Bloody dh, aibu?

[FlopsyMcDoodle]

Staying with my dm at the moment - 2 dc’s 5yo and 2yo, both obsessed with trains. My dm doesn’t really have any kids stuff around and her house is very much an adults house - lots of ornaments, breakables, lovely furniture, generally just fairly stressful with 2 young dc.

She dug ou a few toys that my siblings and I had left - dolls house, bit of brio and my dbro’s old electric trainset. Dc2 has been loving the trains from the electric trainset but keeps getting cross because they don’t connect properly. They’re only really designed to stay together on the proper track which is too fiddly for dc2. He kept getting cross so I said I’d put it away and get it out again when he’s older. I haven’t seen it for a couple of days so assumed either dh or dm had put it back in the loft. Dm asked me where it was today, I said I didn’t know, dh said ‘oh I threw it in the bin.’ Dm then went rummaging through the bins but bins collected yesterday and looks like they’re gone .

Dh hasn’t apologised and doesn’t see what the problem is. He thinks it’s just junk so he threw it away. Dm is upset but wouldn’t say anything. Aibu to think dh has been really fucking rude? You don’t just chuck away other people’s stuff because it’s annoying your kid. I’m bloody mortified and think he needs to apologise and replace it.

OP, i have spent years with a DH who is unable to understand other people's perspectives. I know he genuinely can't help the way he is but it doesn't make it easier to live with him. He can't change. He has no insight into his own behaviour.

I was told to think very seriously about whether I wanted to stay with him by a colleague who had stayed with a similar husband.
That wasn't a strong enough message for me, so I will be stronger for you.
Make your plans to leave now, even if you can't implement for a while. it won't get better. Don't tie your life to someone who, even if you get on well a lot of the time, is unable to see your perspective or acknowledge your feelings. You will spent your life in bouts of useless, frustrated anger. There is nothing more corrosive than not being heard. It diminishes you.
Don't end up as unhappy as me.

There is nothing more corrosive than not being heard. It diminishes you.

I heard that very clearly, middarkday. I hope things become brighter for you.

Not only is he punishing you on a regular basis, showing you that what you think or feel doesn't count, but now he's done it to your mum. He knows she's upset and he doesn't care.

None of you are of any account to him. You are mere handmaidens to his Great Self-Importance.

@Gabilan I'm not defending him! my earlier comment was deleted as I was being disablist () by asking OP a simple question which is relevant to my experience.

He took a treasured item belonging to someone else and threw it away, because he was emotionally unable to deal with his own child's irritation.

He is a shit father and a shit person.*

Agree. It's not that he's not sentimental, it's that he's an arse!

You cannot tell me a grown man would not know better at such a basic level.

Why on earth does he think it's ok to throw away someone else's property? That's basically theft.

No problem, Roberta. I didn't think you were defending him, I was just trying to answer the question you asked.

Nasty, uncaring man.
The things we keep from our children's early years are so precious.
I feel tearful and sad for your poor mum.
I know it isnt the same, but my grown up son died suddenly. The mementoes of his life, including the few childhood toys I have are incredibly important to me.
None of us know what life will throw at us. Other people's belongings should be treated with respect. Always.

Thank you everyone for your replies. Tbh this whole thing has been a bit of a lightbulb moment for me. There have been so many things over the years and particularly since dc that I’ve put down to him being completely thoughtless. I have just slightly shift my perspective and considered that it may not have been thoughtlessness but actually premeditated. That then leaves me with a person who isn’t nice but dim but just not very nice and actually quite cruel and cold.

Flopsy hoping you & your DM are ok today. Thread not been an easy read am sure but your H really hasn't behaved with the respect that his family, including his extended family, deserve. If you did this at his parents house am sure he would never let you forget it. We're just a load of strangers on the internet and this is your life, but do take some time to think about the comments and what you want going forward. Good luck

that is a big light bulb, Flopsy.

OP you now sound a bit like you are starting to question the strength of your marriage - soon as your DH knows about this thread do you think that this is the best place to do that?

👆🏻 what bazzle said.

Agree with Bazzle. Maybe you could ask MNHQ to take out your last comment. Don't let H be forewarned!

If he was 'nice but dim', he would have apologised as soon as you explained how hurtful he had been. As it is he couldn't give less of a shit that he's upset you and your mum.

He's not a very nice man.

He really couldn’t give a shit what I think about most things, I doubt he’s going to try and find this thread again. But if you are reading this darling - I’m really, really fucked off with you. Start being better or bugger off.

In case I was being a man-hating harpy, I just asked DP what he would do if someone threw away the Scalextric cars that he's had since he was a child.

His response? "I'd kill the cunt. Slowly".

It's terribly bad manners to throw away someone else's stuff. What a way to repay their hospitality!

He won't get better. Arseholes like this never do.

Are you absolutely sure he's not on the spectrum in some way? You mentioned that your son has Autism, and it is sometimes the case that there can be a family link.
He clearly does not "get" that he has done anything wrong in throwing away someone else's prized possessions. In and of itself, that is odd. But it is also concerning that he will not accept or acknowledge that his actions have upset others, even when told quite categorically that that is the case.

And now he wants you to Shut The Fuck Up.

for you, endofthelinefinally.

He's just a dick FitBit.

I have previously mentioned - my autistic DH thinks he's a twunt, I am also autistic (though in diagnosis was told I don't lack empathy) and think he's a major twunt.

Being on the spectrum is no excuse for this arseholes behaviour

Nicely put, Flopsy.

endoftheline. I’m so sorry about your son.

Fitbit he is absolutely, definitely not on the spectrum. As I said ds1 is autistic. I did a lot of research when I started noticing he was very different to his peers. I know there can be a genetic link but trust me, dh does not have autism of any form.

I actually find it a little upsetting that dh’s behaviour immediately makes people jump to the autism conclusion. Ds1 is the most considerate little boy you’ll ever meet. When he gets things wrong and I very gently correct him he can sometimes have a full blown meltdown just at the thought he may have inadvertently upset someone. Autism isn’t just about lacking empathy, sometimes autistic people can be crippled because they have too much empathy.

Yes, I get fed up with people always trying to excuse bad behaviour with some form of sn. Particularly in adults, who have had ample time to learn how to behave towards others. If there were a significant likelihood of sn in her dh, do people really not think the questioner would have some idea of it?

It's always a nice excuse to do whatever you want - "oh I can't help hitting you, I don't understand that it hurts you see". Bollocks to that.