Early morning sex ...

[Sodamntiredasalways]

I get one lie in a week, a Sunday. The rest of the week I'm up for work or training (5:30/6am) and DH is still in bed. Apart from Saturday when we train together. DH has developed this habit of wanting sex at 6am on a Sunday morning. The sun wakes him up .... but apparently it doesn't Monday to Friday AIBU to want to scream at him to bugger off and let me sleep or should I appreciate the affection? He will persist every 15 minutes until I finally wake up and begrudgingly agree. So I can't pretend to be asleep. (This is lighthearted, I love him and we have a great physical relationship - I just was one lie in a week) thoughts ?

I don't get this.

You begrudgingly agree to see? Yet are posting here asking if you're BU to be a little annoyed?

Yanbu to be fed up of being pestered for sex when you don't want it. Yabu for not sitting him down and saying actually Id rather sleep an extra hour or 2, then get it on. And if you have tried that then he's BU and should learn to respect that actually NO MEANS NO not try again until I wear her down. Unless you're in fact telling him maybe In 15 minutes which again leads me back to being confused at the point of the post.

There’s a huge difference between initiating sex and pestering for it. I think some posters are being deliberately obtuse.

OP you lost me at the word "persist" to be honest. Ugh!

I wonder why you think he's so lovely when you know that he enjoys having sex with a woman who is at best begrudging (your word) or reluctant and. at worst, not consenting. Where does he get off on that I wonder?

If you're (happily) married you (hopefully) don't have sex with anyone else, so why is it always seen as such a negative on mumsnet? My husband jokes about sex a lot, and if I don't want it then I tell him to fuck off and we laugh and carry on with our day. We're not talking about being groped by a stranger, an abusive relationship, or being taken advantage of on a date, OP seems happily married and her husband is quite clearly not a dirty pervert sex pest or worse. He's just her husband. People want to have sex. Get over it.

To those of you who suggested that it's not a lighthearted joke because there are women in abusive relationships who wouldn't find it funny, I'm sorry to those who are, genuinely, but I reckon those kinds of marriages are in the minority so why shouldn't those of us in happy marriages be able to take a lighthearted approach to what goes on in the bedroom?

Out of 100 times a husband and wife have sex, how many do you think the wife genuinely wants to have sex or while having sex is thinking "i need to do something else/ let's get this over with just to please the man/ nope don't really want to be doing this"

Jesus Christ how depressing. This is how I feel when I’m cleaning the bathroom, not having sex

Christ! Are you having us on? You can’t seriously think this is ok just because seemingly everyone else is doing it. It’s not ok!

Why is it not ok? Surely you need to feel like you were raped/violated in order for it to be rape.

It's not affection is it if you keep batting him off (and I don't blame you), it's pestering and what's sexy about that? Sounds like he knows you'll just give in eventually. Nice. He's being selfish.

"On the other hand sometimes DH tries it when I'm asleep and I just pretend not to wake up and let him get on with it lol"

Fucking hell^, that's absolutely shocking.

OP I don't know why you're trying to downplay it now. You said in your original OP You feel like screaming at him to leave you alone..then you 'begrudgingly' agree. He's doing it because he knows you'll give in - so don't, tell him NOT to wake you up and don't do it if he does wake you up. You said you've tried talking to him about it and yet he has ignored your wishes - he is extremely disrespectful to you.

Wow, just wow.

Thislittlekitty NO, no you don't necessarily have to feel like you've been raped for it to be rape.

Only maybe 25 years ago, there was no such thing as rape within a marriage written into law. This doesn't mean it didn't happen.

Lots of abuse victims don't realise it was a use until years later.

This thread is depressing.

@Tallzarabelle If the shock factor makes people think twice about their situation and whether or not they are pressured or not then it can only be good. I am sure a lot of women feel like you but the one time they really do not want to have sex...ie. when they really want a lie in - they still go through with it to please their partner. This is not ok.

It must be something about Sundays...because my DH is always bloody horny!! He pesters....sometimes I give in if i am in the mood other times i tell him to do one!!

Is this situation RAPE as she 'gives in' after he 'pesters'? I think the lines are very blurred

Mmmmm... having sex with somebody who eventually reluctantly agrees. Sexy.

This thread is still very disturbing.

For so many reasons.

Yes this thread is depressing but it needs to be discussed as it can help women to find their inner voice and to say NO I do not want to have sex today and make their partner understand clearly.

if one does not want a bacon sarnie, one should not be forced to have one BUT one can choose to have one the next day or the next week :)

"I'd love to know how some of you do sex. It s sounds to me something like...

Darling I'm just filling in our sex diary, is Tuesday night still OK? 10pm, great if you can just sign the consent form now and remember to bring it to bed on Tuesday. I will not lay a finger on you unless it's signed again 10.01pm Tuesday because you may have changed your mind and vice versa.

