to be ashamed of how ungrateful I am?

[CupOfJoe]

Hi all,
Try not to bash me too hard, but I know I'm being a brat...

I've recently reached the top of the career ladder in my industry, and am lucky enough to be in a fantastic job with a six figure salary that involves travelling the world for the majority of the year.
I am close to my family and they are healthy. Mild depression/anxiety aside, I'm very healthy too. I have a few good friends, hobbies that I enjoy and am on track to be mortgage free by the time I'm 30 and to help out my parents who are struggling financially.

In short, I am incredibly, insanely privileged.

But I am sad, almost all of the time. All through my childhood and teen years I was very driven and very ambitious - my goal in life was to have a successful career and to travel.

But as an adult, my secret desire is to meet a nice man and get married. I couldn't care less for the money (though admit that it does make life a lot easier, I used to be very poor so do have perspective on that). I'm absolutely mortified that deep down this is what I want, not the career or any of the ambitious stuff, but the twee stereotypically Disney Princess dream to meet The One.

I thought I'd met him but he had to take a big step back just before Christmas as his parents are terminally ill and he couldn't handle a brand new relationship (completely fair!).
I decided that I was going to work on being the best person I could, get as much life experience I could, see things, do things and try and better myself etc so I could be happy by myself.

But I'm just not. I started a business, I've learnt a foreign language, I've lost 3 stone in weight and mastered Yoga. But I'm miserable.

AIBU to think that this is utterly pathetic, and that its shameful to need a relationship? Is there anything I can do about this?

Spanner in the world's now as guy I was seeing has just messaged me for the first time since Christmas

*works

They always pop up just when you don't really want them to, eh?

Jux yup! Just lurking and waiting. I'd made the decision to move on over the weekend so my first thought was "really? REALLY?!"

Sorry but something here doesn’t ring true. Why is a single 26 year old on mumsnet?

Anyway if It’s a legitimate post you need to stop wallowing. Enjoy what you’re doing. The money will give you a nice home and financial freedom plus a good standard or living. If that isn’t enough, do something about it!

Why is a single 26 year old on mumsnet?

I'm a child free (by choice) 27 year old on Mumsnet and I've been here for about two years now. I like the support and advice and bunfights on this site.

I’m not knocking you for being childless but I really don’t get why you’d be on this site. I wouldn’t join a group for single child free women...

So I am 20 years on from you. I would say save the money whilst you can as it gives you opportunities later on. I am now in a position, with or without a man, that I can choose my own destiny and make it happen. Harder to do that if you can’t support those choices.

I had therapy to help deal with the empty feeling of a great job but no personal life. It helped me readdress the balance and take control of my choices.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all; in fact, I think you're quite normal in what you want. I'm sure you're not ungrateful for what you have (and it sounds like you've earned it!) more likely it's just that you want something else, someone to share your life and success with.

Don't think you're too old when you're not even 30. I didn't get married till I turned 40, and I know I'm not alone in that. I will say that I think you do need to be around lots of men so working in the middle east doesn't sound ideal! I got a job in an environment which was 95% men, so it was pretty easy from there!

Is there any way you can change up your life, slow down a bit, spend more time at home, have more of a social life, do online dating etc? Maybe that change is what it will take?

AIBU to think that this is utterly pathetic, and that its shameful to need a relationship? Is there anything I can do about this

I think our generation have been brain washed to think a career is the bee all and end all to make us happy. We're biologically programmed to want relationships through years of evolutionary history. For example birds are a species that couple up/raise a family together. It would feel extremely unnatural to them if they didn't. It's not about "need" it's about evolutionary make up.

Are you nervous that because you've got a well paying job that you like, that the universe will refuse you a meaningful relationship further down the line? If so, try not to panic. Your plan sounds very sensible, and as people keep saying, you're young yet. Somebody upthread mentioned meditation, and I'd suggest mindfulness too, to help you calm yourself down. You may meet someone during this "impossible" time and find yourselves making it work. Good luck, you're not wanting anything unreasonable at all.

Why is a single 26 year old on mumsnet?

I'm a Nanny. I joined 6 years ago to take part on the Nanny talk pages. I imagine I have more experience with children and parenting problems that the majority of Mumsnet, not that it matters in the slightest as there's no qualifications required to join.

@CupOfJoe

Only you can choose where you want your life to go. And deciding to go the family route is in no way a bad thing. But only you can decide.

BUT, posting on here (or anywhere) that as a nanny, (with no children if your own), YOU probably have more experience with children and parenting problems than the majority of mumsnetters, is just BLOODY RUDE.

