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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bloody dh, aibu?

254 replies

FlopsyMcDoodle · 17/02/2018 19:27

Staying with my dm at the moment - 2 dc’s 5yo and 2yo, both obsessed with trains. My dm doesn’t really have any kids stuff around and her house is very much an adults house - lots of ornaments, breakables, lovely furniture, generally just fairly stressful with 2 young dc.

She dug ou a few toys that my siblings and I had left - dolls house, bit of brio and my dbro’s old electric trainset. Dc2 has been loving the trains from the electric trainset but keeps getting cross because they don’t connect properly. They’re only really designed to stay together on the proper track which is too fiddly for dc2. He kept getting cross so I said I’d put it away and get it out again when he’s older. I haven’t seen it for a couple of days so assumed either dh or dm had put it back in the loft. Dm asked me where it was today, I said I didn’t know, dh said ‘oh I threw it in the bin.’ Dm then went rummaging through the bins but bins collected yesterday and looks like they’re gone Sad.

Dh hasn’t apologised and doesn’t see what the problem is. He thinks it’s just junk so he threw it away. Dm is upset but wouldn’t say anything. Aibu to think dh has been really fucking rude? You don’t just chuck away other people’s stuff because it’s annoying your kid. I’m bloody mortified and think he needs to apologise and replace it.

OP posts:
kooshbin · 17/02/2018 23:14

he just doesn’t have any attachment to anything sentimental
He just doesn’t get attached to ‘stuff’
he’s really just not interested in ‘stuff’.
He just refuses to admit when he’s wrong

Big red flags there. He will damage your children.

Notinsuredarethey · 17/02/2018 23:18

Instead of making "he doesn't get attached to stuff" excuses, you should be leaving. Take your selfish dh home, I'm assuming your house is basic as there is no need for things.

He doesn't give a shit about your dm or you. How can he be trusted with anything.
Did you lose some contest to end up with that for a husband? .

ObscuredbyFog · 17/02/2018 23:20

Not his stuff. He threw away someone else's possession in someone else's house. He has absolutely no idea how to behave, no manners, and no respect for other people

This is not apparently thoughtless behaviour OP. It goes way beyond that.

Have a think of all the other stuff he's done in that long line of similar behaviour and see if you can understand what the rest of us are getting at.

He won't discuss it, he cannot accept he was wrong?

Ordinary decent people do not behave in that manner.

chickenlegscarla · 17/02/2018 23:40

Oh yes, throw something of his in the bin that he values.

See how he likes it.

GnomeDePlume · 17/02/2018 23:40

Does he apply this same rule about 'just stuff' to his own things?

Giraffey1 · 17/02/2018 23:43

Your H needs to wake up and realise you simply don’t go an throw out stipulation that doesn’t brother no to you. What was he thinking? How would he like it if your brother threw away something of his?

Fruitbat1980 · 18/02/2018 00:03
  1. Christ yanbu he is a dick you don’t throw other people’s stuff out
  2. get him/ you on eBay and at least buy replacements (loads out there hubby been buying stuff for our son and converting to digital etc) make him pay (it ain’t cheap) keep it at your mums as special toy to play with on visits? At least recovers some of the situation even if not replace sentimental value?
  3. he needs a wake up call. He ne SS to know what he did is really NOT ok and NOT normal.
ineedaholidaynow · 18/02/2018 00:08

OP I am shocked by what your DH did, I actually gasped when I read it. I know I am way more sentimental than my DH and I know he doesn't understand why I keep so much of DS's baby things etc, but I can't imagine him doing something like this, especially at someone else's house with someone else's belongings.

If reading the responses have made you think about your relationship with DH don't forget that you showed him this thread. Will he be able to find it again?

LegallyBrunet · 18/02/2018 00:09

He's an absolute tosspot. My train mad OH also agrees, so it's not just the man hating harpies of Mumsnet who think this.

robertaplumkin · 18/02/2018 01:06

lol, i have Aspergers. i do not understand sentimental attachment to objects, can't say it's a spectrum trait of course but it's one of those little things that seems to set me apart from NT operation. however i, perhaps as a woman with aspergers who compensates heavily, would never do this as part of my learned behaviour am aware that other people do have these attachmentsa. just asking Smile

Jux · 18/02/2018 01:19

Presumably he understands the difference between someone owning something and someone not owning something? Does he wander into people's houses and just chuck stuff he thinks they don't need? Of course he doesn't.

Why does he think he can throw other people's things away?

My dh used to do that to my stuff. Just chucked it because he didn't want it. But then, he's mainly a dick.

Motoko · 18/02/2018 02:11

This is the latest in a very long line of apparently thoughtless behaviour from dh.