Just what's app me a copy please on Tuesday for my file and fingers crossed darling!"

^Ridiculous. How about when BOTH of us feel like it. Not when one "feels like screaming" at the other to leave them alone.

Out of 100 times a husband and wife have sex, how many do you think the wife genuinely wants to have sex or while having sex is thinking "i need to do something else/ let's get this over with just to please the man/ nope don't really want to be doing this" Why would you put up with this, just to keep 'hubz' happy? Honestly, why is his having access to your vagina whenever he chooses something that you willingly accept in 2018? Do you lie back and think of England while he's at it?

I can categorically say that in 5 years of very regular sex with my ex, not once did I put up with it for his sake (unless it was giving him a quick handy, which was still consensual, but at least didn't require me to open my legs and pretend I was enjoying it).

Sex isn't something men DO TO women, its supposed to be something you both get enjoyment from, or what the fuck is the point?! Jeez and we wonder why some men can't grasp the basics of consent. It's because they've been in relationships with women like this, who think it's their conjugal duty to put out to keep him happy.

*Only maybe 25 years ago, there was no such thing as rape within a marriage written into law. This doesn't mean it didn't happen.

Lots of abuse victims don't realise it was abuse until years later.*

Sounds like things haven't changed that much if people are still reluctant to have sex but are letting partners do it. Not all the time but on the times they DO NOT want sex they should not feel they have to go through with it.
This thread could therefore be seen as enlightening those women or making them think about said situation. Yes of course if one is in a loving relationship one is not going to think that 'pester/ reluctant sex' is rape nor that a loving partner could do that to oneself but if after reading this thread it makes them think again, then great.

I can't imagine any decent bloke wanting to have sex with a woman who wasn't into it. They are just using the woman as a vessel, a wank sock.

I really want to know what people are telling their children about consent.

"On the other hand sometimes DH tries it when I'm asleep and I just pretend not to wake up and let him get on with it lol"

Sweet jesus. I've read it all on mn now

Totally agree Bertrand.

Hopefully it will make some people think. It seems as though some people have their heads firmly buried in the sand though.

I would ask though, would any of you happy for you daughters to have sex 'done to them' simply to placate their future husbands?

Would you like to think of your son shoving his penis in a sleeping woman? Or badgering their girlfriend until they give in?

The thought turns my stomach.

I would ask though, would any of you happy for you daughters to have sex 'done to them' simply to placate their future husbands?

I think they would tell their daughters it was just part of being married. As their mothers probably told them.

This. I was raped by my husband for years. Took me far too long to realise it was rape.

Me too. And pestered and coerced into sex he knew I didn’t want or risk a whole day of sulking and being treated like dirt.

We can’t know if the OP is being jokey and lighthearted about something she doesn’t mind. Or if it’s more than that.

Thing is, if I’d posted in the midst of the sexual abuse, I wouldn’t have been able to recognise it as such. I’d have thought it was ‘lighthearted’ and actually my fault for not being up for it.

But actually, no. Him choosing to ignore me until he wanted to have sex, me saying that I was tired and sore, him promising that it would ‘just be a back rub’ but him deciding to stick his penis inside me anyway (even if I calmed my legs shut), was not him ‘just getting too excited’ or not realising that I didn’t want to have sex. It was rape.

It wasn’t ok for him to be pestering me for sex after I’ve fallen asleep (or in the process of falling asleep), attempting to ‘initiate’ sex by groping at my breasts even after I’ve told him that I do not want them to be touched, carrying on having sex with me even if I’m crying, and so on.

But, of course, it started small. With boundary pushing and sulking if he didn’t get sex. And in hindsight I can see that his actions and attitude caused the utter death of my sex drive. Because it becomes increasingly difficult to desire sex with someone who treats you like that (and doesn’t care that you’re exhausted from breastfeeding during the night, or that you’ve been diagnosed with an autoimmune condition that causes pain and exhaustion).

But , as I said, we can’t know if OP is in a situation that’s similar or in any way different. But the general attitude that ‘men will have their needs’ and anyone who questions it is a ‘militant feminist’ who hates sex actually contributes to the difficulty in recognising when you’re in a totally unacceptable situation. As does the fact that pestering someone til they give in and put out is seen as a fun joke.

My exP completely refuses to believe that he’s a sexual predator. He genuinely believes that he’s never done anything wrong and would never do something like that. I’m just an awful woman who is making him feel bad for enjoying sex.

Bertandrussell nail on he head.

Makes me shudder.

Nothing I imagine, probably not a conversation they think they need to have.

If someone I was dating said to me that they had sex with their ex when she was sleeping, I'd end it there and then.