To feel sad for new mums and all the scary comments?

[RelaxEnjoy]

I say this because I suffered terribly with antenatal depression, made horrendously worse by a lot of comments, such as...

"You'll always feel tired"

"BF is so difficult and sore but you'll get through it if that's what you want"

"You will never feel alone again"

Etc etc etc

Sleep deprivation being the biggest comments thrown at me

Here's my experience, expectant mums:

DS slept through from birth, and by 4 weeks was going 12 hour stretches. He still does this, I've never slept so much in my life. He's made me incredibly lazy

He had no issues latching on, and he was tongue tied. I didn't even have so much as a cracked nipple. It was bliss. I wasn't going to breastfeed, everyone made me feel like it would be impossible. I thought DS would sleep better on formula, so said to myself I'd only give him the colostrum. Well I carried on because it was so easy and convenient. Still feeding now

I always had relaxing baths during the early weeks! DS not only slept through but obviously slept a lot during the day because newborns are very sleepy. Whilst he done this, I would enjoy a hot soak in the bath 🛀

I have to schedule this more carefully now he's older as he doesn't nap as much, but I just give him to DH for an hour and have some time to myself.

He is with me all day and I'm rarely by myself, but I think that should be encouraged and natural. I think a DC should work as an extension of you. It isn't something to fear, it's lovely. It's a natural transition from bump to Mum.

I confronted all the commenters now, and remind them what they said to me whilst vulnerable and pregnant. They constantly move the goal post with things like "yeah but wait till". I no longer listen. Don't listen

I'm not saying everything will all go smoothly for you but if there are any hiccups, take them in your stride. Accept and go with it. Listen to your baby, listen to what they need and just go with it

Relax

I appreciate this post! I get that people here are saying it might make some people feel bad but ALL I seem to see is people telling me how hideous my life will be, how miserable I will be, that my marriage will suffer, that we will hate each other, that I will never sleep, etc etc and it is horrible, upsetting and depressing! I don't understand why we can only focus on the negative and think OP has done a good thing with this post!

TheDoggy no waist length hair cutting over here! I would find a shorter cut a pain in the area to keep styled

TheLampShade you May well have no issues at all! And even if you do, you'll manage it as of when. No need for all the scare. "You'll never cope" and "I was a mess at that stage" is incredibly rude

I don't think there's anything wrong with admitting to new mums that it may be very hard, but what is wrong is removing the 'may' and saying 'it will be very hard'

That to me isn't productive or nice

I agree with RedforFilth. I do think that while those comments might have made you feel bad and apprehensive, in a sense you got a pleasant surprise. It’s worse to be told these things aren’t a problem and then have a baby who wakes 6 time a night until they’re 2.

But I appreciate you’re trying to give a different perspective to help.

Ironic that you felt other people weren't supportive of you and then your post is all about how much easier you found it than expected.

I think as a mum-to-be, it is good to hear a wide range of experiences and to not expect anything, have no rigid plan and 'go with the flow'.

It's better to expect the worst than think it will all be easy and find it is crap. I find you post rather smug I wish someone had warned me of all the bad things that could happen, the DVT I got when pregnant, having to inject myself twice a day, nearly bleeding to death when my daughter was five days old, being very sick, I never expected any of that but at least I knew being a parent could be hard, you make it sound so easy lucky you.

OP how old is your DC your describing?? I have 2 theories your either lucky or your kids aren't of preschool age and your looking back with rose tinted glasses on!!!

Sorry but I'm 15 months in to the job, most of the time it's bliss and happiness, sometimes we scream all night with a new tooth refuse to eat what we loved yesterday, was a newborn that people referred to as a screamer, got looked down on for using a dummy to soothe her and after 6 months no one gave a hoot if I BF or FF they just asked is she crawling yet.
Your post was meant to be reassuring to new mums that it's not as bad as they say but for the most that read this we will be wading deep in sicky/dirty laundry piles tackling life with a normal baby that cries a bit.

