I saw a video on his phone

[Reckinball]

I've name changed for this as it's quite outing I feel.

My DH has had a very hard upbringing. His DM died when he was 21 from alcoholism. His father is a waste of space but that's another issue. DH was with his "first love" let's call her "Sally" through the whole sad episode of his mother's detrioration. They split a year after his mum died. DH met me 4 years later and we've been together nearly 6 years.

We've just moved house for the first time since moving in together years ago. The garage was full of crap so I spent all day yesterday sorting through it and skipping things. Within it all I found an old mobile. I didn't recognise it so I charged it and found that I thought it was DH's mobile from before we were together. DH never talks of his previous life before me and curiousity for the better of me. I was enjoying looking at pics of him when he was younger then came across this video.

In it my DH is drunk, absolutely smashed out of his head and lying on the bed. Sally is filming it. It starts off by her laughing and calling him pathetic etc. She then starts to kick him and amongst other things says "your just like your mother" which she repeatedly says to him.

Now I've watched that I feel sick. I can't stop thinking about it. Sally is still a friend of DH's. When she sees us on a night out or in town she comes over to speak to him, she occasionally texts him. Part of me wants to say what I've seen. Part of me wants to rip her fucking head off. Talk me down here please.

Nobody's defending what Sally did; even her friend, the OP's husband. He knows her better than anybody else.

Anyway, OPs latter posts are very much different from her first one, she feels 'vindicated' and was always going to do this. I pity her because every argument, every slight, every hurt feeling - is going to swoop up this betrayal of trust - the OPs, that is. She's very foolish but that's her choice to be so and there's nothing else to say really.

So what was the point of your thread Op?

wreckinball Really glad it went okay: sounds like you knew what to do all along...

Not defending sally, not defending domestic violence, but I'm defending your husband's right not to have his horrific past dredged up for your own sick satisfaction. Put your superhero cape away.

Rather worrying thread, really. OP is blinded by self-righteousness and may well become genuinely abusive to her H if he starts standing up for himself and refusing to obey her or share all his thoughts with her.

OP you've picked out the role of saintly rescuer for yourself. This is an awful dynamic for a relationship, even if your initial intentions were good. You are now happily telling yourself that anything you do to your H, including gross invasions of privacy and policing his communications and his friendships, are all perfectly fine because it's 'for his own good.' When he realises that he doesn't actually need you to poke around and micromanage every aspect of his life because the poor darling was once an alkie, what will you do? How will you manage to manufacture enough drama to keep your position of superiority?

NOt read the entire thread but I really don’t think you should speak to DP about this. It was a long time ago, could be triggering and set him back!

Shitty of his ex though. I would be appalled

TheButterflyOfTheStorms
Women don't kill two men a week. Violence towards women is different.

Not when you are on the receiving end of it.

😂 this place sometimes!

Ex kicks him and abuses him despite abusing the same substance as he does = fair enough she was a weak little woman and he was a big strong man who deserved it.

OP finds evidence of this on his phone = arsehole woman and abuser! Relationship is fucked! Awful dynamic doomed to failure.

OP we have no secrets either. We use whoever's phone is closest to make phone calls/send texts and take pictures. I often say "Oh your sister text you!" And he just says "Ahh yes forgot to reply- you can do it now if you like" etc.

This is healthy. Having no secrets is healthy. If you think you are superior because your husband keeps his phone on lockdown I don't think you are amazing at 'respecting boundaries', I think your DH just doesn't want to share...

op I don't think anyone is saying domestic violence is ok. if your husband is saying she wad abusive to him then support him in that but he obviously wasn t going to tell you this. that doesn't mean he was keeping secrets from you and all tbe people saying we have no secrets well that's fine but it wasn t a secret in the marriage it was something that happened before they even knew each other and for whatever reason he didn't tell the op about it. it's not a secret people are aloud to not mention things some people won t discuss past sexual partners, some people might have had a three way when they where young and don't tell their husband about it ECT. if you think about it this way of a women posted saying when i was 18 I was really messed up had a problem with drink and was in a relationship with another addict one day I got totally out of it and they filmed me he was shouting at mr and kicking me and then sent it to me. I'm a lot older now and settled down no longer drink. I never told my husband about it and don't want to discuss it with him but he found a old phone of mine charged it up and looked at it he found the video and had brought it up with me. I would still think the husband shouldn't have looked. Anyway he seems ok with it so I would just leave it with him and if he wants to discuss it then do so but if he doesn't don't push it.

