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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Jo Cox's Husband

336 replies

itsmeimcathyivecomehome · 18/02/2018 08:15

I was really shocked and depressed to see this. It feels like an epidemic:

www.google.co.uk/amp/www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/jo-cox-husband-brendan-cox-step-down-charity-a8215951.html%3famp

He's said some things about hatred since losing his wife that were so right - but now this has come out.

It's hard not to think all men are the problem when these stories are so frequent, even though I know that's not true from the lovely men in my own life!! I'm trying to see it as a positive thing that more women are being encouraged to report these things and that's why it's in the news more, as maybe that will help younger generations of boys to grow up NOT thinking it's ok to assault women.

AIBU?

OP posts:
birdsdestiny · 18/02/2018 12:16

I am no defender of the guardian. But it is the second headline on their current online issue.

Whisperingwinds · 18/02/2018 12:17

Poor Jo’s children - they totally didn’t deserve this!

UpABitLate · 18/02/2018 12:18

grannytomine obviously women can be awful in a variety of ways, but when it comes to sex offences, it does seem to be genuinely a male issue.

Something like 97% of prisoners convicted of sex offences are male.
Look at #metoo, how many women accused
Look at rotherham, all the celebrities accused / convicted of sex offences, the sports coaches, the school teachers, the politicians who have been accused or convicted of this stuff, how many of them are women.

What is the PURPOSE of pretending that women are as big a risk of offending sexually as men? Who does it serve?

UpABitLate · 18/02/2018 12:20

Women who DO commit sex offences are usually acting with a bloke.

The women who have acted alone really are few and far between.

I am sure that a lot of child abuse goes unreported - and we know women are well capable of abusing those who they have power over - but do we do it more than men? And when it comes to sex offences, I don't think anyone really believes we are just as bad. they just say it to protect men. Men who have committed sex crimes. So, um. Whatever.

UpABitLate · 18/02/2018 12:22

This recent charity stuff -how many women are on the list of those who were sexually exploiting vulnerable people?

The previous (multiple) situaitons with Um peacekeepers abusing children, how many of them were women?

WHY pretend that this is vastly, predominantly a MALE issue? Is it becasue protecting men is more important than protecting women and children (including boys)? (Short answer >>yes)

grannytomine · 18/02/2018 12:23

Saying the world would be better without women is a very sweeping statement. The world would be a worse place without the contribution of some brilliant men over many generations.

We should judge people by what they do not by their sex.

Men and women who commit crimes should be dealt with by the law, it matters little if 90% of women are good and 90% of men are bad, the 10% of bad women still need to be punished and the 10% of good men should not be condemned. Obviously the split isn't that dramatic.

Ebony69 · 18/02/2018 12:24

Ok, we get the picture, Upabitlate

grannytomine · 18/02/2018 12:24

The abuse in Magdalen laundries was predominantly by women, or don't they count because they were nuns?

Aeroflotgirl · 18/02/2018 12:24

No grannie women are not, but men are statistically responsible for most crimes.

UpABitLate · 18/02/2018 12:25

"Saying the world would be better without women is a very sweeping statement."

And yet lots of men have said this, throughout history.

Go on the internet you will find loads of men who fantasise about a world without women / or with women only allowed to exist as men's property, for raping, and their to kill if they wish.

UpABitLate · 18/02/2018 12:25

And of course sometimes they act, like Elliot Rodgers.

Aeroflotgirl · 18/02/2018 12:26

and most of the people in power are men, how many women Presidents have their been? How many women Priministers? Most of the heads of countries are Male and therefore make the decisions.

grannytomine · 18/02/2018 12:26

And yet lots of men have said this, throughout history. And that makes it OK?

UpABitLate · 18/02/2018 12:26

Granny give me another 15 examples of women abusing at scale.

You can't.

Aeroflotgirl · 18/02/2018 12:27

If there were a world with no women, it would blooming self destruct. It would be like a Lord of the Flies situation.

grannytomine · 18/02/2018 12:27

and most of the people in power are men, how many women Presidents have their been? How many women Priministers? Most of the heads of countries are Male and therefore make the decisions. Well we have a female PM and a female monarch so what does that prove?

TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 18/02/2018 12:27

The fact that he came across as the perfect husband and father to so many of us just goes to show the extent that someone can be gaslighted. Even if someone SEEMS lovely and perfect you just never know Sad

UpABitLate · 18/02/2018 12:29

I don't think it's OK that so many men hate women and threated us and hurt us and post violent rape fantasies all over the internet and upload "revenge porn" and rape teenage girls and coerce desperate women and girls into sex and all the rest of it, No.

