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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be ashamed of how ungrateful I am?

155 replies

CupOfJoe · 16/02/2018 17:36

Hi all,
Try not to bash me too hard, but I know I'm being a brat...

I've recently reached the top of the career ladder in my industry, and am lucky enough to be in a fantastic job with a six figure salary that involves travelling the world for the majority of the year.
I am close to my family and they are healthy. Mild depression/anxiety aside, I'm very healthy too. I have a few good friends, hobbies that I enjoy and am on track to be mortgage free by the time I'm 30 and to help out my parents who are struggling financially.

In short, I am incredibly, insanely privileged.

But I am sad, almost all of the time. All through my childhood and teen years I was very driven and very ambitious - my goal in life was to have a successful career and to travel.

But as an adult, my secret desire is to meet a nice man and get married. I couldn't care less for the money (though admit that it does make life a lot easier, I used to be very poor so do have perspective on that). I'm absolutely mortified that deep down this is what I want, not the career or any of the ambitious stuff, but the twee stereotypically Disney Princess dream to meet The One.

I thought I'd met him but he had to take a big step back just before Christmas as his parents are terminally ill and he couldn't handle a brand new relationship (completely fair!).
I decided that I was going to work on being the best person I could, get as much life experience I could, see things, do things and try and better myself etc so I could be happy by myself.

But I'm just not. I started a business, I've learnt a foreign language, I've lost 3 stone in weight and mastered Yoga. But I'm miserable.

AIBU to think that this is utterly pathetic, and that its shameful to need a relationship? Is there anything I can do about this?

OP posts:
Original poster
CupOfJoe · 16/02/2018 18:54

I can see what people are saying about the money thing but I'm a bit worried about not banking as much as I can.
My ex stole all my money early last year, leaving me in a considerable amount of debt so I feel like I need to build myself more security (and of course never let anyone near my bank account again!)

OP posts:
Pinkrabbit72 · 16/02/2018 18:55

I never thought marriage would happen for me, it always felt as if relationships were meant for everyone else. I met the love of my life when I least expected it and we are so happy. I can totally understand how you feel and I used to feel just the same. What I'm trying to say is, please don't worry, I'm sure it will happen for you and you're in a good place with your career and financially (more than I was), so you have a solid basis for your life. Can you take up a hobby or join a club? I met my DH dancing.

caringcarer · 16/02/2018 18:57

When Psychologist measure success they look to personal fulfillment rather than material things. Yanbu to want a fulfilling relationship with a significant other in your life. We all need someone to make us feel special. Get out and meets lots of new people and have fun looking for 'the one' to make you happy.

Chanelprincess · 16/02/2018 18:57

You're not ungrateful at all. You're just ready now to focus on another area of your life. There are like-minded men out there who would be perfect for you and who will be understanding and accommodating of the demands of your career. I managed to find one so I'm talking from experience. Smile Don't rule out OLD but choose carefully and maybe consider a more personal approach even though it's costly. Ask friends and colleagues to introduce you to potentially eligible men and don't rule meeting someone amazing while you're travelling...there are lovely men out there living exactly the same lifestyle as you are!

blackcoffeeredwine · 16/02/2018 18:58

I am 27, I have a husband I adore and a baby boy who is my absolute world.
And I am so.fucking.skint. DH earns a good salary but I am in so much debt that it doesn’t make a difference. I gave up my project manager job to be a SAHM.
My heart goes out to you because although we are worlds apart I can imagine you feel similar to how I do; wanting something so badly (in my case financial stability, in yours a loving relationship) and feeling like it’s never going to happen.
I too feel like five years is such a long time even though in the long scheme of things it probably isn’t.
No advice (other than you will meet someone eventually, sometimes it’s scary how much happens over one/two years then you look back and think woah!!) but sending you Flowers

ReanimatedSGB · 16/02/2018 19:00

Thing is, the dream of 'meeting a nice man and having a family' is pretty much a dream. The odds are more likely that you will meet a nice seeming man who will leech off you for money, belittle you or, at the very least, behave as though his wants, needs and ambitions are more important than yours, and expect you to 'know your place.' Yes, there are nice men and happy relationships but the more a woman worries about 'never meeting Mr Right' the more likely she is to clutch desperately at the first Mr Abuser or Mr Cocklodger who comes her way.
It's worth having a read of this too. There is a lot of pressure on successful women to accept that they are 'incomplete' if they haven't allowed A Man to basically come along and put them in their place...

