to ask how single mothers stay afloat

[PeppersTheCat]

If you have a young baby and no family support, how do you manage the following things:

• a career/money
• hobbies
• friendships/a social life
• physical health/exercise
• a love life/dating

I've got terrible pnd so perhaps that is colouring my thoughts, but I can't see any happiness in being a single mother.

OP, you have PND. This is like someone with a broken leg fretting that they’ll never play football again - when you are in that space, it’s very hard to see that there’s a way out. All of your feelings are created by this mental health condition. You cannot trust your own perspective right now. And not wanting outside help? That’s part of the illness too. PND creates paranoia. Please speak to someone very regularly.

I became a single mother when my youngest was a few weeks old & eldest was 2.

I went on benefits
I started a self employed work from home business to get off jobseekers & onto tax credits
I re-trained at night into the field I work in now
I shagged around and drank too much (not proud but my self esteem was in tatters)
I met my current partner and things finally settled down
My dogs are my hobbies
We are now having a baby
I have massive credit card debt
Finally divorced (didn't gain anything from it but it's a relief to put it all behind me now)

Life with an abusive partner is not a real life

I am a single parent - DS is 7. I have a fairly well paid job with a long commute. I also have a good social life and exercise regularly. Currently single by choice but it is all achievable - it just takes time and a lot of juggling! I have been doing it for just over 3 years and it wasn't plain sailing at first but I'm much happier alone than what I was before.

Op I am a single parent of a 3 year old. I was in a dead end job and wanted to pursue a career in social work.

When I did work I only worked part time (20 hours). I got working tax credits and child tax credits. I paid private rent and no housing benefit. I managed ok for money and was able to put money aside for occasions.

I quit my job and I'm in my 2nd year of my social Work degree. My child goes to childcare Mon-Fri. I finish classes early on some days and I use this time to go to the gym/shopping/me time. My student finance pays for my childcare and I get a social work bursary , so in terms of money I'm fine.

I keep up with friends by inviting them up to my house at night for a drink or dinner or I will meet them for lunch and the child comes with me.

I ensure that we have a set routine so that my nights are free to relax or study and my child sleeps in the same bed as me because it's the only way to ensure she sleeps all night so win-win.

If I feel like life is getting to me and I'm struggling I skip a day of uni and put my child in childcare and take a day for myself. Although rare if I need it then I need it.

I had pnd when my child was 3 months old and took about a year to manage but I did get over it. Although at the moment it feels unbearable. You need to sort your mental health out as much as you can for now and make a plan. I do find it helps me when I make lists and timescales.

You can be a single parent and do a brilliant job and still have a career if you want to. I need a career to look forward to for myself because I would not want to stay at home all day it would drive me insane.

Women's aid support people who choose to stay in abusive relationships also not just to get away from them. Why part of the country are you in op

If the gym is social, find one with a crèche. Council ran are usually cheapest. Ask for recommendations of home work outs in between, for the other benefits of exercise rather than the fitness aspect.

Go to playgroups and swimming with the baby.

Volunteer to walk neighbours dogs provided they don't pull when you have a baby. Or just go for walks where dog owners do, at the times they do, passing smiles often become chats in time. Ditto any local walks, even if baby is too young for swings, you won't be the only parent at a playground desperate for an adult conversation.

Look for local Facebook groups. Don't have to be of the 'make mummy chums in pepper town' variety. Any that interest you will do, you'll have chance to chat to local people with shared interests and friendship could follow. Or at least local people to talk to.

I'll also second what a pp said about other parents assuming you have support because you have a partner. When dd was little a woman with a partner would have been far down my list of people who should get my help, or who would want a reciprocal arrangement.

Loneliness, I'm probably not normal because of my childhood, followed by an abusive husband. Being alone was always safe and enjoyable, doubly so when you know nobody can invade without your say so. Childhood also taught me to rely on myself for amusement. Not sure what tactics those without that early resilience use to learn to manage as adults.

Hi OP I am a single mum to an 11 month old but have been a single parent since the beginning.

To answer some of your questions....
work before baby i worked full time since baby i work 3 days a week and get a top up from benefits as well....its not great money but we manage. I plan things well so i know whats going where but things like christmas can still be tricky (my overdraft was a godsend) but doable.

Hobbies all of my hobbies are home hobbies so i tend to do them in the evening after baby is in bed.

friends dont really have any but it doesnt bother me, i know it does a lot of people though, and i am close to my mum and sibling.

dating im dating a lovely guy who is understanding of the fact i cant afford things he can and i cant just drop everything at the drop of a hat etc.

In short though, i am very happy and would take the life i have now over the life i had with babies father any day. Not one regret.