Why do you think that I would have thought it's OK?

Aeroflotgirl · 18/02/2018 12:31

Well Grannie we had better enjoy it then, as the next Monarchs will be Male, Prince Charles, Prince William, Prince George.

Ebony69 · 18/02/2018 12:33

The fact that he came across as the perfect husband and father to so many of us just goes to show the extent that someone can be gaslighted. Even if someone SEEMS lovely and perfect you just never know sad

More fool for people being so niave to assume that anyone is perfect.

Ebony69 · 18/02/2018 12:37

Added to the idea that not only are we capable of good and bad deeds, but we are also capable of good and bad motivations. So to refer to him as having gaslighted others is presumptions.

FrankUnderwoodsWife · 18/02/2018 12:39

How very depressing and predictable, that some women wish to minimise and excuse his despicable behaviour, because he is a white, middle class, tall, well educated widow.

He believed his position in life gave him a free pass to behave in a disgusting and predatory way, and when complaints were made about said behaviour, believed them so unimportant as to not warrant further consideration, as what HE does and WHO HE is, is vastly superior to any women (probably lesbians) who turned down his advances - cos he's such a catch donncha know..... Hmm

Until female apologists stop minimising these assaults on our persons, THEY (men) will believe they can get away with it. And this is not a case of me blaming other women for mens actions, it is me, genuinely believing until we find this behaviour as abhorrent and unacceptable as racism, it does not end.

I support women wearing, behaving and doing whatever they choose, and it not being an invitation for men to abuse them. (In the same way i support men wearing dresses, as long as they don't call themselves women...... Wink)

cista · 18/02/2018 12:41

The Guardian are reporting it now, but as "claims" rather than "admissions".

Pathetic.

blankpieceofpaper · 18/02/2018 12:44

All of the following men are left-wing or thought of as liberal. Some of them are well-known advocates of feminism. Their words about their own actions I think are very revealing - how they describe and couch their own actions vs. the woman who described aggression, belittling, force, humiliation etc.

The exception is Kevin Spacey, who as far as I understand, has had young men accuse him, not women. But the ideas of sex, power and this patriarchal society are clear - whatever the politics.

This to me is particularly evident with Matt Lauer, who enjoyed critiscising right wing news anchor Bill O'Reilly:

Then his own real behaviour was revealed: (a minor example here)

Matt Lauer
Some of what is being said about me is untrue or mischaracterized, but there is enough truth in these stories to make me feel embarrassed and ashamed. I regret that my shame is now shared by the people I cherish dearly,

Harvey Weinstein
‘I came of age in the ’60s and ’70s, when all the rules about behaviour and workplaces were different. That was the culture then. I have since learned it’s not an excuse, in the office – or out of it. To anyone. I realised some time ago that I needed to be a better person, and my interactions with the people I work with have changed. ‘I appreciate the way I’ve behaved with colleagues in the past has caused a lot of pain, and I sincerely apologise for it.

Russell Simmons
While I have never been violent, I have been thoughtless and insensitive in some of my relationships over many decades, and I sincerely apologize.

Charlie Rose
"It is essential that these women know I hear them and that I deeply apologize for my inappropriate behavior. I am greatly embarrassed. I have behaved insensitively at times, and I accept responsibility for that, though I do not believe that all of these allegations are accurate. I always felt that I was pursuing shared feelings, even though I now realize I was mistaken.

Mark Halperin
Instead, in almost every case, I have recognized conduct for which I feel profound guilt and responsibility, some involving junior ABC News personnel and women just starting out in the news business.
"Many of the accounts conveyed by journalists working on stories about me or that I have read after publication have not been particularly detailed (and many were anonymous) making it difficult for me to address certain specifics. But make no mistake: I fully acknowledge and apologize for conduct that was often aggressive and crude.

Kevin Spacey
"But if I did behave then as he describes, I owe him the sincerest apology for what would have been deeply inappropriate drunken behavior, and I am sorry for the feelings he describes having carried with him all these years."

Louis CK
"At the time, I said to myself that what I did was okay because I never showed a woman my dick without asking first, which is also true"

Talented, powerful, articulate, personable, intelligent men - with or without families, a business, money and their persona. And within the last few years there has also of course been Jimmy Saville, Rolf Harris, Clement Freud (Liberal MP) Cyril Smith (Labour MP)

It shows how important it will be to keep fighting - and keep asking questions when new stories emerge.

derxa · 18/02/2018 12:45

Pathetic. Yes and no comments allowed. The comments on the Guardian website are no longer exclusively virtue signalling shite.
Where are you Owen Jones? He was very vocal during the Toby Young debacle.

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