Can *everything* be fit into the 6am-6pm working day?

[Whiskaspie]

And I mean everything bar putting dishwasher on after dinner and putting kids to bed. All house/food/bills/kids/garden/planning etc etc...if one were a sahp.

Yes but I find it soul destroying so don't tend to do it I watch shit tv all day instead

mo I like your style don't you ever get bitchy no help comments from dp though?

Seems like what you are asking is. Is it possible for one person with primary children run a household, if that person is not in paid employment.

To which the answer is obviously yes as that is what millions of lone parents do, frequently with paid employment as well.

However, it seems that the nub of the issue is that should one party in a couple do everything to do with the family.

You need to talk to your husband about what you want, whether that is emotional support, practical stuff or simply to feel appreciated so having a date night etc

It depends on the age of the children, whether they’re in school 9-3 etc. I have two under 3, and there’s no way I’d get all the cleaning done, bills paid etc during the ‘working day’.
I make phone calls (eg bank) on the rare occasions the 2 year old has a nap; things like cleaning and batch cooking, bill paying, mostly get done at weekends or once they’ve gone to bed.
Oh, and my ‘work day’ is 5.30am until I go to bed as the baby doesn’t sleep at 7pm and DH doesn’t get home until at least 7.30pm

@whiskaspie I do; 6, 8 and 10 (with associated taxi duties two evenings a week which definitely fall outwith the 6pm cutoff.)
I’m terrible though and expect them to do age appropriate chores. A friend once said I was mean but I see it as helping to shape them into functioning adults.

It hasn’t always been this way though, it took several years post children to get to this point as my partner did at first assume I’d do absolutely everything as I was home all day.
I sorted that by going away for work at weekends for a year or so when they were all under six

I kinda feel that yes you should be able to. Kids are at school 5 days a week, I really don’t see that even if you need the whole day for this mystical banking thingy, you still have 4 to tidy/clean the house. I do reckon garden should be a shared torture, but I’d assume if working Mon-Fri full time that I’d come home to a tidy(ish) but clean house- and I’d probably (hope) that dinner was prepared. I’d be happy to jump in with bath and story time, but wouldn’t expect to work all day whilst my partner was home alone with no kids and then have to start to do house things as soon as I got home. I would probably ask my partner to go and get a job, at least 20 hours p/w, and we could then hire someone to clean the house once a week, and other wise share the responsibility.

And weekend chores should be firmly split 50/50- both have to be involved.

To which the answer is obviously yes as that is what millions of lone parents do, frequently with paid employment as well

Yes, you're absolutely right. My hat goes off to them, and they thoroughly deserve the break they (possibly) get when DC see the nrp. And when dh works away, as well as their being less mess, I know it's all down to me so crack on. I'm not as content to do the same when he's at home though, as I feel resentment that I'm expected to do it all.

I think I'm going to step back from the thread for a bit, as I don't feel the actual issue is coming through. Some ppl seem to understand what I'm on about, but most seem to think it's about either day to day stuff, or just running the household, which is frustrating.
Thx for the input.

Op, if you are still reading!
have a google for the mental load (I think that is what it is called)
or for the blog where the bloke says - she left me because I didn't wash up my mug.
Hopefully someone may link to them for you.

Both explain very well about the mental load of being in charge.

Practically of course you can do it, as pp said, lone parents do, and parents both working full time manage to fit it all in.

That isn't your problem though is it? The problem is the lack of shared responsibility. The expectation and the disengagement of your dh. Never mind the fact that he doesn't even clear up after himself.

I get it, and yes you are right, he isn't being a partner or a parent.

I have two primary age children, I'd say most things get done before 6pm but when we have after school clubs, then things will have to be left for when we get home, cooking dinner. I'll often iron uniform, put a wash on, do packed lunches after everyones had dinner. Homework/music practise is quite often done after 6pm. Sometimes we eat dinner later than 6pm as dh comes in late and we'll all eat together. As long as everyone is to bed on time, its fine. I rarely sit down and start watching tv from 6pm with everyone having been fed and all chores completed.

