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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I saw a video on his phone

262 replies

Reckinball · 16/02/2018 21:30

I've name changed for this as it's quite outing I feel.

My DH has had a very hard upbringing. His DM died when he was 21 from alcoholism. His father is a waste of space but that's another issue. DH was with his "first love" let's call her "Sally" through the whole sad episode of his mother's detrioration. They split a year after his mum died. DH met me 4 years later and we've been together nearly 6 years.

We've just moved house for the first time since moving in together years ago. The garage was full of crap so I spent all day yesterday sorting through it and skipping things. Within it all I found an old mobile. I didn't recognise it so I charged it and found that I thought it was DH's mobile from before we were together. DH never talks of his previous life before me and curiousity for the better of me. I was enjoying looking at pics of him when he was younger then came across this video.

In it my DH is drunk, absolutely smashed out of his head and lying on the bed. Sally is filming it. It starts off by her laughing and calling him pathetic etc. She then starts to kick him and amongst other things says "your just like your mother" which she repeatedly says to him.

Now I've watched that I feel sick. I can't stop thinking about it. Sally is still a friend of DH's. When she sees us on a night out or in town she comes over to speak to him, she occasionally texts him. Part of me wants to say what I've seen. Part of me wants to rip her fucking head off. Talk me down here please.

OP posts:
CapnHaddock · 17/02/2018 21:29

@pollythedolly - and in my opinion, the OP is also abusive and her husband is living with FOG with her.

That is not a normal reaction to find someone you trust committing a gross invasion of your privacy.

SundaysFunday · 17/02/2018 21:29

OP has been given a very hard time in here. I don't really think she did anything wrong and was justifiably upset by what she saw.

I hope she's had a good talk with DH and it's not dragged up painful memories for him.

pollythedolly · 17/02/2018 21:34

This really isn't an amusing thread, the OP's husband suffered abuse at the hands This really isn't an amusing thread, the OP's husband suffered abuse at the hands of one woman and now he's been subject to a gross invasion of privacy from the woman who supposedly loves him.

Don't talk shit. You ever lived with someone who has been abused in this way? I bet the OP has endured absolute crap in the first stages of their relationship and she's pissed after all she's done to help and love this man, to watch full on what that cunt did to him before.

She wants to tell her. She's a better person than me.

pollythedolly · 17/02/2018 21:37

*@pollythedolly - and in my opinion, the OP is also abusive and her husband is living with FOG with her. *

That is not a normal reaction to find someone you trust committing a gross invasion of your privacy.

Gross invasion? They are married. He left the phone in their belongings. I've told my DH about this thread. He's the OPs DH if you will, and he's with the OP.

tootiredtospeak · 17/02/2018 21:38

Oh do bore off if you read my original post you will see my advice is that she should leave her DH to make his own choice as it is empowering for him as he suffered the abuse. A set of vindictive bored bitchy women trying to make a connection between snooping on a phone to being an actual abusive partner is sickening.
That is what the face is...me being sickened by the fact that internet bullies have forced someone off their own thread.

pollythedolly · 17/02/2018 21:44

Too right tootired.

I hope the OP comes back. Some of us get it. It's complicated and definitely not black and white.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 17/02/2018 21:55

polly you can disagree with my posts but you don't know more than OP has posted and you certainly don't know where I'm coming from. Saying that somebody is 'talking shit' is a bit pointless when you've no idea beyond what's been posted and it makes you sound like a silly fangirl.

pollythedolly · 17/02/2018 22:00

Silly fan girl ?

I wish i was.

tootiredtospeak · 17/02/2018 22:16

I lost all respect for lying at the point early on where she said if she were Sally and the OP approached her she'd give her short shrift. Unreal... tells me exactly what I need to know. Antagonistic and mean. Husband gets to decide what his relationship with Sally is...agree. Make out OP is abusive just because she looked and is upset...disagree. Put yourself in the original abusers shoes and act pissed about it...nasty just plain nasty.

AskBasil · 17/02/2018 22:23

A set of vindictive bored bitchy women

Really? D'you know how misogynistic that sounds?

What are you doing here, if you genuinely think that's what Mumsnet is?

