Referring to yourself as a full-time mum

[tiredmumm]

Hi,

I'm just curious as to other people's opinions but I was watching a programme and a contestant referred to themselves as a full-time mum meaning they are a SAHM. AIBU because this really irritates me, I'm currently on Mat leave but when I return to work I will still class myself as a full-time mum as I don't suddenly not become a mum whilst working.

I've heard it so many times where FTM is referred to as though those who work are not.

Thoughts?

@LittleLionsManMummy, that's just daft.

Obviously every human characteristic like IQ, empathy, extrovertedness and that "nurturing urge" Laurie mentions isn't a flat quantity per gender, it's a normal distribution with a given mean and deviation per gender. So it's different for everyone, some will have loads and some none but on average it'll be clustered around a given value.

Clearly the distribution of "nurturing urge" must be ON AVERAGE higher in women than men, seeing as they're so conflicted about going back to work. Makes sense as women do a lot more bonding with baby after birth.

Well OP you were watching a game show where a woman was forc3d to define herself. Even working ft i wouldnt want to do that on the game show parametres.

As a FT WOHM, I find the term full time mum a bit silly, but I don’t take offence. When I’m at work, I may not be doing the basic caring duties, but I am earning the money that keeps a roof over the kids’ heads and food in the fridge and that’s surely a part of parenting/mothering. If I wasn’t working I’d probably just say that I wasn’t working or that I was taking a career break. It’s an odd thing to define yourself by your parenting status. Although when I think about it, it’s an odd thing to have to define yourself by your job. I love my job, but I’m sure it’s of very limited interest to anyone else (unlike DH who has a job everyone is fascinated by ).

I think its silly to take offence over something so minor.

I didn't realise I had the option of going part time.

Who do i talk to about change of terms and conditions?

Clearly the distribution of "nurturing urge" must be ON AVERAGE higher in women than men, seeing as they're so conflicted about going back to work. Makes sense as women do a lot more bonding with baby after birth.

Or they could just be the product of a society that since the dawn of time has been geared towards enabling women to be the 'nurturers' - occupational paternity pay is mostly still paltry in comparison to occupational maternity pay, for example. So of course women do the initial bonding after birth and then feel guilty going back to work, having built a strong relationship with their baby.

Seriously “I’m out having adventures” not staying at home!! OMFG! What garbage! Is your adventure going to Sainsbury’s per chance?

When I am at work I am not performing mothering duties therefore I do not consider myself to be a full time mum.

You don't have a job though. Unless you're one of those who thinks parenting your own children is a job.

And to the out and about having adventures poster - .

The problem is that mothers are forced to justify their decision. Often its not even an empowered decision. They're backed in to a corner for various reasons and then have to put up with game show viewers and the media and the govt and keyboard warriors all judging them.

I agree. The term grinds my gears. Myself and husband are both full time parents, despite/as well as going out to work.

mistress wins the most obnoxious response of the thread for me though....So helpful for her to clarify that stay at home parents aren’t physically leaving the home ever, so that couldn’t be her!

most obnoxious response of the thread

Surely that goes to the poster(s) describing SAHMs as “unemployed”

Gimmeesomepizza jealous are we? Im most definitely a full time mum as much as any other

@LittleLionMansMummy, so are you saying that 1000s of years ago, the mums staying at home looking after kids was 0% their own choice and 100% forced upon them by the patriarchy?

I agree paternity pay is shit and men are not really encouraged to bond with the baby. But seeing as (back in the day) all women had to breastfeed, that contributes a lot to bonding with the baby. Breastfeeding tends to do that. The answer is a 50/50 bottlefeeding split between mum and dad, but of course the breast-is-best brigade would be up in arms about that.

Gimmeesomepizza jealous are we? Im most definitely a full time mum as much as any other

Of what exactly? Your lack of English skills?

FTM is widely understood to mean parent of small children not working outside the home. We ALL know what it means. Using it completely inappropriately because of your own weird insecurities just makes you look foolish.

If you're a full time mother then so is my 98 year old nan.

I don’t consider myself a full time mother as my children are all at school or university. Obviously I am still a mother but I am not being a mother or doing any sort of parenting.

Or they could just be the product of a society that since the dawn of time has been geared towards enabling women to be the 'nurturers'

That's exactly what I'm taking issue with. The popular position nowadays is that gender roles are all socially constructed. I'm arguing that we should not discount basic biology here at least consider that women might simply have a stronger nurturing urge (and therefore desire to stay at home/take a lead role in caring for their babies) than men.

Using it completely inappropriately because of your own weird insecurities just makes you look foolish.

This is nonsense. There is a clear difference between being a mother and being a full time carer for your children which the phrase 'full time mum' doesn't accurately reflect. It's perfectly understandable that it gets working mother's backs up.

No, im saying the world and its people have evolved in just about every way possible. Time tends to do that.

I'm not talking about patriarchy forcing it on anyone either. I am saying that it creates the conditions in which there remains both overt and covert expectation that the women will nurture, thus making it very difficult for women to choose a different path.

Taking your example of breastfeeding: If biological urge is still so strong, then why is something that was once so natural - such as breastfeeding - in such a very small minority these days?

Sorry, that was in response to Yolo.

Doesn’t bother me. Just because I am at work doesn’t mean I am not a full time Mum.

On the other hand snide comments made by some people about “paying people to bring my kids up” really boil my piss.

It's not nonsense and its not perfectly understandable.

We all know what it means. You know, I know, the sodding cat know. But on these threads people always start whining about how it doesn't really mean what we all know it means, and how its not fair to them what other people call themselves and how mean it is....ffs women, grow the fuck up!
So someone else calls themselves a full time mother? So what? My children are not with me right now, someone else is looking after them. Obviously I am still their mother, that is so self evident we don't need threads full of people wittering on about it, but I am not doing the active mothering work right now. I can call myself whatever I want, so can anyone else.

What label someone else chooses for themself is not about you. You have to be the most paranoid and narcissistic person to imagine it is. Take your insecurities elsewhere and stop throwing them at other women to deal with.

What label someone else chooses for themself is not about you. You have to be the most paranoid and narcissistic person to imagine it is. Take your insecurities elsewhere and stop throwing them at other women to deal with.

No, I don't accept this at all. Language matters a great deal. See also the backlash on this thread against calling SAHMs 'unemployed'.

Thing is most people can come up with comments to pis off the other "side" - i'm lazy, I'm setting a bad example to my kids, I'm teaching my son that women are there to servr, I'm teaching my (imaginary) daughter that she shouldn't bother being anything but a mom, i'm letting the side down, i'm doing a disservice tip entering who fought for equality, children in nursery are more sociable, secure, intelligent, so better in life etc.
Maybe if we stopped insisting on sides we could actually support peoples choices instead of judging them

No, I don't accept this at all. Language matters a great deal. See also the backlash on this thread against calling SAHMs 'unemployed'

It does matter, but its not ALL ABOUT YOU.

sahms are not unemployed, that is simply wrong usage. But theres no need for the paranoid ramblings about how other peoples labels exist simply to attack you.