Good for you. Come back when you've had another....or when your current is 5 years old. Cause... you know... things change. That brilliant sleeper as a newborn becomes the toddler who needs taking back too bed 30 times a night...or the teen who goes out and misses their curfew.
No one gets an easy ride in parenthood... it's a never ending wave of highs and lows

You had good intentions op I can see that! I didn’t suffer sleep deprivation either and just took it in my stride. I remember saying on here that Ds was sleeping 9-7 at 10 weeks old and was made to feel like I was doing something wrong and that he should be feeding so clearly it wasn’t right. I also remember saying he didn’t nap a lot as a small person and he still doesn’t loads at 18m. He did sleep 13 hours last night however.

I’ve also always managed a hot drink, to get dressed and made up most days and to get out of the house quickly. I do only have one and he’s been a joy - if I had another they may not be. This one is however.

It’s not always as horrendous as people say.

I don't understand why when someone tries to say something positive about child rearing they are shot down and told that it will change, they just haven't experienced the worst yet, or otherwise undermined. Maybe they just have a more positive outlook and don't focus on all the negatives and maybe that should be encouraged? Really sad that people just want to tear this down and make expectant mums feel like shit

I get the sentiment of your post and I wholeheartedly agree that people should not be making statements as facts when it can upset people.

But don't you see that you just did that very same thing? Your post came across as less "it can also be this way" and more "I've done it right/it's this way in my family". Actually it's luck of the draw.

I've had two babies and did EXACTLY the same with both of them. My first slept through from day 1 and had very long naps during the day and slept readily and easily. My second refused sleep to the point that I was getting about an hour a night and very nearly ended up with pnd. I did nothing different. Probably my cumuppance for being so smug about how easy it was the first time around, as if it was something to do with the way I had parented.

The point is, no you shouldn't worry about what it might be like with the nexg one and you shouldn't take on board the comments of people who want to put the fear of God into you, but do take a pragmatic view that things might not be the same the second time around, for your own sanity.

That’s your interpretation of being a new Mum and I think far more unhelpful than the quotes you mentioned, I’m sat with my newborn who doesn’t sleep, I can’t take a bath or wash my hair and breastfeeding has been a nightmare if I wasn’t a Mum already I’d be pretty sad and upset by your comments, thinking I was a bad Mum. When people use comments such as ‘you will always feel tired’ I believe they are meant to be helpful so other Mums don’t feel alone in being tired or feel bad about being tired.

Tbh OP, as mother of a 7 month old. I found your post unhelpful too.

I do think 12 hour stretches of sleep for babies so young are very rare and your quoted 3 examples of babies who are good sleepers aren't really a representative sample of the thousands of babies that are born each year.
The fact is a lack of sleep can lead to many further issues for parents such a relationship problems, health issues, depression and inability to cope with work.
Did you consider that your positive experience is largely due to the fact that you were well rested throughout?

I think a more helpful approach would be to say ' don't compare your babies to others' or better still 'don't compare to my experience as in all fairness most babies don't sleep very well and your not doing anything wrong it's just how it can be sometimes!'

I agree. I wish I’d heard more positive things when I was pregnant. All I got was comments that I’d never sleep again, never go to the toilet alone, never have a minute to myself etc. People would tell you this with an almost malicious, gleeful look and I just found it odd. Now I have my baby none of that is true. Yes my life has changed a lot but so much for the better and I am lucky to have a brilliant sleeper. I found the comments a bit terrifiyinh when I was pregnant so would have loved to hear more positive things

Also, sleeping through from so young is a little dangerous surely? As they need the nutrition. My son didn't sleep too bad as a baby but still doesn't sleep through aged 3 so maybe I'm getting it all wrong!

I was not trying to be smug at all in my OP I know I may well not be lucky again if I was to have another DC! I'm under no illusion that I'm better at the job, I'm certainly not. I was just trying to express how many babies are too and that you may well be the same and not have any trouble

Of course babyhood is downright difficult for a lot of women but not everyone. It isn't a guarantee that you'll get a bad sleeper, a colicky reflux baby, a toddler who is beyond difficult.

You may even have a mixture of all these things, good and bad

Perhaps I didn't write the OP very well. But I really was just trying to express that nightmare babies aren't a given

@RelaxEnjoy so you never said how old your DC is??

