To feel sad for new mums and all the scary comments?

[RelaxEnjoy]

I say this because I suffered terribly with antenatal depression, made horrendously worse by a lot of comments, such as...

"You'll always feel tired"

"BF is so difficult and sore but you'll get through it if that's what you want"

"You will never feel alone again"

Etc etc etc

Sleep deprivation being the biggest comments thrown at me

Here's my experience, expectant mums:

DS slept through from birth, and by 4 weeks was going 12 hour stretches. He still does this, I've never slept so much in my life. He's made me incredibly lazy

He had no issues latching on, and he was tongue tied. I didn't even have so much as a cracked nipple. It was bliss. I wasn't going to breastfeed, everyone made me feel like it would be impossible. I thought DS would sleep better on formula, so said to myself I'd only give him the colostrum. Well I carried on because it was so easy and convenient. Still feeding now

I always had relaxing baths during the early weeks! DS not only slept through but obviously slept a lot during the day because newborns are very sleepy. Whilst he done this, I would enjoy a hot soak in the bath 🛀

I have to schedule this more carefully now he's older as he doesn't nap as much, but I just give him to DH for an hour and have some time to myself.

He is with me all day and I'm rarely by myself, but I think that should be encouraged and natural. I think a DC should work as an extension of you. It isn't something to fear, it's lovely. It's a natural transition from bump to Mum.

I confronted all the commenters now, and remind them what they said to me whilst vulnerable and pregnant. They constantly move the goal post with things like "yeah but wait till". I no longer listen. Don't listen

I'm not saying everything will all go smoothly for you but if there are any hiccups, take them in your stride. Accept and go with it. Listen to your baby, listen to what they need and just go with it

Relax

All I’m taking this is you didn’t breastfeed your 4 week old for 12 hour stretches

And you sound a bit smug.

I've read your OP and I feel sick TBH. The final paragraph particularly-are you really that lacking in empathy for others?! I'm sorry it's just really tasteless.

My daughter is 3 now. I had PND, I'm still medicated. The lack of sleep..I am still haunted by it. I truly believe it caused permanent - or at least significant damage to my mental health. For months she woke every 30 mins at night. And I hated myself and planned to go under a train. I thought I was just so shit at being a mum.

As I know now, it's all luck, nothing I did or didn't do. My DD was high needs from day one-another 3 day back to back baby forceps delivery, pelvic floor still damaged...so just don't brag about how LUCKY you are when others are struggling and imply it's because you are relaxed.

You can say all of these things because you haven't been where some of us are or have been.

Chicken
It’s very difficult when you are struggling to get over the physical aftermath of a birth and have a challenging baby. I was there too.
I had counselling for birth trauma and one thing she said to me that really hit home was that I was part of a club now as so many women struggle. Those that don’t will have their own battles.
But I get that posts like the ops are difficult to read.

@cherrycokewinning

I had him in with me for a long time . Did his bedroom up and let him look but not go in all Thomas Tank engine. Although he didn’t stay all night always started in his own bed . Went to sleep with me in the room , then did moving chair and where very slowly retreated out of the room it took a couple of months .
It took till 4 to sleep most the night and so then didn’t get in my bed

Thanks for your post OP. I put off parenthood for years after buying into the horror stories. I wondered why anyone bothered! I thought I would never be able to do it. As it is, I'm enjoying it. Hearing both sides is helpful.

I teetered on the edge of antenatal depression, and was extremely anxious during pregnancy part of that was because I'd heard constantly how hard it all was going to be.

For me, the reality has been better than I could have ever imagined. It's been a compete and utterly pleasure. My baby (8mo) doesn't sleep through, but only wakes briefly for feeds, and because I'm not working (well part time), I'm sleeping more, and more rested than I've ever been in my adult life.

As my baby is getting older, she is getting more demanding, but she's also getting more fun, which offsets that.

Mat leave felt like a really long holiday, and it's just been the most brilliant 8 months of my life. And yes, I take a long bath most days too, and have done since birth.

That being said, I know my experience is not the norm, and if I'd had a more challenging baby, I'd likely feel different.

I understand where the op is coming from - if you have an easy baby, it can feel like scaremongering. However, knowing that it can be hard, and that's normal too is really helpful for many people.

I think it's taboo to really take joy in motherhood, and to say that you enjoy it. I can see why having such a positive experience can be difficult for some though, and that those of us with easy babies need to be sensitive.

