in society generally, it is usually the woman, and that woman is disadvantaged because of it (in terms of future earning capacity, rights to state pension or whatever) that does suggest that on a societal level inequality still exists. It can't all be down to a biological urge that women innately possess to stay home and raise the kids. Often it makes sense because in the relationship they earn less. Because women are paid less. Because we don't have equality.

In an ideal situation both parents bring part time would be great but if one earns £100k and one £20k then it isn't always feasible.

My husband loves his career, mine I could give or take. If one of us was to stop working it would be sensible for it to be me as I'd feel I was sacrificing less.

Being dependent on one another is part of being a family and not something to be ashamed of.

@LittleLionMansMummy, that's another problem.

Our society financially awards "moneymaking" aggressive careers which lend themselves more to testosterone - hedge fund managers, business owners, etc. It praises ruthlessness and, well, "masculine" traits.

Whether it's society or some "biological characteristics", women have less of these traits and go for less of these jobs. On average they choose more caring/ethical professions as they (on average) have more empathy and put more value on work being "important to society" - sadly our capitalist society doesn't reward nurses and social workers as much as stockbrokers.

In fact our society doesn't reward any public service jobs as much as private sector ones. Sad that "value to society" doesn't correlate with actual earnings.

I agree to a large extent Yolo and find the nature/ nurture debate fascinating. I wasn't being deliberately obtuse earlier.

I intended to read 'Nice girls don't get the corner office' but I feel a bit dirty considering it that women have to become more aggressive in order to fit in and be taken seriously professionally.

The more inequality I see around me, the further entrenched I become. Women are free to make whatever choices they want, I make no judgement of those choices, but I do have an issue when they don't accept that many are, at least partly, making those choices out of necessity due to social constructs.

Anyway, I've probably banged on about this enough now. I hadn't actually considered myself a feminist until very recently!

I think stay at home is misleading. I don’t stay at home! I do look after my children full time.

I think you are reading more into this than needed. You are still a full mum, but you aren’t a full time mum if you’re at work. Someone else is looking after your children.

I don't think it's always a result of patriarchal inequality.

There are numerous threads on MN with equal earners (or slightly more or less) with the woman planning to go back to work and then changing her mind or working but wanting to reduce hours or give up work because she 'wants to be at home when they're little' or 'I only see DC for a couple of hours in the evening and weekends are busy or 'family time'.

Absolutely fine. But alot of responses tend to be along the lines of 'of course you do, they're little for such a short time' ' your DP needs to sacrifice luxuries and do more when he comes home to facilitate you staying home/working less hours' because it's what's best for the family.

Which would rarely be suggested for a male wanting to do that. So a lot of people, many Mothers included DO think there is more of a 'biolgical urge' for them to want to stay home with the children.

Anyone who goes to work isn't a full time mum.....they simply are on call whilst at work should their children need them.

So when your kids go to school do you become a part time mum?

Exactly Trinity. Are their partners ever referred to as 'part time Dads?'. No.

As a PP said, I have a professional status (e.g Dr, solicitor, Vicar). I work full time in that profession but I don't cease to be a Dr if I'm not with patients do I? I'm not a part-time Dr because someone else looks after patients when I'm not there.

The cases of women equal-earners planning a year mat leave but then getting to the end of and realising they can't leave little Bubba/aren't ready to go back to work - is partly (or largely, who knows) because they've had a whole year to bond with them and are much more attached, whereas poor dad's only had 2 weeks. And it's less socially acceptable for dads to quit working.

Yes you do become a part-time mum in the sense of the verb (i.e. doing the direct interaction) once the DC are at school because you are no linger with them all day. This is obvious.,

If we use the word "mum" as a noun, then of course you remain the mum. There is no other mum is there? You are the still mum if you don't see your DC for years on end.

So now all my DC are at school I'm no longer a full-time mum. I am not watching them minute-to-minute - I trust the teachers to do this in my absence.

It’s not a patriarchal society that’s the problem. It’s women not being able to leave bitching to and about each other alone.
I am a SAHM, two of my kids have additional needs, but somehow I am not doing enough on mumsnet and in real life, as far as other people are concerned.

Except my DH. He’s happy to have me at home - looking after the kids, attending numerous Hospital appointments etc. Makes our life easier. We don’t have to stress about who’s taking time off work.

But yes, all that seems to matter to some people is comparing themselves to others, and getting angry at anonymous people on the internet. And in real life, people who should know better or could even help with emotional support - passing comment about ‘when are you going back to work?’ Because clearly that’s all that matters.

1ndig0 - so I'm not a Dr if I'm not at work 24/7?