Can *everything* be fit into the 6am-6pm working day?

[Whiskaspie]

And I mean everything bar putting dishwasher on after dinner and putting kids to bed. All house/food/bills/kids/garden/planning etc etc...if one were a sahp.

Depends on the age of the child. I could do it all when DS was 9-18 months (from a year I worked two days but had an hour or two post work time before nursery pick up) because he finally started napping in a cot and not on me, and could reliably have two naps a day and then one long one of around 2+ hours. So while he sat in high chair for breakfast I’d clean kitchen/do dishes, go out in the morning, if back for nap I’d prep dinner/stick it in slow cooker, play in the afternoon, tidy toys while he ate dinner in high chair and take up for bath and bedtime routine. Washing went in whenever in the day I had 5 mins. After he was in bed I’d do days dishes and have dinner ready and I could relax with wine, take clean clothes up when I went to bed. It was a very organised time! Before and after her dropped his nap... not so easy. When he was around all day and made so much more mess! Then when he was 3 it became easier as he will play by himself while I do stuff or at least accompany me while I do it! And now he’s at nursery. Summer holidays I’ll have a newborn and DS home for weeks so I expect everything will go to hell again/fall to my husband. But that’s fine, once DS is in Reception and the baby is a few months older I hope to be back in the swing of things! It’s all dependant on your circumstances.

OP - there are obviously things the DC bring home with them that are due the next day - random items / projects. It all escalates at secondary school level. I'm a SAHM to 4 DC (2 primary, 2 secondary) and this is what I do -

• Accept that I don't get to sit down in the evenings because that is my "peak time" - e.g. reminding / helping 4 sets of homework, running to and from matches / clubs, getting uniforms and PE kits ready, dinner for everyone etc. I don't factor DH in to any of these tasks as he's either away or comes in at 7-8pm and often works on the computer in the evenings as well.

• The cleaner comes 3 mornings a week, so I have little actual cleaning to do, it's more like picking up and tidying or sorting clothes and laundry.

• I iron a bit but send DH's shirts out.

• In the day, I'm still often quite busy to be honest (renovating a house at present), but if I do get time to myself (like now), I take it because I know the 4-11pm "shift" is non- stop. If I can recharge, everyone else's lives are made easier!

Could you get a cleaner and use that time as your "down time?" Then you won't need to ask your DH for any help because you will have the energy for the after-school and evening stints.

I think there is more than one issue.

Your DH should absolutely be picking up his own mess, generally behaving like and adult and not treating you like a maid. I'm not surprised you are upset about that. I wouldn't be doing it.

The other issue 'Holiday planning (I don't enjoy) as one eg someone mentioned,
insurance, DC birthday cakes, school costumes, diy, gardening, whatever.'
I can't understand why these things couldn't be done during the school day if this is when you prefer to do them. I would be very annoyed if my partner were a SAHM with school aged children and I came back from a 12 day of work and was asked to organise a school costume or make a cake. Having said that, I think my job is much more demanding that your husbands if you are serious about the coffee/ lunch breaks.
Some of the jobs e.g. DIY might be v reasonably be given to the person who is better at them but most can be managed by any able bodied adult.

Him not picking up after himself shows a complete level of disrespect towards you.

That should definitely fall outside of your responsibilities. What a pig.

So on a school day you have five and a half hours a day without children. Assuming six hour school day and giving time to get home, and go get them.

Shopping, cleaning, laundry, administration etc would be about two hours a day. Ten hours a week in total. That gives you three and a half hour downtime a day. If he gets home at six, but is out the house at six assume early to bed. So he has four hours in the evening. So doing it purely numerically he would help for half an hour and then have his three and a half hours off. But if you have done two hours of jobs in the day then unlikely to need to work all evening.

The school holidays are different as you have no children free time so he, and the children should do more

why don't the children seem to be doing anything?

Making beds, tidying rooms, putting clothes in the laundry, cleaning the table, putting the dishwasher on should all be done by primary aged kids.

Can everything be fit into the 6am-6pm working day?

I would say no. My typical day, before any 'downtime' longer than 5 mins (not including eating meals) starts at 6.30am and finishes at 9pm. Then there's about 9-10pm in front of the telly before bed!

although you're the only one on this thread who can judge if he is doing less than you overall
And I think he is. I've already stated my biggest problem is the assumption I am responsible for everything apart from being main breadwinner ( I do bring in a small sum, equivalent to three months my original well paid fulltime wage a year) and the little jobs he has started recently - thinking, planning, legwork, cleaning up shit he leaves lying around, you name it is mine. He's not interested in planning holidays with us. If I don't do it, it won't happen. And I'll do everything from arranging new passports to packing our cases. Same with doing stuff on a weekend. It's not a matter of counting up hours I have available through the day. At the moment I'm landscaping and planting the bare garden, the kids bedrooms need painting, there's always something to do. I'm obviously having trouble explaining my gripe- he goes to work and sees this as his contribution. Everything else appears to be mine. Is that how it's meant to work in a partnership? It doesn't feel much like teamwork. I don't know how else I can express this. All those ppl going on about free hours I have as a sahp, that's not how I arrange my days. Maybe it's a case of different priorities? Left to him, the garden would be a bare patch of mud...

why don't the children seem to be doing anything?
They do. It's just a work in progress.

