To feel sad for new mums and all the scary comments?

[RelaxEnjoy]

I say this because I suffered terribly with antenatal depression, made horrendously worse by a lot of comments, such as...

"You'll always feel tired"

"BF is so difficult and sore but you'll get through it if that's what you want"

"You will never feel alone again"

Etc etc etc

Sleep deprivation being the biggest comments thrown at me

Here's my experience, expectant mums:

DS slept through from birth, and by 4 weeks was going 12 hour stretches. He still does this, I've never slept so much in my life. He's made me incredibly lazy

He had no issues latching on, and he was tongue tied. I didn't even have so much as a cracked nipple. It was bliss. I wasn't going to breastfeed, everyone made me feel like it would be impossible. I thought DS would sleep better on formula, so said to myself I'd only give him the colostrum. Well I carried on because it was so easy and convenient. Still feeding now

I always had relaxing baths during the early weeks! DS not only slept through but obviously slept a lot during the day because newborns are very sleepy. Whilst he done this, I would enjoy a hot soak in the bath 🛀

I have to schedule this more carefully now he's older as he doesn't nap as much, but I just give him to DH for an hour and have some time to myself.

He is with me all day and I'm rarely by myself, but I think that should be encouraged and natural. I think a DC should work as an extension of you. It isn't something to fear, it's lovely. It's a natural transition from bump to Mum.

I confronted all the commenters now, and remind them what they said to me whilst vulnerable and pregnant. They constantly move the goal post with things like "yeah but wait till". I no longer listen. Don't listen

I'm not saying everything will all go smoothly for you but if there are any hiccups, take them in your stride. Accept and go with it. Listen to your baby, listen to what they need and just go with it

Relax

[Frusso]

Perhaps I didn't write the OP very well. But I really was just trying to express that nightmare babies aren't a given
Ah gee, well thanks for that smug pointer.

You had an easy baby. Bully for you.

I have 3 dc. (thankfully all now school age and a whole different kettle of fish) not one of them were what you would class as easy, but I certainly take great offence at you calling them "nightmare babies." I think the term you are looking for is babies.

And if I'd have read you smug post when I had pnd with dc1, it would probably have pushed me unretrievably over the edge. What I needed, and found on MN, was that what I was experiencing was quite normal, and the honesty that yes it can sometimes be shit, babies don't always sleep through, cracked nipples happen, and life with a newborn isn't always sunshine and rainbows. That is what i needed.

[Sarahh2014]

Talk about lulling people into a false sense of security.My ds woke every 1.5 hours constantly through the night,I couldn't bf as I didn't produce any milk,I was permanently knackered so much so I felt ill Oh and i also had PND.I don't know anyone who had as easy a time as what you describe

[Dobbythesockelf]

As a new mum your post would have made me feel a million times worse than I already did. My dd didn't sleep at all, she had reflux and spent a lot of time screaming at me. Luckily she breastfed well and I found it relatively easy other than a bout of thrush. But when I was crying to my gp about how I couldn't cope, she wouldn't stop being sick etc I felt like the worse mother alive, a post like yours could have pushed me over the edge. I get where you are coming from but it's written in a way that just sounds smug.
My friend had a baby like yours, wonderful sleeper etc she's 14 months now and has had a hellish time teething. I think the best thing to say is that you don't know how it's going to be, but be prepared for some sleepless nights etc.

[NovemberWitch]

Let’s hope that when the bad stuff about being a parent comes along, this little period of happiness and confidence gives the OP some comfort and nice memories. Because it does rather come across as if you all want karma to bite her in the bum.

[Buglife]

It’s true to point out that babies who wake up through the night aren’t nightmare babies, just normal babies. And that parents who find things dofficukt can’t also have many moments of happiness and joy too. You don’t have to have daily long baths and a tiny newborn who sleeps for 12 hours to enjoy having a baby.

[FrozenMargarita17]

puts hands up I am the mother of a baby who had reflux, wouldn't sleep, and still doesn't. And couldn't breastfeed either.

Feeling greeeeeeeeeat after reading that.

Would love a bath alone, would love to wash my hair more than once a week. I also have PND.

I got all these comments but the experience is far harder than I thought it would be.

