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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be ashamed of how ungrateful I am?

155 replies

CupOfJoe · 16/02/2018 17:36

Hi all,
Try not to bash me too hard, but I know I'm being a brat...

I've recently reached the top of the career ladder in my industry, and am lucky enough to be in a fantastic job with a six figure salary that involves travelling the world for the majority of the year.
I am close to my family and they are healthy. Mild depression/anxiety aside, I'm very healthy too. I have a few good friends, hobbies that I enjoy and am on track to be mortgage free by the time I'm 30 and to help out my parents who are struggling financially.

In short, I am incredibly, insanely privileged.

But I am sad, almost all of the time. All through my childhood and teen years I was very driven and very ambitious - my goal in life was to have a successful career and to travel.

But as an adult, my secret desire is to meet a nice man and get married. I couldn't care less for the money (though admit that it does make life a lot easier, I used to be very poor so do have perspective on that). I'm absolutely mortified that deep down this is what I want, not the career or any of the ambitious stuff, but the twee stereotypically Disney Princess dream to meet The One.

I thought I'd met him but he had to take a big step back just before Christmas as his parents are terminally ill and he couldn't handle a brand new relationship (completely fair!).
I decided that I was going to work on being the best person I could, get as much life experience I could, see things, do things and try and better myself etc so I could be happy by myself.

But I'm just not. I started a business, I've learnt a foreign language, I've lost 3 stone in weight and mastered Yoga. But I'm miserable.

AIBU to think that this is utterly pathetic, and that its shameful to need a relationship? Is there anything I can do about this?

OP posts:
FluffyWuffy100 · 16/02/2018 17:39

Sounds like you could do with some therapy or life coaching or something to help you work out what you want and how you can make changes to make yourself more happy.

ButchyRestingFace · 16/02/2018 17:39

Have you tried OLD?

Not shameful to want to satisfy other needs you have (ie, husband, family) at all.

But do you think your sadness might be linked to something else? Hows your social life generally?

Situp · 16/02/2018 17:40

OP I don't think wanting a relationship is conforming to the Disney Princess stereotype. You want someone to share your life with you and there is nothing wrong with that.

There is no job or amount of money or success which would make me want to give up DH. X

Original poster
CupofJoe · 16/02/2018 17:40

FluffyWuffy100
I do have therapy when I'm back in the UK, I've had it on and off for about 5 years Confused. I'm also on medication for the anxiety.

OP posts:
Original poster
CupofJoe · 16/02/2018 17:41

But do you think your sadness might be linked to something else? Hows your social life generally?

Classic Psychology would say its attachment issues as my Father left when I was very young and rarely showed up for his visits (plays tiny violin). I do have friends who I speak to daily.

OP posts:
KERALA1 · 16/02/2018 17:43

God I remember having a big job, salary, international travel etc and was single and people would say "well you have your career "and I would rage inside - I didn't even like my bloody career I just wanted to meet a nice man and have children!

Could you meet someone through work?

FluffyWuffy100 · 16/02/2018 17:43

Traveling a lot for work can be very lonely.

puglife15 · 16/02/2018 17:46

You're not ungrateful. You recognise you are lucky to have your job.

But a career/money can't get close to replacing a close relationship, or the desire to have children.

You're only human.

BUT being sad and feeling sorry for yourself all the time, won't help you find a partner.

I'd suggest hypnotherapy rather than traditional therapy. I think it would work well for you Flowers

Original poster
CupOfJoe · 16/02/2018 17:46

Unfortunately chances of meeting anyone whilst I'm doing the job I'm doing is very very slim.

For a start about half of the year is spent in the Middle East, where as a female I'm basically not to go outside (and I don't work with any eligible bachelors).
The rest of the year is extensive travel, very job focused so highly unlikely to meet anyone then either.

OLD is an option when I'm in London but who wants to date someone who is away the majority of the year and when she's not, works 6 days a week away from home?

OP posts:
Amber0685 · 16/02/2018 17:48

You are not 30 yet if I read your post correctly. Most people I know didn't get married until their 30s, relax and enjoy yourself give it time. I would be grateful I had the financial side of things sorted. You can have a good time being single too, have you any close friends? I think you are presurizing your self too much.

Original poster
CupOfJoe · 16/02/2018 17:50

Amber0685 I'm 26 which I know logically means I'm "still young" but all of my friends family are/were shacked up around this time. I did go to Catholic School however...

