To feel sad for new mums and all the scary comments?

[RelaxEnjoy]

I say this because I suffered terribly with antenatal depression, made horrendously worse by a lot of comments, such as...

"You'll always feel tired"

"BF is so difficult and sore but you'll get through it if that's what you want"

"You will never feel alone again"

Etc etc etc

Sleep deprivation being the biggest comments thrown at me

Here's my experience, expectant mums:

DS slept through from birth, and by 4 weeks was going 12 hour stretches. He still does this, I've never slept so much in my life. He's made me incredibly lazy

He had no issues latching on, and he was tongue tied. I didn't even have so much as a cracked nipple. It was bliss. I wasn't going to breastfeed, everyone made me feel like it would be impossible. I thought DS would sleep better on formula, so said to myself I'd only give him the colostrum. Well I carried on because it was so easy and convenient. Still feeding now

I always had relaxing baths during the early weeks! DS not only slept through but obviously slept a lot during the day because newborns are very sleepy. Whilst he done this, I would enjoy a hot soak in the bath 🛀

I have to schedule this more carefully now he's older as he doesn't nap as much, but I just give him to DH for an hour and have some time to myself.

He is with me all day and I'm rarely by myself, but I think that should be encouraged and natural. I think a DC should work as an extension of you. It isn't something to fear, it's lovely. It's a natural transition from bump to Mum.

I confronted all the commenters now, and remind them what they said to me whilst vulnerable and pregnant. They constantly move the goal post with things like "yeah but wait till". I no longer listen. Don't listen

I'm not saying everything will all go smoothly for you but if there are any hiccups, take them in your stride. Accept and go with it. Listen to your baby, listen to what they need and just go with it

Relax

Strawberry Sorry, But I was advised to let him sleep through and not wake him by countless people so I do take you as being quite goady yourself. And you don't seem to have taken on board what I said either - I even pushed for a blood test which came back fine. His sugar levels has always been fine. He's always growing and put on loads of weight in those first few months etc

No, to answer your question, I don't consider mothers who are following advice as lesser or not attending to their babies needs! I just didn't follow everything to a T because it didn't work for me. My baby is happy, I'm happy. That's good enough for me

It isn't dangerous advice, I was Blue in the face at one point wondering if this much sleep was normal and I thought he could develop jaundice or something. I was reassured countless times he was fine

I did try waking him in the earlier days! He refused feeds at that ungodly hour and went back to sleep

I think the moral of the story is................we all have vastly different experiences, we all have different strengths, we all struggle with different issues BUT we should all feel able to speak openly about becoming a parent whether that be good or bad. In the end we are all trying our best for our families with what we have been given to raise happy healthy children. Support each other, were all navigating the same winding road.

I think there is a big difference between a “sleepy baby” who won’t wake for feeds and a baby who sleeps lots. I think it’s obvious that OPs baby wasn’t sleeping 12 hours a night out of the womb. That doesn’t mean it didn’t start after a couple of weeks or days though.

Thanks so much for this post. Can’t tell you how much I needed to read a positive story like this after some of the horror stories on here. I’m expecting my my first in June.

Op please don't add to the bandwagon of misinformation about bf. There really are real benefits for mother and baby. Yes hardly anyone gets the support they need and millions of mothers switch to formula but that doesn't make it OK to pretend the benefits aren't there.

SIB indeed, you're right

And the moral of the story is not to call people twats and other nasty names. You can say you don't agree with something and explain why without name calling or such like

People use to really upset me when they talked about what I 'couldn't be doing right' whilst TTC and going through infertility. I didn't name call, I just made my point and was stern in my reasoning without resorting to name calling

@RelaxEnjoy thank you for the positive post! I, for one, appreciate it. I'm due to give birth this week and do take heart from all those who, like you, have taken time to share online their positive experiences of parenting, to balance out all the "brace yourself..." posts that are out there!

Hope you continue to enjoy motherhood. :)

fern you're welcome

Officer I know there are benefits but I don't think they're long term. I personally breastfeed because it is so easy for me and DS

I admire those who get up and make bottles! Looks like a pain in the arse

AHungry Congratulations on your pregnancy and thank you!

It's a wonderful journey, regardless of how tough it can be. We all love our children regardless, in the end

So RelaxEnjoy was actually an anxious new mother demanding her baby have bloodtests . Clearly this is all the fault of people telling her you can't be too careful with a newborn and it's best to get advice rather than just assume it's OK. Next time I guess she won't bother to check?

I have to disagree op. If I’d heard a few more comments along the lines of ‘god yes it’s really tough, that can hurt,,yes the do often cluster feed all evening, yes not sleeping is normal’ I’d have felt much better.

The only person who said anything vaguely useful to us when ds woke every 45 mins for 18m was a paediatrician who said ‘ there’s nothing wrong with your kid. Some kids just are shit sleepers. Stop beating yourselves up and trying methods and go home and work out survival strategies.’

Newborns can be very hard indeed. Sympathy and realism can help mums acknowledge they’re not alone or being shit at parenting

The mothers I found most supportive and most nurturing of me in the early days when I was struggling weren't those who banged on about their own good or bad experiences. Almost invariably they were mothers who'd had a number of children over a number of years, had sufficiently varied experiences to put things into perspective and separate out luck from circumstance, and weren't constantly coming at every conversation from a self-absorbed perspective which was all about their own unmet needs. OP falls a long way short of these womens' wisdom and compassion.