I used to be like this. A little bit smug, Imparting ‘wisdom’ on fellow newish mothers. I too had plenty of sleep because my first was a sleeper. She was a great eater too. She was independent from the off, so I never felt that ‘cling’. She was a late walker which meant I could waft around being smug nearly all the time while everyone else ran ragged. I too thought all those people with their scare stories didn’t know what they were talking about.

Then I had my second baby, who behaved in a totally opoosite way. Didn’t sleep. For TWO FUCKING YEARS. Didn’t eat. Clung to me by fistfuls of hair.

I had no idea which way was up. Could barely remember my name. Lost my mind. Literally.

I also assume you haven’t reached Tantrum (I mean, REAL 3/4/5 tantrum) Stage yet. Or the Pedant stage?

Quite frankly, the only time I think any of us should be imparting ‘pearls of wisdom’ is when we hit the twilight years and have a bit of experience under our belt.

But if you tell all expectant mums that it will be fine if they listen to their instincts etc. And then they have a baby who doesn't sleep or doesn't latch or is 'a nightmare' surely they are gonna feel shit.

^ this.

All the pregnant women posting 'thanks for this helpful post!', do you really think it will feel that helpful if you're baby is born and happens to not be one of the 1% or less of babies who never cry and sleep whenever you want them to?

The majority of babies are not 'easy', that's why often the majority of what you hear is not about babies being easy. It's just reality.

Isn't it better to have realistic expectations and then be pleasantly surprised if it's easier? Rather than having idealistic expectations and then feeling devastated when it's so much harder than you'd imagined?

I was the first of my friends to have a baby, the only stories I heard were from members of family who had probably forgotten what having a baby was like so was all very rose tinted 'newborns are easy because they can't move, the only time they're awake is when they're feeding, otherwise they just sleep all the time'.

Boy, was I in for a nasty shock. Baby screamed forever and never slept, I had terrible postnatal anxiety. I wish I'd had a clearer idea of the possibilities, it would still have been hell but would have taken out an element of shock and fear.

I think your op is terribly worded and massively unhelpful to the large majority.

I think the message that should be given to expectant mums is that the experience is very variable and will depend on the baby and most people only have experience of their own children and even that may not be relevant.

I did/do get sick and tired of the horror stories, but they do have their useful side. DD was not an easy baby, she definitely wouldn't have slept long enough for me to have a bath, and when she did sleep it was only on me. But IME each individual baby is easy in some ways and hard in others, and I know I do not struggle with DD as much as some parents do with their children. It was good to hear the horror stories in some ways as they gave me the worst case scenario (all the bad bits) and that meant that DD seems easy in comparison to my expectations.

The parents I know who suffered most were those who thought it would be easy, and then found their baby didn't behave just like their sister/cousin/friends baby and then blamed themselves for the 'failure' to have an easy time

I think the important thing to remember is: it is still very possible to enjoy being a parent and enjoy your baby, even if they are not 'easy'.

The first few months were a bit of a haze for me, but I have really enjoyed the majority of the last 13 months, despite my baby not sleeping longer than 30 minute stretches until very recently. I'm exhausted but still happy and full of love. There are bad days, but that's life.

I do sometimes wonder if these people who say their baby slept though the night are the same people who sleep through their alarm clocks

Sounds like you were getting enough sleep, everything is better when you get enough sleep. I've had 3 dc and one was high needs, one average and one very easy baby.. your op annoys me a bit.. you sound a bit smug and probably naive.

op the core point of your message is valid. People shouldn't say it is inevitable that having a baby will be a negative experience. It is however more likely than not. On average people find having a baby a very negative experience...something akin to getting divorces and being made redundant at the same time (according to some polling done a while back).

I think the key thing you are missing is that sleeping well seems to have a genetic link. So your sample of people in your family is very VERY biased. My family tend to be very good sleepers, but my husbands family are terrible. Our DD was about in the middle, but she has cousins on both sides that span the full range from '3 years old and still hasn't slept more than an hour at a stretch' to 'slept through from birth'.

So yanbu to say not all women will have a terrible experience, but yabu to think the average women will have a good experience.

@Elephant17 that is so so true. On our NCT course, they brought back a recent Mum from a previous course. She'd inarguably had a tough time of it, from a difficult delivery (eventually needed a C section after a lengthy, failed attempt at inducing her), to difficulties with breastfeeding (her baby ultimately got readmitted to hospital as he wasn't feeding enough and eventually she just had to give up on the breast feeding and resort to formula). She was also a single parent. So she really had a tough first few months, but despite all this, she actually still seemed to overall be enjoying it somehow!? She was incredibly philisophical about it all, she acknowledge the tough times and the bad luck she'd had but just seemed to take it all in her stride. I was incredibly in awe of her and rather inspired. Sounds as if you have a fairly similar outlook to her...