Leeds2 · 16/02/2018 19:01

Where did you meet your ex? Or the man you nearly had a relationship with recently?

Jux · 16/02/2018 19:02

I don't know what to say! Yes, you are increddibly lucky, bbut you have worked really hard and deserve to reap the rewards. Perhaps you need patience? That sounds pejorative, but I don't mean it badly. 5 years isn't long, and would be worth soldiering on, banking your salary as you go becoming mortgage free by about 30.

But you're not enjoyong life as it is for you now, so 5 years stretches ahead - a long, sad road which you have to travle until you get to the end but with no end there that you can see now.

What about setting yourself annual checks. How you feel in one year's time may be different to how you feel now; you might think that actually it passed more quickly than you expected and it's not so bad, you'll do another year.....

What I do think is that you are saving too hard. 50 quid a week spending money is not much, so perhaps loosen up a bit? You've driven yourself really hard for 10years, maybe you can relax a bit, take a week off between clients? (Not sure what your set up is.) Perhaps do some studying so you think about something else, have a different focus. Is that a possibility?

Money is not everything, as you have found, but it does help especially in today's world.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 16/02/2018 19:09

At risk of sounding like a self styled psychiatrist, I'd say you were an ambitious perfectionist.

You've worked hard to achieve a good career, to be the "best" in your field, you've pushed yourself to master yoga, learn a language, lose weight, and now your next goal is a husband/family.

There are great advantages to being a perfectionist and striving to be the best you can.
However, don't fall into the trap of thinking that your next goal will fulfill you (as you probably thought all your previous goals would!)

I think it would be worth addressing your depression before embarking on your next Life Goal.
And work on your esteem- you're very self critical. You need to start believing you are great.

As pps have pointed out; you're very young. Try to take a breath and enjoy now rather than striving for the next big thing you think will "complete" you.

Calvinlookingforhobbs · 16/02/2018 19:11

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Original poster
CupOfJoe · 16/02/2018 19:14

Is this a plot for your book, OP? What book? If you're implying I'm a troll the report button is available, I realise its half term...

However, don't fall into the trap of thinking that your next goal will fulfill you (as you probably thought all your previous goals would!) [shuffles awkwardly] um.... Blush

OP posts:
Iceskatingsnake · 16/02/2018 19:28

It’s not shameful to want to be in a relationship and you have no reason to feel ashamed about seeming ungrateful. It’s hard to compare the things you have with the things you still want. Having one set of wants sorted out doesn’t mean you should by extension not want anything else in life.

You are doing so well and have achieved so much so young and for that you should be incredibly proud. You are still young. It’s not like you are saying this in your 40s or 50s when starting a family might be a problem.

Try to think if there is any way you can change anything career wise so that less travel might be possible. It’s great to have a five year plan but if those 5 years are really miserable is that a price worth payIng.

In the meantime you are allowed to feel exactly what you are feeling. It’s nothing to be ashamed of Flowers

NordicNobody · 16/02/2018 19:59

Ha well I'm 30, have a wonderful partner, beautiful son, and one on the way, and I often feel miserable and like I've left it too late because I have not one whiff of a career! I guess there's a lesson here about grass not being greener or something haha. Seriously though, I'm sure we'll both look back in 10 years and wonder what we were worrying about. Having the bank roll for a house and business in your 20s is fantastic though, it sounds like you're doing brilliantly sneaks off to look up governess jobs...

NordicNobody · 16/02/2018 20:00

Oops, didn't mean to make that last bit bold Blush

Fuckoffee · 16/02/2018 20:22

You know you can’t do this job indefinitely. You are sacrificing your freedom and life for a big pay check.

