To feel sad for new mums and all the scary comments?

[RelaxEnjoy]

I say this because I suffered terribly with antenatal depression, made horrendously worse by a lot of comments, such as...

"You'll always feel tired"

"BF is so difficult and sore but you'll get through it if that's what you want"

"You will never feel alone again"

Etc etc etc

Sleep deprivation being the biggest comments thrown at me

Here's my experience, expectant mums:

DS slept through from birth, and by 4 weeks was going 12 hour stretches. He still does this, I've never slept so much in my life. He's made me incredibly lazy

He had no issues latching on, and he was tongue tied. I didn't even have so much as a cracked nipple. It was bliss. I wasn't going to breastfeed, everyone made me feel like it would be impossible. I thought DS would sleep better on formula, so said to myself I'd only give him the colostrum. Well I carried on because it was so easy and convenient. Still feeding now

I always had relaxing baths during the early weeks! DS not only slept through but obviously slept a lot during the day because newborns are very sleepy. Whilst he done this, I would enjoy a hot soak in the bath 🛀

I have to schedule this more carefully now he's older as he doesn't nap as much, but I just give him to DH for an hour and have some time to myself.

He is with me all day and I'm rarely by myself, but I think that should be encouraged and natural. I think a DC should work as an extension of you. It isn't something to fear, it's lovely. It's a natural transition from bump to Mum.

I confronted all the commenters now, and remind them what they said to me whilst vulnerable and pregnant. They constantly move the goal post with things like "yeah but wait till". I no longer listen. Don't listen

I'm not saying everything will all go smoothly for you but if there are any hiccups, take them in your stride. Accept and go with it. Listen to your baby, listen to what they need and just go with it

Relax

Babies sleeping through from birth are not common.
"Whipping a tit out" is not how most bfing mothers would refer to themselves.
Very odd.

Surely a baby sleeping for 12 hours must be starving when they wake up.

wait til baby no 2 comes along and wipes that smug smile off your face!

Oh and tbh, one baby is fairly easy, even when they are hard work like my first. No other kids to chase while you are breastfeeding, no toddler naps, messes to tidy etc etc. Just one, sleepy baby to quote you. Of course you find it easy! 😂

jk He's 6 months

You know that some people love being pregnant and feel really happy and calm throughout their pregnancies? Would you have liked that to be rubbed in your face when you had antenatal depression?

It was rubbed in my face but I'm not the type to be under the illusion everything is perfect for everyone else. And even if it was, that was them. Other people's happiness about pregnancy didn't bother me. People harping on about how difficult it would all be did , and made the whole experience quite dark

It was like I wanted to be excited. But everywhere I turned there was someone else waiting to put babyhood down, in a weirdly gleeful and twinkly eye way

And letting a newborn/ v young BF baby sleep for 12 hrs is not recommended.

I found having a newborn incredibly relaxing- there is something so calming about them. My house was so calm, peaceful and beautiful. My DC1 was a really difficult baby actually, couldn’t be put down etc but we wanted to be close to her all the time anyway because we had never felt such love and happiness. I fell in love with my husband all over again and we had another honeymoon period

It got much, much harder later. And I never tell anyone how amazing it was to have a newborn because I will be accused of tipping women into PNd. Which is a shame, because like OP before I had my children I was fed a diet of how awful it is too. I would’ve loved someone to tell me how much they loved it.

wait til baby no 2 comes along and wipes that smug smile off your face!

No smug smile here. I know damn well the next could be tricky. But I won't dwell on it, and the likelihood is there won't be a No.2 due to medical reasons

DVT and constant sickness during pregnancy for 9 months have worked out to be quite off putting

"I was a mess at that stage" is incredibly rude

How on earth do you interpret someone saying... "you might struggle, I found life at that stage incredibly hard" as rude ?
they are just letting you know it is ok, and perfectly normal to be struggling at that stage - to let you know you aren't the only one and you aren't a rubbish Mum for struggling.

Wow, you sound incredibly smug, self absorbed, thoughtless or even downright unkind.

One child like yours, at the moment, like a little angel, no bother to look after. Slept loads, ate anything, happy with everything.

Other child was like the devil incarnate. I felt like I never slept, had to interact with him for 16 hours a day, couldn't put him down, wouldn't go in a buggy, didn't talk for ages, he made my life hellish.

I would rather be prepared for the hellish child than have everyone tell me it will all be wonderful and then be cruelly disappointed. The 'perfect' babies who sleep etc seem to be an anomaly rather than the rule.

And letting a newborn/ v young BF baby sleep for 12 hrs is not recommended.
Actually, as long as they're gaining weight and hydrated, it isn't an issue

Countless medical professionals have advised me on it, as I felt quite unsettled that he kept sleeping so much. I even pushed for a blood test

you sound v smug Op. most people have good and bad experiences

I'm surprised your midwife wasn't concerned about your newborn sleeping through from birth - when my dc1 went more than 5 hours between feeds, we were told to wake him and feed him if necessary and I know many, many other parents who were told similar.

I don't like either approach. I agree, some people seem to take great pleasure in telling expectant mothers how terrible it will be - whether that's sleep or birth or breastfeeding - and that's shit and unhelpful. But equally, glib "newborns are sleepy" shit is really unhelpful too. And for every woman saying "why did they make out this was dreadful, it's amazing", there's at least one other saying "why did nobody tell me it would be so hard?"

