To feel sad for new mums and all the scary comments?

[RelaxEnjoy]

I say this because I suffered terribly with antenatal depression, made horrendously worse by a lot of comments, such as...

"You'll always feel tired"

"BF is so difficult and sore but you'll get through it if that's what you want"

"You will never feel alone again"

Etc etc etc

Sleep deprivation being the biggest comments thrown at me

Here's my experience, expectant mums:

DS slept through from birth, and by 4 weeks was going 12 hour stretches. He still does this, I've never slept so much in my life. He's made me incredibly lazy

He had no issues latching on, and he was tongue tied. I didn't even have so much as a cracked nipple. It was bliss. I wasn't going to breastfeed, everyone made me feel like it would be impossible. I thought DS would sleep better on formula, so said to myself I'd only give him the colostrum. Well I carried on because it was so easy and convenient. Still feeding now

I always had relaxing baths during the early weeks! DS not only slept through but obviously slept a lot during the day because newborns are very sleepy. Whilst he done this, I would enjoy a hot soak in the bath 🛀

I have to schedule this more carefully now he's older as he doesn't nap as much, but I just give him to DH for an hour and have some time to myself.

He is with me all day and I'm rarely by myself, but I think that should be encouraged and natural. I think a DC should work as an extension of you. It isn't something to fear, it's lovely. It's a natural transition from bump to Mum.

I confronted all the commenters now, and remind them what they said to me whilst vulnerable and pregnant. They constantly move the goal post with things like "yeah but wait till". I no longer listen. Don't listen

I'm not saying everything will all go smoothly for you but if there are any hiccups, take them in your stride. Accept and go with it. Listen to your baby, listen to what they need and just go with it

Relax

[roundaboutthetown]

RelaxEnjoy - tbh, if everyone you know in your family had easy babies as you say, I think your antenatal depression was going to happen anyway, as their experiences did nothing to reassure you before the event and you insisted on listening to the naysayers. You had plenty of comforting experiences aound you which you chose not to listen to, which is a classic sign of anxiety and depression and something which is sadly not cured by everyone pretending motherhood is 100% great for everyone.

I am glad your actual experience has proved to you what everyone knows really, already - that motherhood is not the worst thing that could ever happen to you, as otherwise nobody would be going out of their way to enter into it! Keep hold of that thought. It is harder to deal with more than one child in terms of getting adequate rest, but there are other compensations - namely the intense love for ones children and the joy they can bring along with the pain and frustration. Don't try to simplify everything to reassure the insanely anxious or they might feel conned at the end of the day, rather than relieved when they discover whatnthe reality is like for them! It is different for everyone.

[museumum]

I get where you’re coming Friday m OP. I don’t understand the “nobody warned me” posts - every fucker warned me. Repeatedly. All the time. That my birth would be horrendous and damage me for life, that bf was all but impossible for mere mortals, that id never sleep again and that once I was a mother I’d never have time for or want hobbies or a career again and my children would be my whole life.

All through pregnancy that’s all I heard. I guess it’s different for everyone but I appreciate the OP (or would have done, back then) as a balancing view to contrast with all the problems that are naturally the focus on forums.

[TheHungryDonkey]

My last baby was born in 2010 and she slept through the night. Whilst I felt I deserved this after the older child who only ever slept four hours in 24, the midwife told me my newborn should not be going that long through the night without a feed.

You’re Post sounds really smug.

[Oysterbabe]

Crowing about your newborn sleeping through doesn't help new mums either as that certainly isn't typical. Nor is talking about how easy and painless breastfeeding is, again not typical. It will just make them feel like shit and that something is wrong when their experience is different.

My first didn't sleep for longer than 90 minutes for months. She never managed to latch properly and I expressed for her for 6 months. My DS is 8 weeks. He already sleeps for 4-5 hour stretches, which I think is amazing. I'm also managing to breastfeed him. It's easy and painless now but for the first month it was so fucking painful, my nipples were in bits.

I don't think I know anyone whose baby slept through before about 4 months and most much later.