OP posts:
ShowMePotatoSalad · 16/02/2018 17:51

You do seem ungrateful. Wealth and privelege don't automatically stop someone from feeling empty. Id say in a lot of cases it has the opposite effect. You clearly understand you have a lot to be thankful for so no, you are not ungrateful. But perhaps seek some support for these feelings of unhappiness. Flowers

ShowMePotatoSalad · 16/02/2018 17:52

Omg sorry that should say you DON'T seem ungrateful

Trooperslane2 · 16/02/2018 17:52

I've just resigned from a very healthy 5 figure salary because I'm

  1. burned out
  2. drinking too much (sorted out)
  3. not present enough with DH, DD, family or work
  4. miserable
  5. anxious
  6. will I go on?

go with your gut.

We are very comfortably off though I earn considerably more than DH but he can (mostly) leave work at work whereas I travel lots in the UK and Europe and I CBA with the effort, politics and bitchiness and when we were struggling to have DD I should have sacked it in earlier.

I'm now (other thread) leaving to do a masters and I feel so much better

Life is so much more than work OP. My DF and DM worked their arses off and we never had any cash for holidays/luxuries and I think my head has been turned by that - work is everything and it isn't.

Met my late DF's boss last week for a glass of wine and she was so amazing. Perspective is so important.

AllButterShortbread · 16/02/2018 17:53

Well by the sounds of it, to get what you want you will need to make some changes to your career. It sounds almost completely incompatible with dating and new relationships.

Foolish1 · 16/02/2018 17:54

Why wait if what you want is not what you are doing? Surely having achieved so much professionally it is possible for you to choose to change down a gear allowing the possibility to start living the life you want to. Work to live not live to work. A worthwhile family man is unlikely to be found jetting around the world.

Trooperslane2 · 16/02/2018 17:55

And I echo the travelling for work = shite.

My DM thought it was so glam......... in reality ...... holiday inn express at Luton Airport with a glass of yuck wine and a microwaved french bread pizza :)

though there was the Paris trip with the 5* restaurant and the Eiffel tower view when I opened my curtains

Bluelady · 16/02/2018 17:56

Your lifestyle isn't really conducive to a relationship, not because you're a woman, a man in the same boat would find it equally difficult. Wanting to be with someone you love is normal and natural. Would it be possible to pay off your mortgage as soon as you can and then downscale your career so you're actually able to enjoy your home and form a relationship? You're in a golden cage and it's not making you happy, maybe it's time to rethink.

Original poster
CupOfJoe · 16/02/2018 17:58

For clarity, the great job is new so I'm only just getting the financial security. There's no real step down, it's pretty all or nothing so I'd have to retrain in something else completely.
The "plan" is to do it for 4 or 5 years and bank the money (I give myself £50 a week to spend, the rest is saved. My living expenses are covered fortunately) and then run the business FT. But 5 years is looking like a looooong time.

OP posts:
Bluefargo · 16/02/2018 17:59

I was very anxious in the run up to my 30s about not being on course to get married etc. it was a big milestone in my eyes and I had the career etc but not that.

My 30th and maybe the following year I did wallow a bit but after that I tried to accept my lot and tried to just date as much as possible

Anyhow met someone mid 30s and two kids by 40. So glad how it’s turned out as was able to resume my career fairly easily as was senior / had proven myself.

So put your efforts into meeting people and creating opportunities to meet people. That’s the only part you have under your control!

Arapaima · 16/02/2018 17:59

OP, wanting to have a partner and a family doesn’t make you a Disney princess. It really is true that money doesn’t buy you happiness.

26 is young though so you have lots of time. Can you think of ways to use your skills in a job involving less travel? Maybe not now but in a couple of years - you could have a 5 year plan.

Arapaima · 16/02/2018 18:00

Ok sorry just saw your recent post.

Ochre37 · 16/02/2018 18:03

Honestly, if you yearn for things, it doesn't make you ungrateful for what you already have. It's more the case that when you reach your set goals, you can be left with the feeling that it's 'not all it's cracked up to be' ie the harsh realities de-mystify the fantasy that has been pushing you forwards.

Wanting a family life is nothing to ashamed or embarrassed about. I'm sure you will find a way to make it a reality if you really do want it. You are only 26. Another 15 years of fertility in all probability. Lots of time to find a partner to share your life and dreams with.

Only1scoop · 16/02/2018 18:04

Op you don't sound 'ungrateful' at all. Far from it.

sonyaya · 16/02/2018 18:04

OP it is totally understandable. I don't earn as much as you or get the travel but I've done well in my career and earn a very nice sum, with amazing friends and family. But in my 20s none of it meant that much to me because I wanted to share it with someone. I hated feeling that way - people are dying in the world and I'm moaning about being single! But I think it is natural for it to get you down if you are someone who would prefer to be in a relationship.

I am 34 now and DH and I are expecting this Spring. I met him shortly after my 30th birthday and it was totally worth the wait. I'm sure this will happen for you too, just be kind to yourself in the meantime Flowers