to be ashamed of how ungrateful I am?

[CupOfJoe]

Hi all,
Try not to bash me too hard, but I know I'm being a brat...

I've recently reached the top of the career ladder in my industry, and am lucky enough to be in a fantastic job with a six figure salary that involves travelling the world for the majority of the year.
I am close to my family and they are healthy. Mild depression/anxiety aside, I'm very healthy too. I have a few good friends, hobbies that I enjoy and am on track to be mortgage free by the time I'm 30 and to help out my parents who are struggling financially.

In short, I am incredibly, insanely privileged.

But I am sad, almost all of the time. All through my childhood and teen years I was very driven and very ambitious - my goal in life was to have a successful career and to travel.

But as an adult, my secret desire is to meet a nice man and get married. I couldn't care less for the money (though admit that it does make life a lot easier, I used to be very poor so do have perspective on that). I'm absolutely mortified that deep down this is what I want, not the career or any of the ambitious stuff, but the twee stereotypically Disney Princess dream to meet The One.

I thought I'd met him but he had to take a big step back just before Christmas as his parents are terminally ill and he couldn't handle a brand new relationship (completely fair!).
I decided that I was going to work on being the best person I could, get as much life experience I could, see things, do things and try and better myself etc so I could be happy by myself.

But I'm just not. I started a business, I've learnt a foreign language, I've lost 3 stone in weight and mastered Yoga. But I'm miserable.

AIBU to think that this is utterly pathetic, and that its shameful to need a relationship? Is there anything I can do about this?

How can one say “A husband and children “don’t solve anything”? How about bringing purpose and love into your life?

Why does your name change from CupOfJoe to CupofJoe throughout the thread? Sorry if this has already been addressed.

So you’re a nanny with a six figure salary?

@CupOfJoe

I get that, I get that you are in that 'parenting' role, and that you've probably gone through more than 24hours at a time being on the job, but when it's your own child, it's different.

I don't really know how to explain it, but it's different.

I've been in a room full of potential adopters (me included) on a sexual abuse awareness course, and every one of them thought they knew how to raise kids, we'd all gone through the adoption course and every single one of them had textbook answers to questions, except me. Because my husband had a child before he met me, and that lady had died, so I became that child's stepmom from her being 11. So I had experience that no other person in that room had, and even though I'd "been there, done that" they still argued that they knew better.

I couldn't talk to children before I got my own. After I got them, I was running after school clubs and fundraising with the pta. Something about being a parent changes you, the responsibility that's more than a job, that notion that 'the buck stops here'.

I've probably done a really shit job of explaining myself here, and I apologise if I came across strong, but yeah, your comment really offended me.

I've been thinking about this sorta thing a lot lately OP. The 'can I have it all'.
My stepfather is like my actual dad as he took me on from a baby. But he was always at work and always absent. Whilst he brings home incredible money and has helped me out hugely with my home etc, he's burnt out. Tired and I'm worried he will just go BANG at any moment. He's miserable as he loves my dcs so much but barely sees them. He took us to aldi the other day and he spent the time with dd properly and I think the look on his face just melted him and made him realise he needs to stop work. But that being said, you're still young and yet to see what's around the corner. You need to be honest with yourself OP, what do you want now? I think it's possible to have it all, I really do but it does take a bit of compromise. Do you have any friends to go out with to meet someone or even get in a dating site? I met my dp through there and he's lovely. But you do get the odd weirdo. A lot of people don't settle until their 30s but if it isn't what you want you need to question it a bit