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Original poster

To feel sad for new mums and all the scary comments?

292 replies

RelaxEnjoy · 18/02/2018 15:52

I say this because I suffered terribly with antenatal depression, made horrendously worse by a lot of comments, such as...

"You'll always feel tired"

"BF is so difficult and sore but you'll get through it if that's what you want"

"You will never feel alone again"

Etc etc etc

Sleep deprivation being the biggest comments thrown at me Hmm

Here's my experience, expectant mums:

DS slept through from birth, and by 4 weeks was going 12 hour stretches. He still does this, I've never slept so much in my life. He's made me incredibly lazy Blush

He had no issues latching on, and he was tongue tied. I didn't even have so much as a cracked nipple. It was bliss. I wasn't going to breastfeed, everyone made me feel like it would be impossible. I thought DS would sleep better on formula, so said to myself I'd only give him the colostrum. Well I carried on because it was so easy and convenient. Still feeding now Smile

I always had relaxing baths during the early weeks! DS not only slept through but obviously slept a lot during the day because newborns are very sleepy. Whilst he done this, I would enjoy a hot soak in the bath 🛀

I have to schedule this more carefully now he's older as he doesn't nap as much, but I just give him to DH for an hour and have some time to myself.

He is with me all day and I'm rarely by myself, but I think that should be encouraged and natural. I think a DC should work as an extension of you. It isn't something to fear, it's lovely. It's a natural transition from bump to Mum.

I confronted all the commenters now, and remind them what they said to me whilst vulnerable and pregnant. They constantly move the goal post with things like "yeah but wait till". I no longer listen. Don't listen

I'm not saying everything will all go smoothly for you but if there are any hiccups, take them in your stride. Accept and go with it. Listen to your baby, listen to what they need and just go with it

Relax Thanks

OP posts:
ChickenMe · 19/02/2018 12:33

The thing is the way society is set up now makes it all much harder. Many new mums are isolated with no family around. This feels even worse if you're exhausted. Everything looks grey if you're so tired you're afraid to drive.
Wet nursing would've been so helpful as my baby didn't really take a bottle after a certain point. I'm pretty sure in a more primitive society a sister/aunt/friend who still had milk would've given you a break.

Worlds0kayestmum · 19/02/2018 12:40

I have to say, I have struggled a little with your post, OP. I understand what you're trying to say but reading it as the mum of a 9 month old, ex 31 weeker who was in NICU for a month and still wakes me every hour through the night, it comes across as very smug and condescending.
I'm happy that your experience is so positive but for me, the solidarity of hearing from other mums that their baby is also yet to sleep through, won't wean, can't let them out of their sight etc helps me feel a little less close to the edge. Most days I veer from 'what the hell have I done, I've ruined my life' to being head over heels in love and back again. Talking and hearing other women's less than positive experiences give me validation that I'm not in this alone

NoMudNoLotus · 19/02/2018 12:48

Dont worry OP your child wont always sleep through beautifully. I promise you that.

FernLove · 19/02/2018 12:53

I appreciate your post, OP.
I am not a mother yet and to be honest it is quite nice to read a positive insight for a change instead of a negative, scaremongering list of things that ruin your life when you have a baby.

kirinm · 19/02/2018 13:02

I appreciate what you are trying to do OP. I'm finding some of the things I read utterly terrifying. Women I follow on Instagram too constantly talk about how hard it is. I've done it behind but I did it a very long time ago and this time I'm really scared.

kirinm · 19/02/2018 13:06

I meant I've done it before - but that was before the Internet was accessible to normal people and I didn't have access to so much information and opinion.

broken4 · 19/02/2018 13:13

I think the OP is in fairyland. Plenty experience tells me Bf can hurt like hell some days.

Newborns should not be left to sleep all night with no milk. I would expect a responsible mother to let us know exactly which professionals told her this would ok.
We could report them to their board for dishing out this poor advice before it costs a life.

OliviaPopeRules · 19/02/2018 13:15

Given you say your mum, gran and lots of your family and friends had the same positive experience with babies as you have had where were all the negative comments coming from when you were pregnant? Surely if they all had such a positive experience they were telling you all about how great it was especially if they knew you had antenatal depression.
I didn't experience people saying how bad it was to have a baby when I was pregnant but I also didn't go out of my way looking for them (by reading forums where people might be looking for advice etc). Maybe because you were depressed you were predisposed to seeing only the negative in peoples comments and what you were reading.
It's great for you that everything has gone so well. just bear in mind there will be people on here who have 6 month olds who haven't slept properly for months and don't necessarily have the kind of supportive DH you have.

halfwitpicker · 19/02/2018 13:18

Good for you OP.

gussyfinknottle · 19/02/2018 13:20

My problem is that nobody told me in practical terms how difficult it would be and just laughed when I said I needed help.

MinorDelays · 19/02/2018 13:29

You've made me feel hugely better!

I have had serious anxiety over having a baby, and delayed and agonised over it due to all the negativity. I have just discovered I'm 6 weeks pregnant, and whilst I should be really excited - I have also been filled with dread - so many people (pre TTC) have said 'You don't know what tiredness feels like until you have children' - and other such things. I know they mean well, but it has left me really, really doubting having children and feeling pretty miserable in all honesty.

