to be ashamed of how ungrateful I am?

[CupOfJoe]

Hi all,
Try not to bash me too hard, but I know I'm being a brat...

I've recently reached the top of the career ladder in my industry, and am lucky enough to be in a fantastic job with a six figure salary that involves travelling the world for the majority of the year.
I am close to my family and they are healthy. Mild depression/anxiety aside, I'm very healthy too. I have a few good friends, hobbies that I enjoy and am on track to be mortgage free by the time I'm 30 and to help out my parents who are struggling financially.

In short, I am incredibly, insanely privileged.

But I am sad, almost all of the time. All through my childhood and teen years I was very driven and very ambitious - my goal in life was to have a successful career and to travel.

But as an adult, my secret desire is to meet a nice man and get married. I couldn't care less for the money (though admit that it does make life a lot easier, I used to be very poor so do have perspective on that). I'm absolutely mortified that deep down this is what I want, not the career or any of the ambitious stuff, but the twee stereotypically Disney Princess dream to meet The One.

I thought I'd met him but he had to take a big step back just before Christmas as his parents are terminally ill and he couldn't handle a brand new relationship (completely fair!).
I decided that I was going to work on being the best person I could, get as much life experience I could, see things, do things and try and better myself etc so I could be happy by myself.

But I'm just not. I started a business, I've learnt a foreign language, I've lost 3 stone in weight and mastered Yoga. But I'm miserable.

AIBU to think that this is utterly pathetic, and that its shameful to need a relationship? Is there anything I can do about this?

."learned a language and mastered yoga" is this since just before Christmas? My yoga teacher has been teaching it for 20years, her mother has been teaching it for even longer and neither of them think they have mastered it!

You do seem very focussed on yourself, I think you might be happier if you put some of your undoubted energy into other people. Why not do volunteer reading at a local primary, help out sometimes at a food bank, offer to walk dogs or clean out their kennels at a rescue, join a local group cleaning up a park .

OP you are too self absorbed.

That's your problem.

I echo the posts re coaching to help you identify what you want from life. I have not had a career that rewards financially but I have been successful in my field. I also have attachment issues that I am working on! Unfortunately meeting a life partner at or by a certain point is something that cannot be controlled. If you try to, you risk compromising out of fear of your own timeline. You will meet someone lovely who loves you (and OLD can work) but they might not come along for a bit. Have adventures, keep learning about yourself and be proud of your independence. Sending you a hug. X

Totally normal to want a partner to share your life. Don’t worry, it will happen. I have many friends who didn’t meet anyone till 35/36. Good luck. Carry on being yourself.

There nothing wrong with wanting a relationship rather than (or as well as) a career.

Hi
My dream is to have what you have!
I've never been able to hold down a job or career, because of chronic illness. You are very lucky, to do what you are doing and not spend days in bed or spend an hour doing the dishwasher .

Could you start a thankful/gratitude journal and write it each day? I've done that before and it's helped allot.

OP you can have it all. Career, money, kids, partner. Go for it all. You've ticked 2 off, go for the rest!

Bloody hell who the hell are these people paying nannies £100k plus?! That's more than most solicitors

Basically you have sold your life to another family. But since you have a plan to do it only for five years, that is okay. Your plan sounds fine - save, save, save - then quit and start your life proper. You can retrain in something or get a days only non-live-in nanny job in the UK. Or you could do a degree - teaching Perhaps. Being mortgage free will give you more choices. Good luck!

Money does not buy happiness, but it can make loneliness and unhappiness a great deal less uncomfortable. What is happening to the OP is that, at long last, she is growing up.

Do you think you’re still getting over your Ex? That all sounds a bit awful.

Do you need a ‘spending limit’? If you didn’t have one, would you just spend constantly?

You’ve landed yourself an amazing job (congratulations!!), with children & parents that are nice (so far anyway). Why don’t you take all of this pressure off of yourself and decide that you’ll only do it for as long as you still want to. If you stick it for a year, then you’ll have a decent amount paid off your mortgage and savings. Then carry on if you want to or leave. Having done this job for a year, you could get another fabulous job in London for a bit less money, but a bit less travel. I don’t think mentally committing to it for 5 years is helping you at all.

