Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

to ask how single mothers stay afloat

176 replies

PeppersTheCat · 17/02/2018 13:11

If you have a young baby and no family support, how do you manage the following things:

  • a career/money
  • hobbies
  • friendships/a social life
  • physical health/exercise
  • a love life/dating

I've got terrible pnd so perhaps that is colouring my thoughts, but I can't see any happiness in being a single mother.

OP posts:
Aliasgrace1 · 17/02/2018 14:20

I left my abusive ex with my 5 week old twins 6 years ago. Yeah the first couple of years were horrendous, but nothing compared to how horrendous it would have been if I'd stayed with him.

I did work part time and my dc went to nursery, that's really the only time I went out without my kids. My best friend was away in Australia until my dc were around 18 months old and she changed my life.

I met someone online when my dc were almost 2, we have our own home now, we are engaged and I've almost finished a nursing degree. It's all worked out. Good luck op, it's so hard but in the grand scheme of things it's not a long time of your life

Battleax · 17/02/2018 14:21

So I just sit in and look at 4 walls with a baby? I should just kill myself and my partner can have the baby.

Right I've been in exactly this situation with a six month old.

What you do is you get your baby the fuck out of that man's house and figure everything else out from there a bit at a time.

You CANNOT leave your child with a parent like that. She's counting on you. Come on you can do this.

Lots of women before you have done this.

Chugalug · 17/02/2018 14:21

My mum left a violent relationship,I can remember as a child pulling him off her.all the Wooden doors had holes in where he punched them.when I look at photos of me from that time ,I feel so sorry for that poor child in the middle...it didnt get any easier thou,as a court ordered I had to go and stay with him every other weekend....that's what made me the anxious,drepressed person I am today...I've never understood why courts Insist dc have to visit violent parents...I'm so sorry op you are going thou this 💐

Onlyoldontheoutside · 17/02/2018 14:23

You have one and that is colouring thing for you and your partner being cruel is making it all worse.Do see your GP.
As for it taking hours to get out of the house I do remember that and I don't wear makeup.
You need to try and get out every day if only for a walk.Are there any mother and baby groups,I found them a bit cliquey but tris a few and found one that wasn't too bad and made a few friends,even if it's only talking about babies it makes it all a little less lonely.
You don't say if you work,have family.
Having a baby is hard but you have one and an abusive oh,get clear of the last two and you and your child can have a happier future.
As for a love life,I didn't have one when I was married.

scoobydooagain · 17/02/2018 14:24

There is a future for you, I left my abusive partner when my ds was 6 mths, my parents were dead, ex p not allowed contact with ds unless supervised by social work. I went back to work , used nursery then childminder, no maintenance, but got tax credits until ds went to school - covered about half of childcare fees. I had no social life for about 4 years. I used that time to gain more qualifications. 9 years on , my life is great, I have had promotions at work, ds is doing great and I have a great dp. It was terribly difficult at the time and I often felt suicidal but you do get through it. I actually think the period of no social life was good for me, meant I got to realise what I wanted and got me over my ex. dating should not be on the horizon until you have healed. I understand why you do not wish to go to the GP, I never did but I don't think that was wise. I just wanted you to know there is a light at the end of the tunnel and you will get there and life will be so much better for you and your baby.

TheRebel · 17/02/2018 14:27

I just wanted to say that our local leisure centre has subsidised childcare, £2 for 2 hours and they take babies from 6 weeks old. Is there anything like that near you? It might help you to get out and meet new people or at the least have a little break from the baby.

thewrongcolourcup · 17/02/2018 14:27

Get to the GP
Get help
Get out

There is a way.
I left my abusive husband in October with two small kids, and my own bundle of mental health issues (PND, Depression, addiction, compulsive behaviour).
I can be done, you can do this.
You and your child deserve to be free from this man.
Flowers

newsfromnowhere · 17/02/2018 14:28

My husband left when my DCs were 4 and 2. Single parenthood is tough but I wouldn't change a thing. I went back to work after both mat leaves so that gave me income and occupation. Had tax credits and child maintenance. Also I had a lodger in our spare room when kids were small for extra income, company and to have another adult in the house so I could e.g. run to corner shop to get a pint of milk if necessary. Not much time for hobbies with work and kids, if I'm honest. Friendships - my female friends were and still are a great source of company, support, fun, happiness. In my experience few people have a wild social life with small kids so didn't feel I was missing out much there. I cooked at home for friends, or we got takeaways and a bottle of wine. Exercise was mostly in the shape of walking as much as possible on journey to/from work plus pay-as-you-go classes at lunchtime. Love life...I met my wonderful partner after 5yrs alone. We decided to take it slow and put the kids first instead of rushing into a blended family. We still don't live together full time as we ended up being very happy living apart half the week and together the other half. My DCs are in their late teens now so I've lived to tell the tale and now I really miss those days when they were young and the three of us were a tight little unit!

