to ask how single mothers stay afloat

[PeppersTheCat]

If you have a young baby and no family support, how do you manage the following things:

• a career/money
• hobbies
• friendships/a social life
• physical health/exercise
• a love life/dating

I've got terrible pnd so perhaps that is colouring my thoughts, but I can't see any happiness in being a single mother.

Could you halt it for a year, get a part time job and get your depression under control?

I have definitely considered that, however it looks incredibly unprofessional and I have a lot of people depending on me.

I am in my final year.

So you've been a single mum before, no?

Yes with 2 school-aged children. Not with a baby that needs 24/7 care.

btw I have a CPN and am doing DBT therapy. She is not very useful and works incredibly slow. Also, I cannot trust her - When I had problems with SS she told them all my personal medical stuff. She did not support me, she sabotaged me to save her own arse.

My kids are older so it’s probably slightly different for me as they are at school but I do manage and I prefer my life being single rather than being in a bad relationship, I work, I manage my money (just about), my social life isn’t great but it’s ok, I rarely go out in the evenings but this is improving as the dc’s get older, I meet friends for lunch maybe once a month and I have family near by.

Woman’s aid are good at offering advice, they don’t just get you away from abuse, they do offer support afterwards (not sure why you think they don’t), of course they want to make sure you and your children are safe and may want to contact social services if they believe your children are at risk, why wouldn’t they?

Believe it or not OP, and I speak from experience, but loneliness is far from the worst thing that can happen to you. However, I think you’re already lonely. Despite being in a relationship and having a partner I think you are already living your fear. What is it you fear about finishing your relationship? Is it just that there would be no adult to talk to in the evenings?

Thank you to everyone that said things will get brighter. I desperately needed to hear that. I am crippled with fear and lonliness at the moment.

Well op there is your issue, being afraid of being alone. The only remedy to that is to learn how to do it. Lots of people are alone, yes even those in relationships. Learning the skill of dealing with loneliness is completely achievable but you have to change some things......learning to love YOU is the first step, list some things you like about yourself, you might be kind or have pretty eyes.....you're obviously clever doing a PhD. When we are okay being completely self reliant it also means we are better at wanker spotting......and that can only help us to cut the wheat from the chaff! Personally I LOVE being alone, I get to do everything I want. Plus you aren't really alone, you have a child.

To find out how "normal" people cope in my situation. Maybe because I cannot cope with lonliness (it literally scares me) is what means I cant function like most single parents

I've been in pretty much an identical situation to you. I coped by going to the doctor and getting out of my relationship. Loneliness isn't great but I learned to deal with it. Life gets better.

I suspect other people have done similar. That's why they are making the suggestions that they are. They're not pulling ideas from thin air. They are telling you things that actually make a difference.

They can't force you though. Whether or not you take notice is your choice.

I don't understand why you don't want SS involved. They're there to protect your child and to enable you to do that. What you don't want is for his father to have shared responsibility for him.

It can't get worse than it is OP, you need to get out and rebuild from there.

I've recently learned to drive also!

That is something I'm dying to do :)

Op, do you have BPD?

I don't manage to have it all.
When kids were too small to leave alone and needed childcare then I couldn't get a job good enough to pay for childcare for 2, so I had to hunker down and live a very limited life . Now they're old enough to spend a few hours between school and my getting home on their own, I have to rush home every day after work as I've already left them alone for too long really (in an ideal situation), so I don't know how I could ever make a relationship work. A few times I've tried but I always end up feeling pulled in too many directions and I think men start to realise that I have no freedom. They always realise this after I've slept with them, introduced them to the kids............ (well, twice).
I give up trying to have a relationship. I just try to manage financially.

When I had problems with SS she told them all my personal medical stuff. She did not support me, she sabotaged me to save her own arse

She didn't sabotage you to save her own arse. She did what she is legally obliged to do. Did you expect her to sacrifice her own professional registration and her job, in order to break the law just because you wanted her to?

People will support you but you need to be realistic in your expectations of them

Things will get better. However, it doesn’t happen by itself. It happens when you change something to make things better. In your shoes I would reach out to old friends and see if anyone wants to reconnect. I would also start going to baby groups and softplay etc and start just being around other people. Even just chatting to the person who takes your order in the coffee shop can make such a big difference to your mood. I would make a rule of getting out of the house for at least half an hour every day. It will help. Trust me.

It’s hard. And I see that you are in a bad place and not ready for practical ideas yet.

But when you are... You can find local baby groups and make friends WITH your baby. People with the same restrictions as you.

You can find mum and baby gym classes where you use your kid as a weight.

You can get adult interaction virtually, online, here.

I was a single mum with a demanding job and absolutely no support from when my son was 2 until 6. It was hard. Bloody hard. And demanding. And lonely. And scary. I got a good childminder but that was all I could really do to lighten the burden.

But they were also the best years of my life in many ways. Me and my son are incredibly close as a result. We went on loads of adventures together - we had to, I couldn’t leave him anywhere if I wanted to. We took up a hobby together when he was older. We had an amazing time. And when he was in bed I lived online.

Now I’ve remarried. I managed to date when I had made local friends to babysit.

It all seems scary because you’re trying to solve every problem, all at once. You won’t have to do that. A step at a time.

Good luck. I do know that it’s worse being lonely in a relationship, than out of it.

Woman’s aid are good at offering advice, they don’t just get you away from abuse, they do offer support afterwards (not sure why you think they don’t)

Because when I told them my fears (practically everything mentioned in this thread) they just kept repeating vague shit like "you have to put yourself first", "things will improve" but offered no actual practical indications how this would happen.