No one has said deomestic abuse is ok... we can’t see the video so have no idea. Now you know what has happened it is clearly abuse. Still wouldn’t snoop though. I also wouldn’t bring something like that up, but everyone’s relationship is different.

A counsellor doesn't 'suggest' things although a life coach might. A counsellor will help your partner explore his feelings around this situation. That might be the abuse he suffered or his feelings about you looking at his phone and discussing it with him.

I am a counsellor and with victims of any sort of abuse it is important to let them decide what action, if any, they want to take. They need to be in control of that process. A decision to leave the past behind is as valid as decision to go to the police. It is not my place to put any additional stress or pressure on them by making 'suggestions'.

@hollowtree - this isn't the OP's husband's normal phone. This is an old one that she found in a box and charged up so she could trawl through it without his consent or knowledge.

If you think that kind of behaviour is acceptable, you have very poor boundaries.

And poor reading comprehension skills given that information is in the OP.

Nope- I knew- reading skills all fine thank you!

No secrets means no secrets. If my DH found my old phone and charged it up it would be full of selfies I used to send him- in fact I hope he does- I was way better looking back then!!

You opened yourself up to that, hollowtree by suggesting that your way was 'healthy'. It isn't, not in many people's eyes. I would find 'your way' very cloying and there are plenty of people on the relationships board who feel as you do to their detriment.

You don't have the right to anything before you become a couple, not the right to secrets, not the right to history, not the right to try and re-write it. If somebody chooses to share that with you then great. They - and not you - have the right to keep it secret if they want to.

Quite Lying.

And the OP says there are no secrets between her and her husband which patently isn't true given he has never told her about his abusive relationship. Reading this thread, I can see why.

What can I say? It's healthy for us! Everyone is different I guess

If my DP snooped on my phone it wouldn't just be my privacy that he'd invaded, but that of friends with whom I'd been conversing via WhatsApp, email or text.

I might have the right to share all my secrets with him, but I do not the right to share theirs.

It's well known that abusers often seek out people who have previously been abused, because those people tend to be more vulnerable (and more desperate, and more trusting). These abusers will often dig and dig for details of the previous abuse meted out to the partner, and use it to their advantage - either to coerce more 'openness' and gratitude and humility out of the partner, or to enforce a closer, and even unhealthier bond - 'We have no secrets, I am the only person you can trust now' - or as a potential control mechanism when the partner rebels or seems not to be abject enough - 'I can see why [XP] battered you, you're so annoying, you deserve it'...

And these abusers (like many abusers) always, always think they are right. That the partner 'needs' to be controlled. That they themselves are special and wonderful and have magic healing powers (mostly, these fuckers have no professional training in addiction recovery or psychotherapy, but they may have read some wanky self-help books by celebrities).

I feel sorry for the DP and hope he manages to break free at some point.

If my DP snooped on my phone it wouldn't just be my privacy that he'd invaded, but that of friends with whom I'd been conversing via WhatsApp, email or text. I might have the right to share all my secrets with him, but I do not the right to share theirs.

^This x1000 👏 👏 👏

So, the pp's who think OP's snooping is justified because "we have no secrets from each other"...you really wouldn't mind your best friend's prying DP knowing all of your private thoughts? Honestly?

Hollowtree that's a bold statement to make. Every couple is different with various boundaries, there isn't a specific right and wrong because it's not black and white. So to state only your way is healthy is ignorant, egotistical and rude. You also show no consideration for your DPs family members by invading their privacy too.

I think there is something suspicious about the idea of "we have no secrets".

