To feel sad for new mums and all the scary comments?

[RelaxEnjoy]

I say this because I suffered terribly with antenatal depression, made horrendously worse by a lot of comments, such as...

"You'll always feel tired"

"BF is so difficult and sore but you'll get through it if that's what you want"

"You will never feel alone again"

Etc etc etc

Sleep deprivation being the biggest comments thrown at me

Here's my experience, expectant mums:

DS slept through from birth, and by 4 weeks was going 12 hour stretches. He still does this, I've never slept so much in my life. He's made me incredibly lazy

He had no issues latching on, and he was tongue tied. I didn't even have so much as a cracked nipple. It was bliss. I wasn't going to breastfeed, everyone made me feel like it would be impossible. I thought DS would sleep better on formula, so said to myself I'd only give him the colostrum. Well I carried on because it was so easy and convenient. Still feeding now

I always had relaxing baths during the early weeks! DS not only slept through but obviously slept a lot during the day because newborns are very sleepy. Whilst he done this, I would enjoy a hot soak in the bath 🛀

I have to schedule this more carefully now he's older as he doesn't nap as much, but I just give him to DH for an hour and have some time to myself.

He is with me all day and I'm rarely by myself, but I think that should be encouraged and natural. I think a DC should work as an extension of you. It isn't something to fear, it's lovely. It's a natural transition from bump to Mum.

I confronted all the commenters now, and remind them what they said to me whilst vulnerable and pregnant. They constantly move the goal post with things like "yeah but wait till". I no longer listen. Don't listen

I'm not saying everything will all go smoothly for you but if there are any hiccups, take them in your stride. Accept and go with it. Listen to your baby, listen to what they need and just go with it

Relax

[Blueskyrain]

Morpheme, that's not typical of lochia, and I hope you got it investigated the time.

Mine was pretty minimal (pads for about 4 days, pantyliner for another 4 days), but I think most people fall somewhere in the middle. Either way, even if it's heavy, for most people it's a period that lasts a few weeks. It's not something for us to get all melodramatic about. In the grand scheme of having a baby, it seems pretty minimal IMO.

[Morphene]

blue yeah...and I've heard for some people labour isn't any more painful than period pains either...

I'm not sure what your point is.

For some people, not all of the symptoms of having a baby are off the chart awful.

For an average person its the worst thing that will have happened in their life.

Maybe we should be overjoyed that women's lives have improved to the point where this is true! We are no longer routinely raped or beaten, and we don't routinely live with painful untreated dental issues or broken bones.

This leaves childbirth and its aftermath as a stand out experience in most of our lives...and for the average woman it is indeed a negative one.

Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst eh?

[HariboBrenshnio]

You're baby is 6 months. My lovely second born was a fab sleeper until she turned 8 months and just stopped. I really wouldn't be so smug, you're still very much in early babyhood and anything can change. My 4 year old slept 7-7 and napped 3 hours until he was 3 and now I can't get him to sleep past 5am.
I'm sorry you felt people scared you about newborns but nothing makes a new sleep deprived mum feel more shit than someone bragging their baby sleeps 12 hours. Hence why this thread went down like a lead balloon.

[HariboBrenshnio]

It's also normal for babies to wake in the night. They need to feed little and often. It's basic newborn survival. I think 4 weeks is far to young to go without needs feeds and I wouldn't have been happy with that. Which is why you were told babies wake in the night..

[Blueskyrain]

Honestly, don't you think telling people that it's the worst thing that'll ever happen to them is scaremongering and a tad melodramatic.

If parenting was that bad, the human race would have died out a long time ago.

Yours is exactly the sort of negativity that puts women off having children. For most, it's not unicorns, but it's also not repeatedly throwing yourself into the fires of hell either. How about accepting that there is a range of experiences, from the positive, to the negative, and everything in between.

Prepare people that it might be hard, but not be unduly pessimistic either,and they might even enjoy it.

[StrawberryMummy90]

Honestly, don't you think telling people that it's the worst thing that'll ever happen to them is scaremongering and a tad melodramatic.

If parenting was that bad, the human race would have died out a long time ago

Don’t think Morphene was referring to parenting when she said it was the worst thing, she meant childbirth. Surprised I even have to explain that. People really don’t read on these threads and make up their own narrative.

Physically I think for the average woman they absolutely would say the pain of childbirth was the worst thing that happened in their life. DD1’s birth destroyed me it was so traumatic I had no idea what was coming because everyone had talked about how amazing and beautiful it is.

DD2 experience was much easier and i have fond memories of it but it was still extremely painful. Most births are, not all, but most.

[Morphene]

thanks strawberry, I was indeed referring to childbirth as the worst experience of most women's lives.

I don't think many of us, either before or after, will be left in uncontrolled pain and have the people around us tell us that's fine by them and perfectly normal.

Have any other sort of abdominal surgery than a C-section and you get treated entirely differently. Its bizarre when you think about it.

I was left after labour in a complete state, drugged up, bleeding everywhere and recovering from a general anaesthetic. If the cause of this had been anything other than childbirth, I would have been cosseted, looked after, told I wasn't allowed to get up, told I needed someone to accompany me to get home etc.

Because it was childbirth I was left on my own with a fecking newborn baby to look after, and then the Bounty woman came around telling me to get out of bed, get my baby sorted out for a photo and would I please hand over my credit card details.

I can't believe how angry it makes me even now, six years later.

[Tootsings]

Well my DC is very similar to the OPs and I too was told not to worry if he was sleeping through. Apparently it was only a worry if low birth weight and not gaining weight!

