to be ashamed of how ungrateful I am?

[CupOfJoe]

Hi all,
Try not to bash me too hard, but I know I'm being a brat...

I've recently reached the top of the career ladder in my industry, and am lucky enough to be in a fantastic job with a six figure salary that involves travelling the world for the majority of the year.
I am close to my family and they are healthy. Mild depression/anxiety aside, I'm very healthy too. I have a few good friends, hobbies that I enjoy and am on track to be mortgage free by the time I'm 30 and to help out my parents who are struggling financially.

In short, I am incredibly, insanely privileged.

But I am sad, almost all of the time. All through my childhood and teen years I was very driven and very ambitious - my goal in life was to have a successful career and to travel.

But as an adult, my secret desire is to meet a nice man and get married. I couldn't care less for the money (though admit that it does make life a lot easier, I used to be very poor so do have perspective on that). I'm absolutely mortified that deep down this is what I want, not the career or any of the ambitious stuff, but the twee stereotypically Disney Princess dream to meet The One.

I thought I'd met him but he had to take a big step back just before Christmas as his parents are terminally ill and he couldn't handle a brand new relationship (completely fair!).
I decided that I was going to work on being the best person I could, get as much life experience I could, see things, do things and try and better myself etc so I could be happy by myself.

But I'm just not. I started a business, I've learnt a foreign language, I've lost 3 stone in weight and mastered Yoga. But I'm miserable.

AIBU to think that this is utterly pathetic, and that its shameful to need a relationship? Is there anything I can do about this?

00100001 Yes, it works out as £6500 a month into my account, I put £6300 a month into savings. I'm very lucky, but not in the least bit flash.

Some excellent advice here, thank you.
I guess I'm trying to work out HOW I can be satisfied by myself, I've genuinely been trying.

I want to be a governess (haven’t heard this word used outside of Victorian novels).

What qualifications do you need?

If you can save very 6k a months, you could just quit after a few months and retrain as anything you like.

How come you only take home 6.5k on a 160k salary?

Surely your take home would be nearer 8k?

Where are the other deductions, what percentage is your pension?

I pay £1k a month into a private pension, and a chunk as voluntary NI.

ButchyRestingFace officially, several years of childcare experience in a private setting, a degree in a related subject (usually a teaching one) and the typical DBS check and first aid.

Unofficially, you need to have the right face, be well spoken, reasonably young and be exceptionally laid back and flexible because plans change. A lot. A lot, a lot!!

I do not have a degree myself.

bonne-int.com

Bearing in mind your job can you accept that you’ll kill yourself for a few years But it’ll be over by the time you’re 30 and you can start again with a new career and find a relationship then? There is a very clear end to it

I have always been really career focused but even career wise real fufilment isn't all about the money & the ladder, but enjoying your work. I know it sounds cliche', but I have not realised that until I found a role I truly loved and then all of a sudden the salary didn't seem as important, and my anxiety levels were a lot lower.

I always tell my teams now in coaching, especially the younger members that it is important to climb a ladder you want to, not to be just blindsided by the salary.

Meeting someone of course is very important, but you are very young and have years ahead. It feels to me that you are more unsettled by the lack of stability than the relationship only. I didn't meet by DH until I was 31, and many of Mumsnet will tell you the same.

Long term, unless your job is your true passion, you should be able to plan your career path to something more stable, which at least gives you a base - even though some travel is probably unavoidable at that salary level. Not sure if this helps but hopefully food for thought.

Good post from @christmaswreaths

Also a PP made a good point that 5 years is ages when you are 26. Can you give yourself a 2 year plan - save like crazy (like you are doing) for 2 years then quit and get a ‘normal’ job back in London and focus on friends/Family/partner then?

28 is still super young and with a big chunk of savings puts you in a really good position.

I really sympathise (as much as I'm envious of your financial status lol but I realise you work very hard) & don't think you are being unreasonable or ungrateful at all. I completely understand your yearning to share your life & settle down with someone as that was me before I met my husband only 6.5 yrs ago at 36. In reading all of your posts I do wonder though if you are fully over your ex from last year who stole all of your money? That must've been very difficult for you & you could possibly still be a little depressed & anxious about it. Maybe it would help talking things over with someone, a close friend, gp or professional may give you the closure & the prospective for your 5 year plan? Speaking as someone who had to go down that route myself I would vouch for it helping me come to terms with my hopes & dreams.

Echoing what others have said. You are young, there is lots of time to meet someone and hopefully start a family. At 26 I and most of my friends and similar aged colleagues were still single or in not yet serious relationships. It's fine to want that for your future but do bear in mind what SGB said about wanting it so much that you settle.

I'd say do this job for a couple of years, ploughing away a good chunk of your earnings but still allowing yourself to do fun things on your downtime. Make sure you nurture your friendships and family relationships as much as you can, these are things that bring happiness and enjoyment to your life (plus you meet friends of friends .

In a few years you will be in the fortunate position of being able to choose where you want to live, presumably easily able to buy your own home if you haven't already, you'll have the option to run your own business or take another well paid job and you'll still be under 30 with everything ahead of you !