I know it depends on how you define secrets, but in many cases, what is meant by "we have no secrets" is that the other partner has no privacy. It doesn't always mean that, but it often does IME and it always slightly sets my antenna off because it can be a bit of a red flag.

OP I think that the diversion about DV, double standards etc. is a red herring. What people are concerned about, is that you seem to be imposing your version of how your DH should respond to the abuse he has experienced, on him.

You just do not have the right to do that. You're lucky, he's not angry with you, he doesn't mind that you've invaded his privacy and confronted him with a demand to engage with past abuse. That may well be because his boundaries have been so skewed, that he doesn't see anything wrong with that; or it may be because he's actually ready to deal with this now and you happen to have hit this just at the time when instead of it causing friction in your relationship, it is something you can support him with.

But you come across as someone who isn't very aware of the need to respect the boundaries of someone you feel you've rescued. This is the internet and obviously this is only a snapshot, so that may just be the way you express yourself; but you've been told by so many other people on this thread, how you're coming across, that it's quite disturbing to see how utterly impervious you seem to what they are saying.

We are expressing a concern that you have set yourself up as your DH's rescuer and will not allow him to escape that role. Here you are rescuing him again, when he many no longer feel that's necessary.

Please let him be the lead on how he deals with what happened to him. Please do not believe that you are better placed than he is, to decide how he should think and feel and act about it.

I'm sorry if you already know this and have no intention of steam-rollering him, but it really ought to give you pause for thought, that you're coming across as someone who doesn't know this.

Great post, AskBasil. OP comes across exactly as you've suggested, to me anyway. I wouldn't be able to function in a relationship with someone like the OP, I would feel stifled and 'managed'. OP's husband may be used to taking on the role of the 'the rescued' because he's been damaged but when recovery is complete, there may no longer be a role for 'a rescuer'.

I also think that whilst OP's husband might be ok with this new revelation at this point in time, he may well consider - at a later date - that actually, it wasn't ok for OP to do this. Akin almost to a betrayed spouse deciding even years after forgiveness, that they cannot see the relationship going anywhere after all...

I'm leaving this thread - it's full of DV abuser sympathisers. Easier to say that I'm the abusive one instead of admitting that the majority of you actually sided with Sally. I hope that you give yourselves a massive pat on the back for that because quite frankly a lot of you disgust me with your sympathetic view towards Sally. I hope that none of you are ever on the end of DV.

I posted to ask for advice and now that my worst fears have been confirmed I'm dealing it with my DH the way that we feel is best - I don't need anyone to tell me how to react in my marriage.

What you have seen is a snapshot of my life - a few paragraphs without knowing the history or what me and DH have been through. Instead, like I said, it's easier to say I'm the abusive one. You don't know me, neither do you know my DH. What IS disturbing is the vast majority of comments that suggest that Sally was at the end of her tether, she was trying to show him what he was really like, she was trying to save him, that I should thank Sally, that Sally thought more of my DH than I do, that I should ignore the abuse that I had seen, that my DH obviously kept the recording to remind himself as if it was a GOOD thing that she beat the shit out of him when he was unconscious and unable to react. If the majority of you do-gooders who think that and saying the abuser then you should look in the mirror. I hope that you NEVER give this advice to a woman who had experienced DV and that you never tell her it's ok to let it lie and it's in the past.

It really is no wonder that guys like my DH don't want to speak about abuse they have endured when there are so many women like you who dress it down.

I'm off to support my husband like I have done for the past 6 years,you back to flying the flag for women who abuse men. (To all those that private messaged me and gave me support on this thread thankyou)

I also think that whilst OP's husband might be ok with this new revelation at this point in time, he may well consider - at a later date - that actually, it wasn't ok for OP to do this. Akin almost to a betrayed spouse deciding even years after forgiveness, that they cannot see the relationship going anywhere after all...

With any luck. It sounds like a vulnerable bloke has gone from frying pan to fire.

Also - just to add. To those that wish my marriage to fail you must lead very very sad bitter lives to hope that a complete strangers marriage fails based on assumptions. No wonder the world is like it is today with so much bitterness about. 👋🏻