to ask how single mothers stay afloat

[PeppersTheCat]

If you have a young baby and no family support, how do you manage the following things:

• a career/money
• hobbies
• friendships/a social life
• physical health/exercise
• a love life/dating

I've got terrible pnd so perhaps that is colouring my thoughts, but I can't see any happiness in being a single mother.

Do you have a job to go back to after maternity leave OP? It massively helped my depression when I went back to work.

Im in the middle of a very demanding phd.

I feel like you posted this thread just so you could confirm to yourself that you should stay with your abuser. You are shooting down every piece of advice offered to you so I’m not sure why you posted because it’s not to get help.

Right so why are you sitting on your own? Why aren’t you leaving the house, going to Mum and baby groups, contacting friends and meeting for coffee?

Is your PHD at a bricks and mortar university with people you can engage with?

People have different circumstances op. A financially or emotionally abusive ex might still be good with his kids.

Some people might hate the court order that allows their abusive ex to also mess up their kids heads under the heading of contact.

Some of us thank our lucky stars that abusive exs are completely off the scene, either by court order or the ex not pursuing it

contacting friends

I have no friends.

Is your PHD at a bricks and mortar university with people you can engage with

Doing a Phd is isolating. I'm doing my research on my own and it includes lots of overnights.

Home start will help with the loneliness. And won’t report you to social services unless you tell them there is abuse.

I've been there, you're thinking about it all wrong. You decided to have a child, now that child is your priority and you need to leave for their sake. Yes life won't be all sweetness and light for maybe a year but you can go on a council waiting list, get a part time job, with tax credits/maintenence etc you can get a baby sitter twice a month and go out, have friends around once your child is in bed.
If you don't leave where will you be in a year?

With all due respect it may not be all sunshine and roses but it’s considerably better than the situation you’re in now.

I’m a single mother to four children. I resent the pity and head tilts. My life is fine and what’s more I’m the captain of this ship.

Yeah it’s graft when they are tiny. But it doesn’t last forever. The next year of your life isn’t your whole story. So you can’t go out and do what you want? Well welcome to motherhood.

Finances: it’s tight at first but you won’t starve. You will be housed and have food.

Hobbies/your life: again, it’s a tiny slice of your life. Choose new hobbies, read when baby is asleep, online game, watch boxsets, forums, go for walks/hike, do online courses

Support: stop looking at what every one else has and suck it up. It’s hard yes. Fucking hard. And a grind some days but again, it doesn’t last forever. They get older.

There is immense pride in raising your children on your own. I would rather be in my position than relying on someone else for money and support. I did this all by myself and you can too.

I know this probably sounds harsh but a bit of tough love won’t kill you. You can do this. Women do not need to stay in shitty relationships because it’s hard being a single mother. I admire those women a lot more than the women who stay because they don’t want the single mother label

I have continued working in the job I had before separating from my husband. The kids go to the same school and nursery. I have to get help with child care costs now but it's worth it to stay in work. I don't go out in the evenings, have very little social life and very little time for hobbies, but I quite like knitting. Dating, no way. I'm staying single.

When is the PHD due to end? Could you halt it for a year, get a part time job and get your depression under control? I genuinely believe social isolation is one of the biggest contributors to PND. I know it definitely was for me. We are social beings. We need to be out and about chatting to other people. Having a job would give you colleagues and opportunity to socialise out of the house, meet new people etc.

Left an abusive partner when my baby was just under a year.

It seemed impossible to start with, but I eventually realised it was better for everyone, especially my child, to leave.

Five years on, things are nicely in place for me and my child. It takes time - for the first year after leaving you will most likely feel bloody awful. But it gets better. Your relationship is making you ill, you do realise that?

Another thing is that when you're in a relationship, people don't know the dynamics of it and they will be assuming that you are getting help and support from your partner that you are not in fact getting. Once you're no longer with him, people will offer help more readily.

With regard to spending the day on your own with baby, no one can change that for you except you. Go to baby groups, churches usually have free/cheap ones.

Peppers I'm a little confused. I've seen previous posts from you that indicate that as well as your baby you have two children from a previous relationship. So you've been a single mum before, no? And as a single mum you've gone on to have relationships, no? So you know it's possible.