[RelaxEnjoy]

tbh, if everyone you know in your family had easy babies as you say, I think your antenatal depression was going to happen anyway, as their experiences did nothing to reassure you before the event and you insisted on listening to the naysayers. You had plenty of comforting experiences aound you which you chose not to listen to, which is a classic sign of anxiety and depression and something which is sadly not cured by everyone pretending motherhood is 100% great for everyone

I don't live near my own family. It's my DH's family that kept hammering it home, how hard and relentless and awful it would all be

My DH's family are the people I see very often, my own aren't anymore since we moved

[FaFoutis]

Reading that OP would probably have made me jump off a bridge when I was a new mother. I'm not exaggerating.
I have never forgotten the loneliness and self-loathing I felt when a smug mother told me life with her new baby was 'an absolute joy'.

[scrappysquirrel]

I really don't think this thread is helpful to new mums at all op. I hope it doesn't make mums who are struggling to get their babies to sleep feel even worse.

A friend of mine felt the same way as you did with her first and she didn't understand why everyone kept telling her it was so difficult. Then dc2 came along, she didn't get more than 30 minute intervals of sleep for weeks, completely different baby...same parenting. It's really down to luck with newborns!

I personally think it's good to hear everyone's mixed experiences so that you can expect the worst and hope for the best. I was grateful my friends warned me of what I could expect, I think it would have been a huge shock otherwise.

[MargaretCavendish]

I don’t understand the “nobody warned me” posts - every fucker warned me. Repeatedly. All the time. That my birth would be horrendous and damage me for life, that bf was all but impossible for mere mortals, that id never sleep again and that once I was a mother I’d never have time for or want hobbies or a career again and my children would be my whole life.

I'm pregnant with my first, so have no idea what it'll be actually like - but I agree that I find the 'no one told me it would be hard' posts mystifying. Leaving aside all the gloomy comments from friends, the idea that new parents are knackered and frantic is an absolute staple of popular culture - have all these people never seen a sitcom or read a newspaper article about motherhood? I have been very aware that parenthood is generally considered to be the hardest thing most people ever do since I was a teenager! Now, it may well be that none of that prepares me for the specific reality - all being well, I'll see - but I can't imagine how you could get through life without hearing that new mothers often have a pretty bad time of it.

[RelaxEnjoy]

November the people who kept putting me down weren't new mums, there youngest was 2

[Estellanpip]

It's not on to blame others for your depression. I've managed to live with general (as in, not post natal) depression and anxiety for 30-odd years without blaming anyone else for their words being the cause of it.
I felt shit when I saw couples loved up for years after my boyfriend died, but it wasn't their fault!

[demirose87]

I can see your point and I don't think it's the same for everyone, but I don't think that the negatives about having a new baby are actually that bad. I understand that others may struggle and for me, yes I did have lack of sleep and I had a baby that had reflux and colic and constantly screamed, but I just learnt to deal with it and take it in my stride. Maybe because he was my fourth, I can see that there's a light at the end of the tunnel and that all the bad stages will pass.

[Firenight]

If you every have a second one you may come back and revisit this and cringe. All babies are different. You lucked out this time but please don’t presume it’s a walk in the park for everyone. A HUGE amount of how it goes is down to luck.

[NovemberWitch]

So that’s the answer OP. Be happy about you and your baby, and talk about how much you are enjoying being a parent.
Just don’t talk about it to mothers with children under the age of...maybe 5? Find a childless, male or older audience and they may celebrate with you instead of calling you lots of rude names

[NovemberWitch]

You will have similar issues with other mothers if your teenagers turn out to be polite, hard-working and do their share of chores without complaining. Just a heads-up.

[RelaxEnjoy]

November I was that type of friendly, no trouble teenager. I don't think my mum had any negative comments but then again she probably didn't mention it too much

[NovemberWitch]

Well, this is all looong ago in my past. I’m currently keeping quiet about how easy the menopause is...

[ivehadtonamechangeforthis]

Not a helpful post at all. Just comes across as very smug tbh.

