to ask how single mothers stay afloat

[PeppersTheCat]

If you have a young baby and no family support, how do you manage the following things:

• a career/money
• hobbies
• friendships/a social life
• physical health/exercise
• a love life/dating

I've got terrible pnd so perhaps that is colouring my thoughts, but I can't see any happiness in being a single mother.

Either I stay with my abusive partner or I become a single mother. That's why I'm asking. My baby is 6 months old.

You need to prioritise:

• Returning to work
• advancing your career/skills
• affording a home
• paying into a pension

before anything else.

So I just sit in and look at 4 walls with a baby? I should just kill myself and my partner can have the baby.

I’m sorry you are having tough times. I don’t think many single parents do all of those things but then I don’t think many married parents do either. My priority is my children and my career so I can keep us going. Then friends. Hobbies/dating/exercise - not a part of my life really. But I am happy because I’m independent.

Do you think you could talk to women’s aid ?

• a career/money - benefits until I could retrain
• hobbies - had to wait until oldest was 14
• friendships/a social life - made friends at baby groups and made effort to keep those friendships up.
• physical health/exercise - walk with buggy. Otherwise no.
• a love life/dating - met a man who already had kids the same age as mine and didn't want more. We don't live together and probably can't.

Hi OP. I became a single parent when my son was 8mo. My son is now 2.

I work full time and use a childminder and receive housing benefit and child tax credit to help pay the rent and childcare fees. No spare money and always overdrawn.

No adult social life
Wouldn't even consider dating
Put on a lot of weight so have started exercising at home (kettlebells, HIIT)
My hobbies are reading and teaching myself piano online

I also got very down but working kept me sane as my colleagues are also my friends

Meet up with Mum friends at the weekend

I think your priority is seeing your gp and asking for some help, you can get through this, loads of women do, with support.

Child maintenance from the other parent and tax credits? Might be worth checking to see what you could be entitled to...

Sorry xpost. Peppers it sounds like you need someone to talk to. That’s some serious catastrophising youve got there - are you getting help for the pnd?

"So I just sit in and look at 4 walls with a baby? I should just kill myself and my partner can have the baby.""

Why would you leave your baby with an abusive man?

You need to go to the doctor, Peppers, if you are feeling suicidal.

Being a single mother is very hard, it impacts basically every aspect of your life including your mental health. But you have to safeguard your child.

The single mums I know easily manage to work as there is lots of childcare available nowadays.

They tend to book a sitter for the odd night out but socialise by taking the children with them or doing the inviting to theirs.

They aren't really fussed re dating as it's hard to keep it separate from the children and they don't want them involved so they tend not to date.

TBH you should concentrate on leaving and ensuring your job pays the bills rather than worry about a social life and new man.

You will be OK. Your abusive relationship and the PND are affecting your thinking.

Once you’ve left him you can get out of the house with the baby. You will probably find it easier to make friends (as abusive partners are so often great at isolating you), and you can support each other.

Being a single parent is much easier than being in an abusive relationship.

I became a single parent when my youngest was 7 so older than yours but it’s surprising that you do cope.
Financially it’s tough, but I do get to go out with friends occasionally and my parents babysit.
What job did you do before having your baby? Are you planning on returning to work? Do you have any support from family and friends?
I also found I invited people to my house as them I didn’t have to worry about childcare or taxis home. A group of us would get a take away and it would be a fun cheap night.
There’s light at the end of the tunnel - sometimes it takes a while for you see it though.

We cope because we just do. I've been a single parent nearly 9 years now and I have severe depression with my ex walked out. Its been a bloody hard run, but I did it because DD deserved it.

• a career/money

I gave up a career because I wasn’t seeing my children and my youngest has SEN and needed me on hand during the day. I now have jobs (plural) that fit in to school hours or evenings at home. They are not well paying. Thankfully we have a welfare system that provides some support to allow me to maintain a home and feed us.

• hobbies

Nope. Didn’t have any of those. Couldn’t afford hobbies and the childcare that was required for me to attend. I have just started ladies yoga this year (my youngest is 8) during school hours.

• friendships/a social life

Quite difficult. My best friend is also a single mother but all other friends couple up, have careers and drifted away. They get fed up asking me to things because I have to say no.

• physical health/exercise

I walk a lot, can do exercise at home, DCs are active beings so always out with them and we have a dog.

• a love life/dating

No chance of that either. I don’t get out to meet anyone in the first place. Online dating is pure shite. And dating itself requires money and babysitters.

But all of that beats a shitty relationship hands down. It blows it out of the water and off to kingdom come as far as I’m concerned. I’d be a single parent ten times over rather than go back to my ex. (He doesn’t see DCs at all so no support from him)

Do you have a job? If so keep at it if possible. See what needs to change to make it workable with a baby on your own. Changed hours?

But get away from this monster. Call women’s aid and get advice. Don’t waste your life with him.

Much depends on how you co parent and your ex’s involvement with the child.

a career/money
Same as before. Carried on with job and childcare. Plus tax credits and child maintenance.

• hobbies, - physical health/exercise

Depends on the hobby. My hobby pretty much wasn’t compatible with kids so being a single parent doesn’t make much difference. Things like the gym- lunch hour at work, or stuff i can do at home waited til kids were in bed.

• friendships/a social life
• a love life/dating

Weekends and evenings when the ex has the kids. Probably have a better social life now as i go out with friends etc. When dh and i were together there didn’t seem to be much point going out if we both couldn’t go.

They grow so fast though so before you know it they are much more self sufficient and you can leave them for an hour while you go out for a run or whatever. Even if you have little support it will change.

I left my husband and became a single parent. One of the best times of my life.
Money, I worked some evenings and every weekend at a leisure place. I used the evenings and weekends when the ex had his contact time to get shifts. Admittedly tax credit top ups for single mums was much more generous than it is now and with work plus tax credits I managed to keep them in the family home and with total control over the finances and no other adult to cater for, I managed fine.
I met loads of people at work, socialised there and when ex had kids I enjoyed a night out too.

I had no problem meeting other people. Nobody seemed put off that I had children. It was me that refused to get into anything serious that involved meeting my kids as I didn’t want to be tied to a horrible man or confuse my children.

Several years later I got a degree from the OU, moved to the seaside, fell in love, remarried and had another child.

Life is too short to waste on abusive people. Don’t let fear stop you living the life you want.

Having been in an abusive relationship with young children and been (Still am) a single Mum, I can say with conviction that being a single Mum is far and away the better option.

I

You focus on really enjoying your child's company. You can go out to nice places with them, especially when they are small, so you can use a sling or back-pack. You meet up with other mums over play-dates and to go to the playground after nursery. With social media it is less isolating than it used to be. Dating would be difficult.

Do you think you could talk to women’s aid ?

hahaha women's aid. They only want you out away from your abuser. They don't care what happens to you after that. Yes, I've spoken to women's aid. They also want you to sign papers saying they can contact social services - fuck that.

TeachesOfPeaches that's the life I see for myself, and on top of my depression, I fear it would drive me under.

Bank of M&D helped me buy my house (pre LP) so my mortgage is small.
I don't have much earning potential (even dropped out of OU due to non sleeping children) and my health is iffy so while I've always worked it's not for much.

No love life at all in a decade.
Not been out since 2015.
Prioritise gym, running and health so I can survive.