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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Early morning sex ...

343 replies

Sodamntiredasalways · 19/02/2018 00:02

I get one lie in a week, a Sunday. The rest of the week I'm up for work or training (5:30/6am) and DH is still in bed. Apart from Saturday when we train together. DH has developed this habit of wanting sex at 6am on a Sunday morning. The sun wakes him up .... but apparently it doesn't Monday to Friday HmmAIBU to want to scream at him to bugger off and let me sleep or should I appreciate the affection? He will persist every 15 minutes until I finally wake up and begrudgingly agree. So I can't pretend to be asleep. (This is lighthearted, I love him and we have a great physical relationship - I just was one lie in a week) thoughts ?

OP posts:
Joey7t8 · 19/02/2018 11:43

Maybe some men could chime in here on the discussion and give us their perspective. if any have read this thread they must be nervous now about whether or not they will be 'pestering' their partner next time they would like sex

I’m a bloke in a long term relationship and I’m not nervous about initiating sex with my partner in bed. Likewise, she is not nervous about initiating sex with me. Both of us like the fact that the other finds us sexually desirable, even though we might be half asleep, hungover or in the middle of an exciting chapter in a really good book.

I think the only times that we’re both up for it without either needing any persuasion or encouragement is when we come home drunk from a a night out.

WaxOnFeckOff · 19/02/2018 11:43

downstrada No, I wouldn't really see it as that different as I'm possibly reading the post in a different way.

I really like my sleep. I would happily tell him to feck off and say no when I am still half asleep as the sleepy part of me does definitely not want sex, it wants sleep. However the awake and conscious part of me does but if DH took the telling at the first snuggle in then we would almost never have it and I would miss it. Once I am more awake then I am in the mood and it's fine though part of me will remain annoyed at being woken regardless. The logic part of me knows that I can't have it all ways and still be happy and have a sex life.

That's how the OP reads to me but accept that may not be the spirit it's written in and we all project our own experiences onto what we read.

Tallzarabelle · 19/02/2018 11:46

So I should have sex when I don't want to, some of the time?

Tallzarabelle · 19/02/2018 11:50

Waxonfeck so you're reading the op as 'man and woman agree to have sex on Sunday mornings, woman is initially sleepy but still wants sex and enjoys it'.

Ok then, but why start an Aibu thread about it? If op is fine with this arrangement, why the need to share it? What's the Aibu?

Tallzarabelle · 19/02/2018 11:56

Also how about we flip this around?

I need to go to bed at 10 because I've got work the next day. Dh always follows me up wanting sex, I'm trying to sleep but he repeatedly wakes me up every 15 minutes until at midnight I reluctantly agree.

Still ok?

geekone · 19/02/2018 12:08

I can't quite get my head round this thread because it's taking the extreme ends of a scale and painting them as normal.

  1. It's ok in a loving relationship to get frisky and try to wake your partner to have sex. Or indeed think of interesting ways to wake them.
  2. It's never ok to have sex with someone who is asleep.
  3. Never have sex when you don't want to.
  4. It's not rape if you begrudgingly agree (unless you are in a violent or controlling relationship and you are worried about what will happen if you don't) but it's not fun for anyone.
  5. I think most people need coerced slightly (or at least influenced) into sex unless you are so in sync with your partner you always feel it at the same time. We should feel comfortable with our partners to try it on but also comfortable to say no.

I worry that if we don't watch as a society we will take all the fun out of relationships. We will have to agree the night before or have a timetable for sex just to ensure we are not seen to be a sex pest.

Btw I teach my DS to never touch or kiss or cuddle another person (except mummy and daddy) without asking first. They recently did social dancing at school and he asked his partner if it was ok to hold her round the waist for the dance. He is 8 I think he's got it so far.

WaxOnFeckOff · 19/02/2018 12:10

Tallzara - I'm not telling you what you should do, all I'm saying is that having been with Dh for 20 odd years that it's not likely that the perfect storm of the circumstances being right and us both being in the mood is going to happen more than a couple of times a year.

I'd like sex more often than that, So, I either need to go to bed earlier or accept that I'm going to be woken up when I'd rather not. We have teenagers so they are usually still up when DH goes to bed and mostly when I go too so I'd be uninclined to wake him up then.

You need to do what works for you.

downthestrada · 19/02/2018 12:11

WaxOn I understand you. It's just that I read her saying that she wants a lie in, carries on pretending to be asleep and it sounds like she's not in the mood - at least this is what the OP is saying. So, I think it sounds more like she's giving in and having sex when she doesn't want it.

I think your situation sounds fine though, as you say that once you are awake you are more in the mood. You want to have sex.

downthestrada · 19/02/2018 12:18

5. I think most people need coerced slightly (or at least influenced) into sex unless you are so in sync with your partner you always feel it at the same time. We should feel comfortable with our partners to try it on but also comfortable to say no.

I suppose in the case of the OP, she is lying there either asleep, trying to sleep or pretending to be asleep. Which to me is a no. So, should he really be trying every 15 minutes to influence her into sex? Even when she has tried negotiating with him regarding this issue?