Try to enjoy the experiences and opportunities this is giving you, rather than the things you’re missing out on. It’s quite possibly a once in a lifetime experience. I wish I’d enjoyed various things more along the way, instead of wanting other things and not appreciating what I was doing at the time.

Your circle of friends & family aren’t helping your mindset eith as they all seem to have ‘settled down’ so young. You really are still young enough just to enjoy & make the most of this. You might meet someone along the way, but if not, there truly is plenty of time after you have squeezed the fun & opportunities out of this experience.

I so wish I could go back & tell my 26yo self this! ...and listen.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting a man in your life & then children etc, but at 26 you have plenty of time!

One other thought, why not find a therapist that’s happy to see you when you’re in the UK, but happy to Skype sessions when you aren’t. There are plenty that work that way. Consider it money well spent.

"learned a language and mastered yoga" since Christmas

Obviously not, I've been doing yoga for 5 years, really ramped up the effort in the last year. I started learning arabic 6 months ago and I'd say I know enough to be semi-fluent. Don't know the alphabet though.

I'm going to politely disagree with the comments that I'm self absorbed, as I have spent the last 10 years looking after others, both in my job and outside of it. I was waiting for those comments though.

stressy I will definitely PM you.

Still reading the rest of the replies

NRTFT

Please don’t be so hard on yourself OP. Happiness comes from within. Once you have developed a true sense of who you are, what you want and a feeling of wellbeing that only comes with being self assured, the rest (including a life partner) will fall into place.

Well done on having a fabulous career and being financially secure!

The resounding message is summed up a lot with the PP who said "you're only 26 FFS" which is essentially what I need to keep reminding myself. I guess it's been drilled into me that its anti-feminist to want a relationship, so I'm beating myself up a bit.

YANBU. It's perfectly normal and psychologically typical to want to love someone and be loved back and to have children with that person. Not everyone needs that, not everyone wants that but you do. And that is absolutely fine. You are allowed to feel unhappy that you don't have what you want most so long as you don't let that stop you enjoying the things that you do have-which it doesn't sound like you are. No one would tell a woman with children in an abusive relationship facing homelessness that she is ungrateful because her kids alone aren't making her 100% happy. I kniw that there is a lot of bullshit about how the patriarchy is the reason you feel bad about your current situation but it's not. The reason you feel bad is because you feel bad. Your feelings are totally valid and you aren't any less grateful for what you do have-you just don't have everything that you need and that's making you unhappy and that is fine. You shouldn't feel guilty for wanting love, intimacy and, family. Everyone deserves those things and everyone is justified in wanting them in whatever form fits their needs. I really hope that one day you find them in the way that you Need. In the meantime please don't make yourself feel worse. You are not ungrateful. You are something good and it's not wrong to want to find your happiness.

I'm 27, been married for two years, in a dull but steady job, studying part time and up to my eyeballs in debt from all the frivolous overspending I did when I was 21. The only reason we're going to have our own house before we're 33ish is because DH is inheriting one later this year, which is bittersweet.

I love my husband (and dog!) to bits but I'm pretty tied to my current life. I say enjoy the job and travel and money, save like mad and see out your five year plan. There's plenty of time to be settled in one place.

I lived in the Middle East and also met my husband there. Where you live is so important to your wellbeing. Perhaps that is something that you could look into changing? And as for being in love. It doesn’t matter what you do or who you are, everyone wants to be loved! So you are completely normal in that. 🤗

I understand op, as I was in a similar situation.

As a model I was travelling the world, earning huge amounts after uni and the expereince was wonderful. I hadn't wanted to be one, it just sort of happened after being scouted.

I decided to go along with it and treat it with a bit of a sense of humour and pinch of salt as I knew it was only going to be a short stage in my life.

I got a ridiculous amount of sycophantic behaviour from everyone and wonderful perks like free meals at restaurant openings, preferential treatment everywhere.

I saved a huge amount of money and created a list of everything ££ could buy.