Honestly, I do get it. It took a lot of work and time to get my partner to accept that when he was home, half the work was his (and how that is divided up that works differently for everyone - certain chores or whatever.)

The thing is, nothing will change unless you make it clear that it absolutely has to. It’s shit, and I’m sorry you’re in this position but ultimately you have to decide if it’s tolerable or whether the upheaval of change ie your partner stepping up and doing his share is worth it.

OP your husband treats you like a skivvy. It doesn't matter how other people run their days or if they have quadruplets and an immaculate house. Your husband treats you poorly. No able bodied adult is incapable of wiping their own skids off a toilet pan or putting their clothes in a washing basket. He is acting like his contribution of the money elevates him to Lord and Master and denotes you to maid. For what it's worth I was married to someone who took me for granted (but not to this extent) and when we separated my life became inifinitly easier. And I had literally no family support in the same country. So it was all on me, but without the additional adult who wasn't pulling their weight. (NB we both worked but I did fewer days in a better paying role so income approx equal)

Nope. No Mary Poppins here!

That isn't your problem though is it? The problem is the lack of shared responsibility. The expectation and the disengagement of your dh. Never mind the fact that he doesn't even clear up after himself.

Yeah, I think that sums it up. That kind of attitude can get very, very wearing.

And while it's certainly true that single parents often have even more to deal with, they at least don't have to put up with the disrespect of a grown adult who can't be fucked cleaning up after himself and adds to the domestic burden rather than assisting with it, of another adult's skidders.

😂 oh goodness, no!!

I have a 3 month old and just get enough done through the week to see us safely and cleanly into the weekend where I have tremendous plans to spring clean and start fresh...and then spending time with DP and baby seems more appealing.

I'm still up pottering around around 9pm at night. (I like things in a certain order before bed)

OP I understand you. My dp can be a bit of a dick sometimes with the ‘I’ve been at work all day’ but he freely admits he’s just being a dick when I call him on it. I don’t expect him to do actual housework or cleaning, just to pick up after himself and not leave mess for me to deal with. He also does the diy and most of the finances too.

Emptying the bath is not a job no, when I bath dd I just do it automatically and without it being a big deal. But if I walked into the bathroom after dp had bathed her and there was cold water left in the bath, toys to be squirted our, dirty clothes left on the floor, a nappy needing to be put in the bin etc then it would piss me off and feel like a chore.

Similarly loading the dishwasher and washing up, wiping the table down etc after dinner is no big deal but if everyone else just pushed their chairs out and walked off once the meal was finished I would get annoyed. It’s not a big ask for them to bring their plates to the dishwasher and tuck their chairs in on the way from leaving the table but it makes a huge difference to me not feeling like a skivvy.

I think sometimes people underestimate how the little bits of picking up after someone else can add up and how much they can wear you down.

Emptying the bath is a great example. I absolutely lost my shit at dp after talking about this a few times and he still didn’t bother hanging up the towels, emptying the bath putting the toys away and putting the clothes in the wash or folded on the chair. If you’re not doing that you are not actually bathing the children on your own, which is pathetic.

Seriously? My day starts at 5 am and ends at midnight every day of the working week and I know this is how most of my friends live as well. That includes work, commute, household, shopping, homework help and chatting to the kids for a while.

When kids was preschool yes, showers d bed by 6pm, I would let my feet up by 7pm. Now oh god help me, they are 6 and 5 and one of them are not home until 7pm from rainbows, I am not a SAHM anymore, but even on my day off they don't go to bed by 6pm.

I highly doubt you're doing the garden everyday or the shopping and how messy is the house each day really? How often do you have to pay bills do you have a bill to pay every day? And more than one each day. Lone parent to one child working 9-5 studying flexi from 9-11 and i manage to keep the place clean tidy and a dog thats well exercised?

I do most of this between 7:30 am and 7:30 pm plus a few volunteering responsibilities. But I’m a sahp and my kids are at school from 9-3.

I would say no. Maybe depends how old your children are, I have a 4 year old & 10 month old & most of my tidying happens once husband is home. If I was a sahm & kids were at school it would be more possible but I still think I’d need to do something after 6pm- eg tidy up from tea.