I think it's ok to initiate sex and then for someone to say no. If one party says no - then that's it. Maybe another time when both are up for it. But continually pestering doesn't really make for great relationships does it?

Tallzarabelle · 19/02/2018 12:22

I think most people need coerced, or at least influenced slightly

Definition of coerce - persuade an unwilling person to do something by using force or threats.

So you think people should be coerced into sex?

I can't think of any circumstances where it's ok to coerce someone into sex.

WaxOnFeckOff · 19/02/2018 12:23

I guess it is all degrees as I would definitely rather sleep and would rebuff initially. I suppose we know each other will enough to know that sleepy me definitely wants sleep, awake me whilst annoyed at being woken is happy to have sex. So, it probably would be a reluctant consent same as OP but I would enjoy it and wouldn't wish that we hadn't had it/feel used etc.

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 19/02/2018 12:32

Maybe some men could chime in here on the discussion and give us their perspective. if any have read this thread they must be nervous now about whether or not they will be 'pestering' their partner next time they would like sex

Well according to some on here my wife would be classed as a sex pest! She often initiates sex while I am fast asleep even if I am not in the mood there and then her wandering hands often change my mind after a few minutes.

I am also aware that she has higher sex drive then me, not massively different, but enough to notice. I have a choice here, I could just say no every time and reduce the frequency of sex to my level of sex drive, or, I can compromise. As a considerate husband I try and make the effort even when I am not in the mood. I don’t agree to every attempt by her to initiate sex, sometimes I really am just not in the mood and she respects that despite initially trying to convince me otherwise.

geekone · 19/02/2018 12:41

Ok I should have said "encouraged" coercion is the wrong word.

When I read the op I actually thought she was begrudgingly and wakening not begrudgingly dtd.

Btw a train would need to come through my room to wake me when I am asleep my DH will spoon rub my bum but if I don't move he goes to sleep. If I do wake and say leave me alone (nicely) he goes to sleep but often I think mmmm ok if I am a little awake. That is what I mean by influence or encourage. I accept I used the wrong word.

BertrandRussell · 19/02/2018 12:42

Can you be coerced slightly?

geekone · 19/02/2018 12:42

"Begrudgingly wakening" no and needed

FlatToTheMat · 19/02/2018 12:43

UnimaginativeUsername,my god that sounds horrific! So sorry all that happened to you

BitOutOfPractice · 19/02/2018 12:46

The thing is that the OP has tried repeatedly to tell her DH that his advances are not welcome at 6am on a Sunday. Both at the time and afterwards, in the cold light of day. And yet he continues to "persist", whether she wants to or not (in her case NOT!) so he can enjoy his begrudging sex. The whole thing i horrible

JustMarriedAndLovingIt · 19/02/2018 12:49

I prefer a cuddle in the morning, I only sometimes get horny then. Otherwise the evening for me thanks very much. Helps me gets off to sleep...afterwards not during obviously 😂😂

Elendon · 19/02/2018 12:49

I don't think your wife is a sex pest PanGalatic She has clear boundaries and respects your wishes.

sometimes I really am just not in the mood and she respects that despite initially trying to convince me otherwise.

BertrandRussell · 19/02/2018 12:52

“sometimes I really am just not in the mood and she respects that despite initially trying to convince me otherwise.”

This is the key sentence.

MrsKoala · 19/02/2018 12:53

1. It's ok in a loving relationship to get frisky and try to wake your partner to have sex. Or indeed think of interesting ways to wake them.

Only if you both agree to that. It might be okay to you but it is not okay to me and DH. You don't get to say what is okay for everyone. Just what you have agreed is okay for you and your partner. The OP hasn't agreed this is okay, so her partner is not okay doing it.

BitOutOfPractice · 19/02/2018 12:55

Anyway, what happens in your relationship and how you interpret consent is a moot point isn't it. The OP has repeatedly told her DH that she doesnt want sex at 6am on Sundays. He doesn't care about that. He doesn't care about her consent. He tramples right over her clearly stated boundaries. He only cares about getting sex, even if that is "begrudging" ie without real consent

MrsKoala · 19/02/2018 12:56

Pan - if you had told her to stop her wandering hands, that you didn't want to be woken up like that, then yes she would be. If you are okay with it - as you are - then it's fine between the 2 of you.

It's all about individuals and communicating clearly and then respecting what the other wants.

WhiparoundandSpin · 19/02/2018 12:57

I worry that if we don't watch as a society we will take all the fun out of relationships. We will have to agree the night before or have a timetable for sex just to ensure we are not seen to be a sex pest.

I see it as quite the opposite. How is it taking the fun out of sex to only have sex when you want to? Paying attention to whether your partner wants sex is very simple, certainly doesn't require forms, alarm clocks, schedules. Its not like OP hasn't communicated her wish to be left to sleep.

And how are posters who cannot imagine their partner ever pestering them for sex in relationships where anyone would feel bad for their partner?! I imagine those to be very loving respectful relationships.

Something is very wrong with people's idea of how relationships work.

Elendon · 19/02/2018 13:03

It's much more fun when both are enthusiastically enjoying sex. Being roused and then having sex is very different to feeling aroused and then having sex.

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