You are going through a really tough time and sometimes it's hard to believe that things will work out, but they will. As the saying goes, the darkest hour is just before dawn. Please talk to someone - it will give you comfort and help you to work out a way forward. Sending lots of love.

Badhairday1001 · 17/02/2018 14:29

I am really happy as a single parent to 3 kids. It's been hard work at times but I've never felt like it wasn't worth it. I've focused on my career and maintaining my friendships as my priority after my family. It has given us a better quality of life and made me very happy as I'm not just a mum when I'm at work I'm a proffessional that's really good at her job. Like others have said its hard when the children are small but that doesn't last for long and you will build a new life for you and your child. You need to go to the doctors and ask for help with your mental health to start with.

MaverickSnoopy · 17/02/2018 14:30

Perhaps the question is actually if you have an abusive partner, a young baby and no family support, how do you manage the following things:

  • a career/money
  • hobbies
  • friendships/a social life
  • physical health/exercise
  • a love life

Because the way I see it, you're unlikely to have any or many of those things when in an abusive relationship and in addition it's probably going to be a hell of a lot harder to get over your pnd and your self worth will be at rock bottom.

Can you try thinking about what you would have if you left him and what you would be able to build for yourselves?

If I were in your shoes I would hope to aim for:

Paying the bills
Having a roof over our heads
A stable job
Building some support network (even just Mummy friends)

I have 2 friends who have left abusive relationships. It was very hard for them initially but one is now in a new relationship and the other is in a relationship and they have a child together. She never thought she would be happy.

Smeaton · 17/02/2018 14:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PeppersTheCat · 17/02/2018 14:46

GP will get social services involved. I cant risk that. Social services were involved at the birth, as I let slip to a midwife what was happening to me. I was stopped from leaving the hospital with my baby so I had to retract what I said and claim it was a spiteful lie. Just so I could go home. It then took ages to get rid of ss with the threat of them taking the baby looming over my head which effected bonding as I was petrified of losing him. I still have insomnia, flashbacks and nightmares to this day.

So NO GP.

OP posts:
Thehogfather · 17/02/2018 14:47

career/ money.
Had to give mine up when I left abusive exh, wasn't compatible with lone parenting. Had a few months of income support when maternity ran out, topped up by some casual work I could take dd along to.

Did a ft degree for alternative career, continued casual work alongside. Once degree done and dd at school did various shitty jobs till an opening came up in my field.

Dd is now 14, career ok but still limited. Promotions I'm eligible for would require being more flexible on time than I can be right now, or will be till she's 18.

Hobbies- again had to give up, too expensive and not compatible with lone parenting. Lucky in a way that my career and hobby were in the same area, so my casual job allowed me to do it to some degree. Unlucky in that it served to remind me what I'd lost.

Friends- had childhood bf still, but not nearby. Again lucky in that I had some social interaction around job, unlucky because I resented some of those in a position to do it as a hobby, either because they didn't appreciate how lucky they were from my PoV. Or because they were pretty shit at it despite money but still able to do it when I couldn't, despite the fact I could beat them blindfolded.

Made some friends at playgroups, nursery pick ups, uni etc, but more casual than anyone I'd ask for help. One single parent mum I became close to after a mutual offloading of how annoying we found it when certain sahms with partners and decent incomes talked about how hard their lives were. We became and still are close, and shared lots of childcare, emergency support etc.

Health/exercise.
Again tied in with casual job. I've always been sporty, plus exercise and sport were my go to stress relief and escape throughout childhood. I did loads of walking, not least to reduce fuel costs. Also did some shitty exercise videos I got from car boots or charity shops. I don't even like aerobics, and didn't want to lose weight but beat sitting down every (long) evening. Plus sometimes I needed the adrenaline buzz if I felt low.

Love life
None existent initially. Then even when I did meet anyone, I wasn't prepared to leave dd regularly in the evenings. Might have thought differently if I'd been home in the day.

