To feel sad for new mums and all the scary comments?

[RelaxEnjoy]

I say this because I suffered terribly with antenatal depression, made horrendously worse by a lot of comments, such as...

"You'll always feel tired"

"BF is so difficult and sore but you'll get through it if that's what you want"

"You will never feel alone again"

Etc etc etc

Sleep deprivation being the biggest comments thrown at me

Here's my experience, expectant mums:

DS slept through from birth, and by 4 weeks was going 12 hour stretches. He still does this, I've never slept so much in my life. He's made me incredibly lazy

He had no issues latching on, and he was tongue tied. I didn't even have so much as a cracked nipple. It was bliss. I wasn't going to breastfeed, everyone made me feel like it would be impossible. I thought DS would sleep better on formula, so said to myself I'd only give him the colostrum. Well I carried on because it was so easy and convenient. Still feeding now

I always had relaxing baths during the early weeks! DS not only slept through but obviously slept a lot during the day because newborns are very sleepy. Whilst he done this, I would enjoy a hot soak in the bath 🛀

I have to schedule this more carefully now he's older as he doesn't nap as much, but I just give him to DH for an hour and have some time to myself.

He is with me all day and I'm rarely by myself, but I think that should be encouraged and natural. I think a DC should work as an extension of you. It isn't something to fear, it's lovely. It's a natural transition from bump to Mum.

I confronted all the commenters now, and remind them what they said to me whilst vulnerable and pregnant. They constantly move the goal post with things like "yeah but wait till". I no longer listen. Don't listen

I'm not saying everything will all go smoothly for you but if there are any hiccups, take them in your stride. Accept and go with it. Listen to your baby, listen to what they need and just go with it

Relax

I had two polar opposite experiences.

DC1’s first year felt like one long traumatic endurance test, from labour onwards. Mainly due to eczema and allergies and the associated screaming and sleeplessness. Most of my ‘free’ time when he wasn’t screaming was spent incessantly googling and researching his condition and going to appointments.

DC2 is an absolute dream. Still waking once or twice a night at 9 months but only for half an hour, very predictable, no screaming ever, happy baby. So easy.

The thing that annoys me now is the comment “oh it’s because you’re more relaxed with your second isn’t it?” Even from people who knew about DC1’s issues —this means you mil—. I scream inside.

I think it’s good to be warned of both bad and good outcomes.

Most people have a tough time somewhere along the way, whether it’s the birth, recovery, feeding, sleeping, reflux, eczema etc.

"Pfbs" not "pen "and apologies for lack of paragraphs.
I guess I am tired.....

op.. I would love to know how old your DC is?

Mine is now 10. I loved the baby years with my DC but he never slept through till he was 4 and now at 10 still isn't a great sleeper.You telling me your DC sleeps through would of not made me feel any sense of happiness.
Like most things nothing is black and white.You paint this rosy picture which is no more helpful than an all dome and gloom picture.

My DS even when asleep would wake( and cry) when I left the room ( he had a 6th sense) so yes he was an extension of me but it wasn't something I put in the positive side.

There are lots of things you never experience till you actually become a parent.. prolonged lack of sleep is horrific and yes you are fortunate you haven't experienced it but people who have experienced it because never forget which is why they talk about it. The sense of love and responsibility you feel is something I have never experienced for some that can feel overwhelming for some it is easy to embrace.

There are many challenges you will face as a parent and when you do you will appreciate those who have been through it and able to support you.

Oh and OP my DC2 slept through the night from 4 weeks turned 7 months and had a short period of illness has turned him into the clingiest and as bad a sleeper as DC1.

I was so ecstatic when my first was born, I absolutely loved it. However, the sleep deprivation, holy cow, if I’d have read this post back then... I can’t even say how it would have made me feel! I used to want to actually hurt people who told me about their amazing sleepers!

RelaxEnjoy - you come across worse with every post. You do realise, don't you, that to those who are struggling with motherhood, your last post could come across very strongly as saying that all their problems are their fault for not following their own instincts, or not having any natural mothering instinct to follow? I think you need to accept that your experience of not talking to your own parents and believing everything your negative inlaws told you before you gave birth has not automatically made you a helpful voice for other mothers - especially given the fact that what you learnt was not to listen to other people's advice, anyway!!

You're definitely smug, OP, which is probably natural given how smoothly the new baby phase has gone for you. The thing that gets on people's tits, I think, is that there is an obvious flip side to your implication that instinctive, relaxed mothering is responsible for your contented baby, i.e. those of us who got woken up and screamed at lots are/ were doing it wrong. Which is fully goady of
you, whether you mean it consciously or not. Be smug quietly, I reckon. This thread has illustrated that, on the whole, people don't find your spiel useful.

I've got to stop looking at this thread because it isn't helping me.

But I will say one last thing, OP: I hope that you never ever feel like I do. Because if you did, you would never say these sort of things to people who potentially aren't having a lovely time of it.

