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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Early morning sex ...

343 replies

Sodamntiredasalways · 19/02/2018 00:02

I get one lie in a week, a Sunday. The rest of the week I'm up for work or training (5:30/6am) and DH is still in bed. Apart from Saturday when we train together. DH has developed this habit of wanting sex at 6am on a Sunday morning. The sun wakes him up .... but apparently it doesn't Monday to Friday HmmAIBU to want to scream at him to bugger off and let me sleep or should I appreciate the affection? He will persist every 15 minutes until I finally wake up and begrudgingly agree. So I can't pretend to be asleep. (This is lighthearted, I love him and we have a great physical relationship - I just was one lie in a week) thoughts ?

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 19/02/2018 10:50

her husband is quite clearly not a dirty pervert sex pest

How do you define "sex pest" then sexyegg? I'd define it as someone who pesters repeatedly for sex, hoping you'll give in. Which is exactly what the OP's DH does. He persistently gropes her till she begrudgingly gives in and does it "begrudgingly"

That is completely different from a partner asking / initiating and taking no for an answer. And its revolting

WheresTheHooferDoofer · 19/02/2018 10:55

OP's first post made me wince. It is too reminiscent of the way my ex was. I got pestered a lot, he didn't listen to me saying no. And I've recently allowed myself to look back and see that on at least one occasion, it was rape.

So no, I don't think we've got silly women getting worked up over nothing. This kind of pestering behaviour goes on all the time, and women are conditioned into thinking it's ok.

There were times I initiated sex with ex, while thinking "if I do this tonight, he'll leave me alone for the next 2-3 nights". That's no way to live.

OP may have changed her story later, but she says she's tried talking, negotiating, etc. She shouldn't have to do that, he should be accepting that no means no.

SofieMonde · 19/02/2018 10:55

While this is an inflammatory subject describing the Op as "women like this" is also not helpful or kind. The point of this thread is to get people to really start thinking about the situation and issues of consent and have the balls confidence, pardon the pun, to say no

MrsKoala · 19/02/2018 10:58

It very much sounds like consent forms to me because sex is usually imitated by one person wife or husband by the laying on of hands.

But not when they are unconscious or have already said no.

Dh had enthusiastic consent (and supply your own condoms) drummed into him in the army. We usually use our words to say what we want and feel. If we want sex, we say. We will continue speaking all the way thru. Do you like this? Shall I do that? Etc.

Gottagetmoving · 19/02/2018 11:01

Life must be bloody stressful for the husbands of some posters on here. They must be terrified they will be accused of rape or being disgusting if they even playfully ask for sex.. Sex is part if marriage, and yes, no one should have sex if they don't want to, but a couple who are close and love each other will have times when one persuades the other two have sex.
I've had sex when I've not been that bothered because I love my partner. I've not felt pressurised or forced and often will enjoy it.
If I really, really didn't want to, it wouldn't happen, but sometimes it's worth the effort.
I totally get what OP is saying. Her husband knows she's not asleep! She is pretending but not making an effort but she obviously doesn't mind enough to feel abused or raped! I think some of you aware married to people you don't even like that much!

UnimaginativeUsername · 19/02/2018 11:01

There were times I initiated sex with ex, while thinking "if I do this tonight, he'll leave me alone for the next 2-3 nights". That's no way to live.

I found that I went the opposite way. Even if I miraculously found myself to be experiencing the desire to have sex, I would never have let him know about it because if I showed any interest in having sex I was worried that he’d then expect it the next night, and the next, and so on.

It’s definitely no way to live.

UnimaginativeUsername · 19/02/2018 11:04

They must be terrified they will be accused of rape or being disgusting if they even playfully ask for sex.

No. Because they can ask... It’s really not hard to say, ‘you up for it?’ and then respond appropriately to the reply.

It’s not in any way comparable to pestering for sex every 15 minutes until your partner decides to just get it over with.

MrsKoala · 19/02/2018 11:09

If my husband felt he had to pretend to be asleep to deflect my repeated requests for sex I’d reflect on my behaviour and feel quite ashamed.

Gotta- if she is pretending to be asleep shouldn’t that be a massive non verbal cue to her husband? Or is pretending to sleep all part of foreplay now?

Gottagetmoving · 19/02/2018 11:12

No. Because they can ask... It’s really not hard to say, ‘you up for it?’ and then respond appropriately to the reply

It's different for every couple...for some, the answer would always be no. There will often be some form of persuading but only a monster would get aggressive and demand...and I don't think OPs husband falls into that category.
It's often assumed on here that any man who attempts to persuade his wife to be intimate is an abusive rapist and that's not the case.

UnimaginativeUsername · 19/02/2018 11:12

You’ve got to feel sorry for the poor men walking on eggshells because they can’t be quite sure that someone who appears to be asleep isn’t up for having sex. It’s such an ambiguous situation.

SofieMonde · 19/02/2018 11:16

Maybe some men could chime in here on the discussion and give us their perspective. if any have read this thread they must be nervous now about whether or not they will be 'pestering' their partner next time they would like sex

Tallzarabelle · 19/02/2018 11:16

Gottagetmoving I don't think any of these men live in fear of being accused of rape.