People are offering advice but it's not suitable for your specific circumstances as you're refusing to involve external agencies. Then you have two choices really, stay where you are and make the best of it or stay where you are until your partner abuses you so much it's obvious what's going on & the authorities will step in. Then they might take him off you because you've not engaged with them in the first place. Might be easier in the long run to call the police on 101 & report the abuse as that will be seen as you seeking help. Not involving them will make it harder for you to fight a custody battle. Then it's on record that your partner is an abuser and it's not in your child's vest interest to have unsupervised contact.

Your priority is to keep your child safe and as long as you're with your partner that's not happening. What will you do when he turns his attention from you to your child? Very often abusive partners become abusive parents, will you be able to protect your child?

If you are in the final year of your PhD and you can push through to completion then do so. If it’s making things worse then pause it. Please talk to your supervisor and graduate school - and your student union - about your situation.

It sounds like you are having an awful time, and honestly - if you leave an abusive partner you will have one less bit of awfulness in your life. I understand your reluctance to contact social services. I have a history of mental illness and hid my struggles for precisely that reason. Is there anyone involved with your mental health care that you trust?

My DD was 5 when I became a single parent and it’s so much easier because she’s in school. Before that, I was a carer for exDH and it was tough but having DD in nursery helped. It really does get easier as they grow.

a career/money
I work full time (I’m an academic). In fact, I work full time and then some: usual hours plus evening work when DD is asleep. It’s tough but I don’t get any maintenance from exDH so it’s a case of taking on what I can.

hobbies
I don’t really have any other than running, which keeps me sane.

friendships/a social life
I met most of my friends online or through work and they have been amazingly supportive. ExDH has DD every other weekend on a Fri evening to Sunday evening so there are two nights a fortnight I have if I want to go out. Otherwise, friends sometimes babysit for me if I have something specific (usually work-related) on. My DD’s schoolfriend’s Parents have stepped in in emergencies, which has been amazing.

physical health/exercise
I run when DD is at school. She and I walk everywhere. When she was younger I cycled with her in a child seat on the back of my bike or walked for miles with buggy and sling. I’m currently on crutches, though, and it’s driving me crazy not being able to do anything.

a love life/dating
I tried dating but I don’t have the time or energy. I’m not happy being single though occasionally get wistful about having a partner. I have a friend-with-benefits who I met online and I see him every month or two and we chat online now and again. I did meet someone lovely recently but it wasn’t good timing for him. I also had a partner for a year but it was more about companionship and it wasn’t really working for both of us so we parted amicably.

Oops, that should say “I am happy being single”. I genuinely am!

Hi Peppers

Are you properly on mat leave or still doing research and writing? You really need time off from the PhD to get your head straight. It would be almost impossible to do any sensible academic work caring f/t for a baby, with two other kids and an abusive partner.

Have you talked to anyone at uni about accessing additional support? Does your uni have a nursery? You could go and see the welfare officer at the students union if you need some help figuring out what benefits you'd be entitled to if you left. Do your uni even have family housing or lists of friendly landlords? I don't know what your funding arrangements are but it may be your stipend doesn't count as income so you are entitled to full benefits on top of that, as a dear friend of mine was. The financial picture may not be so bleak. You should ask about hardship funds if you need to set up a new home.

You could also access a limited range of mental health support services from student support that would not be connected to GP / SS etc. Is there a trusted faculty member you could even have a supportive chat with? In my former department there were some fab female faculty that understood real life shit just happens, and were brilliantly supportive of my colleagues. Are there any other postgrad parents, or parents groups at your uni that might be good to meet up with?

You have more than two choices op you just need to think of every scenario possible and outcome.

You may not have the strength now but you will at some point be able to leave the relationship and improve your pnd.

Your child won't get taken away if your partner abuses you aslong as if the time comes and social services get involved then will want to ensure he child is safe. So if at this point you leave him and he's no risk to the child you will be fine. If you call the police about abuse then they have a duty to make a referral to social services anyway.

The social worker didn't sabotage you. You are known to them from before anyway and your DP is known to them because he abused his ex and was a risk to her and their daughter.

He was abusive to you from day 1 and everyone here told you not to get into a relationship with him. And every thread since you have been told to leave.

Please, please go to social services and let them help you and get you away from him.

You are totally entitled to take a year’s maternity leave from the PhD. It’s not unprofessional to take time off from it when you’re dealing with everything you are.

I have 2 DC under 2 and recently left my abusive DP - its not been for long but i am already reaping the benefits in that me and the DC are happier, less stressed and doing what we want to do when we want to do it. Keeping your DC away from an abusive relationship is an eyeopener - i didnt want them to grow up thinking it was normal!