I made a paediatrician come and see me before discharge because I didn't believe the midwives when they insisted I shouldn't wake DS

I have experienced a sleepless night though - In hospital; on a ward with other mums and their sleepless babies!

[Tootsings]

I don't think many of us, either before or after, will be left in uncontrolled pain and have the people around us tell us that's fine by them and perfectly normal

I had a bleeding ulcer, was vomiting blood heavily, and wasn't even see to for 4 hours in A&E a few years back. That was far worse than labour

I had a third degree tear and back to back labour. No issues with it really though, and I have experienced worse pain. The sheer happiness I felt when I met my son just overtook everything.

My only thought during the stitching up (in theatre), was "I hope no one takes a photo, the lighting in here is terrible!"

Horrendous pregnancy though, sick all the the for the whole duration. But I wouldn't tell a friend "Oh, just you wait until you're sick!" Because not everyone gets sick/nausea etc

[Mammyloveswine]

I have a two year old and 6 week old... i laugh to DH as to how we ever found it hard with one newborn. In reality DS1 was pretty easy... breastfed and did so ALL the time, also fed for at least an hour at a time.
But he did sleep well... until 12 weeks... then he woke every 30 mins to an hour.. every night for about 3 months... we co-slept as was the only way to get sleep. Still loved my maternity leave tho!

DS2 tbh is easier in terms of feeding and will happily sit in bouncy chair or on playgym but wakes every hour or two through the night... im then woken at 6 by the toddler who no longer naps...

But still loving it!

So like others are saying, despite experiences there are times that are hard and times that are amazing and easy. My experience is probably what i expected it to be but i can remember hearing about people who had both easier and much harder experiences than mine...

[Toomanynamestoremember]

I was so grateful for people sharing what having a baby is really like! When I had my DC1 I felt it was normal for a baby not to sleep, normal for breastfeeding to be a great struggle (and it was a horrendous battle and struggle for me and my son). Knowing that I am not the only inadequate mother in the world helped me get through it all. I hardly ate or drank in the first weeks, I couldn’t even make and eat a toast in one sitting. Even if I managed to make myself a cup a tea, it would ALWAYS be stone cold by the time I got to drink it. My DS woke up religiously every 90 mins in the night, hungry, had a wet/dirty nappy, so I would change him, breastfeeding him for 30-40 mins, cajole him to sleep only to be woken up 90 mins later.

I had such an experience that I could not even THINK of having another baby for 2.5 years. When he people asked would I have another one, I replied honestly if I did, I would DIE.

However, my 2nd and 3rd baby were dream babies, slept ok, never an issue with latching on, I could put them down to go to the toilet etc.

It is great if you lucked out and make no mistake, it was exactly that, luck. Some unfortunate souls are sitting there now in fog of sleep deprivation, listening to non-stop crying, with no help from anyone, not even being able to have a wash or have a bite of something as baby would not be put down into the cot/pram. To these women your post is vvv unhelpful. Have some tact and thank your lucky stars! You come across as very smug.

[Toomanynamestoremember]

By the way, I also had antenatal depression in my first pregnancy, in hindsight. But people’s truthful accounts made me kind of prepared for what I was about to experience. Going through the birth, having to work out breastfeeding and how to care for the new baby is hard enough. Thinking that everyone else’s baby sleeps for 12h a night and feeds beautifully can make you feel like a total failure if yours doesn’t. I am pleased people can be honest and truthful these days and actually say out loud that motherhood is not a bed a roses (although it has massive rewards too!)

[roundaboutthetown]

Fact: pregnancy and childbirth are dangerous - even with modern medicine to help, mother and/or baby can die or be seriously harmed by the experience.
Fact: parenthood is a colossal responsibility and with all colossal responsibilities is accompanied at times by colossal stress.
Fact: we reproduce anyway because it is the most amazing, varied, unpredictable, intense and emotional experience we will ever have. It is, after all, what life is all about - you don't continue life without reproduction. You can do other things with your own life, of course, but you can't continue life on into the future any other way. Being too scared to have children rather than not actually wanting them is just taking anxiety to extremes - like being too scared to cross to the other side of the road, because you might get run over on the journey.

[redjoker]

I know OP had very good intentions but reading this post has just made me feel crap about how effing tired I am and how I haven't had a nice long relaxing bath in months

:(

[kirinm]

Red - why has it? Most other posters have attacked the OP suggesting her experience is the opposite to most. Sounds as if you fall in line with the other posters. You're undoubtedly doing fine.

[LittleLionMansMummy]

For an average person its the worst thing that will have happened in their life.

In addition to the above, you also say that this is true for 'most women'. Do you have the statistics to back this up, or is it a sweeping generalisation? Because even the mothers I know who had bad birth experiences would not describe it in these terms. Two close friends had emergency c sections after horrendous problems. They still say that it was a positive experience because they finally got to hold their baby in their arms. Most women I know might well agree that it was the hardest thing they've done, but not the worst.

[ClinkyMonkey]

When I was pregnant with my first, I don't think it mattered much what anyone said to me about the early days of parenthood, because I was yet to experience it myself. Most of the comments went right over my head as it was unexplored territory and I had no yardstick with which to measure those comments. I found out for myself soon enough that my baby preferred being awake to anything else in the world and seemed to have boundless energy despite his lack of sleep. I, on the other hand, was a zombie. Not once did I think back to the comments about how hard or easy it was for others. I was too busy gritting my teeth and getting through it.