The negativity has made me feel that having a baby would destroy all future opportunities for me, that I would never be able to relax again, have time to myself or see places in the world. I have made a huge leap of faith and just hope people will be positive about it.

WaitingTillJuly17 · 19/02/2018 13:30

I’ve not RTFT but actually OP I find this post gives me a glimmer of hope! I’m expecting my first and whilst I’m not expecting sunshine and lollipops by any means, the sheer amount of posts about difficult babies not sleeping or the ones where people say they wouldn’t choose to have children if they went back (particularly stress inducing), or that they’re so tired that their relationship has fallen to pieces really have made me more anxious than perhaps I ought to be. Of course I understand that people aren’t going to be posting on here if they have a perfect baby who feeds and sleeps like a dream but when you’re hormonal it’s hard to rationalise that way! It even came to a point where my husband said that perhaps I shouldn’t be on MN as it seems to be doing more harm than good.

Sorry you’re being jumped on OP, but I have found your post useful at least!

Momo18 · 19/02/2018 13:30

Hmm, I don't see how your OP will help women to be honest.
I have three DC, all different. One child was easy, but that's because he was an easy child. If I had told struggling mother's that like your doing now then they would feel shit and resentment about their situation if their child isn't sleeping, screaming all day etc.

I've since had a screaming, colicky, refusing feeds baby, I've known sleep deprivation at its worst level and now I have three DC, well it's a struggle at times. I think it's important women express the struggles tbh, so other mother's know they arent failing and it's the norm. I don't agree with scare mongering though, but honest conversations about mutual struggles is good for the soul!

Leigh11 · 19/02/2018 13:31

I love this post!!

It's good to see people saying good things! Ignore all the negative comments. I think people do have it differently, but clearly if you have a positive mindset about everything you're more likely to have the easier life

Babies can sense negativity and maybe thats why so many people are having such a hard time.

Well done you!

EssentialHummus · 19/02/2018 13:43

happy that you're having such a lovely experience but if your post is designed to reassure other new mothers I suspect it will have the opposite effect.

This is my feeling too. I’m speaking as the mum of a 5 month old. I don’t feel reassured. I mainly feel aggrieved that my beautiful daughter is feeling ill/itchy and is a whingy mess through lack of sleep, despite my optimistic disposition and endless research into what might help her.

EssentialHummus · 19/02/2018 13:45

Babies can sense negativity and maybe thats why so many people are having such a hard time.

Can they sense stupidity too, do you reckon?

ChickenMe · 19/02/2018 13:45

"Babies can sense negativity and maybe that's why so many people are having such a hard time"
Ffs seriously? Would you actually say this to someone's face?

SeeKnievelHitThe17thBus · 19/02/2018 13:45

OP, I wouldn't bring older relatives int oyour arguments about sleeping. The baby-rearing routines of the past, feeding every 4 hours and pushed out in the pram in the garden between, meant babies were left to cry in a way that your DS was not. Not a fair comparison.

You are lucky that you had a baby who slept. As you're finding parents like me, whose DS once in 6 months slept as long at 3.5 hours and was told by the midwives in hospital the he should be asleep when he was lying there watching them walk past, are equally unimpressed by your posts as by the alternative. If you don't have a guarenteed technique or a magic wand, hey look at my baby he's slept 12 hours a night from birth is bound to get up people's noses if they're managing on 3 x 20 minute naps a night.

I'm minded of my mum's friend who had a second child. He was referred to as the 2nd child that, if he'd been the first one there wouldn't have been a 2nd. I'm 18 weeks pregnant with our 2nd, but it took me 3 years to get to a point where I felt able to try, and another 5 years to get the pregnancy. I guess there's a cat in hell's chance I'll get one like yours, but from my experience I can only think of 2 mothers who had good sleepers, and 10s of them who's children were middling / poor / downright atrocious sleepers so the odds aren't great.

Good luck with your 6 month old OP. The baby I had who didn't sleep - he didn't eat, feed from a bottle, read or write when he was meant to either. Here's hoping weaning and potty training go equally as well for you - really. You're only at the start of a very long roat with a lot of other hurdles to work through.

Spikeyball · 19/02/2018 13:46

"Babies can sense negativity and maybe thats why so many people are having such a hard time."

Lovely bit of blaming there.

IHATEPeppaPig · 19/02/2018 13:47

@Leigh11 I do hope you're being sarcastic Hmm

scrappysquirrel · 19/02/2018 13:49

clearly if you have a positive mindset about everything you're more likely to have the easier life

Wow. Just wow. Utterly clueless! 😂

Leigh11 · 19/02/2018 13:56

You tell me :)

NewYearNiki · 19/02/2018 13:59

This site put me off children. It sounds utterly horrible.

As for the op. She only has one.

Even people who dont have dc know that no 2 babies are alike.

Save this thread op as your next one may be a screamer.

Momo18 · 19/02/2018 13:59

jk He's 6 months

You have one child, 6 months old.. your hardly in a position to comment tbh op. My first and second changed a lot over the years!

NewYearNiki · 19/02/2018 14:02

Oh and one of my sisters sons was the most laid back sleepy easy to feed babies around.

He's a bloody nightmare now with food, sleep, pretty much everything.

Just wait

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