In my 20s I worked in the city earning lots. The hours were long with lots of enforced schmoozing and travel. I was so tied to the job, I felt like I was selling my soul to the devil!

I didn’t just jump, I saved and formed a plan. I gave myself until I turned 30 to prepare. Whilst I was doing this I became much happier. I met my now husband during that time - we made it work even though we had to be apart lots.

Quitting a high paying job is terrifying. But it was the best thing I ever did!

Good luck OP. I hope you find your happiness x

littleskittle · 16/02/2018 21:32

In my 20s and early 30s I felt like you. Doing great in career (though not at your level of earnings!) but felt sad that I'd never meet the right person and had started to think I'd never have kids. I moved for a big promotion at 33 to a new country and was thinking 'what have I done?! Now I not only have no partner, but also no friends and family nearby'... 6 days after moving I met my now husband (via OLD). We got engaged a year later and married a year after that, and two kids in the following two years. As others have said, you just don't know what's around the corner! And you are still so young. It's hard because you can't see into the future and know how it'll work out...but if a relationship is what you want, there's an excellent chance it'll happen at some point.

00100001 · 16/02/2018 21:50

You earn ONE HUNDRED AND SIDTY THOUSAND English pounds a YEAR as a Governess?? PLUS living expenses?

Bluelady · 16/02/2018 21:58

British pounds.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 16/02/2018 22:03

It doesn't matter how happy you are in your job or how much money you have.
Rich man poor man beggar man king. Depression knows no boundaries.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 16/02/2018 22:05

A lot of people understandably, I suppose think that if you've got money. You don't have any problems.

Cherrycokewinning · 16/02/2018 22:08

You don’t sound ungrateful. You’re missing the major part of what makes people happy, it seems obvious you’d be sad Sad

Not sure what to say though- personally I think you have lots of time but travelling all the time is miserable so your day to day life is probably quite stressful too.

Chocness · 16/02/2018 22:37

I’m concerned that you think having a DH/family of your own will bring you the happiness you seem to crave. I think this goes deeper than that esp as you’ve said you have anxiety for a while. I have an inkling that your father leaving you is the cause of this yearning. You need to be happy in yourself first otherwise you’ll be seeking that fulfilment from a DH/ your children which isn’t fair nor healthy. You are a young woman doing very well financially. I think you should use some of that money to get some therapy of sorts to ensure you have healed the attachment issues that I think you may have (and understandably so). A father walking out on his child is a very traumatic thing to happen to a child. It can have lifelong implications that often don’t come to the surface until adulthood. I suspect this is what you may be experiencing although may be barking up the wrong tree although I don’t think so. The anxiety is the low level trauma that needs addressing and healing properly to enable you to have a healthy relationship with a man. Your young so there’s plenty of time to meet a DH but sort yourself out first, it will save you a lot of heartbreak in the long run.

alotalotalot · 16/02/2018 22:39

You've got another 15 years before you need to start worrying. Relax and try to enjoy the next few years. In a few more years time you can be a bit more proactive if necessary. In the meantime treat yourself a bit more to make life a bit more fulfilling.

wysteriafloribunba · 16/02/2018 22:51

Can I be the voice of caution from one who has been there and given it up.

Marriage and dcs can bring a lot to your life, but they will not solve your anxieties and will in turn bring more. Relationships get stale, parenting is hard work, and the baby years can be very isolating.

What you need is balance. Keep working, retain financial independence and don't place all your hopes in The One.

26 is very young to have achieved so much so well done! It is also very young to settle down. Really, no hurry.

MiddleAgedMe · 16/02/2018 23:54

It seems very difficult for women to admit that they'd like to be wives/mothers these days. There are many complex reasons why this is true, but there's no shame at all in wanting it. If you're in a strong financial position right now, which you are, then use the time you have to save money to create a nestegg for when you have more time and less money. Women LITERALLY never have both time and money at the same time! Unless they're in the Kardashian/Beckham stable!