With hindsight it hasn't really changed anything since dd was 5/6. Given I don't do introducing dd to people, it just meant I ended relationships that wouldn't last earlier than I would if I didn't have a child at home. Tbh though I've always been the type who is happy single unless someone is adding to my life, rather than being someone who needs a partner and hates being single, might be harder as a lone parent in that latter group.

Even without pnd, it does seem at times in the early days that life will always be this way, but I promise you it isn't. I remember envying people who could go put their shoes on and go to the corner shop rather than it being an excursion.

PhelanThePain · 17/02/2018 14:51

It then took ages to get rid of ss with the threat of them taking the baby looming over my head which effected bonding as I was petrified of losing him.

Social services will only threaten to take your baby if you refuse to keep him safe. If you leave your partner and don’t let him near you or the baby then social services will agree you are being a protective parent.

kitkatsky · 17/02/2018 14:54

When it was me, I prioritised the career. The career was the way out even if it meant being unhappy in the short term by not embracing th other things. Even working FT in an ok job I had £90 a month for food, lowered if I had to buy DD new shoes etc. It was miserable. But a few years on and we’re happy and comfortable and all is good in the world!

grounddown · 17/02/2018 14:55

I haven't read all the posts but just wanted to say that you can leave and there is a lot of support out there both financially and emotionally. I left my (emotionally) abusive ex with a 2 year old and a baby and our lives are now brilliant.

I socialise when my DC are with exp, my career is taking off as I do an open university course alongside working part time and I exercise to a YouTube channel when the DC are in bed. I don't date, I've been totally put off but in the future I might and I would do that when my DC are with their dad.

Honestly being a single parent is not that bad. Yes you will need to claim benefits to help you but you can future proof yourself whilst that is happening by doing courses etc so that when your baby is older you won't need the support.

PeppersTheCat · 17/02/2018 14:57

Social services will only threaten to take your baby if you refuse to keep him safe. If you leave your partner and don’t let him near you or the baby then social services will agree you are being a protective parent.

Thats lovely but I have no support to take care of my baby on my own.

OP posts:
Livruns · 17/02/2018 14:57

Social Services do not exist purely to snatch your child from you. You must seek help, whether that’s via the GP or your local Children’s Centre, there is lots available out there for you. Right now you’re only seeing the negatives, but I assure you life as a single parent is not all bad. I have been on my own with my 2 children since they were 2 and 4 months, and I don’t think my life has been all that bad! Sure it’s hard sometimes but that’s true for everyone. I’ve dated, I’ve had a subsequent long term relationship and I have fantastic friends and have built up a social life and my hobbies as my children have got older.

My work includes involvement with social services and various other agencies, and they are there to help you. Of course there are horror stories and negative experiences but that is NOT the norm. Please get help to get yourself out of this situation.

Thehogfather · 17/02/2018 15:00

Please go to the Gp. Ss don't want to take anyone's child away. Imo the greatest likelihood of that happening to you is if you remain in an abusive relationship, and your mh becomes worse because you aren't seeking help.

Gps don't routinely inform ss because a mother has pnd, and even when they do have concerns and contact ss, sws don't necessarily become involved. If they do, it means that they are concerned you can't meet all your baby's needs without support. And thats what they want to offer you, support, they don't want to remove children.

PeppersTheCat · 17/02/2018 15:01

I socialise when my DC are with exp

A previous poster just said you cant leave baby with an abusive ex.

OP posts:
PhelanThePain · 17/02/2018 15:01

Thats lovely but I have no support to take care of my baby on my own.

What support do you need? Social services can put support in place. homestart can offer support too. What do you need? Plenty of people here could point you in the right direction.

PhelanThePain · 17/02/2018 15:02

A previous poster just said you cant leave baby with an abusive ex.

Well you can but it should be very obvious that you shouldnt, yes?

PeppersTheCat · 17/02/2018 15:02

All a GP can do is put me on meds. I am already on a high dose of antiDs

OP posts:
PhelanThePain · 17/02/2018 15:04

Do you have a job to go back to after maternity leave OP? It massively helped my depression when I went back to work.

PeppersTheCat · 17/02/2018 15:04

What support do you need? Social services can put support in place. homestart can offer support too. What do you need? Plenty of people here could point you in the right direction.

I get incredibly lonely. Sitting on my own for hours on end takes me to a dark place, as does returning to an empty house every day. No adult contact fucks me up.

OP posts: