To feel sad for new mums and all the scary comments?

[RelaxEnjoy]

I say this because I suffered terribly with antenatal depression, made horrendously worse by a lot of comments, such as...

"You'll always feel tired"

"BF is so difficult and sore but you'll get through it if that's what you want"

"You will never feel alone again"

Etc etc etc

Sleep deprivation being the biggest comments thrown at me

Here's my experience, expectant mums:

DS slept through from birth, and by 4 weeks was going 12 hour stretches. He still does this, I've never slept so much in my life. He's made me incredibly lazy

He had no issues latching on, and he was tongue tied. I didn't even have so much as a cracked nipple. It was bliss. I wasn't going to breastfeed, everyone made me feel like it would be impossible. I thought DS would sleep better on formula, so said to myself I'd only give him the colostrum. Well I carried on because it was so easy and convenient. Still feeding now

I always had relaxing baths during the early weeks! DS not only slept through but obviously slept a lot during the day because newborns are very sleepy. Whilst he done this, I would enjoy a hot soak in the bath 🛀

I have to schedule this more carefully now he's older as he doesn't nap as much, but I just give him to DH for an hour and have some time to myself.

He is with me all day and I'm rarely by myself, but I think that should be encouraged and natural. I think a DC should work as an extension of you. It isn't something to fear, it's lovely. It's a natural transition from bump to Mum.

I confronted all the commenters now, and remind them what they said to me whilst vulnerable and pregnant. They constantly move the goal post with things like "yeah but wait till". I no longer listen. Don't listen

I'm not saying everything will all go smoothly for you but if there are any hiccups, take them in your stride. Accept and go with it. Listen to your baby, listen to what they need and just go with it

Relax

[Flomy]

DD slept through aged 2.

Breastfeeding was horrendous with mastitis amongst other problems.

I had no help at all with her. No family, DP ran off, I wish it had of been a happier time.

[Tootsings]

NewYear You say 'just wait' like the OP already has everything written for her and her DC will end up like your sister's

Exactly the type of thing OP was talking about in her original post

Not helpful and not always rude

[Tootsings]

*true

[Dobbythesockelf]

Yeah a positive attitude would have stopped my baby having reflux..... oh wait no that was medication.
No amount of positive thinking will make a baby sleep, make it eat when it's convenient or stop it being in pain with colic, reflux, teething etc.
All babies are different but trying to say that being positive will make it easier is not going to help the hundreds of women suffering PND.
Let's see if you feel positive 3 days post birth while your hormones are all over the place, your still bleeding and your milk is coming in. Never mind positive stories comments like that are dangerous and blaming mothers for things they can not control.

[Dobbythesockelf]

Oh and I'd just like to say that having a baby was the hardest thing I have ever done but I don't regret it for a second. She is also the most amazing thing I've ever done. The two things are not mutually exclusive.

[StrawberryMummy90]

but clearly if you have a positive mindset about everything you're more likely to have the easier life

leigh I just read your other thread from a few weeks ago, you’re pregnant with your first and overcome with anxiety about your sickness. Infact you even said at the end of your post ‘sorry this isn’t a positive post’

Why don’t you just have a positive mindset then all your sickness and anxiety will go away won’t it hun? Isn’t that how it works...?

Babies can sense negativity and maybe thats why so many people are having such a hard time.

Well thank fuck you came along and told us all what we’re doing wrong! Come back to us in 9 months and let us know how you’re getting on with that utterly stupid theory.

[kirinm]

Some people seem to be spectacularly missing the point. Clearly raising a child is hard but is there nothing positive that you could pass on so those who are pregnant might not get so put off? Obviously no one is suggesting you hide the hard stuff and pretend it's easy but maybe sons positive to balance out the negative.

[Morphene]

Why do people cite 'thinking positively' as an activity people can CHOOSE to engage in?

Why would anyone CHOOSE to think negatively?

Your mental outlook isn't something you choose, though it maybe, over long time periods, something you can influence through behavioural changes.