PND is a nasty thing but so are people who imply that if your baby doesn't sleep/isn't calm etc that it's because you aren't following your instincts.

My instinct was that I loved my baby so much that I would never be good enough for her. It doesn't mean I was bad at it or that it was my fault that she was refluxy and struggled to keep milk down, or that she wouldn't sleep at all. In fact it made me try even harder.

I'll stop there because I'm close to tears.

Please just think about the things you are posting.

I think what I was told was more accurate for my experience. The birth being the worst ever pain, but forgotten as soon as it was over. I have never felt so tired and alone in my life, despite never having a second to myself. But that half an hour after a nap when she's smiley and playing, it's like my world just stops. If i try and explain my life to someone without a child it might seem negative, it is the hardest, most mentally and physically taxing thing I have ever done, but it is so worth it. I can't even put into words how worth it it can be.

She doesn't sleep. She doesn't even take naps some days. I don't have time to eat. I don't have time to pee. She was so colicky for the first 6 weeks, even my own mother, who has raised 5 kids of her own, commented on how difficult she was. She has reflux and is an early teether. She hates sleeping on anyone but me meaning this whole "sleep when the baby sleeps" is the biggest scam to hit mankind. I spent most of the first 6 weeks crying because I did not have a clue what I was doing and was so sleep deprived it's unreal. But what you then do is adapt. My baby is not an extension of me but I adapt to fit her into my life.

OP I personally appreciated the warnings I had before I had my child. I have always preferred to "hope for the best, prepare for the worst". My DC was extremely premature (so my worst was even worse than I could have imagined).

When we finally got home I spent much of my day holding my child to settle her and constantly feeding as she only slept in short bursts and cried A LOT. However, the point is that although it was exhausting and I was in a fugue for most of my days I had expected this and was still able to enjoy my time with her.

I was grateful for the things that I didn't experience (nipple soreness, PND, lack of bonding).

If I had expected the TV/magazine version of early parenthood I feel my mental health would have suffered as I would not have been able to achieve the impossible standards.

I was relaxed and I did enjoy but that was because I knew what I might have to experience. I will continue to share my true experience of the bad and good bits of having a baby to those expecting as the majority of people experience something in between our experiences..

I totally disagree with everything in your post. Nobody told me truthfully what it would be like. 'You'll be really tired' and 'breastfeeding can be really hard' we're 1% for me of how horrific it was.

I adored my baby but pretty much hated every single second of the first six months. Since then I've enjoyed maybe 30% of my time and really struggle the rest.

Nobody warned me there are 'high needs' babies that cry or whine literally 80% of the time they're awake and even at seven months old can't be put down for more than 3 minutes without whining.

If somebody had seriously told me how bad it could be, I really think it wouldn't have hit me so hard and the horrible PND cloud that lingered over me for ages wouldn't have been there.

DS slept through from birth, and by 4 weeks was going 12 hour stretches. He still does this, I've never slept so much in my life. He's made me incredibly lazy 

Literally nothing worse than a mum who brags about how much their baby sleeps on a site that is full of mum's looking to get help to get their baby to sleep. I mean. Seriously. Come. On.

What a smug twat you are OP you got LUCKY. That’s all. Sleep deprivation is horrendous and affects every aspect of parenting for most, it’s very rare for a baby to sleep through from birth and also dangerous. You said you asked many health professionals if it was ok to let your DC sleep through but I thought you didn’t listen to any advice and followed your instinct? Lol idiot.

I think any decent mother would genuinely have been concerned their baby was sleeping for 12 hours with no milk in their little tummy and regardless of what professionals said would of dreamfed or woken baby up for at least one feed from fear of dehydration.

didn't much listen to any advice at all blush Call me mad but I found listening to my own instincts and what my baby wanted far easier

Sorry, so now people who listen or shock, horror take advice from other people aren’t listening to what their baby wants? You are seriously pathetic OP. I have 2 DC and I’m coping just fine now but I wasn’t when I had DD1 and reading your post would have seriously affected my mental health.

Your only DC is 6 months and you think you have it all figured out. Ha ha.

Haven't quite read all the replies since I've been gone away but Strawberry how bloody rude!

Calling me a smug twat and then saying it's dangerous to allow my baby to sleep through from 12 hours from 4 weeks

It's not dangerous at all, medical advice on more than one occasion has reassured me of that

I couldn't wake my DS if I tried. I once got very scared and insisted my GP take bloods. He did and always fine, and I kept being reassured to stop worrying and never wake a sleeping baby

I think any decent mother would genuinely have been concerned their baby was sleeping for 12 hours with no milk in their little tummy and regardless of what professionals said would of dreamfed or woken baby up for at least one feed from fear of dehydration

So I'm not a decent mother? Classy

I’ve had a perfect baby and all everyone says now I’m expecting again is how awful the next one will be and yes it’s filling me with anxiety that I’m spoilt and won’t cope. But now I think about it it’s not a given is it? There’s not a law that says one must have one easy child and one horror, so actually OP I appreciate what you’re trying to say. Comments from others that are purely pontificating are unhelpful when you’re expecting.

