to be ashamed of how ungrateful I am?

[CupOfJoe]

Hi all,
Try not to bash me too hard, but I know I'm being a brat...

I've recently reached the top of the career ladder in my industry, and am lucky enough to be in a fantastic job with a six figure salary that involves travelling the world for the majority of the year.
I am close to my family and they are healthy. Mild depression/anxiety aside, I'm very healthy too. I have a few good friends, hobbies that I enjoy and am on track to be mortgage free by the time I'm 30 and to help out my parents who are struggling financially.

In short, I am incredibly, insanely privileged.

But I am sad, almost all of the time. All through my childhood and teen years I was very driven and very ambitious - my goal in life was to have a successful career and to travel.

But as an adult, my secret desire is to meet a nice man and get married. I couldn't care less for the money (though admit that it does make life a lot easier, I used to be very poor so do have perspective on that). I'm absolutely mortified that deep down this is what I want, not the career or any of the ambitious stuff, but the twee stereotypically Disney Princess dream to meet The One.

I thought I'd met him but he had to take a big step back just before Christmas as his parents are terminally ill and he couldn't handle a brand new relationship (completely fair!).
I decided that I was going to work on being the best person I could, get as much life experience I could, see things, do things and try and better myself etc so I could be happy by myself.

But I'm just not. I started a business, I've learnt a foreign language, I've lost 3 stone in weight and mastered Yoga. But I'm miserable.

AIBU to think that this is utterly pathetic, and that its shameful to need a relationship? Is there anything I can do about this?

So, your 26, earning six figures and at the top of your career.

Must be a very short ladder.

What job do you do that projects you to have a milti-million pound salary by the time you hit 40?

Just curious.

Jusmyownself

A six figure salary is multi million pounds. I earn just shy of £160k, I started working in the industry at 16 so 10 years to get to this level.
I'm a governess.

Sorry, that should say ISN'T multi millions

How do you work out that it projects to multi million pounds at age 40 when the OP says she’s already at the top of the ladder?

Companionship is nice why wouldn't you want that. Perhaps make a plan. 2/3 more years on your career then focus more on dating and meeting people.

Perhaps even looking at other people who have careers that takes them away - navy submariners off the top of my head.

Projected salary would be. Unless the industry has no progression. And I cant think of any industry paying that salary which wouldnt have progression.

Arw you sure you have reached the top?

Arap

It's called salary projection.

Earn x amount at x age. Salary should increase with age.

Arw you sure you have reached the top? Absolutely positive. I was astounded when I saw the salary on offer with this job even more so when I was offered it! as in the ten years I've been in the industry, I've never seen one more than £90/£100k.

I don't think it's shameful to really want a relationship or that it needs to be a secret desire - it's what most people do after all- but you are only 26! I'm 28 and not particularly bothered about being single, but what makes a big difference is what your peers are doing, I think. Less than half my friends are married, when I see them I sometimes think - crikey I'd better get a move one- but in my normal crowd where most of us are single/dating I don't feel the desire to meet someone. Also I love Mumsnet but it is a self selecting sample - people on here are usually married with kids and many appear to have done these things younger than most people I know. Like above, meeting a future husband at 30 seems totally normal to me not something I'd be feel was a wait.

Basically, make some single friends! Also living abroad is weird and your 20s are weird so it all in all it's just a weird time.

At 26 you’ve time enough to have everything. Money does help, loving your work helps but having a committed, loving relationship and beginning to think about a family is important too. That’s not being ungrateful, it’s biology.
Now you need to focus on giving yourself the opportunities to meet Mr right. At 26 there are still plenty around who aren’t settled yet. You need to concentrate on enjoying what you have, socialising, thinking about what/ who you are looking for and get yourself into mixed company.
I suspect Tinder won’t work. I suspect it will be no good going to sewing workshops. There are young people’s supper groups and things groups aimed specifically at young professionals offering a range of activities. Things like sailing are good. Try cooking courses at smart cookery schools like Chewton Glen in the New Forest or other similar ‘doing things’ settings.
You might also need to think about what you are less good at and your vulnerabilities as you might be a bit terrifying for a nervous but lovely lad.

Also I'd suspect that if you're in the Middle East and your a governess - a very family orientated situation, you'll be feeling this a bit more than if, like me, all your friends are drunken software developers/academics/wanky media types.

If you are Catholic, try the Lourdes pilgrimages or HCPT as I know loads of couples who have met that way. My wildest one went three times and learned to drink lines of shots with an eighty year old when she was 15 - so not too holy. We went to,three weddings from Lourdes groupies last year. A young doctor and his GCHQ working wife, two teachers and an accountant who married a solicitor. Lots of young professionals. Would only work if you’re Catholic though.

It’s the world gone mad.

To want a relationship, marriage, family, stability and a home is the most normal thing in the world! Where was the edict that in order to be content or fulfilled a woman needs to go it alone?

Plus, as a governess, it’s in your face all the time. I’m sure that doesn’t help.

In your shoes (which is where I was almost exactly apart from the industry), I would take a step back. Take charge of your life. Make the changes necessary to get you to where you want to be. Nobody else will do it for you.

Money does not buy you happiness. It’s a cliche, but it’s true.
A relationship is not guaranteed to make you happy either. Many people are unhappily married.
I am happy. I’m not rich, not poor.
I have a decent husband and lovely children but it’s not really them that makes me happy.
My happiness comes from within. I like the person that I am and accept that I can’t be perfect.
I’d love more money though - life is a bit of a struggle financially at times and we work bloody hard to scrape by!