[Cherrycokewinning]

Sarah would it not have helped more if people had told you that waking every 1.5 hours in the night is normal? At least for the first few months. I kept a record of when my DC2 woke in the early days for BF purposes and I’ve just checked- there was a couple of hours each night she woke every 15-20 minutes. Still normal. Less normal if they’re 1 😂

That’s what I don’t think new mothers get enough information on- without scaring them tell them it’s normal for you to be up al night. They don’t know night from
Day. They’re tummies are the size of a marble and empty frequently.

[ElinoristhenewEnid]

relaxenjoy I had 2 like yours - had the 2nd 14 months after the first because it seemed so easy and 2nd was almost as easy as the 1st.
Luck of the draw - nothing I did or said - just how it was - this was over 30 years ago!

[Laiste]

Interesting thread.

It was the pain i felt unprepared for. The pain of birth. I was quite young with DC1 and the shock of how bad the pain was and the length of time i had to endure it (back to back labor for 3 days) lasted for months after the birth.

All this bloody ''breeeeeeath and blow - poof poof poof like blowing out a candle as the pain rises like wave and then relax as it ebbs gently away'' was utter utter bollocks. It was fucking agony and i was terrified.

I think a little scare mongering helps you prepare. Better to be pleasantly surprised if/when it's not so bad.

[deptfordgirl]

I think most people have friends like you who have easy babies and it can actually make you feel a lot lot worse if yours isn't so easy. I still feel like a failure that my ds doesn't sleep well and never has. It does make you feel as if you have done something wrong rather than your baby just being different to others. At least if people warn you how bad it will be and its not then it's a happy surprise!

[Heatherjayne1972]

Careful op- you sound very smug
If you have another you may not get so ‘lucky’
We didn’t all have easy babies
Some of us had babies that cried most of the time. Wouidnt sleep unless cuddled ok with a newborn not much fun aged 2 1/2 year old
all while having to get up for work the next day
Sore boobs/ c-section that got infected etc etc
pnd is no fun either

But you have an easy baby - good for you

[Cherrycokewinning]

Mwah ha Laiste so true. I wish someone had said do all the prep you want for your 50% influence of labour. There is fuck all you can do about the 50% your baby contributes (high 5 from another 3 day back to backer)

[RayM]

I’m soon to be a Mum for the first time. It has been nice to read your positive comments/experiences. You don’t sound smug to me. All too often I hear of what a nightmare my life will become which has been rather petrifying! Reading your post hasn’t made me think it will be all glitter and rainbows and I’d like to think I’m going into this with an open mind. Every Mum’s experience is different and it’s nice to read it from your perspective - how else will I get a rounded idea of what to expect?!

[SunnySkiesSleepsintheMorning]

I’m afraid I do think there’s an element of goading because this is either your first post or you name changed.

[Laiste]

cherry It's beyond awful isn't it! A badge i'd rather not have.

[englishnose]

I agree with you OP. I was a complete mess at the end of my pregnancy, worrying about all the "you just wait..." comments.
Panicked myself silly over what I could do wrong!
Not every baby is the same, (and you are obviously not suggesting that) but focusing on 'what ifs' and how tired you might end up and how your nipples might fall off is ridiculous. Motherhood is not plain sailing, but doubling your mental load with worry isn't going to prevent things from happening, or help the situation if they do.

[RockinRobinTweets]

There was no amount of horror stories that could have prepared me for how much of a shock to my system becoming a parent was. I just had to go through it.

I know now that babies just aren’t my bag. Sleep deprivation isn’t good on me but there’s no one on the planet that enjoys all the elements and phases of parenting and looking after a baby is just one phase.

Congrats on your baby OP. I’ve known a few who were in a very happy honeymoon phase when their babies came along. As long as they made it clear that they’re very lucky and aware of that fact, they’re okay in my books!

[RelaxEnjoy]

As an 'oldie' I would totally agree with this post, probably the most sensible thing I've ever read on Mumsnet. It is quite possible to be pregnant, give birth, raise a child, or children, without ever referring to a book or constantly be asking for 'advice' from people who seem intent on frightening you to death

Thank you, that's a lovely thing to post

I didn't much listen to any advice at all Call me mad but I found listening to my own instincts and what my baby wanted far easier

I tried listening during pregnancy. It put a cloud over it, so I was careful not to look too much into what people say during parenthood

[sportyfool]

It's very very unusual for babies to sleep through from birth and frankly a very very sleepy baby is as much of a worry as a very very loud screaming baby . I know you are trying to help but you come across a teensy but smug .

