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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can *everything* be fit into the 6am-6pm working day?

237 replies

Whiskaspie · 19/02/2018 02:32

And I mean everything bar putting dishwasher on after dinner and putting kids to bed. All house/food/bills/kids/garden/planning etc etc...if one were a sahp.

OP posts:
Mummyontherun86 · 19/02/2018 10:35

Not if you are looking after babies and pre-schoolers (unless they are a rare breed who nap simultaneously!). You have to think like a childminder and jobs can only be short and around child activities.

Original poster
Whiskaspie · 19/02/2018 10:35

Still catching up on replies, but I'll reiterate that I do actually get stuff done through the day, it's the extra things which crop up that some ppl here don't maybe class as chores, but which still need doing, as op mentioned- clothes in laundry, bath emptying etc. Seriously, bath has been left for me to empty and clothes all over floors on so many occasions I can't count. Yes, I constantly need to get on at the dc to do their bit, but they're not exactly seeing a v good role model. And I don't see why this is (again) solely my job if it happens in the evening.
I do everything on your list bar the gardening and work full time. If I were at home it would be a breeze and I'd have the majority of the day free to do as I pleased.
Well done yellow, I do the gardening too, apart from a few lawn mows a year. Did while working full time too. How many DC do you have to clear the mess up after? Smile

OP posts:
AnachronisticCorpse · 19/02/2018 10:37

Maybe I have low standards but my 4 bed 3 bath detached house takes me two hours max to clean, and that’s not every day and the Roomba does most of the work. Factor in another hour (generous) for sorting washing, food order once a week, budget once a month and really I have half my day to do whatever I want (which right this second is watching a film).

Quartz2208 · 19/02/2018 10:38

I hate the idea that because you are the working parent you get removed completely from the concept of chores.

You cannot fit everything into a set time life does not work that way. he needs to take on some responsibility

1ndig0 · 19/02/2018 10:39

What do you mean by "everything?" OP? How long is a piece of string? Every day is different. Many people have cleaners, so obviously less to do on those days. Everyone has different standards anyway - for one person, "everything done" may mean inside of the wardrobes and every cupboard are ordered and immaculate, for another, it may mean a quick whip round so you're not tripping over stuff in the floor. Surely it also depends on ages / how many kids you have? I don't see the point of the question or what you want people to say.

nottwins · 19/02/2018 10:41

I'd expect a FT working parent with SAHP not to create any extra mess (e.g. put own plates in dishwasher if eating separately), but if you've had time for a break in the day - which is what lots of people saying is a reasonable expectation given that your DC are at school - then is it not your turn to be doing jobs while your DH has a break?

My DC don't take DH to be a poor role model because we have explained how we split the paid work/housework/childcare to be fair and both make it clear that we value the other's contribution.

singformysupper · 19/02/2018 10:44

Theoretically it should be possible or a SAHM with primary age children as in the OP. In reality, most SAHM with school aged children seem to have quite flexible days and often quite relaxed days and do more 'work' in the mornings and later afternoon/ evening.

It also depends on the number of children (huge difference between just one DC and 4 plus) and their individual demands.

Elocutioner · 19/02/2018 10:46

Dinner, bath, bed, reading, making packed lunch, clothes out for next day takes one parent two hours. imho.

Elocutioner · 19/02/2018 10:47

Bath emptying? Four seconds.

Shmithecat · 19/02/2018 10:51

I'm a sahm with a 2yo who doesn't go to any nursery etc. I don't do the ironing but I do everything else. Although bath and bed for my ds before 6 doesn't happen. I do everything else. I do laundry every night after ds has gone to bed. Banking and bills?! Direct debits and standing orders are your friend. Unless you've got a Von Trapp sized family and a mansion to accommodate them all I don't get what's so difficult.

nottwins · 19/02/2018 10:51

Elocutioner - doesn't that depend on the number of children? Mine all have different bedtimes so three half-hour sessions of reading. Fewer DC/independent readers would make a big difference.

And why would you even list getting out clothes for the next day? It takes about a minute.

singformysupper · 19/02/2018 11:03

Surely the DC can be encouraged or made to pick up their clothes if they are primary age.
If you are just talking about small things like running out the bath, encouraging children to pick up clothes, I think you are being petty. Given that you must have had some time to relax or do whatever you choose, I think it's reasonable that the working partner has a more relaxed evening.
If you are talking about his attitude to you or the fact that you are a SAHM that is different.

Original poster
Whiskaspie · 19/02/2018 11:03

Oh dear. I obviously haven't explained it v well at all. Dh doesn't tidy up after himself, so he leaves almost as many small jobs to do as the DC, who manage to create as much mess as possible out of school hours. That's not the point, or my q. As I have stated already, but ppl seem to be missing, I do all this usual stuff through the day. Not a problem. Although I get peeved having to pick up after dh. I'm not talking about the everyday stuff. I'm talking about all the other stuff. Holiday planning (I don't enjoy) as one eg someone mentioned,
insurance, DC birthday cakes, school costumes, diy, gardening, whatever. No, not all our bills can be paid by DD.