The more I'm in this job the more I love it, which is crazy to me as I absolutely did not see myself doing this type of position (I refused for years to take the leap), I guess it's the isolation that worries me - don't get me wrong, I'm having a fantastic adventure (I literally live in a palace ) but I worry that everyone else is getting on with their lives whilst I'm off knobbing about abroad.

Nothing wrong in wanting what you want. The thing with feelings is we can't change them or rationalise them they just are. Accept them, acknowledge them but don't ignore them or worse for guilty for having them that'll just add to your anxiety

OP 10 years ago my friend could have written this post EXACTLY. Well she wasn't a governess, but apart from that almost exactly the same.

She put her head down and focused on the long-term for the most part and worked for about 6 or 7 years and banked the money. She knew she wasn't getting much joy out of life so she dealt with that by taking a month or so annual leave (or maybe even unpaid leave) every year and doing charity work - different varied charity work in lots of different locations around the world. This also enabled her to learn new hobbies - skiing, diving, sailing. She found what she liked and what she didn't, made new friends from all around the world and had some wonderful experiences. It also meant that when she could take a couple of weekends away from time to time visiting the friends she had made and experiencing new places.

In her early 30s she quit the job, moved to a city she liked which had a cheaper cost of living and more relaxed lifestyle. She used the money she had saved up to buy herself a home and still had some savings. She took a job in a related field to the one she had been working in - which offered much less money (but reasonable) but a MUCH better work life balance. She is still there and loving it. She did have a long term relationship but it didn't work out. She is now looking to adopt as a single parent.

She now doesn't have ANY regrets about the choices she made. She says she is happier now than she would have been if she hadn't stayed in the job long enough to save the money - the fact that she has that financial cushion means that she can pursue her hobbies and interests, doesn't have to stick in jobs she doesn't enjoy and she knows that when she does adopt she can take a year off work without worrying about money and then work part-time.

That's just her story. Yours maybe completely different. But I just thought I'd share hers in case it helped.

Money does not make you happy. It's the people you surround yourself with and how you value yourself. I feel you need to talk to someone about how you feel. Material things can be replaced and upgraded but your happiness is key. I hope you find what you are looking for.

Even when things seem to have gone well there's often a downside. Many of the things that are considered to be the highlights in life aren't what they were cracked up to be - but hopefully lots of the bad things weren't as bad as you dreaded.

Maybe you just need to take a small step back? Consider how far you've come, what you've achieved. You may find that there's a lot you can pat yourself on the back for. I hope you have positive support and find that things get better.

Ffs, you're 26

When Your life’s expectations do not match your reality, we feel well poo.

don’t make yourself wrong for being you. You probably want a Prince Charming to give you a sense of certainty, comfort security in a you are not alone kind of way.

But really I know it sounds naff but you are enough. You are whole and perfect.

If you can cultivate a sense of gratitude for the beauty of yourself and your life this will also help as you cannot be unhappy and grateful simultaneously.

But why this?
To fulfill a basic human Need, love and connection?

It you can truly learn to love yourself, you’ll end up attracting Mr Charming anyway.

Good lucky my friend ☘️

You need to read & do the Thrive programme by Rob Kelly. It will totally sort you out in a way that conventional therapy never will. Good luck.

You remind me of myself when I was 30. Back then I was working in research, travelling and active social life etc. On the surface, my life appeared to be fun and carefree, but I was lonely and sad (at the time I didn't know why).

One day I was decorating my bedroom and it was not going well...I started crying and couldn't stop. I realised how much I wanted the marriage and the children.

I decided to follow my heart...I changed jobs and moved from a city to a small town where my sister lived.

It was there I met my now husband.

I am now 40 and have the marriage, the house and the baby. As for research well, I still do it but in different ways, but it is less important now.

Only you know what you really want.

Highly recommend meditation, as it will help you see your thoughts, and then choose them. It will you get some clarity and help you become more aware of life.
It may help you realise how brilliant you really are. As you are😉

I get it OP. I'm now a behavioural troubleshooter in London (having been a nanny and governess for many years before that). I resigned from a job offering just over £100k as I'd come to the end of the line being a servant for someone else. The family offered me more money to stay and I turned it down. They then asked me to act as a consultant for their family as the change in the children's behaviour has been marked. I have since trained three of their new nannies in my approaches, choose my own hours, and work with other families on a self employed basis - I am so much happier.

Essentially what got to me was that I could never make plans. I had to dedicate my life to them and saw everyone else going out and having fun while I was either still at work, abroad with them, or too exhausted to function. You also have the added pressure of watching very wealthy people "have it all" and it is not helpful.

I agree with the ambitious perfectionist reference that another poster made. You have to realise what you are doing , gain some perspective and self awareness, and try again from a different angle. Feel free to pm me if you want to talk about it. I know what you're going through.

I also earnt lots of money & travelled a lot, luckily well educated & lots opportunities in my 20’s. Not ungrateful but utterly unfulfilled. Changed career & also had children. Had never truly desired children until the year or so before I had them. They have stereotypically made me complete & were the thing that was missing. Not a romantic relationship, but having people to really care about.