I assume that most people apart from the really obvious trolls, post in good faith, not because they are bitchy, bored, vindictive, or merely have a different POV to mine. Hmm

ReanimatedSGB · 17/02/2018 22:24

Op's a self-righteous, controlling twat. Hope the poor bloke gets the strength to leave her soon.

pollythedolly · 17/02/2018 22:38

Op's a self-righteous, controlling twat. Hope the poor bloke gets the strength to leave her soon.

What the fuck are you basing that on?
I must be a self righteous controlling twat too, that's been through hell because of another "sally".

Jesus wept

tootiredtospeak · 17/02/2018 22:41

My opinion is that the posts from a certain set of people have been bitchy and vindictive and overbearing you are both included.
I am on mumsnet to offer my opinion same as you but I will try to do it in a way that isnt mean, unkind or offensive. If you read my post it is that she should leave her DH to make his own mind up about what contact he has with Sally. Just felt like I didnt need to make out she was evil for looking at the phone because I dont think she is.

pollythedolly · 17/02/2018 22:44

She's not evil tootired. But he does need to go NC with his abuser. He's doesn't have children with her, he owes her nothing. She's nothing but a blight on their marriage and serves no purpose other than to cause pain.

ReanimatedSGB · 17/02/2018 22:58

The idea that you must 'respect the marriage' of two other people is actually a pretty poisonous one, often used by abusers to isolate their victims. if you can see that one partner is mistreating the other, it's absolutely fine to undermine the relationship as much as you can.

tootiredtospeak · 17/02/2018 23:01

Reanimated what garbled nonsense is that are you projecting by any chance?

AskBasil · 17/02/2018 23:12

I can't remember posting that I thought the OP was evil for looking at her DH's phone.

Oh that's right, that's because I didn't.

Hmm
tootiredtospeak · 17/02/2018 23:21

No you didnt say she was evil, just controlling selfish, horrible and that she has no right to speak to him about it. Cant take anything else you say seriously after that.

CapnHaddock · 17/02/2018 23:37

I'm actually quite astounded by some of the posts on here. Would you really be happy if your partners trawled through all your old letters/emails to see what had happened in your past?

That's absolutely horrifying to me.

AskBasil · 17/02/2018 23:38

Nope.

I did not call her controlling or horrible.

I did call her selfish because she sounded selfish - she was talking an awful lot about her and not her husband.

And yes, I didn't think she had the right to speak to him about something that might have been traumatic or humiliating for him to discuss with her, just because she wanted to. I don't think people have the right to demand that people have conversations with them,that they may not want to have.

I gather you disagree with that. That must mean you're vindictive, mean, offensive etc. by your logic, as anyone who posts an opinion we don't like, must be.

TBH I don't think I can take you very seriously after that either, especially at this time of night. Good night.

pollythedolly · 17/02/2018 23:43

The idea that you must 'respect the marriage' of two other people is actually a pretty poisonous one,

What?! Fucking hell.

pollythedolly · 17/02/2018 23:46

*Would you really be happy if your partners trawled through all your old letters/emails to see what had happened in your past?

That's absolutely horrifying to me.*

Is it? Wouldn't give a fuck if my DH did, nor him me. What's horrifying about it?

pollythedolly · 17/02/2018 23:50

And yes, I didn't think she had the right to speak to him about something that might have been traumatic or humiliating for him to discuss with her, just because she wanted to. I don't think people have the right to demand that people have conversations with them,that they may not want to have.

Why? When she's had to live with the consequences of such?
He might not answer and that's his right. But she has the right to her own feelings and what she's living with.

tootiredtospeak · 17/02/2018 23:53

There is little point arguing between ourselves. I feel some of the posts on here are unnecessarily mean bitchy and antagonistic if you dont fine lets agree to disagree. I wont lose sleep over it.

pollythedolly · 17/02/2018 23:54

Ugh I'm posting too much so I'll say this. Just because someone has been abused does absolutely not make the feelings of someone who is in that persons life irrelevant, or they have to back off, or mind their own business, or stop being "controlling". You live with someone who has been through this and I tell you, you start making excuses, enabling or pitying, you're fucked. OP is right.