By age 26 I had ticked off everything I wanted to achieve apart from getting my Masters.

I then got bored: £making was not bringing me happiness for the sake of it, in fact it was making me materialistic when in my heart of hearts I was happier finding a bargain and being frugal.

I jacked everything in to become a student again and then there I met my dh, my life completely changed.

I discovered being selfless, giving, generous, kind gave me more happiness than ££making ever did.

££ gave me security, we have a beautiful home now due to my savings.

So what I am saying op is enjoy the stage you're at. Save as much as you can and then you will have peace of mind and a security blanket for the next stage in your life.

And protect your hard earned assets!

Good luck

OP, I think you've fallen in to the trap of thinking 30 is a big deal. It isn't.

Once you take that milestone - or should it be millstone in this case? - out of your scenario, your life sounds pretty fabulous. You're never going to truly enjoy what you have whilst you're intent on putting such pressure on yourself.

You have a couple of options.

1. You continue as you are, getting increasingly unhappy and anxious. For the avoidance of doubt, I don't recommend this!

2. You realise 30 doesn't mean a damn thing, and you'll settle down at an appropriate time, whether that's in 1 year or 10 years. OK, maybe the mention of 10 years is immediately scary, but it could be 1 year. You don't know. But not knowing and not caring is really freeing. Release yourself of a target date and you can really enjoy your current lifestyle. Nothing has to change but your own attitude.

3. You decide you don't think what you have right now is worth it, and you change jobs to something that results in less money, but a better work-life balance, giving you more time to find your Mr Right. It is an option, but it still puts pressure on you. Would you be OK with this option if it still took you 10 years to find a potential husband? Or would you just regret cutting a beautiful career short? I suspect you would, but it is an option you could consider.

Be kind to yourself. We all measure success differently - if you don't feel you've reached what you think success is, it doesn't matter if other people disagree. You're the person who has to live your life. Make it a happy one.

Met DH at 30, married at 35 kids, at 39/40.
Loads of time.
Save the cash, keep up the pension and stop when you're ready.
I've been a hairdresser, nanny, hair/make up artist, debt collector, receptionist, waitress, financial adviser... Just do what makes you happy and stop when it doesn't.
Everything will come in time, I promise.

Relax, relax. You don't need to be 'the best'; you are good enough.

It sounds like an amazing life for a short period, which I guess is why it's so well paid - I don't imagine many people would stay in that kind of work forever. Just do your time, enjoy your experiences and get your savings together. At 26 you can afford that time.
But no, YANBU. I could never have been fully satisfied in a career life with no family.

For the person who asked up thread why I'm being so weird about saving, its because the last highly paid job I had I hated it so much that I kept spending money (and flying home) and ended up coming out of it with nothing.
I beat myself up about it for years afterwards, because I should have come out with at least a decent house deposit but instead just frittered it away.

This job doesn't give me much opportunity to spend anyway (no time and nothing to spend on anyway) and I can't really think of anything I'd want to spend on.

My great gran was a governess most of her life working in South America and the states and only came back to Scotland in her late thirties (truly scandalous for the late 1800s)

She met a wonderful man and thankfully they had three lovely children including my granny...

You are still very young. You will come out of this with a substantial nest egg, so enjoy the travel and the job whilst you still do...

If you gave it all up tomorrow, settled somewhere that made you happy you’d still have a substantial nest egg and skills that mean you’d always be able to get a job or, you have the security to choose something completely different....

Enjoy this time and make good use of your downtime. if you can travel and have fun with your girlfriends do this before seeking a partner, I believe these things come when you least expect it....

Don’t give yourself a hard time about it and just enjoy!

Best of luck!!!

You are anything BUT bratty, ungrateful and pathetic, as you said in your OP. I think you sound pretty awesome actually! There is nothing wrong with admitting that you would like to meet someone, have a family, etc. I wish you all the luck in the world. Your professional success will also stand you in good stead in the future too; I made the mistake of being financially dependent on my ex husband, and it went to shit a bit when we split up. I will always teach my girls to have financial independence, insofar as possible. So it IS possible to have the best of both worlds, OP. I hope you find it.