Other things that aren't actually mental choices include: sexuality; IQ; faith; etc. etc.

But I'm sure someone will rock up and declare you can choose whether you are gay or not, or choose whether you are smart or not, or choose whether you believe in God or not....

[MargaretCavendish]

Let's see if you feel positive 3 days post birth while your hormones are all over the place, your still bleeding and your milk is coming in.

I think this is exactly the sort of thing OP was talking about. You sound so gleeful about the idea that another woman might have a horrible time of it. The post you're responding to is certainly naive, but why do some women feel the need to respond to - god forbid - a bit of naivete or optimism in a pregnant woman with vitriol and wishing the worst on her? People don't do this anything else. I know people who bitterly regret getting married, and they don't tell engaged people that they're going to be miserable. Lots of people I know wouldn't have done a PhD if they could go back in time - but while they might sometimes try and give new PhD students a more balanced view, they don't say 'Oh you're going to be SO MISERABLE and SO TIRED and you're never going to find a job!'. Because it's nasty. Yet lots of people on this thread are doing exactly that, and absolutely rejoicing in the idea of other women suffering.

[Backenette]

They’ve done studies on positive thinking and cancer

The positive people die just as quick as the negative ones.

Being overly positive has disadvantages as does being overly negative. Being realistic is linked to having more success in life

[FaFoutis]

I can't see anyone rejoicing. The are just being honest.

[StrawberryMummy90]

Some people seem to be spectacularly missing the point. Clearly raising a child is hard but is there nothing positive that you could pass on so those who are pregnant might not get so put off? Obviously no one is suggesting you hide the hard stuff and pretend it's easy but maybe sons positive to balance out the negative.

Actually I think you’re spectacularly missing the point. No one is saying it’s right to tell expecting mums their lives are going to be over and they’ll never be happy again etc and to be honest I’ve at some of these posts because I don’t believe that people have been told this in a serious way with nothing positive following.

But reality is, the vast majority of mums will face a problem at newborn stage whether it’s feeding, reflux, sleep, complicated birth etc. There have been posters who have said although they had ‘nightmare’ babies they still enjoyed some parts of the newborn stage and were filled with love for their child.

There needs to be a balance and realistic expectations. Not some smug new mum telling the world how amazing her baby is and how it’s all a walk in the park.

[NewYearNiki]

Babies can sense negativity and maybe thats why so many people are having such a hard time.

The same mentality that leads many dog owners to say my dog is barking and growling at you because it knows you're scared....show it no fear. No. How about you control your fucking animal.

Same with babies. Great way to blame the mother.

[Dobbythesockelf]

I take no joy in others suffering but I don't think it's fair when the vast majority of women struggle to be told that positive thinking will help. I love being a mother but seriously you have to be realistic, Labour usually hurts, baby blues and milk coming in usually happen 3 days post birth. I had no idea about this and wondered what the fuck was wrong with me. It does a disservice to women to pretend that you will feel fine, be soo happy, feel loads of love etc cause it's not always true.
Women put pressure on themselves all the time to be the best mother and then feel like failures when their baby doesn't sleep etc, maybe if we told people it was normal then it might help them.
I also said that having a baby was the most amazing thing I had ever done but we'll just ignore that bit shall we?

[FrozenMargarita17]

@Leigh11

Wooooowwwwwww.

[kirinm]

I don't think the OP is being smug. She suggested posting some comments that weren't all negative. I've had a baby and it may well be that my memory has glossed over all the hardest parts or it may be that I didn't find it that hard (it was 20 years ago so I think it's more likely to be the former) but it would be nice that in with the realism, that there was some optimism too. This thread suggests there is none.

[TheBlindspot]

Hmm. I see what you're trying to do there but it works the other way too. The only experience I'd really had of babies - and it was a fair bit because we're close - was my two closest friends and their six children between them before I had mine.