I think there are several poster he who perhaps don't want to face up to the fact that their husbands don't care very much about their feelings, wants and needs.

It is very disturbing that one person, would want to have sex with another who wasn't enjoying it.

Tallzarabelle · 19/02/2018 11:21

If I said no to sex with my husband every time he initiated it, I might start to think we had mismatched sex drives and had a problem. I wouldn't think that was a green light for him to coerce me into doing it anyway.

That doesn't mean to say there aren't these little games that go on between couples, where there is a mutual understanding, but then there really is no point in starting a thread about it is there?

Arealhumanbeing · 19/02/2018 11:21

I think some posters are being deliberately obtuse.

Do you reckon? Grin

Well it is an MN thread about male entitlement.

Gottagetmoving · 19/02/2018 11:25

I think there are several poster he who perhaps don't want to face up to the fact that their husbands don't care very much about their feelings, wants and needs

And vice versa...

downthestrada · 19/02/2018 11:25

Life must be bloody stressful for the husbands of some posters on here. They must be terrified they will be accused of rape or being disgusting if they even playfully ask for sex.

My husband has playfully asked for sex, but when he realises that I'm too tired, don't want it - he backs off completely. He wouldn't want to pester me every 15 minutes until I give in. The sex would be shit. Nobody would enjoy it. What decent man enjoys having sex with someone who has had to be continually persuaded and pestered until they grudgingly agree.

And vice versa, I have initiated sex with him. And even when he hasn't verbally said, realised that he is too tired and not really into it. So I think poor tired husband and back off.

It's really not hard. If you know your partner well and don't want to be a sex pest, it's easy.

Joey7t8 · 19/02/2018 11:27

Life must be bloody stressful for the husbands of some posters on here.

I don’t know if you intended this to be funny, but as a long time fan of AIBU, this made me chuckle for about 10 minutes.

WaxOnFeckOff · 19/02/2018 11:30

I think it is quite tough in a long term relationship. Your times when you want sex are probably not always going to be compatible. There are going to be times where if you want a sex life at all, you might need to not be 100% enthusiastic as finding time when you are both in the same place, in the mood and it's appropriate might be tough. Inevitably it will depend on who has the stronger sex drive as to who initiates more and who has to be "encouraged" to be in the mood.

I don't like being woken up and I will grump but with kids in the house, and liking different bedtimes, early mornings are our main opportunity. If DH didn't encourage me to wake up (even if I was initially reluctant) then we would rarely have sex and I would miss it. I could set an alarm and wake myself up and then wake him up and he would be less grumpy that me, guaranteed. Just because I don't like being woken, doesn't mean to say that it's rape despite me grumping and pulling the covers over initially etc.

Elendon · 19/02/2018 11:30

Sometimes partners are too stressed to even accept a cuddle and that's understandable and fine. I would never expect my children to give me a cuddle if they didn't want to and if they didn't want a tickle I would stop immediately. This teaches them that they have agency over their own body and they learn early about acceptable boundaries.

Tallzarabelle · 19/02/2018 11:30

Gottagetmoving, so essentially, stripping this back to basics, what you are saying is that if tomorrow morning, my husband wants to have sex, I should go along with it whether I want to or not. If I don't then it means I don't care about his wants and needs.

Right ok.

downthestrada · 19/02/2018 11:34

WaxOnFeckOff I think that's fine in your situation as you say you would miss it. But, the OP here has said that she wants to sleep and wants to scream at him to leave her alone. It's a bit different. He continues until she wakes up, even though she has tried talking to him and negotiating with him about it. He's still not listening.

BertrandRussell · 19/02/2018 11:34

“No. Because they can ask... It’s really not hard to say, ‘you up for it?’ and then respond appropriately to the reply

It's different for every couple...for some, the answer would always be no.“
Really? 5

Tallzarabelle · 19/02/2018 11:35

Waxinfeck there's a big difference between your husband waking you to initiate sex to,

Your husband waking you to initiate sex, then pestering you every 15 minutes, when you want to scream at him to leave you alone, then eventually begrudgingly give in, and are bothered enough about it to start a thread on a public forum.

Personally I wouldn't mind my husband would wake me up initiating sex, but I wouldn't start a thread suggesting it was upsetting me and distrusting my sleep.

You can see the difference no?

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 19/02/2018 11:40

This has been an ongoing row between DH and me. I don't get enough sleep all through the week, then he wakes me for sex. Also, I'm an old fart, and very achy in the mornings.

Gottagetmoving · 19/02/2018 11:41

Gottagetmoving, so essentially, stripping this back to basics, what you are saying is that if tomorrow morning, my husband wants to have sex, I should go along with it whether I want to or not. If I don't then it means I don't care about his wants and needs*

No,...that's not what I meant or said. You assume I mean you would have to have sex every time. I was talking about when you may not be totally in the mood but may go for the closeness and intimacy. If you definitely don't want to, then you won't.

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