Perfectly possible if you don't waste time posting inane threads on Mumsnet.

No chance in my house! To be fair I have a crumbling old cottage requiring ongoing decorating and maintenance (all done by us) and a massive garden (ditto) but I am busy pretty much all day every day, and the non urgent stuff just never happens! (Our wedding photos from years ago are still waiting to be put into the album !) I have a couple of part time jobs which I mostly do from home, and I do my DH's books for his employment, self employment and property rentals. Prob 12/15 hours a week. I do most of the DC stuff and school runs and evening clubs etc, all housework, and all meals except some breakfasts and one night a week when I work (so DH does those, otherwise he's busy working). I'm not a morning person so don't start until 7.45 unless I have to, but some nights can be working until midnight and beyond. Never finished before at least 9ish every night (making sandwiches, emptying dishwasher, cleaning kids shoes, ironing, paperwork......).

Before DCs I worked full time in a demanding job with a long commute and very long hours - but had so much more free time! Maybe partly because I had to be more disciplined with my time (up at 6 to catch train, supermarket shopping on way home) but no-one tells you how much time you'll spend on reading with your kids, doing homework, setting up and then clearing up paints/clay/crafts etc, and all the 'non-productive' (but lovely...) hours you will spend just wasting time once the DCs come along. Mine are now 9 (DTs).

So no - once the DCs arrive, you will never have time to yourself even as a SAHP! I'm lucky that mine have always slept through the night with no problems there, but even so - 6 to 6? No chance! But if you choose to SAH, enjoy it! They're a 24/7 job but the best one you'll ever have, and scarily - it will be finished in 20 years! Make the most of it all........

steppemum yes, still reading, although I'd intended not posting! I do feel a bit better that some ppl actually get where I'm coming from, with the mental load and responsibility! Thank you!

thenewkaren are you my dh? That's the kind of thing he'd say, neglecting to mention the homework help is listening to one DC read once a week for 5 mins, shopping is picking up a few bits now and then (usually while with the family anyway), chat with the kids actually doesn't take long, and you're sat on your arse on the computer/phone/kindle for most of the time from dinner till 12. What does your dp do, if you have one? Everything else?

sausagedogs I have made it clear, a number of times. He'll make an effort for a bit, then go back. It's v wearing, but I think it's his underlying attitude that's wearing me down most. We'll argue about it, he'll say he does appreciate things I do, will make more effort, but then what he really thinks comes out later down the line:

• he came back from some months working away in a job he enjoys, socializing most evenings and weekends, doesn't have to do laundry /make own meals etc, while I've been at home as usual with DC. Also following up a few issues he emailed while away. On return, I asked him to think about some things for us/family to do on weekends. Got accused of just wanting him to provide entertainment now he was back. I get how he might want to relax at home, but he hadn't had to think about it for months!
• when I work I do full time hours, 7 days a week, but fitted around the DC. Still doing one or more laundry load a day just for me/dc/towels/bedding, I asked him to do his own clothes. Got arsey and asked when was he supposed to do that, as he was out all day at work? Erm, evenings and weekends like loads of other ppl manage, and I'd done for years while working with DC while he was away.
• The book covering example mentioned previously. I should do everything, if I can't fit it into the hours he works/commutes, it's my responsibility because of poor time management.

I highly doubt you're doing the garden everyday or the shopping and how messy is the house each day really?
Why do some posters have to doubt the situation? buttons I am in the garden everyday because the plants I'm slowly putting in need watering everyday until established. It's hot here, it takes at least half an hour everyday after dinner. I say 'slowly' because the ground is hard packed clay with a few cm of topsoil, so I'm having to dig through what feels like concrete and add soil as I plant. We're in a new place with unexpected bills, which I'm changing to DD if possible as they arrive. I'm as organised as possible with a weekly food shop, but can't always anticipate what we'll run out of. A DC friend is round once a week after school on average, which causes plenty of mess to add to the daily toys/clothes/usual stuff. That enough detail for you?