Five straight forward births, one c-section between them by no issues. Five babies who were pretty much like yours - slept well, fed well, basically did the eat/sleep/poop thing. One had CMPA also was a little harder but that was easily sorted with a prescription milk. Both of them were always out and about. Found motherhood pretty much a breeze. Told me all the time how easy it was - much easier than going to work!

I had an easy pregnancy and was expecting my birth and newborn days to be similar to my friends - after all it's all I knew.

My birth was a three day long horror show of an induction following PROM, with a severe shoulder dystocia for DD, a PPH and retained placenta for me ending on more tears, cuts and stitches than I could count. We were in hospital for a week afterwards. My DD had terrible silent reflux, and never slept. We couldn't breastfeed, even though I tried so hard and had different specialists coming to me almost daily for weeks after the birth. I expressed and mix fed for six months of our desperate guilt to do the 'right thing'. DD hated milk, any milk, due to the reflux. Eating hurt her. So she became bottle averse, and would ONLY feed asleep. Ever. She was also on medication for a separate issue that would cause her to become ill if she didn't eat properly. Awesome, with a feed averse, milk hater. I barely left my house - I'd have to get her to sleep, give her a bottle which would take 2/3 sittings to get a half decent amount in her, then medicate her when she woke. It all took so long that I was in an endless cycle of it most days. I also had to dreamfeed her at night because of me medication until she was almost 13 months, she couldn't go longer than 4 hours without a feed, even then.

Her first year was without a doubt the hardest thing I've ever endured. I'm a SAHM. I have never felt so shit at anything in my life. Why was no one else struggling like me?

She's two now, off all medication and an absolute breeze of a toddler generally, I'm actually expecting number two - but this time I'm going in with my eyes wide open, and expecting it to be hard (though an ELCS this time may give us a slightly easier start). If I get an easy one this time I'll be over the moon and pleasantly surprised. I think I deserve one really - that's how it works, right ?

[selftitledalbum]

[StrawberryMummy90]

but it would be nice that in with the realism, that there was some optimism too. This thread suggests there is none

Of course there is, read the replies there’s so many posters saying how they wouldn’t change a thing. It’s offensive to suggest that those who have had a bad time and offer a more realistic view of motherhood have no optimism whatsoever. Utter bullshit.

[Blueskyrain]

Let's see if you feel positive 3 days post birth while your hormones are all over the place, your still bleeding and your milk is coming in.

Not everyone gets the baby blues. Most due, and it's essential that we know we will probably get them, but again, you're assuming everyone's experiences are the same.

I felt on top of the world in day 3. I was expecting to crash and feel down, like everyone said I would, but I felt like a unicorn bouncing between clouds.

Ps: I don't know why people make a big deal of bleeding. We're women. We are used to periods, and it was just a long period. It doesn't need melodrama.

[Buglife]

There’s loads of optimism in with the realism on this thread. As much as people say “good on you OP these awful mothers here who hate their kids should shut up” many people have simply said it is hard and it is NOT NORMAL AT ALL for a 4 week old to sleep through the night for 12 hours and people should know that. Also that in with the pain and tiredness is overwhelming love and joy. Some people have also opened up about suffering from crippling PND but let’s just bash them for not “thinking positive” shall we ffs.

[Morphene]

16 weeks of passing clots is not something I experience monthly...I mean you can't even fit 16 weeks into a month....

[kirinm]

Please don't confuse me (deliberately or otherwise) with the person who suggested positive thinking or lack of is why people find it hard. That isn't what I said.

[Tootsings]

Women put pressure on themselves all the time to be the best mother and then feel like failures when their baby doesn't sleep etc, maybe if we told people it was normal then it might help them

The thing is, that's all I've ever been told/heard about new babies. That you don't sleep.

I think it is trotted out quite a bit actually

[Dobbythesockelf]

But generally speaking babies don't sleep. It's not like people are making it up. Out of all the babies I know only one of them slept through the night from very young. People aren't saying it to scare people it's just most people's experience of babies. If your baby sleeps then great but for the vast majority of babies, night time feeding is the norm.