People have expressed concern about your mental health on previous posts and they are again today with good cause. You really do need to go and speak to your GP. They will not necessarily notify social services just because you are depressed (social services would be inundated if they did), and they are unlikely to involve social services unless the abuse is physical.

Even if they do involve social services, they are there to support you. Social services only remove children from parents in a tiny minority of cases (despite the way they are portrayed on Eastenders).

You can't keep trying to cope with this. You have potential to be happy, you will be happy in the end, but you need to face up to this. Please go and speak to your GP.

What is it you hope to achieve from this thread op? I mean that genuinely.

Do you want practical ideas, like go for a walk with the pram right now just for a change of scenery?

Reassurance that pnd and the difficult early days pass?

Adult interaction?

At the moment it just comes across as though you are shooting down every idea, but if you say what you want maybe people can help

If as have already been involved but not now that wants that they see you as a fit mother,if you left your partner you are still a fit mother escaping an abusive relationship.Why exactly are you afraid of as?Did they say they would take your baby?

Ss not as

If you admit to dr you have pnd then it is very possible you will get support, maybe even get some paid nursery place to give you a break. No support can happen until you ask for help, but once you do there will be support. How is your partner with baby?

Home start will help with the loneliness

There is no home start in my area. Believe it or not, I have actually tried to help myself. There is no befriendling services in my area.

have friends around once your child is in bed.

I have no friends anymore.

How come peppers? What happened to your friends? Could you try to reconnect?

Firstly

It’s tough, and sometimes there is no light at the end of the tunnel but you’ll get there. 2 years ago I was suffering from terrible PND but refusing to seek help for it, poor and pretty scared about the future.

First you need help with your emotions, I regret not getting help sooner, when you feel better you will enjoy motherhood so much more. When you are ready find yourself a little job if you can, you will get tax credits to cover 70% of childcare costs and you will feel a sense of achievement for doing something over than being a mum.

It will take time but things will get brighter but you have to want to look for a positive future.

I say all this having been there very recently and now working, have a lovely new DP, expecting another baby and financially secure. There is always hope

What is it you hope to achieve from this thread op? I mean that genuinely.

To find out how "normal" people cope in my situation. Maybe because I cannot cope with lonliness (it literally scares me) is what means I cant function like most single parents.

I’m married, and I can honestly say I have pretty much no social life and no hobbies. Well, my twins are 17 months now and I’ve just recently started doing my hobbies again but they don’t involve leaving the house. I have health issues so we don’t get out as much as I’d like. I don’t have family either so there’s no one to help out.

That doesn’t mean I’m miserable though! My boys are great fun and we have a lovely time together (tiring and stressful too sometimes obviously). My only social life is with other mums that I’ve met.

It doesn’t have to be like this. PND is horrendous and makes you feel like you can’t do this but you can. SS will be concerned about you staying with him, not about the baby being with you.

How come peppers? What happened to your friends? Could you try to reconnect?

They all moved on. (Didnt have babies restricting them).

I also did most of my socialising at the gym every day, which I can't do now.

Why can't you take care of your baby on your own? I'm a single parent to 4 I have no help. If you can't look after one on your own the yes it sounds like you need help from ss IMO.

I'm sorry you are feeling this way.
I know first hand how you feel!
I've been a single mother since pregnancy. Ex has NO contact with DD so 100% on own.
My mum lives 50miles away, I moved in with her for first 3 months of my daughters life which made the early days much more bearable.

I teach and did my PGCE when my daughter was one. Having a degree from before and having been a teaching assistant for 4 years before my child was born made the course a little bit easier but it was without doubt the hardest year of my life though!
Having done the PGCE year, and worked a full year in teaching I then went down to 4 days a week.
On my day off I send DD to nursery and use that day for myself. Whether that be socialising, hobbies, or physical exercise...I felt guilty at first for not spending time with her on that day but that day is the only day I get to myself. Plus it's not even a full day it's from 8-5!
I have met men but never have the time to pursue anything. So guess content being just the two of us.

I know how hard it can be! When I had my child I was unemployed, broke, single, and felt like life was crap.
I am now a teacher, financially ok as my salary, maintenace and tax credits means my child and I are content. I've recently learned to drive also!
The only way is up OP. I promise u will look back some day and it will all be worth it.