OP you are being paid a huge amount of money precisely to be on call all the time and to travel to places at a drop of a hat. It sounds really sensible to make the most of this time- I think it will have its natural end in a few years anyway as perhaps that lifestyle won't always be for you and you may tire of it. But enjoy it while you can, pay off the mortgage and I'd find a way to get more counseling as you do sound down.

Your time will come, there's no boat you have missed with regard to children and your own family, you need counselling to help you see that I think.

You are still young! I went to Catholic school too! I think focus on going out with friends when you are in the UK, on your day off. A bit harder when overseas, do you know any expats near you? Just to get a bit of a social life. What do you do regarding holidays? Could you take a longer break than usual this year? Maybe even spend some if it in the Middle East, not working but trying to meet new people. I think you need a bit of patience but completely understand you wanting to meet someone.

.

Why dont you just get a job back here in the U.K. I'm sure you will be able to do something along those lines especially in London. Then at least there will be more opportunities for meeting people than in the middle east.
Also allowing yourself just £50 per week spending money when you are on 160K is just really depressing. You would probably feel better if you were spending a bit more on yourself.
Also the man who you met was spinning you a line because if you were that important to him and he loved you issues with is parents would be worked around.

CupOfJoe, you don't sound ungrateful, you sound like someone who's reached the top and realised that it's not necessarily everything you want or need. Also with you added anxiety/depression this is bound to affect you more.

So, what do you do? As you say, you are close to being mortgage free and then helping your parents. This is a good thing for your own future.

You have a plan in motion, so you know that this isn't it forever. This is also a good thing, you have a realistic view of your future.

Five years does sound like a long time right now and that's perfectly natural. Five years at the age of 26 is one fifth of your life, the younger we are the longer years feel to us and then we get older and wonder why it's Christmas already when we only had the last one a couple of months ago. But, five years will go by more quickly than you think (I have just given myself a Specials earworm - Enjoy Yourself!). You say you have a great job, I'm assuming you enjoy it? If so, the five years should be easy to deal with and enjoy.

Once those five years have gone, you will have a long future ahead of you, to work less, to get out more, to meet that someone, to have time to spend with them and any children you might have. And, you'll be in a position to enjoy it without having to worry about finances.

If, however, you feel yourself burning out, if you're not enjoying your job, then back away, because all the money in the world is not enough to make up for misery.

Therapy is good, to help you ground yourself and take a wider perspective of your life and how you're living it and where you're going. Btw, I went to a Catholic convent school and a lot of my friends were married by 26, but luckily the friends I made outside of school once I went into the big wide world, weren't. Also, a lot of those friends who did marry didn't stay married for all manner of reasons.

I hope you can enjoy this time of your life, your freedom, your ability to be away and travel and not have to worry about anyone but yourself, to grow and become the person you want to be, build on the person you already are. I know that everything I'm saying sounds simplistic and I hope you don't feel that I'm underestimating how you feel, because I'm truly not. I know that nothing I've said is easy to do, but I hope that along with other advice offered to you here, it helps you to a place where you can feel happier.

@CupOfJoe it sounds like an internal conflict between what is seen as success and what your mind/heart it telling you you need. If your father left when you were so young, it may be very true that you crave that love, support and stability from a man that deep down you feel you missed as a child. As long as you're aware of that and don't fall in to needy/co dependant patterns then there's nothing at all wrong with that. It's really only the same as saying I'm thirsty so I need a drink.

Money does make a difference, but you don't need excessive amounts of it to be comfortable. You don't sound unreasonable at all, you just sound like you need to make a change, and 26 is a great age to do that :)

Your current job, whilst well paid, is unfortunately completely incompatible with having anything resembling a normal social life. Could you get a similar one based in the UK for the £90k mark that you mentioned, maybe? You'd stand far more chance of finding a boyfriend that way. My concern about waiting another 5 years is that you could be spending possibly crucial dating time hidden away not meeting anyone. That said, you might meet someone very quickly in 5 years' time. You just don't know.

If it makes you feel better - I'm married to a fantastic man and have 3 gorgeous children but am often sad and disappointed with my lack of success/career/travel. I have the education to make this happen but there is no way I could keep up with a busy career and be available for my young kids. :( You sound like a great catch and I'm sure you will meet someone!

Top of the career ladder at 26?!

You are very young. There's no rush. Think about what you want and alter your lifestyle accordingly. If you can get to where you've got you can do other things too.

Sorry, probably important to mention that I'm not Catholic. I'm very atheist (not against Catholics at all btw) - I just happened to go to a Catholic school where the norm is to marry young.

There's been some great advice here, but I just wanted to echo what a pp said about your 'spending money. I'm by no means saying blow all your money but could you actually be having more fun if you were willing to spend a bit more now on yourself? Could you do some solo travel or develop some hobbies if you spent more. Being mortgage free is fab but not at the cost of a miserable 20s.

You're not letting yourself down by wanting more/something else. There's plenty of time tho. You've not missed the boat at all!

Oh you lot are so wonderful, thank you so much. You've made me all teary.
I was expecting to get such a flaming.

I do love my job, I love the children I work with and the family and just phenomenal which just makes me feel like such an ungrateful moo for not being giddy with my good fortune everyday.
I've had a LOT of hideous jobs anyone remember that Nanny in Germany AIBU a few years ago? Me. so I feel like I should be so thrilled to finally have a decent one.