I have been a sahp and it is frustrating when everyone in the house thinks that equates to them doing absolutely nothing. Leaving the bath to be emptied, wrappers to go in the bin, clothes on the floor is lazy and disrespectful.
People can still tidy up after themselves.

and I agree. I think this is part of my frustration. I feel totally taken for granted as a maid, PA, etc. I really don't mind organizing and looking after my DC and pet, they're still learning. But dh should be capable of clearing up after himself and having at least a bit of verbal input (meal ideas, holiday destinations) and awareness of what's going on in the family. He needs to be home early one day soon for an appt concerning our DC. I've asked, reminded, and put it on the calendar. I'm pretty sure he won't notice or remember unless I remind him again. I find it wearing constantly having to be on top of everything.

He doesn't sound like he's parenting much either OP which would further piss me off

You asked the wrong question.

You're question should have been "would you stay in a marriage where you feel unappreciated, disrespected and unloved?"

Most people would say no.

It's irrelevant how many hours a day other mothers spend on housework.

Yes

But landscaping garden and painting bedrooms are optional things. They are not part of the day to day core.

You are clearly unhappy so you need to sit down calmly and talk to him about what you would like to change.

If he doesn't want to go on holiday then don't book one.

If he doesn't want to go on holiday then don't book one.

Better yet, book one and go without him.

It sounds like your main gripe is not the tasks themselves, but more that he has mentally and emotionally "checked out" of the family?

Yes it definitely can be. My DH is a SAHP and does most things. We have a massive garden though so sometimes in the summer he spends so much time out there that housework doesn't get done. Also we're rennovating the house so he will do decorating etc which means hoovering and dusting falls by the wayside.

Just because he could do it all doesn't mean I necessarily expect it of him. I appreciate how much he does and how little I do after work. He doesn't like me doing housework though - when he first stayed at home he would actually be offended if I got the hoover out or hung out the washing because he felt those were his jobs.

I agree that you have asked the wrong question.
Your question (once you admited your dc are n school all day) was effectively, "do you think that 27.5 hours a week without interruption, plus another 30 odd with 2 Primary aged dc, is enough to do everything it takes to run a house" - to which the answer is yes, of course it is, easily.
However
this is more about you feeling your contribution is valued, and you feeling appreciated, which is an entirely different question.

fitted

I haven’t read the whole thread op. I work part time three 9-5 days and DC are just at secondary school. On one of my days off I often meet friends for coffee/lunch go to the cinema or go shopping visit my elderly parents etc. I spend at least half a day cleaning and washing and food shopping and I have a cleaner who comes once a fortnight. I also walk the dog and ensure kids get out the house on time and give one a lift to school transport (they attend different schools).
DH isn’t in until after 6 so no in my case as I am still doing the tea whether in work or not. I cook from scratch 5-6 nights out of 7 (my choice as I like to eat well) and have to tidy kitchen, recycling to put out, dishwasher to load and often put a wash on/empty tumbler take washing upstairs.
I enjoy researching and booking holidays. I would do this in my free time and spend excessive amounts of time on it. My DH isn’t overly interested and he would book any old holiday in 5 minutes. If I stopped doing this I would be cutting my nose off to spite my face.
I think it’s your choice to sort the garden and you obviously enjoy this.
Could you afford to get say a cleaner, decorator or landscape gardener in? Or could you price them and say to DH ‘this is the cost of the additional work I am doing to save us money and sort the house and garden. Please can you contribute or will you help with x & y while I do a & b on an evening’?

Sorry. But. How the fuck is emptying the bath a job? 2seconds pulls the plug. Catch a fucking grip. It’s this kind of silly shit that makes people lose respect for SAHPs.

If it’s so easy to pull the plug then why can’t the OPs husband do it ?

I don’t understand all these things that are so easy/ not work for woman to do but suddenly become difficult, demanding and praise worthy when a man does them.

I'm sort of assuming that OP is using emptying the bath as shorthand for 'emptying the bath, running water round to get rid of the bubbles, put all the shitty bath toys back in place, pick up towels, pick up dirty clothes etc etc, to be honest. It's clear her dh does fuck all.

Also it's not 'this shit' which makes people lose respect for SAHPs. People do that because they like looking down on other people for making choices different to them.

I hardly ever comment but think the OP has been wilfully misunderstood here by a lot of people who seem to want to tell her about how good they are at managing everything. She obviously has an unsupportive husband who leaves everything to her, is ungrateful and doesn’t even clear up after himself (which will be making it much harder to train her children too). Landscaping and planting a garden isn’t part of a normal day, nor is painting bedrooms. Between normal chores and drop offs etc that’s a lot to have on and never have anything to do last 6! I am on Mat leave at the moment but often seem to get to the evening with a costume to make/order for a school event, cakes to bake for a fair, a parentpay bill to pay, something that needs ordering/booking/sorting for our ongoing house improvements, birthday presents for the endlessness stream of children’s of parties to order and wrap... and I’m fairly sure I’m not incompetent at running a house.

And as for the evening routine and reading etc it really is crap if her husband won’t support that. I also find getting everything done after school/clubs and before bed tricky - reading, homework, music practice, making tea, sorting our adult dinner, all while refereeing small children. My husband isn’t home in time to help, but if he was, I know he’d chip in and listen to a child read and be really pleased he’d had that time with his child too.

It doesn’t make me lose respect for SAHP it makes me lose respect for those people who think that working is so amazing it absolves them from even the bare minimum of cleaning up