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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I saw a video on his phone

262 replies

Reckinball · 16/02/2018 21:30

I've name changed for this as it's quite outing I feel.

My DH has had a very hard upbringing. His DM died when he was 21 from alcoholism. His father is a waste of space but that's another issue. DH was with his "first love" let's call her "Sally" through the whole sad episode of his mother's detrioration. They split a year after his mum died. DH met me 4 years later and we've been together nearly 6 years.

We've just moved house for the first time since moving in together years ago. The garage was full of crap so I spent all day yesterday sorting through it and skipping things. Within it all I found an old mobile. I didn't recognise it so I charged it and found that I thought it was DH's mobile from before we were together. DH never talks of his previous life before me and curiousity for the better of me. I was enjoying looking at pics of him when he was younger then came across this video.

In it my DH is drunk, absolutely smashed out of his head and lying on the bed. Sally is filming it. It starts off by her laughing and calling him pathetic etc. She then starts to kick him and amongst other things says "your just like your mother" which she repeatedly says to him.

Now I've watched that I feel sick. I can't stop thinking about it. Sally is still a friend of DH's. When she sees us on a night out or in town she comes over to speak to him, she occasionally texts him. Part of me wants to say what I've seen. Part of me wants to rip her fucking head off. Talk me down here please.

OP posts:
NotASingleFuckToGive · 17/02/2018 16:05

You violated your DH's privacy.
Sally violated your DH'S dignity.

I think the poor guy needs shot of both of you.

CapnHaddock · 17/02/2018 16:26

Ha! Numerous PMs of support. That old chestnut

The fact that you are refusing to even countenance the notion that you overstepped the mark here because you believe that what you found totally justifies your behaviour shows how skewed your boundaries are.

I don't hope your marriage fails but I do think the pair of you could do with going to couples counselling to try and reset the codependent relationship that you have fallen into. It's not healthy for either of you.

UrADaisyIfUDo · 17/02/2018 16:32

This could be part of the reason they're exes and a painful chapter he's moved past. That's what would make me leery to bring it up. He might be over and done with it but it doesn't mean it's nice to talk about either.

WorraLiberty · 17/02/2018 16:40

My god your DH can't half pick 'em.

sexyegg · 17/02/2018 16:48

Good riddance to you then love. Don't post in AIBU and expect to be told you're not.

Ps, you're unreasonable.

Byeeeee

RainyApril · 17/02/2018 16:57

I haven't seen anyone defending dv or defending Sally, although some people made alternative suggestions before your dp revealed that the relationship was indeed abusive.

You seem determined to paint anyone who was concerned about your dp's privacy as a dv sympathiser, it's actually quite odd.

I think your dp didn't want your help or support in this area but has now had it foisted upon him.

64BooLane · 17/02/2018 17:13

Ah, another thread where thoughtful, eloquent posters spend time on well-written replies, only to be mischaracterised and insulted by the OP.

For the sake of the DH, I hope this wasn’t genuine. I must stop being drawn in by clickbaity thread titles.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 17/02/2018 17:26

Good point that, Worra, the pattern of picking the same abusive relationships, time and again. If you do it enough it seems 'normal'. It's really very sad.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 17/02/2018 17:27

I was hoping that too, 64Boo

Butterymuffin · 17/02/2018 17:41

Idon't need anyone to tell me how to react in my marriage

Great! Good job you didn't need to start a thread asking exactly that then, isn't it?

Terftastic · 17/02/2018 17:47

Nobody's sympathetic to Sally - we're sympathetic to your DH, the poor bastard.

I must admit I thought SGB was being a bit harsh last night - but from the OP's ranting posts today - I see she was spot on, as usual.

You are controlling and overbearing, OP. It was all about you.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 17/02/2018 18:46

I’ve been a victim of humiliating domestic violence. I disagreed with what you did. No one has said “sally” was in the right. You obviously feel some guilt, hence why you are lashing out so much. Give over now and be thankful that your husband took it well and move on.

Boxingdaydisappoints · 17/02/2018 18:52

A 14 year old phone with a video on ?

jellycat1 · 17/02/2018 18:58

Boxing so what? I've got phones older than that with video clips on. Wow OP you did get a kicking. Not sure I understand why really. Wish you well.

pollythedolly · 17/02/2018 19:02

I'd like to know what OP has been through with her DH actually. Not to jump on the train but because I think she may have a point if what I'm thinking is what she's trying to get across.

OP, if you haven't gone, please explain.

AskBasil · 17/02/2018 19:11

“I'm dealing it with my DH the way that we feel is best"

We? Or you? Have you got one of those marriages where the general policy of the couple, is the default opinion of one of the partners?