Taking some time out from your PHD while you have a young baby should not be seen as unprofessional. Also getting a part time job will give you a better chance of meeting people.

Social Services will look more negatively on you staying with an abusive man than they would on you reaching out for help. One is prioritising your child, the other is not.

I'm a part-time single mother, we have 50/50 childcare/access, whatever you call it.

I wanted to be as flexible as I could with my children so I now have a part-time job, I'm also working online teaching English.

I've trained myself in photography, so I'm learning to do business stuff, marketing/advertising to promote it.

My hobbies are still photography, reading, baking, painting, craft stuff, sewing.

I see friends a few times a week if I make time - always possible, I just need to arrange it. We have meals at each other's houses, go for coffees, walks, play dates. I see other mother's after school when the kids go for a play in the playground.

Physical health/exercise... not so great. I'm eating better. I could do more exercise like walking. I'll be swimming when the weather heats up, but so will my children then.

Love life.... not yet.

I'm pretty busy, I fill my time well. Life is good. I'm broke, just scrape by, but that's changing bit by bit.

As children get older, their needs change and so you have more time more opportunities. You can work more, go out more. When they're babies, they're dependent, it doesn't last though.

I certainly don't have it all, but I love what I do have.

I was a single mum for about 5 years, from when I found out I was pregnant with second dd and realised it was now or never to leave my abusive ex. I did rely on benefits but as it was a few years ago I didn't have the threat of UC hanging over me. I didn't have many friends ( was only 21 so wasn't living the average 21 carefree life ) it was lonely but worth it, me and my dds were incredibly close. No car so walked everywhere and that was my exercise. I was single for 4 years through choice, I didn't want another man in my dds life until they were older, i wanted to be happy on my own and know that I could cope before I relied on anyone ever again. I still miss living on my own even though I love my partner, I had the freedom to live without thinking about another adults needs. It's really not the end of the world, you will find out how strong you really are, and you'll never lose that

Are you sure there isnt homestart? I m a volunteer and our area is vadt
I travel 20 miles to my family

Would some practical help/suggestions work OP?

What is your home situation like? Do you rent? Do you own your home? Is it your P's home/rented home? Do you have any savings? Where is your income coming from right now? Does your older DCs DF see them/pay maintenance?

If you are able to give some idea what your dealing with & where the gaps are which stop you seeing a way out, we could try & fill them with suggestions to see if you can come up with a plan which helps you?

Hi

I was a single mum from when my son was just under a year to last year, he’s nearly 7. I’ve found it really hard adapting to actually being in a relationship and having someone else there to rely on

I left my abusive husband but I planned it. I like you didn’t work, so I stayed until I got a job and then I left him. I wasn’t in any physical danger from him but he was emotionally abusive, lazy and did nothing for our son it was all left to me. I found myself a job, did it until I got my first months pay and then left him. I’m not going to lie it was hard, but so worth it. The second I did it, it was a weight that lifted from me.

So hobbies- well basically not a lot in the early days, no money, no time.

Love life- again no time to do that. However working can bring you a social life, new friends, who can help with childcare.

Physical health- home work outs, get out and about to the park, some gyms have crèches but also have parent and child lessons?

Career and money- do you already have qualifications and a career? If not look in to training and there will bursaries etc.

Single mum here.. I know it feels overwhelming to consider life on your own, but it's definitely do-able. I had help with tax credits and housing benefit when I needed it. I studied in the evening when my little ones were asleep, it helped with not feeling lonely!

I think being a newish mum and having to deal with an abusive partner, you might be physically and mentally drained? Hard to be positive when you feel like that.

Some people in Woman's aid might be a bit pushy re leaving. But they normally give really good support.

Ask for help where ever you can. Allow others to support you and baby until you are feeling better. It is hard to adjust, but then life gets better. You feel freedom, you can start looking after yourself emotionally, raise your child free from abuse.. It is worth every hard day you have to go through to get there.

Please take heed of the advice given op, you can significantly turn your life around if you ask for help. Your pnd will vanish if you got rid of your partner and sought help. Everything's all tangled up atm and you can't see the wood for the trees.

I agree with previous posters that your view is being heavily coloured by both PND and the emotional hammering that goes with being in an abusive relationship.

I left an emotionally abusive marriage nearly four years ago. My kids were older, 4 and 6, when I left but I very nearly left when they were 6 months and 2. I chickened out and I wish I hadn't.

No, single motherhood isn't easy but it is a million times better than an abusive marriage. Your husband is taking advantage of your fear of loneliness.

Are you OK OP?

It is no coincidence that I left my x after the anti-depressants he bullied me in to taking kicked in.

Would it be so very bad if women's aid did contact social services?