My newborn didn't sleep for hours and by around two weeks would be awake from 10pm - 5am with no more than 20 minute naps after a feed ALL night!

Breastfeeding wasn't easy.

And I haven't been able to take a nice relaxing leisurely bath for two years!

[Littlepond]

See I wish someone had been honest with me about how hard it all is. All I got was "youll be hit with a rush of love like you've never experienced" and "enjoy every minute cos it goes so fast". Actually there was no "rush of love" and every day lasted FOREVER in a slow painful drag of chewed up boobs and crying baby. I didn't sleep, I didn't wash, I barely ate. I hated myself because I didn't love my baby the way everyone told me I would. I think reading about how much sleep someone else's newborn got, the long leisurely baths and how lazy they'd become would have made my PND miles worse, the way the negative comments made your AND worse, OP.

It nearly finished me, literally. I hated myself and had thoughts of taking my own life because my baby deserved so much better. Hearing about other people's perfect babies would have fully cemented the notion that my unhappy baby was entirely my fault and I was a terrible human who should never have been allowed to have a child.

Each to their own though, eh?!

[N2986]

Ha I'm glad noone said this to me with dc1. I'd have wanted to hit them dc1 was not a fun baby!

She's delightful now though. I'd rather expect the worst and be pleasantly surprised a la dc2

[ShamelesslyPlacemarking]

I was just trying to express how many babies are too and that you may well be the same and not have any trouble

I get what you’re trying to do but honestly, love, it’s not “many” and most people “may well” not recognize your experience at all.

I’m in my 40s, so basically everyone I know has finished having their babies in recent memory, and your experience is vanishingly rare. You’re extremely lucky. Most people ARE hollow-eyed with sleep deprivation at your stage, tender and leaky, and can’t imagine luxuriating in a long bath daily.

Of course those mums are going to have lovely parts of the experience too, and I agree there’s a need for balance and not scaring people off in advance (I was repeatedly told I’d be begging for an epidural and was mad for choosing a birthing Centre that didn’t offer it).

But by and large I find most new mums are bewildered by how much stuff they were NOT forewarned about rather than getting six weeks in and thinking “Well, gee, this is a fiddle, what was everyone on about?” The reason most people told you how hard new motherhood is because most people find it really hard! You are an outlier.

[SPARKS17]

OP from what I have read its the mums that seem to have taken great offence to your post. As someone newly pregnant for the first time and totally clueless I personally enjoyed reading a different perspective because I am dreading those first years with a baby/child, everything I have read/been told makes it sound pretty crap with very little reward for the drudgery of child rearing.

I am expecting the worst but posts like yours give me a glimmer of hope it might not be that awful.

[N2986]

Also I think a lot of the negative warning stuff is done tongue in cheek for a bit of camaraderie. I dont many people intend to scare anyone

[tillytrotter1]

As an 'oldie' I would totally agree with this post, probably the most sensible thing I've ever read on Mumsnet. It is quite possible to be pregnant, give birth, raise a child, or children, without ever referring to a book or constantly be asking for 'advice' from people who seem intent on frightening you to death. There seems to be a Monty Pythonesque Four Yorkshiremen attitude, My experience is worse that yours so I must be a better parent. I can honestly say that I have never sought 'advice' nor listened to unsolicited 'advice', maybe I'm an optimistic person.
All these books do is raise expectations and when it doesn't go to the plan people panic.

[Sleepyblueocean]

Let's all that smugness doesn't come back to bite you on the bum.

[darceybussell]

I think you're getting a hard time OP, I'm due in 4 months and I am really quite worried that having a new baby is going to be awful. At the moment I'm reading every book going in a bid to find tips to make my life easier. I found it nice to hear from someone giving me hope that it might be ok!

I'm another one who cannot fathom how people have managed to not hear any of the bad things. My sister had wholly unrealistic expectations and was completely shocked once her baby arrived and it turned out not to be wonderful all of the time. I can only assume that if anyone ever mentioned any difficulties she had either blocked them out or just assumed it wouldn't happen to her.