Bottom line: no one definitive message helps everyone.

My eldest is coming up for six and the 'wait til [blah]' comments do resonate for me, because at this point my experience is that everyone has had really tough times at some point. Mine was a colicky crap sleeper and I was frankly mad for at least a year. At about three, he was the delight of his peer group - clever and shyly chatty and well mannered and thoughtful. Now he's a bit tricky, fidgety, hasn't yet learned to cope well with frustration, can't always tell when it's time to share what he's thinking and when it's time to be quiet. His 'easy baby' friend is currently usually angry and often rude, and really struggling academically at school. He'll come through it. It all comes and goes in the end. Different challenges, different ages suit different children and different families.

So, I don't at all buy into 'just you wait til blah blah blah' as some sort of bitterness or envy or gleeful scaremongering, but I would be amazed by any parent who doesn't have some protracted struggle at some point.

Sweeping assumption and there'll be exceptions, but I also think that parents who have easy babies sometimes struggle more with the transition to toddler/preschooler. I had a lot of practice at growing my patience and coping with my child's strong feelings and bloody stubbornness before he could walk or talk, and that stood me in better stead for toddler assertiveness than I would have managed otherwise, if he'd been a less demanding baby.

The only other new mum I knew when I had DC1 had an experience like you. It made me feel sick to my stomach with anxiety every time she told me about it. I couldn't help feeling it must be my fault I wasn't having the same experience.

I really appreciate this post. I only seem to hear people talking about the horrors of parenthood (motherhood particularly) to the extent that it makes me think, why the fuck are you bothering? Especially when they're having a second or third baby. Of course people should be able to talk about things they find hard but it seems to be in vogue to emphasise the negatives which makes me really frightened and depressed.

You do realise your post could and probably has made a mother suffering from POST natal depression feel 1 million times worse
Well done...

@Hotpinkparade

I'm right there with you! I wish more people would talk about the good stuff too instead of the constant barrage of horror stories. And agree with OP that it's always done with such glee, that they're almost wishing it on you?!

user what about others suffering from antenatal depression? I would've found a post like this refreshing at the time

I created this post because I remember suffering from antenatal depression and wishing i could see more positive experiences, just so I could know it may well be completely fine

@RelaxEnjoy I don't mean to pee on your parade but you got lucky.... and reality probably hasn't really hit home yet. I agree with balanced stories, and before birth I had no expectations, but 6 weeks in when I had a screaming baby that's projectile vomiting not sleeping through and I couldn't even go for a wee comfortably all I wanted to do was find other mums who said what I was feeling was ok.... so I come on here and realised life's not too bad and what my newborn was doing was totally normal. But thanks for your thrilling and happy advice on a Sunday afternoon to expectant mums.

People tell the 'horror stories' because only ever hearing sunshine and rainbows can have the effect of making people feel like crap.

As for the waking, in 3 babies and BF counsellor training, it has always been recommended to wake them in the early months as it is necessary for supply as much as anything.

One non mobile 6 month old baby is easy.

Oh dear OP, I think I know what you meant to do, but these responses are exactly why I kept my mouth shut at NCT classes and listened to all the extended wallowing and complaining with a sympathetic smile and extra biscuits. Or cake. And compliments.
I had quick, uncomplicated labours, children that slept through the night at 4 weeks, no problems feeding and my pregnancies were relatively problem free. But no one wanted to know any of that.
They were comparing levels of misery and how much they had suffered. If I hadn’t been there, if I wasn’t traumatised and constantly worrying, then anything I had to say that was positive about my experiences would have been very unwelcome, and taken as me being smug and superior.
I didn’t need that kind of stress in my life, so I stayed silent on the subject and still do in RL.

There are so many posts on mumsnet from mothers with newborns who are in the throes of sleep deprivation and feeding problems and feeling shellshocked at the sheer lack of time and freedom they suddenly have. And they often say “why did no one say it would be so hard/everyone said it would be lovely”. The absolute opposite of what you experienced. And while you may have good intentions it is very rare for a 4 week old to sleep through and your post won’t be happy reading for parents of more normal babies awake every 2 hours...

I imagine the fact you were suffering from Antenatal depression made you prone to focussing on the negatives when people spoke to you about babies. And great, you’ve found it’s not the case and you are no longer depressed. But vast amounts of women get through pregnancy and find it tough and suffer from PND and your post about how you are having a whale of a time will be as harmful to them as you found the people telling you about how hard it could be. I had a mixture of ups and downs with my newborn, I generally enjoyed it although I didn’t get much sleep! But my experience means nothing to anyone else’s so there’s no point doing a public service announcement about it...

I was definitely embarrassed to be formula feeding my 5 month old in ikea last weekend when a fucking smug breast feeding group sat round the only microwave doling out smug and superior looks to people hearing bottles (DS has reflux with breast milk and was an unhappy baby for the 2 months I persevered to bf).

Don't you think your antenatal depression might have affected your interpretation of people's comments?
I had a fantastic pregnancy with my first. After years of mental health problems it was the best time of my life and I don't remember anyone being negative about motherhood.