Dh will (now, though it's taken a long time to get to this point) generally load the dishwasher (v occasionally wipes surfaces and picks food from sink which he's rinsed in there) and read to one DC (I still go in for a goodnight kiss/chat). Everything else is assumed to be done by me. Because he is out of the house for nearly 12 hours. (Not always has this commute, but it's the current one.) And I should be able to fit everything else into this same time.
It's a bit frustrating that ppl are saying yeah it's easy, then mentions something dh does (which mine doesn't)... Yeah, if my dh automatically helped with every chore that needed doing when it occurred, and picked up after himself, maybe I wouldn't have been so frustrated by his comment, which seems a criticism of my time management when I didn't actually have much time to play with.
Maybe my q was the wrong one, but I don't know really what I'm asking in that case. I'm just frustrated with the expectations. And I'm sure op mentioned something about DC needing you out of hours- yup, youngest gets up at 1-2am 95% of the time, guess who sorts him out, even on weekends...

OP posts:
Original poster
Whiskaspie · 19/02/2018 11:06

Given that you must have had some time to relax or do whatever you choose,
Grinthat's funny, dh has way more coffee breaks/chats/lunches out than I do by far.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whiskaspie · 19/02/2018 11:07

I'm sure pp* mentioned

OP posts:
nottwins · 19/02/2018 11:09

But we're not just talking about the usual stuff. To be honest, what the jobs are doesn't matter - the key (as so often said on MN) is whether you both have equal leisure time.

Are you doing jobs, whether regular or one-offs, for 12 hours every day? When you do it is a red herring. If you're doing more than that, then yes he needs to chip in. If not, then it's his turn to relax.

All some pp are saying is that, in their experience, they don't have 12 hours of jobs a day when DC are at school. I certainly don't.

Whether or not he respects you and/or your contribution is another issue again...

mikeyssister · 19/02/2018 11:10

Have I missed where you said what age your children are OP? You said primary, but there's a world of difference between a 4/5 year old and a 10/12 year old.

SEsofty · 19/02/2018 11:12

The issue is your primary age children making a mess. They should be tidying themselves up. Eg plates in dishwasher. Clothes in laundry basket. Lay out clothes for next day.

sausagedogsmakechipolatas · 19/02/2018 11:14

I missed that all household admin and planning were included. So yes, I do everyday chores (because although I work FT it is from home, and my partner works away M-F) but stuff like holidays, bill paying etc, I do about half as does he.
I don’t tolerate him not picking up after himself at all; obviously if he’s left the odd thing that’s fine but generally he puts his own stuff away and does a share of the cooking and cleaning when he’s here at weekends. It took a while to get there but I made it clear I wouldn’t accept anything else.

Original poster
Whiskaspie · 19/02/2018 11:14

The key is whether you both have equal leisure time
The answer to that would be no. So I guess I suck up being responsible for everything under the sun, but make sure I get a bit of chill time through the day?

Whether or not he respects you and/or your contribution is another issue again...
I don't think leaving spills on the floor or wrappers on the unit is respecting my contribution, no.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 19/02/2018 11:14

Tbh if DP assumed he had to do nothing including moving his own dirty washing etc id be pissed off regardless. You arent his maid. He should put his own dirty clothes in the washing basket at least else it wouldn't get washed. Wet towels in washing basket or to dry depending on of you single use them. If they are reused and they go on the floor, they'd get relocated to his side of the bed. If he has a drink, puts it empty on the floor then walls last the kitchen to go tootle then the cup wouldn't get washed up. Irrespective of how supposed leisure time I had. I get being oit the house for 12 hours is excessive but that doesn't mean his wife should be wiping his bum and sounding him down in the bath

SleepingStandingUp · 19/02/2018 11:15

The issue is your primary age children making a mess. They should be tidying themselves up. Eg plates in dishwasher. Clothes in laundry basket. Lay out clothes for next day.
But the grown man doesn't have to apparently

Original poster
Whiskaspie · 19/02/2018 11:18

sausagedogs do you have DC as well?. Dh sometimes works away, and although I often take longer to clear up in the evening, there's less mess overall, so the day is more relaxing!
My DC are one at each end of primary, so one messy and one messy and hormonalGrin.

OP posts:
SEsofty · 19/02/2018 11:20

And obviously DH should do these things too. It's becoming clear that he thinks that you are a maid.

Also holiday planning shouldn't be a chore. It should be something fun that you do and discuss as a couple

nottwins · 19/02/2018 11:22

I take it you mean you have the greater leisure time? So why is it a problem being responsible for "everything under the sun"? And this presumably doesn't include being solely financially responsible for the entire family...

I'm first point of contact for everything home and child related in our house, but it needn't be the same as being solely responsible. I bounce ideas and worries off DH, but with the understanding that I'll do the legwork on it. Because I have more time.

Sounds like you need a talk with your DH if he's taking you for granted. But maybe you've been doing that with his contribution? He has to go to work, so it's a given, whereas you have to self-motivate and probably juggle more balls. Doesn't necessarily mean his life is easy, although you're the only one on this thread who can judge if he is doing less than you overall.

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