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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

to ask how single mothers stay afloat

176 replies

PeppersTheCat · 17/02/2018 13:11

If you have a young baby and no family support, how do you manage the following things:

  • a career/money
  • hobbies
  • friendships/a social life
  • physical health/exercise
  • a love life/dating

I've got terrible pnd so perhaps that is colouring my thoughts, but I can't see any happiness in being a single mother.

OP posts:
Baubletrouble43 · 17/02/2018 13:49

echo that being a single mum is far better than being in an unhappy relationship. i left dd1s dad when she was under a year. It was tough, but I never regretted it. My lifesaver? Making friends with other single mums. We formed a support network that helped with babysitting, work, money etc and we had ALOT of laughs too. You can do this! x

Original poster
PeppersTheCat · 17/02/2018 13:49

There is no bank of M&D for me.

OP posts:
MNHQ
FlissMumsnet · 17/02/2018 13:49

Hi PeppersTheCat, we're so sorry to hear how tough things are for you right now. We hope you don't mind but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources - here.

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we hope you'll be able to take some comfort from fellow posters, but it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

Sorry for hijacking your thread PepperTheCat and we really hope things start to look up for you soon Flowers

UnimaginativeUsername · 17/02/2018 13:51

You’ll make it work @PeppersTheCat. Honestly, you will.

Original poster
PeppersTheCat · 17/02/2018 13:52

No love life at all in a decade.

It seems living your daily life alone and then dying a lone is the sacrifice all single mothers must make.

OP posts:
Baubletrouble43 · 17/02/2018 13:56

erm no, I had a very active social life and sex life when my dd was old enough to go for a sleepover at a trusted friend within our circle. My life was far from over! The sleepovers were always reciprocated so that the other mum could have a night off too. Its not all doom and gloom! x

lostmyfeckingkeysagain · 17/02/2018 13:59

It seems living your daily life alone and then dying a lone is the sacrifice all single mothers must make

That's not the case at all. I know plenty of women who have left their husbands/partners and gone on to meet someone else, get married, have more children etc.

RedHelenB · 17/02/2018 13:59

Peppers, you're being very over dramatic. With or without a partner you won't have much social life with a young baby but as they grow older that changes. I've not had a romance as a single parent but plenty of other single parents I know have.

Original poster
PeppersTheCat · 17/02/2018 14:02

I had such a hopeful life before I met my current partner. I was going places, happy and healthy. I am an utter wreck now. And he does whatever he can to break me so when I start to cry he can call me a "psycho" and "stupid cow".

OP posts:
Original poster
PeppersTheCat · 17/02/2018 14:03

Even trying to put some make up on so I can leave the house takes 2 hours because I have to comfort baby and then I just go blank and forget what I was doing.

OP posts:
TheHungryDonkey · 17/02/2018 14:04

I’m a single parent. Have been for eleven years. I don’t have any of those things. Doesn’t mean we don’t have fun and live in misery. It mostly comes down to money and how it’s prioritised. Though really a love life doesn’t ever come above chilsren and I don’t want one anyway.

Baubletrouble43 · 17/02/2018 14:04

You need to get away from him, love. ASAP. And if you were going places, happy and healthy before you met him, you can be all of that again once you get away from him xxx

Foslady · 17/02/2018 14:04

Some aspects of my life went on hold when xh walked, but it wasn’t forever. And to be honest it was a far better quality of life being single and skint then walking on eggshells around Him. Also more importantly dd knows that the way how her father is with women is NOT a healthy relationship, I’ve broken the cycle.
You get there, it works. Can’t do your regular hobby, put it on ice and find something you can do. Fitness? Long buggy walks, local leisure centre with a crèche (also see if your local college runs one - and if so you can look to retrain whilst your little one is on site) and YouTube videos. Relationships? Well I’m only just ready for one now and it’s worked for me. He has children and so appreciates i’m Not able to be spontaneous.
Look where you want to be in 5 years time - then look at what you need to get there.

Qvar · 17/02/2018 14:05

GO TO THE DOCTOR PEPPERS

Your catastrphising really badly and nobody should go blank and forget what they are doing just because they needed to comfort the baby. Your partners sounds like a shitbag but ALSO you sound mentally unwell

debbiewest0 · 17/02/2018 14:05

I have been in same situation. You need to sort the PND with help from the doctor otherwise all the great advice and positive things on this thread will just always be ignored....
lots of posters have already said that it was tough but worth it and have now got great lives - but you are not going to be able to notice them if you are in a depression....