Your OP is shockingly unaware.
I agree that negative comments aren't helpful but neither are new mum's who harp on about how easy they find it all and what fabulous mothers they are.
You know that some people love being pregnant and feel really happy and calm throughout their pregnancies? Would you have liked that to be rubbed in your face when you had antenatal depression?

I think people use the brutally honest tactic in response to the pink fluffy magazine beatific mother and saintly gurgling baby motif. All your post does is give another example of the magazine version - it doesn’t add anything to suggest other versions of parenting are available.

I mean, it’s lovely that your baby slept. Really. Well done you. You aren’t really going to offer much reassurance to someone who isn’t in that position. And a few more voices saying ‘fuck no it was awful’ (but I got through it) are going to at least give some hope to others that people do survive sleep deprivation and non stop screaming for a year and come out the other side.
But uh, well done you. Glad it was easy.
They are all different. By and large mothers with easy babies don’t need as much support. Dd1 was pretty easy. Ds1 fed every 2 hrs 24/7. Dd2 was brain damaged at birth. She was tube fed initially but then due to her tone had to be fed at night for the best part of a year as she couldn’t coordinate sucking and swallowing and would aspirate if we tried to feed her during the day when she was awake.

I do sometimes wonder if the baby issuing service gave me an easy one first to lull me into a false sense of security.

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

Well Done OP 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽

Please do point us shitty mortals who had babies that were poor sleepers, non breastfeeders etc on the righteous path of The Perfect Motherhood

Anyone who's struggling with any aspect of parenting ignore the OPs goady boast.

My dd was a terrible sleeper from birth pretty much. Never had the "sleepy newborn". I kept hearing, "when she reaches x pounds weight/x weeks/x months old, she will start to sleep more."

She started sleeping though the night aged 3.

I still feel I haven't caught up after the 3 years of sleep deprivation. Though things are better now.

I was lucky in that I found breastfeeding relatively easy, physically at least. It was a while when I felt comfortable breastfeeding in front of anyone but her father though. I used to get scared about leaving the house because of it. Most of the babies I saw out and about were bottle fed.

There was actually a mum at a baby group I went to once. She breastfed her dd too. She was the only other woman there breastfeeding (that I saw, some may have mixed fed or been using expressed I don't know). She did it with such confidence and such a "I don't care" attitude. Really helped me overcome my own fears actually. She probably wondered why I kept staring at her now I think about it. I thought she was amazing. Still got negatives comments for doing it though. I'm not very confident generally so found it hard.

I think a more helpful approach would be to say ' don't compare your babies to others' or better still 'don't compare to my experience as in all fairness most babies don't sleep very well and your not doing anything wrong it's just how it can be sometimes!

I actually have to disagree and to me, the comment of "Oh, don't compare your baby to mine! He's a unicorn baby, a real rare thing" quite smug

It's not just my mum and a few relatives of her side that have expressed very similar, positive experiences to me. A few friends too, even my grandmother

I have an equal amount who've found parenting rather hellish too

I do think that the brutally honest thing has come as a backlash to when any bad experiences were brushed under the carpet, but it does feel like it's gone too far the other way now and that ALL people want to tell expectant mums is how terrible it will all be and how awful their lives will be. I get that people are saying they're trying to prepare people but surely nobody is that clueless? I know it will be hard but I really would like to hear a bit more balance of good and bad and I don't think that happens now. It's all horror stories, like some sort of badge of honour of how much someone has been through. I think those people are far more smug going on about how hard they've had it than people who tell you positive stories.

Tbh, prepare for the worst and hope for the best seems sensible here. What good would it do if everyone expected amazing sleepers? I have 3 children, all so different. My #1 was a 45min sleeper. You could set your watch by her. At nearly 8 she still doesn't need much sleep and is totally wired from the moment she wakes. #2 and #3 very different. So she set my benchmark. Had I had #3 first, and then had #1 when he was 21 months old as I did first time round I would have got such a shock. To have gone from his mega chilled out little personal to the firecracker that is my daughter would have been

As it is, any baby seems easy in comparison. 😂