[poddige]

Sorry OP. I had to stop reading at "DS slept though from birth"...

[Thedogsmells]

To be fair, the never needing to read a book has nothing to do with an easy experience of parenthood. Some just have it harder than others. Some have better support networks so don't need to ask around. Both approaches are fine.

A friend had her #2 exactly 3 months after my #3. #3 appeared easily, quick labour, no damage, fed easily, home quickly and I was doing the shopping at 18 hrs PP and bar the odd ache felt fine.

Her #2 ended in an emergency section. Baby was poorly. Infection. Poor latch. Another infection. #1 struggled to adjust. Still finding it hard getting around at 5 wks. All our experiences are so different.

[IHATEPeppaPig]

To be fair OP, I would kill you if you said all that to me after my first - it comes across smug (even though I know that's not your intention!).

It was as hell for me and nothing and I mean NOTHING prepared me for the sleep deprivation....you are probably just better keeping quiet and being there for new mums.

[CarpeDiem83]

I had the same experienced reading negative experiences when pregnant and was convinced the first year was going to be utter hell on earth and I would definitely get PND which did nothing to help my issues with anxiety..... BUT I'd rather have had it this way around and found it generally better than expected (although the first month was tough - DD is 20 weeks) than have had a shock to the system! Plus it's made me aware of how lucky I've been in some respects and that it could all change next week or next month and get really hard.

DD isn't as easy a baby as yours but is fairly chilled in the spectrum of babies I know! I'm careful not to go on about this to other mums who are having a trickier time, though it's not been without challenges. We had issues breastfeeding and so quite quickly switched to formula but any guilt soon passed...... around here breastfeeding is the norm and to start I was self conscious giving her formula at baby groups but now I don't care. We had a colicky period as well, and she still wakes most nights, but I get enough sleep to survive. We're undecided about another (although I'm sure we will come round to it in time) as it feels like a gamble and we could get the fabled non-sleeping all-screaming baby! In reality though most babies I know seem to be in the middle.

Most of my close friends don't have babies yet and I know these horror stories do scare them! I think it's important to get a range of experiences and accept that a lot of its outside your control. The deluge of negative experiences can be just as damaging as only hearing positive "smug" ones....... which I think is your point.

[NovemberWitch]

Or avoiding new mums altogether and being happy somewhere else.
I’d hate to see someone this naive and tactless torn limb from limb and trampled on by sleep-deprived women. Safer to steer clear.

[Andthatswhatitsallabout]

Op I hope you started this thread with good intentions. I think what you are experiencing is pretty unusual tbh particularly for a ebf baby.
I have 3 dcs and actually had the opposite, people over-romanticising what it was like to have children, avoiding any negativity etc. I had great pregnancies, ideal natural births and body back to normal a few days after birth, no issues with breastfeeding etc. I would never say all this to a new mum/expectant mum as I'd sound like a prat. The first few weeks were bliss but then first two dc started to struggle hugely with reflux, sleep deprivation brought me to my knees, I had no idea how bad it could get and the massive effect it would have on my life. However because of the constant pressure I experienced to be positive it was extremely difficult for me to talk about this. I was also able to have a bath, put on makeup, function when my baby was easy and immobile but their sleep only got worse with the introduction of food, as they got older their sleep deteriorated.
I find people talk so much about newborns and sleep
issues whereas some older babies sleep really badly too. My friends two year old has taken to waking every 2 hours....
My last baby is easy peasy, extremely easy-going, settles easily, a completely new experience for me. I recently heard that stupid phrase from a ftm with a easy 6 month old "she is chilled cause we are chilled" said within ear-shot of my friend who's daughter has been recently diagnosed with asd and has slept no more than 4 hours a night at five years old. It really reminded me that there can be such arrogance with parents of easy pen.
My point is it would have helped me if someone had told me that it doesn't always get easier as they get older, you really have no control over their sleep and every child is completely different! Realistic expectations..