I've come too far past it to quote or look up the poster's name, but a pp objected to the ridiculous term "nightmare babies" to describe those with normal/undesirable sleeping habits etc. I agree completely. I wouldn't swap my 'hard work' baby for the world. He made me the mother I am now and I like the mother I am. I'm expecting DC2 next month and I joke that I've earned my easy baby or my good sleeper this time round, but in truth I'm almost scared I wouldn't be able to love a placid child as fiercely as I love the tricksy one I already have. I know I will really, I know mothers of 'easy' babies don't love them any less than I love mine, and yet the opposite idea is so often implied.

I think so much of the 'advice' given to expectant mothers is stupid and mindless and irrelevant, but if I was going to sum up my own experiences for that context it would be something like - it was harder than I ever could have imagined, but DS and I got through it together and that's no less bonding than all the euphoric oxytocin blah blah serene madonna with child fantasy.

I agree we talk quite differently with other parents compared to those who are not yet parents. A bit of gallows humour about infected stitches or bleeding nipples can be invaluably restorative if you're with other people who've been there and get it, but that doesn't translate so well to people who are looking at that a little way into their future...

Ha ha ok OP, sure, I’m the goady one. Whatever ya say!

It is dangerous to tell mothers that it’s ok for baby’s to sleep through from birth with no milk. countless professionals may have said for your baby it was ok but that’s very rare. If it were me I wouldn’t be stupid enough to brag about it as though it’s an achievement and as I said I personally wouldn’t have listened to what the countless professionals said.

Anyway OP as I said good for you for getting LUCKY but your posts are shitty and smug and I hope your child grows up and learns how to be a sensitive, thoughtful person. They certainly won’t be learning that from you!

I’m out.

@RelaxEnjoy I'm thinking when you started this post you probably should of put it in becoming a parent then you would of got a load of excitement and praise, however you chose to post this in AIBU? Which is one of the most opinionated areas in the site, as if to sort of you know.... cause conflict. The only thing I would say is people that brag motherhood is brill... normally in my experience putting on a big front. Time will tell

NellWilsons - here, here. Wise words.

Nell I wouldn't brag about my sleepy baby in front of sleep deprived new mums, that's not fair.

This post wasn't aimed at new mums, (although inevitably new mums may read it), it was aimed at expectant mums who've possibly had to much 'bad experience advice' shoved down their throats like I did, making them miserable like it made me

I appreciate this post too! I sometimes think it sounds so terrifying I wouldn't cope.

I understand that some people have it very hard, but it's very nice to hear a really positive experience.

Thank you Sheepy

Does anyone REALLY pay attention to what people say though? Obviously everyone talks about sleep. Its a massive thing, still didn't prepare me for the huge sleep deprivation wall that smacked me in the face and then came back for more lol

Peoples experiences are different. I don't think they are being arseholes warning you about what was generally most peoples experience.

Louise they weren't warning me, they kept on and on and knew I was worried about becoming a Mum, yet still persisted to tell me how shit my house would look, how exhausted I would be, how I would feel miserable a lot of the time

Did you name change to post this?

I also wonder who the hell you guys are speaking too lol affecting your marriage...rather personal lol

I probably had more of the positives. This amazing love that will over power me. The love that will get me through those hard times. The cuddles at the end of the day that will make me think it's worth it. When in fact it was the opposite. No love came. So IME there's is no right way to speak to someone as everyones mental health and thinking is different. It's upto me to shovel through the shit and decide what advice helps me IYSWIM. I don't think anyone was being a prick.

“And the moral of the story is not to call people twats and other nasty names. You can say you don't agree with something and explain why without name calling or such like”

I’m a lurker and this thread has really upset me. Wasn’t going to post but hey ho. Feel like the shittest mum now so thank you for that relax lol. So many posters have tried to explain how bad your posts have come across and yes they are smug but you think ^ that is the moral of the story? Not to call people twats? It’s a shame that the actual moral of the story has gone straight over your head. The moral of the story is not to show off about how much sleep your getting, how easy motherhood is and how you’re doing everything right and are perfectly in tune with your baby’s needs. Perhaps the moral of the story is to be compassionate of others who have told you how much your post has upset them, to be thankful for your very uncommon experience and to be a lot less smug as you really have no clue what awaits you.
I have a non sleeper and awful days where I hate being a mam but you know what, I think I’m doing alright and I’ll get there in the end.

But if you tell all expectant mums that it will be fine if they listen to their instincts etc. And then they have a baby who doesn't sleep or doesn't latch or is 'a nightmare' surely they are gonna feel shit.
The reality if it is most babies feed every 2-4 hours no matter what time of day it is and I don't see why telling expectant parents this is wrong. Sleep deprivation is a normal part of parenthood for most parents and it doesn't make you a better mother for having a baby that sleeps. Maybe your baby will be a horrible tether, maybe they will have really bad terrible twos, maybe they will regress with their sleep after illness. It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with your baby and that's why people are saying you sound smug.

@dobby

I agree. I hated when I asked how do you know that they want milk and people replied "you'll know" or "you'll know there milk cry" I rattled myself crazy thinking why don't I know. How do I not KNOW what he wants. What a pissing milk cry. Wheres the instinct everyone talks about? Sent me insane.