Wow! I remember feeling quite smug in those first few months like you OP then it all went pear shaped around 10 months and at just over 2 she still rarely sleeps through the night.

I genuinely believed all babies sleep all the time, especially the first couple of months, until I saw my friend and said I missed the first 6 weeks, loads of baths, baby slept all the time, went out and saw family. My friend said the first 6 weeks were the hardest, baby only slept on someone, wouldn’t go down in Moses basket, screamed most of the day and did not sleep! Every baby is different. Maybe we are the lucky ones, but we’ll probably have horrific toddlers.

Lily Did your DC sleep through 12 hours from 4 weeks and 7/8 from birth?

Just curious

I think the important thing to remember is: it is still very possible to enjoy being a parent and enjoy your baby, even if they are not 'easy'.

Yes! DC1 was not an easy baby at all and I still loved becoming a parent (albeit a stressed and shattered one). I found all the horror stories really unhelpful because they were never useful suggestions anyway, they were just bleak “hohoho, you’ll never sleep again and it’ll be HELL!” stuff.

Can I ask the people who are saying that having a baby is a negative experience akin to divorce etc - do you regret having your children? Would you advise people not to have children based on that? Not being goady, genuine question

OP I'm past the newborn stage stage now but if I'd read your post back when DD was tiny I'd have felt like a terrible mum who was doing everything wrong

And I have loved being a mum and don't regret DD for a second. Doesn't mean it was easy!

I feel so sorry for OP. All the vile posts blaming her for hypothetical suicide, PND, saying they would have been violent towards her, passive aggressively wishing her a hard time when her child gets older/when she has another baby...how lovely.

I just feel like all anybody ever says is how awful it is and this thread has really upset me to be honest. Nobody ever talks about it being worth it or the parts they enjoy they just seem to want to tell you how horrific it is and what an idiot you are for wanting a child. Having been through infertility and IVF I want to be able to enjoy my pregnancy and look forward to meeting my baby but I feel like all anyone wants to do is make me feel like I've made a horrendous mistake

Parenting is like life in general it has it high points and it has its low points. My two have brought me such joy but also given me such low points (through worry and illness) and have had their up and downs.

But it is such a unique experience though

One thing is though no DC should not be seem as an extension of yourself, they should always be seen as independent beings in their own right with their own personalities

Bojangles it’s not a terrible mistake, it’s just it can be hard. Like lots of things in life can be hard but worth it. OP seems to be saying that is fine if you get a baby that sleeps 12 hours and is incredibly easy and not some “nightmare baby”. But nearly all babies will be difficult at times and is NORMAL and they aren’t nightmare babies. Knowing that I’d probably find some things tough didn’t make me hate having a newborn it just made me accept it for what it was. I had many lovely times too and enjoyed it on a whole. But also those who had a hard time for a few months also came out of it and enjoyed their children too. Be realistic but don’t be worried or depressed. And it is never going to helpful 99% of new parents to say a 4 week old can sleep for 12 hours! Babies need to feed through the night in the vast majority of cases, and I think the obsession with sorting out sleepmissies and seeing this waking as a terrible problem massively contributes to new parents stress. Yes you wake up a lot but it’s not something to view as a sign of a “nightmare baby” as OP put it. It’s life with a small baby. And we get through it and we still have love and joy. Don’t worry but do be ready for the massive change I’d say is the best advice. And if it feels like too much talk to someone.

I think you get the impression that having babies is a terrible experience on MN because this is where you come for advice,to know you're not alone.
But the OP has a point.I do remember the comments ,wait until she's teething,a toddler,the terrible 2s etc.But for me it wasn't like that,I was very lucky.
In real life I know very few women who have had all the problems listed here,this is not because they do not exist but because they are 'diluted' and we all have different experiences.
I also appreciate that there are lots of sleep deprived mums on here.y experience was a baby that didn't nap during the day until she was older so it took ages to get out of the house and it was a year before I had a bath instead of a shower but once the initial exhaustion work off she slept 6 hours a night so I was more resilient and relaxed about the rest of it.
So don't slate those who had an easier time than you,don't catastrophies to new mums but be kind and supportive to those having a tough time.