So I had PND and a nasty partner and so I left him and became a single parent. Got help from doctor and yes it is tough and a bit lonely at first. I did not see partner again so did it all alone without his support. But joining a baby group or gingerbread for single parents, making friends there and swapping babysitting time and living carefully with your money means you can do it.
I met new partner four years later and we've been married ever since with other children. So no need to die alone....

You can do it but I think you need to sort the PND first as that's crippling.
Smile

UnimaginativeUsername · 17/02/2018 14:06

@PeppersTheCat: remember that a lot of what you’re feeling is PND exacerbated by being in a shitty relationship. Getting out of the relationship will help you to recover from the PND.

Being a single mother is not a hopeless existence. It really isn’t.

Original poster
PeppersTheCat · 17/02/2018 14:06

if you were going places, happy and healthy before you met him, you can be all of that again once you get away from him

But I now have a baby.

OP posts:
ThisLittleKitty · 17/02/2018 14:07

It's different depending on your support. I have no love life at all. I'm a totally lone parent so have been single years and will be till their older. Whereas I know many single mums who date alot, because they have the support, depends on your support network.

SmashedMug · 17/02/2018 14:08

Right now it seems terrifying and like you'll never have any of these things but try and think long term.

Yes, some of these things might have to be put on hold while you have a young baby to look after (the career/dating) but when baby is 2 or 3 (depending on your circumstances) you'll start to get free hours in childcare for them. After that it's school all day.

The other ones you can still have right now. Socialising might have to be juggled around the baby or be sort of related to the baby (toddler groups, baby groups etc) but long term, that is doable again. You can exercise with a baby. Shove it in the pram and go for walks. When it's bigger, join a gym or go to the local leisure centre and use a crèche or go when it's at preschool when you get the free hours. Put an exercise DVD on.

It'll be harder while the baby is young but the older they get, the easier is gets. Being a single parent and spending time alone is much better than being with an abuser.

UnimaginativeUsername · 17/02/2018 14:08

Once you’re not suffering from PND you’ll be able to see the baby as a huge positive in your life.

You should definitely go to see your GP.

SEsofty · 17/02/2018 14:13

Please, please, please make an appointment to see your gp. You are clearly really unhappy and the fact that you are posting on here means that you do want help.

However, random strangers on the Internet cannot give you the help you need.

Make an appointment to see your gp and tell them how you are feeling

Baubletrouble43 · 17/02/2018 14:14

Many many women are healthy and happy as single mums. Many even get qualifications and high powered jobs! A baby doesn't end your life! I know countless women who got funding and did degrees as single parents.

PhelanThePain · 17/02/2018 14:16

It seems living your daily life alone and then dying a lone is the sacrifice all single mothers must make.

Well no because babies aren’t babies for ever. In fact, they’re dependant for a very short time in comparison to the length of your life.

But I agree with everyone else, you need to see your GP and get help for your PND and discuss these feelings. You won’t be in a position to help yourself until the fog has started to clear. I’ve been there. It’s so paralysing. But it can end and you can move on to a better place.

Fenellapitstop · 17/02/2018 14:17

Please go to your gp and talk about how you feel. Speak to women’s aid as well, them telling socservs about what’s going on is not a bad thing as they will give you support. I’ve been a single parent since September, before that I was taking my dc away on my own to festivals and camping, I go away with my friends with the dc. I work full time. I have no interest in a love life at the moment but we are all so much happier and you can be too. I reckon your mood and confidence would lift if you weren’t being emotionally abused Flowers

Lettucepray · 17/02/2018 14:18

It will be tough.....at first but IT DOES GET BETTER. At the moment you are in an abusive relationship, this is colouring everything else. Until you are free from this you will not be able to see the wood for the trees. Your child is still a baby, in a few yrs they will be at school, this makes life easier. Lot's of single parents have healthy happy fulfilled lives, you can too but it's a choice. At the end of the day if you choose to stay in this relationship then both you and your child will suffer, nothing is worth that. You can be happy, choose freedom and not abuse.