This doesn't surprise me. Someone who is a good husband and father would never have done this, regardless of whether he just doesn't get attachments to "stuff".
And a good husband would have apologised if he'd thrown something away by accident, not tell his wife that she's making a mountain out of a molehill.
And a good man is not misogynistic.

Sorry OP.

WombOfOnesOwn · 18/02/2018 06:50

He's doing this kind of "thoughtless" thing on purpose, to keep you feeling defeated and show you that he doesn't have to explain himself to you. He can use this kind of thing to punish you or the children any time he feels like it, and he's got you eating out of his hand and thinking this deliberate behavior is simple thoughtlessness.

candlefloozy · 18/02/2018 06:58

No yanbu. This sounds like something my husband would do. He is not sentimental and so wouldn't see it as a problem. Very frustrating.

Clandestino · 18/02/2018 07:00

He's doing this kind of "thoughtless" thing on purpose, to keep you feeling defeated and show you that he doesn't have to explain himself to you. He can use this kind of thing to punish you or the children any time he feels like it, and he's got you eating out of his hand and thinking this deliberate behavior is simple thoughtlessness.

Agreed. It's deliberate and it's emotional abuse. He makes you feel inadequate to manipulate you. Get rid please.

Eliza9917 · 18/02/2018 07:49

I don't suppose he's explained why he thought it would be OK to throw somebody else's things away yet op, has he?

Has he accepted he's in the wrong yet?

OliviaBenson · 18/02/2018 07:56

What's his other behaviour op?

I'm shocked at what he did and his response. Accusing you of harping on is just a way of shutting you down. Can you take yourself out for the day today?

FrancisCrawford · 18/02/2018 08:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhiteWalkersWife · 18/02/2018 08:53

Self absorbed selfish and a twat, your husband is all of those for three reasons.

  1. he threw away something that didnt belong to him. Only twats treat other peoples belongings with this much disrespect and so cavalier.
  2. he doesnt care that he has done it. That you and your mum are upset. That his ds may well be upset too. Selfish.
  3. he is arguing and being shitty to you over it. Just thinking of himself and that his way is king. Selfish self absorbed and twatty.

Its funny that he is thoughtless with other peoples things isnt it? Roughly translated as 'i only give a shit over myself'.

Id go bloody nuclear at him or throw away something of is and see how calm he is then.

GnomeDePlume · 18/02/2018 09:04

So if it is all just 'stuff' I take it it would be okay to cut up his favourite tshirt for dusters or turn his favourite cds into coasters?

Many years ago DS damaged something of his DF's. He couldnt see the problem until I sat DS down with one of his favourite toys and a pair of scissors. Then DS understood. He has been far more careful with other people's property ever since.

Mind, DS was about 7 at the time, perhaps your DH hasnt grown up enough for that sort of lesson yet?

ChaChaChaCh4nges · 18/02/2018 09:23

You didn’t actually cut up DS’s toy, did you Gnome?

GnomeDePlume · 18/02/2018 10:18

No I didn't but DS needed to understand how his DF felt. He went and apologised properly to his DF as he understood the hurt he had caused.

Gabilan · 18/02/2018 10:22

perhaps as a woman with aspergers who compensates heavily, would never do this as part of my learned behaviour am aware that other people do have these attachmentsa. just asking

It's not so much about attachment though. It's about being in someone else's house and being arrogant enough to throw away something that belongs to them. My bet is that this man understands sentimental attachment and property enough that he doesn't throw away the property of large, strong men.

There's something quite sinister in throwing away the property of an older woman who feels too vulnerable to speak up. It's a power trip for him. It's territorial marking. And it's downright nasty because it's not actually thoughtless - it's thoughtful, and the thinking behind it is arrogant and cruel.

DeathStare · 18/02/2018 11:50

Flopsy what has his reaction been like this morning? Has he recognised that he was being a complete arsehole last night? And has he gone down to the landfill to look for it?

DeathStare · 18/02/2018 11:54

It's not so much about attachment though. It's about being in someone else's house and being arrogant enough to throw away something that belongs to them. My bet is that this man understands sentimental attachment and property enough that he doesn't throw away the property of large, strong men

Exactly. You don't have to have strong emotional attachments to objects to know that you do not throw away other people's possessions.

If his boss had a strange, useless object on his desk that had been there for many many years, would he decide - without asking the boss - to just walk in and throw it away? Would he heck.

There's something about power in this - that he feels he doesn't need to show respect to the OP's mother, that he feels he has the final say about what happens to OP's mother's possessions, and that he doesn't even feel the need to apologise when he's screwed up