Rumple they are still perfect even if more demanding, don't worry.

You shouldn't be telling people and giving unsolicited medical advice to new mums that it is perfectly normal for a tiny newborn baby to sleep for 12 hours without a drink and for them to be hard to rouse, as for most babies this definitely wouldn't be normal and would be a cause for serious concern. I'm starting to wonder if you are actually telling the truth, especially as you say you're baby is ebf. You should think before you post.

@starlight2345 can I detail and ask what happened with your 10 Yo to make them able to sleep alone? My DD1 was an ok ish sleeper but she would not, and at 4 will not, sleep alone. We cracked and realised the only way for her to sleep was bed sharing. I hate it and she still won’t sleep alone. Incidentally DD2 isn’t at all like this so I put it down to nature not nurture: I would still like it to end though

How about we tell expectant mothers how to cope with the negatives and hope they find their baby as easy as you have OP and don’t need any tips from us war hardened mothers? Seems to me that it’s far more useful to prepare for the worst than it is to top up on bath foam and assume everything will go swimmingly.

I ebf both my children. DS5 was pretty text book, slept quite a lot, cried a lot, breast feeding was difficult at first then fine. DS2 didn’t sleep. I was hallucinating at one stage with lack of sleep. I would cry at the drop of a hat, breast feeding was painful and juggling both children was fucking scary with no outside support. But once he hit 6 months and I moved him into his own room things got easier and now he has just turned 2 he’s a diamond.

You are a smug twat I’m certainly not in the minority in thinking that! I also think it’s crass to reply to the few posters who are applauding your post and ignore the ones who are currently going through depression and telling you your posts have almost reduced them to tears.

I do not have PND but I did with DD1 and I think your posts get worse and worse, smugger and smugger.

And yes I think it’s dangerous for a baby who has just been born to sleep through with no milk in their system. Thats what you said, from birth slept through. That’s at least 8-9 hours with no milk. Unless your version of sleeping through is 5-6 hours in which case you have exaggerated.

As for the decent mother comment - you’re right I shouldn’t of said that. I don’t know you so can’t say if you’re a decent mum although I don’t know any parents who would of let their newborn sleep through with no milk personally.

One thing I can say for certainty - you are smug and deeply insensitive.

You didn’t answer me - do you think people who take advice do not respond naturally to their baby’s needs?

The problem here is everyone’s experiences are so so so different.
I always feel uncomfortable sharing my utterly horrific birth story with women who have never had children, so I don’t. What help is it to them? It isn’t. So I keep it to myself/discuss with people who have completed their family.
But I can see how on the other side people telling you their birth was fantastic/breastfeeding a dream/baby sleeps through from weeks old could and would be another trigger for new mums feeling anxious/insecure.

Ultimately all of these comments made by other people, I think can contribute to post natal depression and anxiety. In my experience this happens because you worry bout things before the birth, and because afterwards your experience may be nothing what you expected.
I’m no expert and would stand corrected by someone who knows more, but I think when hormones are raging for pregnant/post Natal women, you don’t need to hear there is no hope and it’s all horrific. You also don’t need to here how well everyone else is doing with their ‘perfect babies’.
It’s difficult finding a middle ground.

You can’t be that dense to not realise that bragging about how much sleep you get with your baby and how easy it all is, is going to ruffle some feathers? When majority have the opposite experience and struggle.

It's funny because I was given the exact opposite advice from medical professionals about my ebf baby sleeping through for 12 hours at 8 weeks old. I was told to wake her up and feed her every night!

My dd is now almost 1 and is still sleeping through the night like an angel. However she's a demanding clingy diva during the day and runs me ragged. I have 3 DC they've all been different in every way.

If you have a problem with your in laws perhaps take it up with them instead of coming on here talking utter smug goady shit to make yourself feel better.

Also, perhaps you should think twice before you dish out dangerously inaccurate medical advice on newborn babies.

How lovely for you OP, but this hasn't been my experience at all. I don't think I had any idea how hard motherhood would be prior to having my DD (who is almost 9 months old). Comments from friends/family didn't phase me and I have a nephew who is the world's best sleeper. Somehow I convinced myself that my baby would be exactly the same. However, DD's sleep is worse now than it was when she was 3-4 months of age and I haven't had a full night's sleep since she was born. I have no family support as my mum passed away 3 years ago and I miss her massively. I find motherhood quite lonely and isolating and am looking forward to getting back to work. My OH and I have nobody to call on for babysitting so haven't had a night out together in 9 months and can't see that changing anytime soon.