When you've gone through 9 months of pregnancy, or two years of adoption, pushed out a baby, welcomed a young child, dealt with in laws, dealt with husbands, dealt with schools, clubs, play dates, kid's parties, projectile vomiting at 2am, suspected meningitis rushes to hospital, underage smoking/drinking, truanting, exam stress, unexpected kid bills, arguments with head teachers and god knows what else us parents put up with, THEN come back and tell us about your wealth of parental knowledge.

FAVE, everybody's experience is different, but I wouldn't rule out Joe's capabilities on the basis that she hasn't given birth. If I popped my clogs, the two women I'd hope to entrust my children to have not given birth themselves. Hopefully that would not be necessary, as they have a perfectly capable dad, who also has not given birth. Anyhoo, it's a bit off topic. Joe was asking about her life choices, not bragging about her maternal prowess.

That's a bit harsh @FaveNumberIs2

I think OP may mean that as she has looked after a variety of children with different needs and personalities she can add value. Also, as an ex nanny AND a mother I think she prob has experienced many of the above. I was nannying with some children whilst parents were away 6 nights/days out if 7. I didn't ignore them.

I'm not hearing that she thinks she's better than a mother.

I think we learn about ourselves as we progress through life. It’s confusing to think what you aspired to and now have, isn’t totally fulfilling you.

My career was right on track at your age, and I considered myself fortunate at the time. But I’ve never been more content than now- just potterimg around and meeting friends now that my kids are teens. I think it could be that what makes us happy at one stage, isn’t what makes us happy at another.

@Tistheseason17 @durgha

I'm not ruling them out at all. I just think what she said was very rude. You can be the perfect childminder, you can be the childminder who's looked after every possible type of child, you can be the Mary Poppins of mumsnet but looking after your own child, is totally, totally different.

There's no denying she's good at her job, her high wage tells us that, but professing to know more about parenting than a parent, is just rude.

It's like me saying I know more about running a country than the Prime Minister just because I live in the real world where I know how much milk and bread cost

@Tistheseason17 @durgha

And just to clarify, I was talking about her last post, not her original post.

FaveNumberIs2 I apologise if I offended you. I've been a nanny for almost ten years and in that time I've worked with a lot of children from newborns to teens, from only children to whole classes. I have worked 24/7 jobs and gone to parents evenings, Drs appointments and A & E with with my charges. I have watched plays, dealt with tantrums, held them when they cried, weaned and toilet trained them. I've fought with teachers over bullying issues. I've taken a family through social services as the father was sexual abusing his son.
Right now I'm in bed but will be woken up at 3am, again, by the 2 year old who is having trouble sleeping. I will be the one sorting it out.

Bar the actual pregnancy, I've done almost every aspect of parenting young children with dozens of kids, in 8 different countries.

I genuinely feel comfortable saying that I have more experience than most parents of younger children. I'm not saying I'm better.

A derail but I wanted to explain myself.

You can be the perfect childminder, you can be the childminder @FaveNumberIs2

You know I'm not a childminder, right? There's a huge difference between childminder and Nanny. I actually live with the children I look after. I have the baby monitors at night and I get them up in the morning. I do all of the feeding, all the bathing, all the trips to the toilet, all Dr's and school appointments.

The problem to me sounds like your job, OP. It’s not having reached the top level of a ‘career’, more that you have sold your life to a rich family as a well-paid indentured servant — and I’ve lived in the ME, so have a good idea of what your life is likely to be like.

If you are a goal-driven perfectionist, which is how you sound, being a nanny is boring and unchallenging, however well-paid, and your job is also making it impossible for you to date, if that is a priority. If you save now, retrain in something else that is genu8nely challenging. And, as others have said, a husband and children don’t solve anything.

RainDogs I'd never really thought about it like that. I have to say the job isn't academically challenging (physically and mentally challenging certainly!)
Though it's a lot better than previous jobs, I'm very well respected here, not servant like at all.

listened to Jeremy Vine today (radio 2) about depression.
Listen to it on chatch up. The key is to do something to make someone/something happier, not yourself

@FaveNumberIs2
So you felt she was rude? That's fine. We are all entitled to an opinion. I still think your response was unkind. You could have got your opinion across without the last unnecessary, unpleasantly worded paragraph.

As a mum, I am not the font of all knowledge and I'll take suggestions from anyone with experience, but that's just me.

patstar yes, I've been trying. I'm limited in opportunities here but I'm thrilled to be able to pay off all my Mum's debt at the end of this month, I'll feel a lot of relief when that's done.