OP. Every thread you have had so far and every thread you have on this issue in the future will tell you the same thing.

Hey OP. I missed the gym so much and the high I got from it. I'm totally out of condition (and shape), so this might not be good for you, but could maybe give you some other ideas if not. It's a kettlebell workout on YouTube. It's 25 mins long and there's no jumping involved (of that's an issue for you) but works up a sweat. And you only need to buy a kettlebell - not that expensive.

m.youtube.com/watch?v=076353c2Hik

Maybe something for a quick pick me up when baby is asleep - or quiet. I hurt after the first time but it got better! There are soooo many videos out there though, I bet you could find one that suits you.

It doesn't solve any single one of your problems that you listed, but might be something you enjoy a bit?

Honestly though I am impressed that you're doing a PhD though all of this!!!!! I've not done one but several close friends have and the stress is unreal - especially when they're fed up of the subject by the end!! I've no idea how you're managing this!

I think, Peppers, that you need to work on your mental health before anything else in your life. Being unable to deal with loneliness is a massive barrier to actually being alone. You can't just "jump ship" from a shit relationship to a better one in order to fix an abusive relationship. You need to learn to be who you are.

Dialectal Behavioural Therapy takes a long time and needs your active engagement. It takes a long time because learning to do things in real time, rather than rushing through them hoping to get to the exciting bit, is part of the therapy. It's SUPPOSED to be slow, it's SUPPOSED to take a long time.

In what way is your baby's father abusing you?

Parenthood is hard. Doing it alone is even harder. I honestly thought when I had my daughter I had ruined my life, all I could do was think back to before pregnancy when I could come and go as I pleased. I get it. I really hope you find what you need.

Can your older children help out with little jobs? Whether that be with baby or round the house?

If you leave your bad relationship would there be any chance of you moving to be closer to someone (your parents, a sister etc) someone who could babysit so you can have a social life.

Being a single parent has been heaven for me (compared to the hell with my ex 10yrs ago). I had no family in the country so had reliable babysitters I could call on if needed. I didn't have money so I had to work...

• a career/money - went back to work straight away. All my salary went on bills and childcare because as an immigrant, I wasn't entitled to benefits and ex wasn't contributing.

• hobbies - I used my Annual Leave for me-time to do what I wanted. Babies don't need holidays away and neither did I.

• friendships/a social life - I'm a bit of an introvert but if my friends needed to hang out, they came to mine.

• physical health/exercise - with waking at 5am to get DC ready and walking 30mins to nursery, running for the bus, etc, I had plenty exercise

• a love life/dating - after the first few months of being single, I started to date and only chose people who could contribute positively to my life.

I ensured I had a good child routine so that bedtime was well observed so that DC was in bed by 7 and leave time for adult time.

The first step is getting yourself out of his grip which is what WA could help with.

Social services don't want your child except you're reluctant to leave the abuser.

He's not worth your precious beautiful life.
Find a way to leave and you will see a bit more clearly. Good luck.

I'm a single mum,for nearly 20 years now. When mine were younger,I honestly saw no future/no life,but I carried on,I mean I thought I have to(My children's dad ended his life),in my head I thought,I dont have that luxury!...Someone had to look after them. Now looking back,is like I'm looking at someone else's life. Your child can soon go to nursery,you get some time to yourself,to do what you please,then eventually school,gives you time to go do a course,work,whatever you choose. In the meantime,Can anyone babysit the odd night,give you time to go out,mingle :),you could go feed the ducks,play areas,etc...with your baby,you'd be surprised who you meet,relationships you form. A lot of courses also,over free childcare,gives you time to do something,meet people. Whatever it is you choose to do,places you want to go,you have to find strength and Leave your partner (how are these things even ever going to be a possibility when your in an abusive relationship)and with a bit of effort and patience,you'll be shocked at how the world doesn't seem like such an ugly place,in fact can be very much the opposite. x

Op are you on netmums? It gets a bit of stick on MN but it is good for things like local meet ups, either as a group or just you and another Mum. I’ve met a few ladies through netmums.

Also, do you have neighbours? Do you me DC play out with anyone or have friends from school you could have over for a play date and invite the mums too? My best friend is actually my first neighbour from when I had my first baby. She had her daughter a few months later and as the DC grew we mothers became friends. Around 8 house moves later between the two of us and we are still great friends and a great support to each other.

I've been a single parent for 11 years, since dd was 11 months. I haven't have any support from family or from the ex. I've enjoyed being a single parent. Some days were hard when she was really little.

Financially we are secure because I bought our house a long time ago and the mortgage is paid off. I went straight back to work after maternity leave and I've been in the same job all this time. I work 4 days instead of 5 so I have some time to myself and time to keep on top of housework. My job isn't well-paid but we get by without claiming any tax credits or benefits. I get no maintenance either. I'm good at managing money and we have savings and go on holiday every year.

As for a social life, I have a few friends but I don't go out. I haven't been out to a pub for over 8 years. I'm not interested in meeting anyone or drinking alcohol. I'm happier being single and having enough time for all my creative hobbies. My hobbies take up a lot of my spare time. There is no way I would want to live with a man again. I have no interest in sex.

I've found the stigma the hardest thing. Some people hold very old-fashioned and untrue views about single parents. DD isn't disadvantaged at all. She's very smart and mature, at the top of her class and very talented. She's cultured, has lots of hobbies and friends. All the people I know in life that have done really well for themselves grew up in single parent families.

We don't have a car so we cycle everywhere - I think that keeps us fit and healthy but we also swim, play tennis, play basketball and go to the gym sometimes. I'm a bit overweight but otherwise healthy.

I've never regretted being a single parent. I wouldn't change it.