Sorry OP but you sound like one of those blokes who says "We're pregnant”. You are coming across as someone who doesn't understand that your role in supporting your DH, is to accept that he is the best person to decide how he deals with his own experience. Whatever you've been through with him, does not entitle you to tell him how to feel or what to do about what happened to him. He is the victim of abuse here, not you and it is absolutely essential that he controls what happens now; any attempt by any other person, even a loving and well-intentioned wife, to take charge of how he deals with this, is likely to be detrimental to him.

"I hope that you NEVER give this advice to a woman who had experienced DV and that you never tell her it's ok to let it lie and it's in the past."

I would never tell a woman who had experienced DV what it's OK for her to think and feel about it. I'd know that my role is to support her to work out for herself, what she feels and thinks and wants to do about it. You don’t support victims of violence or controlling relationships, by inflicting more controlling behaviour upon them.

pollythedolly · 17/02/2018 19:16

sorry OP but you sound like one of those blokes who says "We're pregnant”. You are coming across as someone who doesn't understand that your role in supporting your DH, is to accept that he is the best person to decide how he deals with his own experience. Whatever you've been through with him, does not entitle you to tell him how to feel or what to do about what happened to him. He is the victim of abuse here, not you and it is absolutely essential that he controls what happens now; any attempt by any other person, even a loving and well-intentioned wife, to take charge of how he deals with this, is likely to be detrimental to him.
**

Wrong and right.

Wrong: He does need a strong, protective wife that hasn't been through such so she is not in the FOG and knows the way to guide it all forward.

Right: he's got to own it, end of the day, with point above in his pocket.

tootiredtospeak · 17/02/2018 19:36

You sound like a brilliant wife to me and who wouldnt have snooped we all would. That said I have an abusive ex who I am in regular contact with due to our DC. He did some horrific things to me which I will never forget however I left him moved on and have a new and wonderful DP.

I am proud of myself for that and its my choice that I maintsin civilised contact it makes me feel more powerful. I am sure if my DP watched what had happened hed be devestated but he would respect my decision to choose. I think you should take any pressure off and do the same.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 17/02/2018 19:46

AskBasil puts it so well.

WorraLiberty · 17/02/2018 19:58

You sound like a brilliant wife to me and who wouldnt have snooped we all would

Absolute rubbish.

Many people (myself included) would have handed him the phone and the charger and left it up to him, whether he wanted to look through it.

You don't get to speak for everyone.

Yes Lying there does seem to be a bit of a pattern here sadly.

Voice0fReason · 17/02/2018 20:59

And for those who said she shouldn't have charged the phone, I would have. I wouldn't expect there to be any secrets so why wouldn't I charge it and have a look at some old pics.
That doesn't make it ok! My DH and I know each other's passwords and have no great secrets, but I still wouldn't just pick up an old phone and start searching through it. I don't have anything to hide from my DH but I'd be pissed if I found him reading through my messages.

Of course you should mention it. Presuming that you are close and share everything of course
On the grounds that he hadn't already shared this, presumably he hadn't wanted her to know. In a relationship, you wait for things to be shared, you don't go digging to find stuff out.

who wouldnt have snooped we all would.
Bollocks - I wouldn't and I know my DH wouldn't. We have basic respect for each other.

Excellent post by AskBasil

OP is delusional. People aren't excusing DV. They are defending your DH's right to have not shared this with you in the first place and decide for himself what he wants to do about it.

tootiredtospeak · 17/02/2018 20:59

If I want to sound supportive I will... thanks for letting me know I don't speak for you though its good to know there are people out there who will always do the right thing no matter what. 😝😝

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 17/02/2018 21:13

I would say that you're doing the OP a great disservice with your posts, tootired but it doesn't matter because a) she's no longer on the thread (allegedly) and b) she's as deluded as you are.

This really isn't an amusing thread, the OP's husband suffered abuse at the hands of one woman and now he's been subject to a gross invasion of privacy from the woman who supposedly loves him. I imagine, as you support the OP in that, that you would behave in just the same disgusting manner but, as you say - there are people out there who will always do the right thing. OP - and apparently you - will not, you will always do what suits you.

I don't know what those silly faces are at the end of your post but they don't add much.

pollythedolly · 17/02/2018 21:14

I speak from someone who's had a 23 yr old normal relationship, in an emotionally/physically abusive relationship and a relationship with someone who has been abused.

The OP has had a bit of a rough ride here in my opinion.

pollythedolly · 17/02/2018 21:16

And the OPs DH needs to go NC with his abuser and get past his fear, obligation and guilt.